To feel anxious about asking my partner for this money

[GirlWithTheLionHeart]

I've just emailed him as I'm way into my overdraft and it's worrying me.

I paid £390 to bailiffs over council tax that I didn't even know was owed from a couple of years ago when we were living together.

I then paid the whole water bill £490 for the year when we left.

I was on unpaid maternity at that point and had to use my precious little savings on it all. I'm now working pt as my ds is still a toddler and earn little. He did pay all the rent in those places, hence why I feel mean but I always paid for food, clothes, nappies for ds etc

I also pay for hp on a car he insisted we buy at £210 a month. I part exchanged my old car in and just wanted to get a newer used car - not finance, he insisted he wanted a newer car - he pays for the insurance (which he put in his name so he gets the benefit of no claims).

He earns £60k+

I feel anxious now I've sent the email.

I asked him to put himself in my shoes and to think what do I get out of the relationship? He said financial support lol.

I feel like a slave, do everything and get nothing back, actually get abused back!

I'm looking forward to it being me and ds, especially as he gets older as this two year old malarkey is bloody hard work

Thank god you are getting out of this relationship. I agree that you will be financially better off as a lone parent than you are being in a relationship with this excuse-for-a-man.

My DP earns 65k and he pays for everything bar my haircuts and the odd present for Xmas/birthdays. He has never quibbled and whilst he is not the most generous man in existence, he understands that his role at the moment is to support his family until I start working again when DS is at school.

It is hard work. It's a lot of fun too though when you don't have an abusive arsewipe as a partner.

You'll get financial support anyway. Contact a lawyer and the CSA.

I imagine you will get working tax credits and probably other support as you are on a low income. With his maintenance on too of course

*top

GET RID OF THIS WANKER TODAY!! Do it now!! As detailed upthread, change locks or leave, photocopy all you need, and do it.

He said the priority now is my mental health as I'm exhausted so he's agreed to take ds on two mornings for me during the week for an hour before work to help

It is him that is exhausting you.

He is saying the above to make you feel like you need him, you really don't and you will be amazed at how much lighter you feel without him.

I would always advise to avoid early morning contact like that too, seems to be a tactic used by men who want to maintain control IMO.

I do want him to take ds more though, and that's all it will be. He's a very active child and needs to go out twice a day minimum so if he can do it a couple of mornings a week and on Saturday, I'm up for that.
I don't see why I should do all the childcare when he wanted a child too. As I said, ds is at a very difficult age so I do need his help as my family are useless.
When ds starts preschool I know it'll get easier, until then I will press him to help as much as possible.

You'll probably find you have loads more energy without this man in your life regardless of your son.

Send them off together on a Saturday but I'd avoid mornings.

HI there Lionheart. I didn't want to butt in, but just wanted to say how well I think you're handling all of this. It's so tough, but you've clearly got a lot of strength, and I'm sure you'll be able to hold your head high in the days and weeks ahead.

I would add that it drives me crazy when men think they are "helping out" their partners on childcare - I knew a man who used to say he was "babysitting" his son once a fortnight and so couldn't go out... Needless to say he didn't think his wife was "babysitting" the other 13 days and nights (yes, they were married!). Equally, here, your DS's father isn't "helping out" - parenting is a joint job, and he's simply doing his fair share (or, realistically, not even that). So don't let him kid you that he's helping out by giving you the odd break every now and then - it's the least he could do. He no doubt gets plenty of peace without a wonderful but challenging toddler demanding his attention - you deserve some too! So yes, DO get him to pull his weight - and don't be overly grateful for it!

And finally, good luck with the terrible twos - a superbly challenging time, but it sounds like you're dealing with it brilliantly.

lionheart the "mental health" comment is him setting you up as a hysterical female. Do NOT let that lie, as he will use it against you, possibly in court ie "She agreed she needed help as she was struggling with her mental health". Email him, clearly stating that the financial and other abuse is what is putting pressure on you. Print it out, and keep it. He sounds as though he is the controlling type who will try to keep on with the control as you are breaking free (brilliantly breaking free BTW!). DO NOT GIVE AN INCH.

"He said the priority now is my mental health as I'm exhausted so he's agreed to take ds on two mornings for me during the week for an hour before work to help."

Big warning flag there, in a very nice way he told you "you are mental, you can't cope, DS will be better under my care"

He cannot change so you take it or leave it? Do you know that one of the main signs that you are with an abuser is that they won't even consider the possibility they could be wrong. I'm sure you he left you thinking that you are making a fuss out of nothing.

Every time I said to my ex I wanted a divorce he kindly pointed out I was being silly as we were perfectly ok. Obviously, what I thought and felt was of no value to him, in his mind if he was fine, the relationship was ok.

Interestingly, every time that I became more insisting about leaving him he would say I was depressed, took me to the GP to get ADS as obviously, I couldn't think straight.

So, when we finally split up I was prepared to get as many ADS as I could to get through the stress of it, but too things really came as a surprise:

1. I have never needed ADS since I left him. I didn't have mental health problems, I was just in a unhappy relationship.
2. I didn't have as much work as when he was around. It was not until then that I realised that I was already doing most of the work, and that main source of stress was him, not DS (taking care of him on my own was a breeze).

I hope you find the strength not to go back to him. There is a world out there were you don't have to live one day at a time. And once the shock wears of, you may know that you can be incredibly happy even being of your own (for me, it was as if the sun had come out) :-)

Oh gosh, I don't know if it is the autocorrect or is my brain not working properly after a very long week... Apologies for so many typos and spelling and grammar mistakes!

I think he used the term mental health because I initially said, with your lack of support I feel like my mental health is waning.

