To feel anxious about asking my partner for this money

[GirlWithTheLionHeart]

I've just emailed him as I'm way into my overdraft and it's worrying me.

I paid £390 to bailiffs over council tax that I didn't even know was owed from a couple of years ago when we were living together.

I then paid the whole water bill £490 for the year when we left.

I was on unpaid maternity at that point and had to use my precious little savings on it all. I'm now working pt as my ds is still a toddler and earn little. He did pay all the rent in those places, hence why I feel mean but I always paid for food, clothes, nappies for ds etc

I also pay for hp on a car he insisted we buy at £210 a month. I part exchanged my old car in and just wanted to get a newer used car - not finance, he insisted he wanted a newer car - he pays for the insurance (which he put in his name so he gets the benefit of no claims).

He earns £60k+

I feel anxious now I've sent the email.

You do know that if the car is on hp finance you don't own it? The hp company own it until you pay off the hp.

"he's agreed to take ds on two mornings for me during the week for an hour before work to help." That is a pitiful and pathetic amount of contribution and I agree with KneeQuestion - first thing in the morning is a control tactic.

Look at his actions not his words LionHeart. None of his actions are showing you he has 'potential' or that anything is going to change.

Thanks Phaedra I am aware of that

It's not all on finance, I put down 4k of my savings and the rest is on finance.

OP you said that you were brought up by an abusive man. Do you think you may be repeating a pattern here? I read that domestic abuse (financial abuse is a type of this) is more common in those with an abusive upbringing.

Yes I have completely followed a pattern, but now I have MN and I've been pointed it out, I'm aware and I won't make the mistake again.

I'm actually scared of getting into another relationship as people men hide their shit so well.

I have an amazing father, I hope to meet someone half as amazing, generous and kind as him in the future

I think you do need to take another look at the morning/evening thing. Has he got a place of his own yet? Somewhere suitable to bring your DS? Giving you 'a hand' to help 'your mental health' is not being a parent. It's patronising and controlling you. And if you are present its not actually giving you any time to yourself is it?

I am not sure why he views exhaustion as a mental health problem as it is not. Perfectly sane people can get exhausted if they are doing too much. If he feels you have mental health issues you should ask him to clarify what these issues are and how on earth he can diagnose them as I am assuming he is not a practicing doctor or psychiatric nurse. Also if he had genuine concerns about your mental health he would be insisting you spoke to your GP

I have no mh problems, not even mild depression. I get thoroughly exhausted with astonishing frequency though.

When this is over, or rather, when you are feeling more in control, check out the Freedom Programme. It will help you to avoid abusers in the future, and sort out a lot of the crap you've had to live with, get it out of your system and into the past.

Things have been much better in terms of me having a break from ds, which I needed.

He told me he looked up the child maintenance (on his own accord) and worked out he should be giving me £150 a week, he set up a standing order yesterday.

He also said he can't even bear to think of planning a life without me and ds so is basically working his arse off to better himself. He's spoken to a counsellor yesterday about starting cbt.

I told him, as far as I see it we are on an indefinite break (he said no we aren't and there was a back n forth). I said he can work on himself as much as he likes but he has to know that I don't actually care anymore, I'm not going to be the one trying to make things good or right like I have for 5 years, it's completely up to him this time. He said he could see it was different this time as I wasn't going to give in.

I feel like I'm finally getting the support from him I've needed all along. I told him I think he respects me more when we aren't together but coparenting as he treats it like a business, which he is good at. I don't think his brain is built for relationships, I think he struggles with empathy and being selfish.

I don't really know what's to come of 'us' but I feel detatched from him in a partner way, but love him as my sons father.

Glad you are feeling better Girl and that he is contributing financially

Glad you stuck up for yourself re the relationship too!

Good news x

I'm with LadyLuck - you have a child together but you can't talk about finances? You mention the affect your upbringing had on your being anxious about talking to him, so think how this poor communication could affect your child if you don't get it together.

Me and my partner currently have our first child on the way, been together about 4 years. He works part time, I work full time.

All the bills come out of my account but I have a standing order with him every month where he pays his fair share.

If either of us end up skint for one reason or another, or an extra cost or bill comes up, we discuss it, see who's got the most spare cash, pay it, then just agree if we're paying eachother back or whatever.

Basic communication... emailing your partner about finances because you can't ask face to face is very strange.

(For an extra bit of info, I am on a debt management plan and my partner knows, he helped me put it together and apply, and we don't earn close to 25k a year nevermind only one of us earning 60k)

Nevermind, I see you've solved the problem

Let's hope your relationship doesn't change once the baby is here Hermit

I had to email him as he has a temper and I'm anxious/was tiptoeing. Not all of us have perfect relationships.

