To feel anxious about asking my partner for this money

[GirlWithTheLionHeart]

I've just emailed him as I'm way into my overdraft and it's worrying me.

I paid £390 to bailiffs over council tax that I didn't even know was owed from a couple of years ago when we were living together.

I then paid the whole water bill £490 for the year when we left.

I was on unpaid maternity at that point and had to use my precious little savings on it all. I'm now working pt as my ds is still a toddler and earn little. He did pay all the rent in those places, hence why I feel mean but I always paid for food, clothes, nappies for ds etc

I also pay for hp on a car he insisted we buy at £210 a month. I part exchanged my old car in and just wanted to get a newer used car - not finance, he insisted he wanted a newer car - he pays for the insurance (which he put in his name so he gets the benefit of no claims).

He earns £60k+

I feel anxious now I've sent the email.

child maintenance is now worked out on gross income not net so it is income before tax.

Sorry I mean I would get £136 a week CM.

He's sending me shitty emails now.

I went on a calculator and according to them £60K is a take home pay of £3495 per month. Of course that isn't including private pension deductions. Get him for every penny. Furious for you! And make sure you sort out child benefit.

He's pretty abusive anyway so I was just working up the courage to end it (search my threads if you want).

Here's some things he's done that I noted:

Shakes his fist at me over minor things and looks threatening - even in public once

Pushed me and grabbed my arm, pinned me down me while holding newborn when I asked for help when suffering pnd and sleep deprivation. We were referred to counselling for a year which didn't change behaviours.

Pinched me really hard on my arm.

Pulled car over and shouted at me while in labour as I asked for him to slow down over bumps.

Shouts in my face, when pregnant and breastfeeding three times - milk dried up due to stress.

Screamed at me when I asked for help shopping while pregnant as I disturbed his Sunday off.

Yelled at me in busy market on holiday over something minor.

Swears at me - cunt, prick, stupid, idiot, fu king idiot, mug etc etc infront of ds

Numerous angry outbursts - broke phone and laptop twice

Never listens to me, ignores me, nothing I say important. Stonewalls

Called me mug for something v minor

Never enjoyed going out as family
Or with me. Face like thunder, never
makes conversation and doesn't interact much, v disinterested.
Wants to go home all the time.
Opposite person to when with friends. Mum and sister noticed how animated and happy he was with friends.Never really happy to see me.

when we went on holiday - argued and made me cry on the beach and in busy restaurant twice over something v minor.
Always went swimming alone. Not much companionship.

When he saw me struggling with ds doesn't jump in and help, just watches. Same as when I come in from out with lots of bags when pregnant.

Doesn't ever do night feeds.

Yelling at me while breastfeeding ds 3 times.

Going to strip clubs even though it really upsets me.

Kicking me while down - had a massive panic attack while pregnant and he started yelling at me as he had just got in from work and couldn't deal with it.

Whenever I'm ill, ignores me.

Never gives me money towards ds unless I beg, gave up my job to bring ds up as couldn't take maternity, left with no money.

Very charming and lovely in front of friends/relatives so they all think I'm the problem

jacks Apologies, I didn't realise

You are well rid of him.

Steel yourself and think clinical. Have you got paperwork you can get details of?

Also the most selfish person ever, which seeped into our sex life - all about him, never have a shit about me

I am in a similar boat.
Dh earns approx £90k and I am a Sahm thought looking to go back to work.
We have seperste accounts and he gives me a little money each month. Sadly I got into a small amount of debt, I paid most of it with my savings and then he paid the rest. But to teach me a lesson he then cut the amount of monthly money he gives me so I didn't think I could just keep doing it and he would bail me out.
However the main reason I got into debt was because I didn't have enough to begin with and was scared to ask for more. I bought petrol, food and clothes for ds, nothing for me.

Since he's cut my money I've sold loads of stuff including a collection of something I held very dear to me and also my gold christening charm bracelet and all the charms my family had bought me since I was born. Just to make ends meet and so I had money to put petrol in the car etc. I pretty much have nothing left to sell. Im fortunate because my parents are generous and give me christmas and birthday money and I ask for money from everyone else too and then I use a little each month to help me out.

Hopefully when I can find a job it'll be better.

it came in with the change to cmo but the rates were reduced to even things out. It is to stop pricks like this putting lots of money into pension pots where it can't be touched. 12% up to £800 and 9% between £800 and £3000.

You have a lion heart op fall back on it now and very very soon you will wonder why you didn't do anything sooner. Your life will only improve from here.

You've named your son in that post, OP. Just incase you want to get it edited.

OMG he is seriously abusive! You are well rid. Get onto CSA immediately and make him start coughing up what he actually should be to support you.

He doesn't love you at all, you know?

OP, more details to make sure you grab (if you can): his national insurance number, his payroll number with his workplace, his most recent P60s.

Loved I am and at your post too. Please know this is not how relationships work. Money can be a tricky subject but this is on another level. No partner should be teaching the other 'a lesson' by withholding money or making life difficult. You are equals and deserve to be treated that way.

Thank u I reported it

No he doesn't love me I think he hates me

Lovedmywildway, has this not killed your love for your DH stone-dead?

I've worked out your child maintenance if the CSA dealt with it. I based it on one child who stays with your partner 1 night per week (less than 52 nights a year.)

He would have to pay you £122.88 per week.

He sounds like an abusive dick, get in touch with the above links tomorrow and sort out tax credits and maintanance. Like others have said make sure you have his national insurance number, name/address of company he works for and payroll number if you can get hold of a pay slip.

You are going to be much better off financially and emotionally without this tight fisted abusive wanker

all the best lion. youwill be so much better off without him. loved so sad for you too. My dh can be a tosser at times but I have always had access to funds. He may moan about what I spend though.

Oh FFS, shitty men like this make me so angry. And as for If I ask he gives me whatever money I need or his switch card what on earth is that about. Why on earth should you have to ask?

Lion, lovely, you will be better off without him. Take everything you're entitled to.

Loved so would you be. Think about it. There's CSA calculators above.

"He is providing the lion's share of the money; you are providing the lion's share of the childcare. One is not 'better' or 'more important' than the other."

That

He is taking the Mickey on this. Be careful... He may not be even saving for a deposit.

Today's a good day for you op. Best of luck for the future x

Oh lion, I hope you find the strength to get away, you deserve soooo much better xx