Dating Thread 82

[steelchic]

Psssst Daters over here !!
Come share your stories good and bad

I like the end of that Bob Marley quote but haven't seen the beginning before. I don't like the attitude that if she's easy she's not amazing. Does that mean if a woman has sex with someone early she isn't worthy? That's horrible. I would only sleep with a man fairly soon if I really wanted him

I woud take a guy coming on really strong in the beginning as a red flag next time it happens to me.

arrow rioux I also took the start as a bit offensive. I understand the concept if it is worth it you work at it although in my current situation that may be floggin a dead horse
but as written it either implies slut shaming or else high maintenance is better. It's not. It is just high maintenance.

if you apply that to men, that would imply an abusive rs ( undoubtedly not easy) is better.

I go more with the theory the early stages of a rs it really should not be hard work.

Reminds me of quote my languages teacher once repeated to me Translations are like women, a beautiful one if rarely faithful and a faithful one rarely beautiful. probably true in the case of translation but in fact unfaithful people are unfaithful.

And on the topic of high maintenance I told my dsd the reason for now ex finishing our rs. she said but that is no reason "it is not like you are high maintenance" for some reason that made me I am not.

I have now distilled what happened between me and now ex as one of two things. what he said was: due to circumstances beyond our control and his current state of mind he felt he was neglecting me and I deserved better and he needed to get through the stuff he is dealing with. he really cared about me, it was very hard because we never had a bad word (true). so otoh he was trying to be noble so the fact he finished with me slightly makes me like him more so it might be salvageable eventually once he gets his head out of his arse and realises I was the one thing in his life that was not going wrong.

or the other interpretation is that he has a lot to deal with and on top of that he cannot deal with a gf who lives 25 minutes away and who cannot come to his very often because of small dc. so basically we were fine but he need someone else who is more convenient hence pof
in which case it cannot be fixed.

(I am leaving the pof thing aside for the moment as I have insufficient information).

but I think he maybe thinks I need him there more than i do. once a week fits in with my life fine as long as it is a) regular b) I am kept in the loop if things come up.

but for the moment as, despite saying he really wants to keep in touch, he has not contacted me and I am giving him space and time to miss me, I will just have to wait and it sucks

I don't read that Bob Marley quote like that, I would take 'easy' to mean as in high/low maintenance.

but high maintenance is not better. it is just high maintenance and a PITA.

Yeah I know, I just meant that I didn't take 'easy' as to mean a lady of questionable morals

WTAF is WRONG with some men?

Get a message, boring enough, whatever, no harm done, it's not always easy to be a sparkling wit..

then I get 'you got red hair lol?"

Erm.. says so in the profile AND the pics SHOW i have (i didn't reply, but .. thought it)

THEN - oh no, romeo is not finished there...

"You not fancy a date then fucking lol"

And there was I asking myself why I haven't dated a UK guy in 25 years. How the fucking hell did the British nationality not die out years ago?

I have a theory on why this is, but am now too irritated by this muppet to express it.

mink and arrow - I understand you may see the beginning of that quote as offensive, but the simple fact is that that is the way men view things. You can take all the offence you want but it's not going to change it.

I think I'm a decent enough bloke. Most of my friends are women, I try to treat people well, give to charity, think women should be treated equally to men etc.

But when I'm dating someone, all other things being equal, if I DTD with them on a first or second date, then I will lose interest in them. I'll just stop finding them so fascinating and interesting and will instead start seeing their amusing quirks as irritations, and instead of being thrilled that she texted me first thing in the morning, will start finding it annoying.

This isn't a conscious choice, this isn't something I can control. It's just a thing that goes off in my head in the same way that women often get angsty after sleeping with a guy the first time, men withdraw.

So, to overcome this (because I really don't want to end up just shagging around, I want to have a long term relationship) if I start dating someone and find them really interesting, then I try not to dtd until later. I won't be seductive, I won't plan that she stays over at mine or something - unless we end up getting trolleyed. I want to date her, meet her several times, lots of eye contact and flirting but nothing more than kissing for a while, until I've really got to know and like her a lot - at which point sex becomes an expression of affection and intimacy rather than a shag.

I'm not saying women shouldn't DTD whenever they want. Of course they can - just be conscious of the fact that men usually take time to really become emotionally attached - although they can say they are all they like - and if they DTD before they're emotionally attached then they'll rapidly go off a woman and move on to the next. Sex can be a bond-reinforcing act between a couple, but the bond has to be strong enough. If it's not, then it weakens it, and the guy loses interest.

Personally I think the quote is an oversimplification anyway. Amazing women can want to DTD early, and unamazing women can want to hold off. But when a man sleeps with a woman early on, he doesn't wait to find out whether she's amazing or not afterwards.

mink Super I think sometimes men think this ok, but when I told him to back off and clam down, he ignored. Now back normal messages as id nothing was said. Am ignoring him other than when he asked if I had cold feet and I replied are you surprised. Weirdo

mink and arrow - I understand you may see the beginning of that quote as offensive, but the simple fact is that that is the way men view things. You can take all the offence you want but it's not going to change it.

the other issue at play here is the time and the culture.

looking at the lyric, I didn't get the offensive angle. factor in language/dialect and it's not necessarily about promiscuity etc

Bant Thanks for being honest about dtd too soon and a valid mans opinion. I did learn this lesson early on and maybe a small majority of men don't mind how soon a woman puts out.

But some men can loose interest even if you wait, I read somewhere that its 90 days until dtd.