Good on you, Lion! Your name reflects your personality!

GirlWithTheLionHeart

Have to disagree with Jux, your initial problem highlights that your name does not reflect your personality.

"Let's hope your relationship doesn't change once the baby is here Hermit" Not that I can pick up an attitude from text, but why would you even want to make that kind of comment... There's nothing wrong with me having a good relationship and your comment just screams of someone who wants others to fail.

My relationship is far from perfect, but the fact is if he "has a temper" and you have to "tipetoe" and you are "anxious" about how he will react about money and something you should be both equally responsible for without worrying about his temper, that isn't normal, especially to want to email the person you live with an have a child with instead of a face to face conversation and doesn't have anything to do with before or after a child.

I'm sure my relationship will change when the baby is here. But I know for damn sure I'll never be scared or tiptoe around my partner about something like that, that far into a relationship.

As I mentioned, I didn't realised the problem was solved as such (phone was only showing part of the thread)

So I wouldn't have usually carried on commenting, but there's no need to project the negativity of your relationship on to people who are doing well. I wasn't rubbing it in your face, just highlighting how the situation was so bloody strange for a "normal" relationship.

It felt like you were rubbing it in tbh, maybe read back and see how it sounds. There wasn't really any solution or advice offered, more 'why do you have to do that? I don't'. But sorry if I read it wrong. I'm in a bad place atm.

My partner changed a lot during pregnancy and after I had my ds which his common with abusive people. The fact I felt anxious and had to tip toe is not my fault, that's victim blaming.

Yes Girl.

It is not at all unusual for abuse to start during pregnancy and to escalate thereafter. The woman is naturally more vulnerable during pg and generally gives their partner the benefit of the doubt when he behaves differently (he's stressed about work/money/the baby/etc). Often, once the baby is born and has reached a few months old, the abuse has already affected her enough and she is so sleep deprived that she doesn't know what's reasonable anymore, add to that the peculiar isolation from so much that was familiar due to the drastic change of circumstances, the pain and embarrassment at admitting that this man, whom everyone around is praising to the skies because they once saw him change a nappy (and it was the only time he did), is actually making you utterly msierable, while he is telling you overtly or in 1001 little ways that it's you who are crap, well, put it all together and the woman hardly stands a chance.

The 1001 little cuts is such an accurate metaphor.

To break through that cloud of confusion and misery early on is obviously best, but most women will say to themselves that he just needs to adjust to parenthood, that he is a good man, that obviously he is trying (everybody else is saying that) and ends up believing that they themselves are lacking - something which their abuser will take full advantage of.

To judge someone from the lofty position of it not having happened to you (yet, and I ish it didn't happen to anyone, that this is the last time it will ever happen) is unempathetic at worst and foolish at best.

Girl, I do think your name reflects your bravery. After so many years of abuse, to have realised what is happening and see it yourself is amazing, and to make the decision you have made is also astoundingly brave. There are women who take 20 years to even think that something's wrong and then another few years to decide they can't and won't take it any more the another year or so to act. Sometimes it takes a loooooooong time, and it is frigtening, really very frightening, especially now that we live in a society which is less interested in giving a hand to the vulnerable in it, a society which is increasingly intolerant and judgemental.

You are very very brave.

Thank you so much, for the kind post, Jux

He's in complete denial and is basically trying to prove to me he is a better person now. It's so hard. I'm hoping to get my own place soon and then it'll be easier to detatch. Right now it's so hard.

How on earth do you go on to have a child with someone yet can't talk about basics like finances

Quite - why oh why do women repeatedly get themselves into these positions......................it's 2014, at least get yourself educated about money.

Why oh why are men repeatedly abusive towards women? Why don't they educate themselves that we are human beings too?

Sorry OP for the slight derail.

I hope he does change but I think you should prepare for the eventuality that he won't. Good luck .

why oh why do women repeatedly get themselves into these positions..........

Because it often isnt until the baby comes along and the woman is vulnerable and needs support that the asshole tendencies show themselves.

I am so fucking sick of reading responses like this! "Why did you have a baby with him then?!" Because when no one was asking anything of him, he was fine! It was only when he was expected to be less selfish (which we all are pre kids, lets face it) that he kicked off.

Hate the victim blaming that goes on, HE IS AN ABUSER AND IT IS NOT HER FAULT.

Hey, can all the "why oh why do women do this" leave this thread and start this "discussion" elsewhere.
This thread is not an apropriate place for this, it is OP's place of sanctuary for her problem.
Her problem - her thread.