Dating Thread 82

[steelchic]

Psssst Daters over here !!
Come share your stories good and bad

"He is 46, divorced twice, one teenage son, lived alone for 6 years...maybe he's just a commitment phobe..."

After two divorces I don't blame him for being scared of commitment.

Hissy that's kind of what my instincts are telling me, and the advice I would give a friend! But the thing is things were so good, so easy, he made me really happy. And MadeMan I see your point but any commitment/intensity has generally come from him- he was the one talking about moving in together, talking about taking the kids away together in Feb... not me.

If he had just said he wanted a bit of space or to take things slower that would have been fine... but blurting out that he doesn't love me is so hurtful. And 8 months after hearing the same from exH I haven't got the energy to try and convince another man that he loves me... it didn't work with exH and it probably wpn't work here..

But he doesn't want to end it, he wants to carry on but with 'no promises'. Oh and he thinks it wouldn't be right to sleep together right now either..

And before anyone says it, I aaked if there was someone else and he swears there isn't. And I do believe him on that.

Omg avocado, before you mentioned the not sleeping together thing I was already thinking 'relationships are meant to move forward, not back- DITCH!'

I think men just get cold feet when there's even a whiff of commitment.

Every time TT and I get close he panics too

@Avacado - Sounds like he needs emotional healing which could be hard work for you or for anyone really.

He probably wanted to believe that he can do another serious relationship at the moment and threw himself into it in the beginning in an attempt to convince himself of that, but maybe it was just him putting on a brave face.

^ Fair play to him for trying another relationship though; if it were me after two divorces I'd give up and turn into a bitter, woman hating sad old hermit.

Rioux oooh yes things like that give me an ego boost too. Always nice to know someone fancies us

Mademan I think you're right in a way... he threw himself into it all, and loved playing with the kids etc, I think he really liked the idea of being part of a family again. And I guess I, as a very newly single mum, liked having someone around for the odd day trip with the kids etc. And the kids adore him... But still, it wasn't like he was here all the time, he prob only saw the kids once a week.

I don't know where to take it from here though...

Hissy I know your right, just had my mum give me same advice. Don't know what's wrong with me lately, broke up with ex because He couldn't arsed.
Think I panic about being alone, my ex seems to be getting on ok and I just feel pathetic

"I don't know where to take it from here though..."

Depends on whether you want to carry on with him with "no promises" and with no sex either at the moment.

It seems like a lot of undecided faffing about (however nice he is) and although no relationships are guaranteed, most generally have some idea of where they want to be going.

I've been following for a little while.

Play it cool girls and keep it up, some men freak when they know they have got you. Speaking from experience here btw.

But the thing is things were so good, so easy, he made me really happy.

yeah, you keep chasing that dragon you are in dangerous territory.

Let me tell you what I see...

I see a man who saw a vulnerable woman, someone who wouldn't be a threat to him. I see a man who wanted to acquire a family, any family to validate himself.

he doesn't care enough about you to give you a full relationship and is metering affection and love. He is begrudging you a full sexual relationship. He clearly has massive issues here, either madonna whore, or he's not actually interested in sexual relationships with women/adults.

He has gone in hard at the beginning, full bells and whistles to hook you, now that he has you, he is not trying any more, no need to.

In his eyes, you'll put up with anything to have a man, and he's just in it for the status updates.

Now he's 'not sure he loves you' you are now supposed to chase him and show him how much you want and need him. If/When you don't, it's not going to be pretty.

Bin this man. he is potentially very bad news indeed.

I spent 10 years chasing the 'nice' ex. The nice ex never existed, it was smoke and mirrors designed to catch me. 'Lucky' for me, sex WAS one of the weapons of choice for him, so at least I had that, but the whole thing was a golden cage in the end.

please just end this and give yourself the relationship you deserve; the one with yourself that sets the tone for the one others have with you.

Hissy Why do we suddenly become blind to the signs that men are giving off. We try to find plausible reasons for the dwindle in the attention or lack of contacts.
Is it just me or do men start off strong and ott with text in the beginning. Then just crumbs to keep us on the hook. Or they are busy texting other woman and just maintenance text to women they have hooked.
Why freak out if the women you had so much interest in is willing to be in a relationship, is it all a game for men.

Find it all so frustrating.

Next date with Ms Quiet tonight. She is coming over for food, drink and merriment.

Still not sure about her but will play it by ear whether she goes home tonight or tomorrow morning ;).

Gottafind, I think men do try at the start up to a point. Massive generalisation but they will know at the outset if they want some fun or a serious relationship. Of course they are unlikely to tell you what they are thinking.

Once they have got what they want, they can want to move on and do the same. Some of my mates just love the chase and get a massive ego boost from knowing they can get a beautiful woman.

Of course many men are not like that etc. Just depends what type you find and how much of a conscience they have.

Do you ever think we are missing the person or the lifestyle we had with them.

I don't mean money or nice gifts ect ,

I miss the fact that someone taped a whole box set for me, nights out doing daft things like drunken playing in the park, fact that he'd finish food for me ( eating issues) would cook for me .

I'm being silly I know , woke up tearful today x

Mystery Have a good night, sexual chemistry is important.
I have heard of the chase and read a few dating books but still fail to play the game.
Prior to old in the last 6 months, last time I dated I was 18. So its a constant learning curve for me.
Guy I'm dating is 24, 9 yrs younger and I think I'm beginning to notice that the gap is a problem. Have a dinner date this Saturday with his work friends but think I will have a talk. All my close friends and family think I should aim higher and that he's not treating me proper, which could be because he's young.
Back to old for me.

super Re Mr Gardener, he is someone who texted loads and then we spoke on the phone, got on so well seemed to share so much in common and agreed to meet this weekend. Then suddenly he started sending me really smutty text with no encouragement from me. I asked to back up a bit but he ignored, I can't fathom him out tbh

Thinking of joining a art group or something to try and meet a man in the flesh first. Was thinking of gym but maybe not the kind of men I want, alot of six pack posing type on pof.

blossom I wouldn't bother trying to fathom him out. he isn't respecting your boundaries and he is creepy.

As for the dwindling texting issue. I don't think there is necessarily that much to it. Once you know someone a bit better you just run out of things to say some days. you are getting on with life. and constant hi, how are you, I miss you, thinking of you texts are just blah blah blah. Before mobiles you would have seen the person you were courting once or twice a week and had very little contact in between. people coped. I think everyone over-thinks it now and assumes just because someone could be in touch, they should be in touch. I wouldn't want to be with someone who had no life other than me.

Blossom - very interesting re Mr Gardener, maybe he thought the smut was what you wanted, maybe it's worked on women previously... the worrying thing is you asked him to back up and he ignored... I wouldn't be happy with that at all.

At least (re above) when the Jamie Theakston lookalike started sexting, and I wasn't happy and asked him to stop, he did stop.

gotta hate to say it but an art group generally doesn't have available men there... You may strike lucky though!

I did do a walking group over the summer but it turned out the kind of man (who was interested) who I wasn't interested in!

Mink Very good view point on text, I remember when we had to live without texting, Probably why i am rubbish at it, I have not evolved to using my thumbs.
Blossom If you didn't give Gardener signals to talk dirty then he's probably testing to see how far you will go or what he can expect. Priming for sex and not exactly digging deeper into how to connect with you. I had almost exactly same thing, funny text, telephone conversations and Two dates. But after second date he started getting creepy and I knew he was only wanting sex. Forget him.