But if you really fancy someone and the sexual chemistry is full on, 90 days is long.
I suppose if it comes to easy to men then the value goes down.

don't worry Rioux it's a healthy chat about this, tbh, and good.

You have not been on AIBU yet then? Sheesh that's another universe when it comes to Professionally Offended

The way men and women view relationships are very different, opposite to one another at times I think, in that HE thinks visually, fancies her etc. He will allow time and the details to fill in afterwards. We tick HIS boxes after the visual.

SHE will find him attractive but will seek more depth to allow herself to let go and fall in love. HE ticks ours AFTER we see his qualities. It means that we'll often not be as subjective over looks as many men are. We'll forgive a less than oil painting if he's lovely in other respects.

in my opinion....

Feeling really down this afternoon, it's of going any whete with two men been chatting to not even any flirty comments.
Two others one I don't fancy at all , other just have doubt over and that can't be a good sign.
I know part of reason is I know Mr IT is taking his gf away this weekend and I'll be sat on my own.
I do t think the date with Mr young will go ahead , he not even texted me I.mean a little attention goes a long way, eve if it was just a quick hello would be nice

Rioux - I'm not sure how much that's the case - about some/most men seeing sex as being the relationship to begin with. I read somewhere that men are actually more romantic, women more pragmatic, at least in the beginning. I'm sure some do, but far from all of them.

When I'm doing OD, for example, I read a profile and if I see that the woman is someone I might want to spend lots of time with then I message her. Similar interests, funny profile text, nice photos. She doesn't have to be stunning at all, just has to be attractive to me. I don't message anyone who looks boring, no matter how physically attractive they look.

Then if the conversation is easy flowing, witty banter back and forth, then I start getting enthusiastic and want to meet her.

And if I meet her and like her - sometimes even before I meet her - I start imagining lazy sunday mornings in bed, reading the paper, watching films together, hand-in-hand walks on the beach, that kind of stuff. And I overlook - in retrospect - the annoying laugh or the right wing politics or the fact that she's never actually read a book without pictures in it. Or whatever.

I overlook those things until either I know her better after several dates and the rose-coloured glasses wear off, or that process is hugely sped up after we've DTD and I talk to her and suddenly realise that she's not particularly interesting, and never was. I just hadn't noticed until now.

So for me, at least, I've got my romantic feelings up front, and lust and novelty prevents me from seeing the real person, warts and all.

The romantic ideal I had gets tarnished when I realise they're not as perfect as I'd foolishly imagined them to be. I'm not just after sex, I want the relationship. Sex just causes those gaps between the ideal and reality to become obvious more quickly. Getting to know the person without sleeping with them also causes those gaps to become obvious.

I do want to have those walks on the beach, the long term happy-couple stuff. Eventually the scales fall from my eyes and see that she's not perfect, or not even long term relationship material. With some women, finding out the real person rather than the romanticised ideal is actually great, and those turn into relationships. With most women though, it's not. Which is why I aim (and sometimes fail) to avoid DTD early so if I break things off with someone it's at least before I DTD with them rather than afterwards. That way people don't get hurt, or at least not as much.

What's the difference between a Friday or Saturday girl? I'm guessing the Saturday night is more fun. If a bloke didn't want to see me on a Saturday night I would get the hint.
Slowly gaining knowledge on the opposite sex.

I hadn't heard the 'Friday/Saturday' thing but the way I understood it upthread was that Friday girls a man wants to go out with, dance, get drunk, sleep with. Saturday they've got the whole day free, so that's the one you want to go away with, chat, have coffee, go to the park.

The difference between someone you want to spend the night with, and someone you want to spend the day with.

Bant

What does it make you if they pretty much only see you in the week

I thought the Friday night/Saturday night girl is something we used to think back in the day in that on Saturday night he is still free to go out on the pull with his mates.

Fortunately not all men don't want to see a woman again if they slept together a few dates in. I've had relationships of the hand holding, beach walking variety when it's happened on the first night a few times. Usually I prefer to wait at least until third date but sometimes these things happen.

an afterthought, unfortunately, jesy. If a man is interested in a woman, he will make time free when she's free. Be that weekends, or midweek evenings.

If I like someone a lot, then I'll see them when they're available to see me, childcare and work permitting. If I can't be bothered to spend my free weekend time with them then I'm not particularly interested

No, not all men, Arrow - I DTD with someone a few weeks ago and I'm trying to get a second date. She's working on her thesis though and has a lot of family stuff going on, so we're just exchanging messages. DTD on the first date didn't put me off her because she was funny and interesting and there was a connection.

I'd like to see her again, very much so. And she says she wants to see me, and messages me first, but lives in another town and is stressed about her work. Maybe in this case if we hadn't slept together she'd be more interested in a second date with me. Dunno..

Other times though, I wish I'd never slept with someone because I didn't really like them that much, and lost respect for myself having done so.

It boggles my mind too, Rioux - yes I'm 40 and no I'm not offended :)

I'm chatting to a woman from Match - we've been mailing for a couple of weeks and have a first date planned at some point as ThesisGirl is very slow coming back to me about a second date. She told me that one of the two men she's spoken to (not met) has sent her a video of him masturbating.

I simply have no idea why a man would do this.

Bant, I wouldn't take the lack of 2nd date because you have already DTD, if it felt like a mistake she wouldn't want to be in touch now.

Rioux, I've only had one unsolicited cock shot. Some men get a kick out of sending them.