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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To feel anxious about asking my partner for this money

229 replies

GirlWithTheLionHeart · 21/10/2014 14:08

I've just emailed him as I'm way into my overdraft and it's worrying me.

I paid £390 to bailiffs over council tax that I didn't even know was owed from a couple of years ago when we were living together.

I then paid the whole water bill £490 for the year when we left.

I was on unpaid maternity at that point and had to use my precious little savings on it all. I'm now working pt as my ds is still a toddler and earn little. He did pay all the rent in those places, hence why I feel mean but I always paid for food, clothes, nappies for ds etc

I also pay for hp on a car he insisted we buy at £210 a month. I part exchanged my old car in and just wanted to get a newer used car - not finance, he insisted he wanted a newer car - he pays for the insurance (which he put in his name so he gets the benefit of no claims).

He earns £60k+

I feel anxious now I've sent the email.

OP posts:
Original poster
GirlWithTheLionHeart · 21/10/2014 14:55

I don't know how the council tax got to bailiff stage. Was mortified and scared as it was going to go to court if I didn't pay it and I didn't want a ccj against my name.

I was looking through my bank account thinking why am I so fucked? He didn't offer to give me any money for it.

He did give me spending money when I went away for a day hence why I feel bad now too

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 21/10/2014 14:58

Or has he had issues previously where money has been an issue and he wants as much stashed away as possible?

I'm saying that as he is even leaving himself short of money, so doesn't sound like he is being financially abusive, just illogical!

The car finance thing. Well one of you has to be named on it but if it's done in a sensible way then it shouldn't be an issue. I took a bank loan for our new kitchen and I earn a third of what H does but it balances out with the rest of our finances even though we have separate accounts.

ViviPru · 21/10/2014 15:00

Its really sad that you're being made to feel bad for what is essentially wanting to share the families financial burden fairly with your partner.

Hopefully after realising that you're not being mean or unreasonable you will have the courage of your convictions to put this right.

ScarletFever · 21/10/2014 15:03

i think that whois kind of got the nail on the head with this
"Get a huge helping of self respect and recognise what a shit position you're in"

the position you are in, is shit - not you

ScarletFever · 21/10/2014 15:04

come on LionHeart - we;re all behind you - you can, and will do this xx

however · 21/10/2014 15:07

Lion, I think you might get some great advice if you post this in relationships. x

Original poster
GirlWithTheLionHeart · 21/10/2014 15:09

My posts don't get much attention in relationships so thought I'd try here.

Thanks everyone. What do I actually say to him tonight? That I want to sit down and budget, need a housekeeping allowance to cover weekly things?

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 21/10/2014 15:11

Why are you so worried? You just need to say that the finances are a mess and you need to both look at it and come to a solution.

Why is it so hard to talk about it?

NanooCov · 21/10/2014 15:19

I'd actually make a start today at sitting down and going through as much as you know of monthly income (both) and expenditure (both) and set out what you think a fair breakdown might be. I earn more than my OH so the way we work it is paying an amount proportionate to our share of the total household income into an account which then goes to meet all bills. Our split is currently about 60/40.

It is absolutely crackers that he is apparently saving yet you are racking up overdraft fees paying household bills - totally nonsensical.

By the way, are you sure he's actually saving and not in some financial difficulty himself with borrowings you don't know about? I find it very odd that his current account was cleared out to the bare minimum to the point of it being declined due to everything going to savings. Senisible people don't do this.

DontTurnAround · 21/10/2014 15:20

Honest to god OP, you'd be so much better off as a single parent. He let you sit there and stress all the while hes got how much tucked away? Talk about an unequal relationship.

What does he actually do to make you feel good? You are stressed and anxious about discussing money with him? Thats not good and he sounds financially abusive.

CiderwithBuda · 21/10/2014 15:20

You start from the point that if you are in a committed relationship together, living together and have a child together you are partners. Therefore it's not your money. It's not his money. It's family money. I really don't get doing it any other way. But I know people do.

Nicknacky · 21/10/2014 15:25

cider this is an extreme example though. Separate bank accounts within a relationship can work brilliantly if done properly and fairly. This situation shouldn't be confused as being normal though!

