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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To feel anxious about asking my partner for this money

229 replies

GirlWithTheLionHeart · 21/10/2014 14:08

I've just emailed him as I'm way into my overdraft and it's worrying me.

I paid £390 to bailiffs over council tax that I didn't even know was owed from a couple of years ago when we were living together.

I then paid the whole water bill £490 for the year when we left.

I was on unpaid maternity at that point and had to use my precious little savings on it all. I'm now working pt as my ds is still a toddler and earn little. He did pay all the rent in those places, hence why I feel mean but I always paid for food, clothes, nappies for ds etc

I also pay for hp on a car he insisted we buy at £210 a month. I part exchanged my old car in and just wanted to get a newer used car - not finance, he insisted he wanted a newer car - he pays for the insurance (which he put in his name so he gets the benefit of no claims).

He earns £60k+

I feel anxious now I've sent the email.

OP posts:
Aherdofmims · 22/10/2014 16:36

Hi LionHeart. I've been reading this off and on and really feel for you. Think you are definitely doing the right thing by getting rid.

If you meet him for lunch make sure it is somewhere neutral. And be prepared for an attempt to worm his way back into your affections.

Original poster
GirlWithTheLionHeart · 22/10/2014 17:45

Yes I'll be ready for that but I doubt he will.

I'm annoyed at him calling me work shy. Pissed off actually. I've worked since I was 16 all through education. Got a First and want to do my masters when ds is in school. Ds has additional needs so I didn't want to send him to nursery until he was a little older (3!) and I've never once lived off my partner! I've always contributed but his email made out I was some kind of gold digger! Angry

OP posts:
MeMyselfAnd1 · 22/10/2014 17:52

I think that's one of the things I will never forgive my ex for, calling me work shy when I sponsorise his career moves at the sacrifice of mine. But at the end, it was all everything about him so I suppose that, if I had continue to be the highest paid, he would have found something else to blame me for.

Having a said that, if getting this annoyed is helping you to re evaluate his actions, so be it. He has been living as a teenager, too busy with his own interests and toys, while you are keeping the boat afloat and the children out of the water.

JuxtheDaemonVampire · 22/10/2014 18:14

What name is on the tenancy? Is it joint? Can you contact the landlord and ask him to put it into your name solely? Would you want to stay there, can you afford to stay there?

I think you should not be in too much of a hurry to talk to him yet, as you would do better to spend the time getting advice from CAB and investigating your financial options. Have you checked what benefits you could get?

If you see him when you have no idea of these things then you are in a weaker position, but if you have checked everything and know what your rights are, what your plans are and how you can finance them then you are in a very much stronger one.

43percentburnt · 23/10/2014 13:56

Lion, have read full thread and remember you on relationships.

Put in a Csa claim straight away. Your ex will call you a gold digger, only after his money etc. but that is because he is greedy. Listen for these lines, they are coming! As for him saving for a deposit, if you had bailiffs round and the debt was in his name he may have bad credit anyway, - a default. He is going to try and convince you that he will pay maintenance direct, he will tell you what he is going to pay, then he won't pay on time. He will accuse you of spending money on yourself or offer to put the money in savings / buy your cd things etc instead of giving to you direct. Wait for this gem.

Expect him to come crawling back. He is going to plead, beg, cry, turn nasty, call you names, promise to change and then cry again. Sometimes you will get the suicide threat and him telling you he is a bad person. Get yourself a check list at the ready.

He will call you a bad mum. This line gets extra points on so listen carefully for this line. It may be disguised as 'you can't manage to look after the kids' or 'you can't cope'.

Keep his texts and emails, use these to stay strong. Keep a diary note all the nasty things he says to you, if you waiver read the diary.

He may have dumped you, but I have a feeling it was so you begged him to come back, so you regretted asking him for money and so you shut the fuck up about money. His money is his, your money is for bills and babies duh!

Keep strong op, the road is rocky and he hasn't really gone yet... Get your maintenance and start living a happy life. He's a bad egg.

Keep posting, men like your ex are boringly predictable.

43percentburnt · 23/10/2014 13:56

Dc not cd!

Jennco · 23/10/2014 16:54

How did your lunch meeting go? Hope you are okay!

Original poster
GirlWithTheLionHeart · 23/10/2014 18:43

Thanks 43 and Jennco

We're off out to dinner now to talk. Will report back.

OP posts:
JuxtheDaemonVampire · 23/10/2014 19:08

Ah, so he wants a shag afterwards?

arethereanyleftatall · 23/10/2014 19:09

Do not let him bully you op!!! Or even worse, sweet talk you.

Viviennemary · 23/10/2014 19:14

I think you should hold your cards very close to your chest during this meal. He's had control long enough. And don't let him talk his way back. He's not the type of man anybody should have to put up with from what you say.

avocadotoast · 23/10/2014 19:22

Oh OP, I hope you're ok. This sounds like an awful situation.