I need to keep boundaries up. Last night he came and gave ds his bath and bed and then stayed for a bit. I'm too bloody nice.

I too am concerned about his tactics.

Cleverly he asks you how you feel. He can then agree and add to the statements. He never shows his cards op, he holds them close to his chest. You say he is quiet in these situations. Yes by being quiet you fill the gaps, he takes what you say and then uses it against you - mental health for example.

He thinks that him giving you a pittance is his way of supporting you.

Drawing a line in the sand and asking what do you want to happen. I have a feeling he thought you would say 'for us to be a happy family' then he's back in. My first post mentioned tears, anger etc. I think your partner is more restrained. imagine a calmed down version. Anger (ie his email) followed by niceness ( bathing the children) followed by a nasty jibe (ie agreeing your mental).

Get communicating via email and text. You don't want him fighting for 50 % residency to avoid paying maintenance.

It seems that you don't live together does he pay maintenance as per the Csa calculator? If not what was the excuse? What was the £50 he was paying but stopped?

Why did you use your savings on mat leave? Why didn't he just pay for stuff like nappies etc?

Fwiw I am the main earner and earn a bit more than your dp. My dh is a sahd. I pay all the bills, food etc. when he eventually goes back part time, our bank accounts will still be joint, Money will still be joint. He has access to money, savings and credit cards at all times. Saving are put in his name to be tax efficient (I guess the deposit savings are in your partners name despite him paying 40% tax!). All large purchases (over £100 roughly except when buying surprise presents) are discussed regardless of who is buying it.

When you choose to have a child together you don't have as much money, you certainly don't expect the carer of the child to be skint whilst the earner lives the life of Riley.

He is greedy op. His comment when you asked 'what do I get out of this' and he said financial support spelt that out. A token 50 here and there when he can be arsed means shut up asking for money. He believes he is giving you and your dc more than you need, he believes he is being generous.

Please look after yourself, he's not a keeper.

Assuming he earns £1250 per week. He has dc less than one night a week. You would receive £130 per week after Csa charges. That's £563 per calendar month.

This would be spent by you on what you want. You can take your dc to gym classes, swimming lessons, theatre groups, play areas etc.

If you are living apart does he give you £589 on pay day? The amount of voluntary contribution he should make per calendar month.

If the OP and her ex DP weren't living together, would the CM be backdated?

On Monday I'll get the child maintenance started.

Thanks 43 good post, a lot to think about.

Spoke to my dsis after he went yesterday to clear my head. She said she sees me tiptoeing around him when he's in his moods (a lot) I hadn't even realised. She said she would be the first to say try for the sake of ds but in this case she feels strongly we should seperate.

Met with a friend for lunch yesterday and she said how disappointed she was in him, he has so much potential to be a good partner and father but he doesn't know how.

Seeing another friend tonight (not because of seperation, just planned a while back) so it's nice to be getting rl support. Makes me realise I have a lot of nice positive people around me who care for me and ds

I think he's actually in denial about it all. I know it's bad but I had a look through his phone and he was discussing it with his friend saying we might split but nothing drastic has been decided yet. His friend said he has an intelligent grounded woman and he should hold onto that, which was nice.
I think another talk will be needed about boundaries because I can feel myself slipping back into old routines very easily.

Sounds like he was expecting to frighten and punish you, then you were supposed to apologise. He could then forgive you and agree to come back under certain conditions (set by him) and you would be so afraid of him leaving that you would be even more compliant.
I suppose he has had a massive shock that you turned out to be a strong woman with boundaries.

I think he still believes it'll be ok, Vile and he'll slip back into his comfy lifestyle.

I know your friend have good intentions but, please do not join her on thinking "he has so much potential to be a good partner and father but he doesn't know how" because

1. Everybody has so much potential to be a good partner and father, but he has a proven track of being exactly the opposite.

2. he doesn't know how? Please, this make him look like the poor thing is clueless about how to behave but with some good training or conversations, he will learn to be a decent person.
   Being a decent person is about principles and generosity, it is only learned through a lifetime of putting himself in other people's shoes. You can make him be nicer while he is trying but things will revert to the current situation as soon as either of you relax.

One problem of domestic abuse victims is that they have been trained to believe that they are in someway responsible about their partners' behaviour. If you are tiptoeing around him all the time, things may be much worse than you think. Do you also apologise/say sorry all the time? I know I did.

I know, I was listening but in my head I was thinking 'but you don't know what he's done/how he's spoken to me' and I'm not sure if it happened to her she would be so forgiving tbh.

He always acts nice when he's in the dog house, or sex becomes better and less selfish when I complain, but as soon as a couple of weeks have passed he always reverts back. I've had 5 years of this and I'm bored of it now, I don't eve care anymore. That and with the abuse on top, I feel really indifferent towards him.

Read your post above about pinning you down etc -he IS that bad.

Wishing you strength.

So you are brassic and paying for a car you did not want to get, and he is earning £60K.

Something does not sound right here at all.

I was once very ill with bipolar and a family member took advantage of my finances. They took everything, my life savings, my benefits (I was on incapacity and DLA). They kept me ill as I had an opiate painkiller addiction and they went out procuring large quantities of opiates for me. It got to the stage where I was homeless. They told me to sell my house and sign the money over to them. They then cleared out my house and gave all the high ticket items to my sister (sister and BIL have a combined income of 160K a year, so had enough cash to buy their own stuff).

I literally ended up on the streets with only 15 p and my dog. Financial abuse is real and it can happen to anyone, you do not necessarily have to be a vulnerable adult.

I am well now, and no-one even rips me off to the tune of £50 as I am on the ball with money and I guess the whole thing taught me to trust no-one.