To feel anxious about asking my partner for this money

[GirlWithTheLionHeart]

I've just emailed him as I'm way into my overdraft and it's worrying me.

I paid £390 to bailiffs over council tax that I didn't even know was owed from a couple of years ago when we were living together.

I then paid the whole water bill £490 for the year when we left.

I was on unpaid maternity at that point and had to use my precious little savings on it all. I'm now working pt as my ds is still a toddler and earn little. He did pay all the rent in those places, hence why I feel mean but I always paid for food, clothes, nappies for ds etc

I also pay for hp on a car he insisted we buy at £210 a month. I part exchanged my old car in and just wanted to get a newer used car - not finance, he insisted he wanted a newer car - he pays for the insurance (which he put in his name so he gets the benefit of no claims).

He earns £60k+

I feel anxious now I've sent the email.

Just read your thread, Lion Heart, and wanted to say you amaze me.

Even if your ex were to completely change around and become mister perfect, you don't have to go back to him. Personally when the romance is gone, the romance is gone. He had his chance and he blew it. But I am not telling what to do, you seem perfectly capable of looking yourself and your ds.

*Firstly, are you married? I assume you don't share bank accounts.

Secondly, he wanted the car - how come you're paying for it?

Thirdly, why were you the only person responsible for paying for the water bill and council tax?

Lastly, no matter what the rent is, it's always a flat fee. Whoever pays that and gets everything else paid for is the lucky one. All other costs vary each month, but the rent is usually the same. Sounds like he's got away with a lot financially.*

This, OP could have put her foot down at any stage here yet doesn't until she's overdrawn and in financial difficulties. Burying your head in the sand over finances and hoping 'it'll all come good' is just ignorant.

Victim blaming? well yes is someone blindly hands over responsibility and refuses to tackle difficult issues early on then they are partly responsible for the mess that evolves.

I always get shitty replies on my threads. Other threads just get so much support. It must be me as it happens every time.

Thanks for the supportive posts. I'll be NC and won't post again on here

It is staggering how many posters don't rtft but think they can help. Sorry OP. Hope things get better for you.

Lionheart there are always people who will point out the fucking obvious! I think your doing well :) take one day at a time (hug)

Keep up the good work you have made excellent progress. You sound really strong.

WildBillfemale - what a truly unhelpful post that was. You clearly have no understanding of the dynamics of an abusive relationship and have used your ignorance to berate a woman who is doing her best to free herself and her son from a nasty piece of work.

Instead of offering some support or SAYING NOTHING, you have managed to convince the poor OP that it is not worth posting here.

Did you miss her explanations of how she tried discussing things with her partner and that he was an aggressive and violent bully?

OP, please don't stop using this thread. You sound a lot stronger than you did at the start, and I think you are doing really well in seeing through his bullshit. I think you will do just fine without him.

GirlwiththeLionHeart - ignore th unhelpful and critical comments. It's so easy for people to forget that there is a real person behind posts. People don't seem to get that when you are living with an abuser (or even just a selfish arse) it's sometines hard to see the wood for the trees and realise that it's not you - it's him. And that the dynamics in your relationship are wrong. Especially when you have a child with someone who you loved and assumed was a decent person.

I am pretty hardnosed but I think some replies here are really out of order. I also think it is polite to start a new thread if you want to debate sething that has come out of such a thread rather than sidetrack a thread started by someone else.
I, for one, have a huge amount of sympathy for the OP and her situation. Money is hard in a lot of relationships. I have through my line of work seen this time and time again in the most commited of relationships, particularly once children come along. I have a vast amount of experience of this, yet found myself in a similar situation to OP, despite all that experience.
I am glad I didnt post about it at the time (situation resolved now). I think in my postnatal hormonal mindset that would have been way to much.

OP hope you are ok - PM me if you like.

Don't be so horrible, Wildbill. You've driven OP away already, what's the point of continuing to post?

Wildbill Do you have any idea how hard it is to leave an abusive relationship? Even with the worse type of violence it will take women a long time and many attempts before they finally break free.

The gaslighting, the paranoia, being told its your fault not his.....this all leads to you questioning yourself at every turn. Ultimately you feel that you are not strong enough to leave because what if he is right and you are selfish, useless or actually it is YOU that is the abuser? Thats why they do it, to break you down so you feel unable to leave.

I hope you are proud of yourself for making an abused woman feel even worse, you might as well be standing there with her husband saying "Yeah, he's right, you are shit". You have invaded the once place she might be able to gather the strength to eventually leave with your disgusting accusations of her playing the victim. SHE IS A VICTIM! You make me sick.

Lion Dont leave because of one under educated pillock.

Whats happened today? Has he left? I hope you are ok

I am sick sick sick of people bullying women who are trying to get out of untenable situations. Bullies who are so ignorant and unempathetic that they think the way to help a woman get away from a bully is by insulting and bullying the woman too. Why the fuck fuck fuck do you think you are helping? maybe the reason she doesn't manage to get out is because you - yes you! - are bullying her and insulting her and putting her down and treating her as badly as her abuser does?

Have any of you ever thought that maybe, just maybe, if you were supportive and encouraging she might be a bit further along? Huh?

Please don't go, Lionheart. Some people are just ignorant, rude and stupid.

I also don't understand the logic of posting "why did you get yourself into this situation" type posts when someone is looking for advice on how to get out. Whatever the situation - abuse, debt problems, a family feud - surely focussing on helping a poster with it rather than berating her for getting into bit is always better.

Jux I couldn't agree more. Its almost like its a concerted effort, with the aim being to deliberately chase people off the thread, and possibly the forum, when they most need Support.

Wildbill, stop behaving like a supercilious, patronising, smug cunt and go start an argument in AIBU if that what floats your boat.

And Girl, financial abuse is such a difficult one to spot heading your way - they are slow, sneaky and its often not until your are at the most vulnerable that it really strikes home.

Keep going, you will get there.

Oh and ignore the fuckwits. They have all the empathy and emotional intelligence of a block of concrete.

Totally uncalled for criticism, Wildbill. Maybe it is just that people who haven't been in abusive relationships don't get it, but then, you shouldn't post. There are lots of areas outside my experience, where I can't think of anything useful to post, so I don't.

Actually, OP, I am in total admiration of you, as I am sure lots of people are.

For you, WildBill:

Clap.
Clap.
Clap.

LionHeart has gone. Well done. Hope you're proud of your achievement.

I agree bogey.

Plus, how is saying that to the OP now useful anyway wild? Do you expect her to climb into her time machine and change things. It's the world's most pointless contribution.

Ooops sorry I missed the final page and now see that wildbill has driven the OP away. Well done! You must feel proud of how you put her right eh?

Jesus, it must be fucking wonderful to never be in a situation like this, so well done and congratulations to those super clever people who are programmed to recognise 'the signs' so quickly. Now just piss off and polish your halos, this thread does not need you.
In my opinion the OP has been incredibly brave and needs our support. For anyone who has not been in this situation, it is hard to understand, but a DP does not announce on the second date that he is a control freak, it just happens slowly, it is invasive.
The OP is a heroine in my opinion.