To feel anxious about asking my partner for this money

[GirlWithTheLionHeart]

I've just emailed him as I'm way into my overdraft and it's worrying me.

I paid £390 to bailiffs over council tax that I didn't even know was owed from a couple of years ago when we were living together.

I then paid the whole water bill £490 for the year when we left.

I was on unpaid maternity at that point and had to use my precious little savings on it all. I'm now working pt as my ds is still a toddler and earn little. He did pay all the rent in those places, hence why I feel mean but I always paid for food, clothes, nappies for ds etc

I also pay for hp on a car he insisted we buy at £210 a month. I part exchanged my old car in and just wanted to get a newer used car - not finance, he insisted he wanted a newer car - he pays for the insurance (which he put in his name so he gets the benefit of no claims).

He earns £60k+

I feel anxious now I've sent the email.

My god he needs to be told what a massive dick he is being.

Sorry you've found yourself in this position lion

Please get this sorted out Lion

I was in a very similar situation, working part time with two young children. Husband worked away Mon-Fri and I dealt with everything. He was very controlling with finances, even though he earned a good wage and I had to justify every penny. I HATED asking him, knowing that if I said the kids needed a new pair of shoes he would want to know what was wrong with the ones they had. Christmas and birthdays were worse. Things got bad.

I 'borrowed' some money from work. I paid it back the following week, but then I was left sort, so borrowed some more. I always paid back, but always borrowed more. Of course, I was not borrowing, I was stealing, just justifying it in my own mind as a short term loan.

I 'borrowed' some money then was involved in a car crash and could not get back into work in time to replace it. The police were called, records were trawled through and I was charged with fraud, theft and breach of trust (my memory is hazy, so the last one may just be some wording used in the court). I pled guilty at the first chance and was sent to prison for 6 months. I served three.

Looking back now, I do not recognise myself. The shame is still with me, it will never go. And all because I was too pathetic to stand up for myself and my children. I KNOW I stole, I am not defending what I did, but I am probably the last person you would believe this of. I was desperate at the time with nowhere to turn (I had bailiffs at the door, debt collectors and phone calls ad nauseum).

It sends a shiver up my spine every time a read a story like yours, because I have been there. Get it sorted now. You are perfectly entitled to support, he is not doing you a favour.

Agree with whois and amiciss - it is just so, so depressing that there seem to more threads than ever on a similar theme. Perhaps we should start a new, more general thread about why so many women end up in these sorts of situations. It is just desperately sad.

I can't even conceive (no pun intended) how a woman can have a child with someone yet be scared to discuss financial matters.

Lion I won't wade in with criticism when you clearly have a lot on your plate but honestly I think you have to ask what you get from this relationship. It doesn't sound like anything. You will probably get more help as a single parent than you will staying with this absolute tosspot.

Screwed I'm so sorry that happened to you. He should've done the time, not you. Don't have any shame, you did what you had to x

Thank you for the advice. Not looking forward to tonight but will start adding up everything.

He was giving me £50 a week to cover things but cancelled it, i just noticed today hence being in so much overdraft.

When you talk to him tonight lion, have as your mantra that he is the one completely in the wrong, not you.
That is categoric, not just the opinion ofsome women on the internet.
He needs to understand that once you have a child with someone, the money he earns is no longer his, it's to be shared with his child and the person looking after his child.
There's three options for you and him:

1. Joint account, you both put dverything you earn in to it, everything comes out of it.
2. You work out exactly how much you need to pay for all the things you pay for, and he puts that amount in to your account.
3. You leave him.

Do not let him bully you tonight op. You are in the right here.

I got myself into a similar situation a couple of months ago. I went on the benefits calculator to know how much I was entitled to in benefits if I'd left DH, how much maintainance he'd he'd have to pay, then got a quote for full time nursery fees ( which he'd have to pay half of if I went back to work full time) and then requested what I needed financially from DH. I did this even though DH was trying to offer me money ( and would prefer a joint a/c ), but I felt just like you did as I had never been in a position of financial dependence before and felt awful asking him for a penny.

Try and have all the figures available as it sounds like he'll just try to make you feel ungrateful for the small amount he is contributing, ask to see bank statements from his savings as without your contribution to the home it wouldn't be possible. Good luck.

We rent and can't afford to save for a deposit, it's shit it really is but like a pp said there's no point saving if you can't live day today.
He's a dick for cancelling your £50 certainly without telling you.
When you sit down, go through everything
Food
Lunches
Clothes
Hair cuts
For all three of you literally everything.

Well, he's emailed back and basically ended it. So guess I don't have to worry about talking to him

Oh love,
I bet he's laughing on his pile of money whilst not providing for you and his child.
I was where you are to the tune of 40k debt where my ex had the money.
Deep breath, don't beg, pack his things and leave them outside. Mean business, his behaviour is unacceptable and not the sign of a good man

OMG What a knob he is.
Well I guess you'll be getting money from him after all in the form of maintenance payments for the toddler. I'd make copies of everything you can get hold of before he comes by and clears it all out.

Oh fucking hell OP. Well that just shows what a total cretin he is that he wouldn't even talk to you. Just saw you as unpaid skinny to look after your child.

You need to go 'mamma bear' and protect your baby financially here. Does he have any paper bank statements? Copy them. Any pay slips? Emails? Copy them all.

Oh hang on... Are you married?

when my marriage broke down the csa assessed my financially abusive ex as needing to pay more in maintenance then he had been giving me towards housekeeping and I'd been paying all food etc from that. Something tells me that your now ex is going to find this more expensive than the current arrangement. Good luck for the future

I think it's no real loss, to be honest. In a year's time you'll be living a much happier and relaxed life and you'll have far more money.

Go onto this website and get yourself sorted out.

Then go onto this website to find out how much child support he'll have to pay you. Don't forget this will be on top of any tax credits, etc.

Take control now, OP and be happy.

Good luck for the future. I think it can only get better without him. Make sure you get every penny you are entitled to from him. It's frightening to think that some other woman will most likely become a victim of this selfish man.

My dh is funny about money too

Good god. Is he you children's father? What a knob.

I do feel like I'm in 'mama bear' mode. I'm not losing anything, he is.

I feel sorry for my ds, but it's better he sees his parents happy I guess.

Thanks for that link Imperial

Does anyone know what his weekly
Gross income would be? I'm so shit at maths.

I did a rough estimate and it says £136 a week. Better than his shitty £50. Bastard

OP, are you at home and he is out?

You need to find any paper copies of his finances. Bank statements, pay slips, whatever. If you can't copy them, take photos on your phone. Do you have a home computer you can access where he might keep records? Try to get into those and save copies. Make sure you know details like his company name and work address.

Collect your and your child's personal documents, birth certs and passports. Stash them somewhere safe.

As above, he is now, ironically, going to be far poorer. Are you joint tenants on the house contract? You need a roof over your head for your child. Do not let him make you leave.

He's on 60k?

That's way more than £136.

I earn in the £40k and take home £600ish a week.

£1153.87 a week, think he can afford a bit more than £50 don't you.

For the 2014 / 2015 tax year £60,000 after tax is £41,941 annually and it makes £3,495 net monthly salary. This net wage is calculated with the assumption that you are younger than 65, not married and with no pension deductions, no childcare vouchers, no student loan payment

Depending on is pension contributions, he could be bringing home £800 a week.

What a complete and utter cockjuggler!

You are far better off without him, Lion and I mean that in every sense. But yes, do take the time that he is out to gather up as much financial information as possible.

jacks Tax?