WipsGlitter · 21/10/2014 15:28

DP and I don't do the mumsnet thing of shared bank accounts but we are both earning ok money.

If you are not working or are earning considerably less then it's not fair if you are paying more. You need to sit down and work out what are all of your direct debit outgoings, what is all of your joint income, and then work out what you can save and what you can spend.

Him 'giving you money' for a day out is not right.

Original poster
GirlWithTheLionHeart · 21/10/2014 16:18

Well I'm in tears with his reply.

I ended up paying over £400 towards the utility bills after we left plus I gave you £1000 of my own money because you didn't get your deposit back. So you want more. Ok, how much do you want exactly? I can see this being a recurring theme for the next few years anyway.

With regards to the deposit he he talking about, I paid for a deposit on a previous flat we lived in when I only earned £500 a month starting my own business. We failed to get this deposit back after fighting for it for a year, he said he would give me £1000 for it from the deposit return on our recent flat, as I was in my overdraft again.

I've written a long angry reply but dont know if I should send it. Feel like shit

OP posts:
Original poster
GirlWithTheLionHeart · 21/10/2014 16:20

It includes stuff like he would be paying £300 a week for childcare without me etc etc

OP posts:
GreenPetal94 · 21/10/2014 16:25

I think you need to agree a time to talk face to face. I'd just email and say "I'm really upset about this. Please can we discuss once kids are in bed tonight" or whatever...

Money / Sex / Children are the three big causing of arguments you know.

Charitybelle · 21/10/2014 16:27

Don't reply, unless it's to say that you'll talk about it later. Much better to do this face to face. You share a life and a child. Your finances should be joint. No more talk of him 'giving' you anything. All money that comes into the house is joint and should be up to both if you to decide how to spend it. You can go half measures such as you pay a percentage of this and I'll pay a bit of that, but essentially it sounds like it will always end up in arguments with this guy. He needs to understand that you're a partnership.

Unfortunately it sounds like you've saddled yourself with a class A dick so I feel sorry for you OP. I don't see him being very nice to you in this discussion so you're going to need to grow a thick skin pretty fast. I suspect he will be very derogatory towards you and your contribution in any discussion, so good luck!

Viviennemary · 21/10/2014 16:30

As soon as I read he earned £60K a year I thought how on earth can anyone stay with such a tight selfish person. Sorry but I would absolutely LTB. Why should excuses be made for such behaviour. Really this is going to get worse and worse as the years go by. And if you can face up to years of begging for money fine. I think it would be horrible. And would rather be on my own.

ScarletFever · 21/10/2014 16:38

In our household we have a joint account for bills, and at the moment i put in more, because i earn more

when he earns more - he puts in more

when we earn the same, we put in the same - we both keep an eye on it (well i do) and top up as required.

None of this, you owe x or i owe y - if i need a bit of money, i get it, but we talk about it...

I worked with a lovely lady once, whos husband of 17years (so not a short term thing) made her save up to go on mat leave with their longed for child so she could carry on paying her half of the bills - she paid for all the childs stuff, it sounded like total shit to me

Purplecircle · 21/10/2014 16:38

I think you need to make a list of household income and outgoings, include anything essential for children etc. make sure you include days out birthdays etc too.
Sounds like some budgeting is needed.
You should be sharing the cost in proportion to what you earn.
If you earn half what he earns then your contribution should be half.

Toooldtobearsed · 21/10/2014 16:44

.

whois · 21/10/2014 16:49

OP it's going to be really hard to talk about this with your DP without getting upset tonight.

Try and write down all the points you want to talk about first maybe? Think clearly about exactly why it's unfair, and a suggestion of how to change the situation.

Grrrrrr to your DP!

whois · 21/10/2014 16:51

Ps I think the total household expense (including birthdays, Christmas, absolutely everything to do with the children) and divide by the % you earn is the simplest way to manage and change.
Spend this afternoon adding up absolutely anything required to run the house.

amicissimma · 21/10/2014 16:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Viviennemary · 21/10/2014 16:55

Sitting down logically and discussing things won't work. He knows the situation. His money is his and that's it. You won't change anything. I have known people in these situations and it never ever changes. He is mean and selfish and you're better of out. Talk about it without getting upset. How can you when you are being treated so badly.