Do you have other debts aside from your overdraft? If you do, I'd recommend you seek some free advice asap. I'd also second what others have said about assessing what income you're entitled to and applying as soon as you can.

For debt advice, you can contact StepChange Debt Charity, CAB (although you might wait a while to see someone), or National Debtline.

If your ex is abusive, you might also want to keep hold of Women's Aid's number, just in case.

Flowers for you. Hope everything goes ok.

avocadotoast · 23/10/2014 19:27

Also, if you don't want to keep the HP car, you might be able to hand it back to the finance company depending how much you've paid off. Give the company a ring and ask them. If you've paid over a certain amount you can hand it back without being liable for the rest (although they will take into account wear and tear).

3nonblondeboys80 · 23/10/2014 19:32

hope it goesok tonight.

PeterGriffinsPenisBeaker · 23/10/2014 19:33

You're better off without the fecker. I hope he doesn't get nasty tonight. Stay strong for you and your ds........ And take from him what you're rightfully entitled to!

AMillionNameChangesLater · 23/10/2014 19:49

I hope you're ok

wishiwasonthebeach · 23/10/2014 20:26

I've just read the whole tread, he sounds horrible. I hope it goes well tonight!

Original poster
GirlWithTheLionHeart · 24/10/2014 06:56

Well, it went ok, I guess.

He's not the type to beg/control etc he's quiet in situations like that and let's me talk a lot.

He asked what I had been thinking since we emailed. I told him how I feel we're incompatible, how upset I was about how he thinks of me - he said he just said it to get a reaction.
He said the priority now is my mental health as I'm exhausted so he's agreed to take ds on two mornings for me during the week for an hour before work to help.

After lots of talking through the meal (and crying) we went and sat in the car and talked more. I said I think we would be better focusing on ds for now. I told him how much he's let me down and how selfish he is (said this many times before).

He agreed that there are fundamental things about him he probably can't change and that it isn't fair on me to put up with. He also said he's very depressed and his self esteem is rock bottom - not really my concern atm. And that the relationship is dead. He doesn't want to become his father and not see ds etc.

I asked him to tell me one time that sticks in his mind where I had been horrible or done something nasty and he said never. I said I could reel off a huge list and I'm not living like that.

I said how sad I feel for ds and cried, I said he should always remember it was all his fault, because he never wanted to support me and kicked me while I was down so many times and his abuseiveness was why we cannot be together, he agreed.

We drove back and he went off.

OP posts:
Original poster
GirlWithTheLionHeart · 24/10/2014 06:58

Just to mention, a couple of times he did sort of say 'so what do you want' and 'if you want to draw a line under it now' when I felt like I was wavering I just remembered how he yelled at me so many times when I was down. It helped me stay strong

OP posts:
Original poster
GirlWithTheLionHeart · 24/10/2014 07:27

I keep thinking that I'm overreacting and things weren't that bad day-to-day.

My whole family have seen what he's really like now we live closer, and are astonished at the lack of support from him and his general depressive negative state.

My dsis the other night said she didn't want me with someone like that, she said I could find someone lovely but I'm not looking for anyone for a while

OP posts:
primarynoodle · 24/10/2014 08:01

lion heart you are well rid.

abusive behaviours and attitudes to money absolutely don't change. and the love trust ans respect has clearly been damaged irreparably.

is it better for your ds to grow up with that as a role model or a strong independant mother! do what is best for you both and leave Thanks Thanks Thanks

WerkSupp · 24/10/2014 08:18

He's a cunt. He's not concerned with your mental health, making you feel like you are mental is a way to control you. Oh, and it's not taking your son for you, or helping you for him to look after his own child.

You are well shot of this abusive, toxi person.

Original poster
GirlWithTheLionHeart · 24/10/2014 08:23

I hate how it takes for stuff like this to happen for him to pull his finger out and be attentive. Can he just be a normal supportive partner? He came over this morning and fed ds, said he'd come over after work to give me a hand. Ffs

OP posts:
KneeQuestion · 24/10/2014 09:35

making you feel like you are mental is a way to control you

That jumped out at me too. Very transparent as to his true intentions.

He really isn't pulling his finger out and being attentive, he is just trying to bamboozle you into thinking he isn't the abusive shit that his actions to date have shown him to be.

Stay strong, you are not overreacting in the slightest.

Your post upthread detailing his abusive behaviors is chilling reading, this man is dangerous, don't let his current 'nice' behavior fool you, it is just a ruse to pull you back in, if he manages that, it won't be long before he is back to his usual ways.

You and your child deserve better than this.

LittleBearPad · 24/10/2014 09:39

The priority is your mental health

Really?

He's a bastard and he's trying to undermine you. Don't let him get to you. Re-read your post with all his horrible behaviours whenever you forget what he was really like.