why was the text to sister about op's dh zapped?

[LEMmingaround]

Surely it was genuine???

I see no reason why Iwas can't start a new thread. She needs support.

It wasn't changing a few details though, after a certain point, very near the beginning, it was all made up - and posters were replying to what was being said and sharing their own very personal and possibly painful experience. According to her own account virtually the only true thing was the affair, so why not stick to the facts, why embellish with fictional 60th birthdays and God knows what else. Random she admitted the password thing (and virtually everything else afterwards) was made up.

Okay, so it seem I've been the naive muppet here, especially in using my own experience to empathise with OP on a false premise

BUT I understand the struggle she's having to appreciate what she'll have to do about her husband. It took me far too long to get to the point where I'm ready to leave, and I know it's not easy; we all manage it differently, we hate feeling weak and we try not to alienate whatever supporters we have, even as we risk doing exactly that anyway

For me, the saddest thing of all is that the husband is still in situ. This utterly manipulative man will almost certainly never change, especially now he's got away with it - and his presence will make quite sure that OP remains unable to take the action she knows deep down that she'll have to

I don't understand why posters don't just withhold details if they don't want to be outed. Why add unnecessary embellishments?

It's important to protect yourself when responding to threads and that is particularly true of posts in the relationships forum. I withhold the right to be suspicious of anyone who appears to lie in their posts. If you know one thing is a lie, how do you gauge what else may be made up.

Even having read it I don't understand why it was 'investigated'.

I think MNHQ have wisely understood that the biggest threat to this website is trolls. Whether that's fake threads so that posters give up making honest contributions in response or posters assuming threads are fake when they're actually not. Trolling destroys sharing and openess. On a website like this it is an impressively destructive force.

(I suppose others will say that the thread in question wasn't trolling but when it comes to changing loads of details and making up parts of the story to provoke particular kinds of responses I'm not convinced there's such a big difference.)

It is really unfair to say Iwas's thread was all made up. The fundamental things were the same. The husband has cheated, the wife and children are devastated and the only thing you may argue was wrong is that she already had got into the phone and didn't use the dog code. Does that REALLY make that much of a difference? If it means you regret giving advice then look at yourself. She just wanted to buy herself some thinking time and given how some posters are I don't blame her.

This is someone's life, it isn't EastEnders.

with respect Itsfab it was the OP herself who decided to turn it into 'Eastenders'.

Of course it isn't EastEnders, so don't fabricate parts of the story. I still don't understand why you would do that. Genuinely don't understand, so if someone could enlighten me I would appreciate it.

I wouldn't quite say the access to the phone/dog code were the only real inaccuracies, Itsfab ... there's a heck of a lot of oher stuff as well

I do understand, though, about the OP "painting herself into a corner" and whatever the merits of any individual thread, I agree with others that advice can be of value to others ... that's certainly applied to me before now, and I doubt I'm alone

As I've said, the biggest issue for me is that the husband's got away scot free with this so far; that really isn't going to do OP any good long term, and in a way I hope she'll feel able to come back in the future, for support in genuinely getting away from this appalling liar

I have been back over the threads. It seems around halfway through the first thread some key details were changed to the extent that they are fabrication. We therefore have 500 posts on one thread and 700 on the second that are based on posts by the OP that were false.

I was completely taken in, as were many others. Sure, some of the fundamentals are the same and Iwas would need support. But having gone the fabrication route, it seems she has disqualified herself from support on this website.

There are other websites where she can get more specialised help for the situation she is in.

Nauticant makes a great post.

I reported a thread yesterday which was not only the OP posting with an agenda, but also several other contributors to the thread, all of whom were relatively new and with the same agenda. It wasn't particularly obvious what was going on and many MN'ers posted their thoughts, advice and some sympathy for the OP's situation. The thread has now been deleted.

Other trolls are the ones who just make things up for kicks, or attention or whatever their reasons are.
The agenda driven trolls absolutely understand that trolls are the biggest threat to the site.

Just to add to my post above, it took HQ a long time to make the decision to delete. They were clearly checking into things, taking the time necessary to ensure that deletion was justified. I don't think deletion is taken lightly at HQ and I do believe they make sure they've checked something out thoroughly before they take that decision.

Random yes, why even start the second thread, if 'painted into a corner', it would have been an ideal time to let it drop. All the threads, including the 'apology' should now be deleted.

Absolutely, CharlieSierra. The whole of the second thread is odd. I cannot image what motivated her to make up having seen a solicitor.

The reason I go on about the dogs birthday/phone code connection Itsfab is because until that post, I didn't have any doubt that everything was genuine. At that post, the thought that darted involuntarily through my mind was "film script". Three tries available, two gone, last try, camera pans across to dog, put in code...

Why even start the second thread, if 'painted into a corner', it would have been an ideal time to let it drop

Yes, I can't disagree with that, Charlie - knowing what we know now, I guess the filling up of the first thread could have provided a "natural end" to it, so to speak

Oh well, I suppose all we can do is hope everyone's advice has been of some use to others

I didn't post on either of the two threads as I doubted the authenticity from quite early on. IIRC I didn't report it either as wasn't too sure.

However, I feel very sad for Iwas no matter what the actual truth is (and of course we are still not clear on that, how could we be after all the obfuscations). Here is a woman who felt so bad about her own situation and her understandable difficulties in taking the advice proferred she tried to make herself sound like the kind of person she wanted to be.

There is something profoundly human and affecting about that. Perhaps we all (collectively) should take a lesson from it. MN has a reputation for kick ass practical support and advice. That's great, but this can also be the downside...posters feel they have to "please" us by saying they are being more proactive than they are actually able to be at that moment in time but still wanting the immense support provided by strangers wanting the best for you. Another type of poster simply gets angry, defensive and ends up flouncing off in a flurry of upset and recriminations.

Personally, I am going to have a rethink about the way I post and the expectations implicit in it.

Why was the "he hit me" thread deleted?

I think you're right AF about the expectations some posters may feel are put upon them, but the beauty of the 'kick ass practical support and advice' is that it gives them a pragmatic, outsider view.
Sometimes platitudes are nice, but you can re-read the thread at a later point when not as raw, and the practical stuff is what stands out (iyswim).

That's why it helps when you have the mix of empathy for the 'now' and practical options you can access as and when you're ready.

The trouble is when posters get annoyed that their (usually excellent) advice is not being acted on immediately.
(I am guilty of frustration due to perceived inaction, too).

I had come back repeat what I said earlier, Iwas should start a new thread, she needs support. AF has echoed my thoughts exactly, and has said it so much better than I would of.
She is a real person who wanted and needed to reach out in some way.

It is so easy for some posters to type LTB. It is just three letters.

It can take weeks and months or even years to leave a bad relationship. Leaving is a process and not a quick decision.

The first step may be posting a small detail. Even a little detail may be enough for some readers to see that the relationship is doomed.

Meanwhile, things may get better. Standing up to a bully can change their behaviour.

To head off any accusations of hypocrisy, although I didn't post on those particular threads I am aware my posts on the Relationships board have very often been a case in point, and contributed to the culture I am referring to.

Well, I value the effect you've had on the culture Anyfucker. I did "ltb".

She is a real person who wanted and needed to reach out in some way

You have absolutely no basis for saying this - a 1,000 post thread and a 700 post thread were largely fabricated, there is no way of knowing whether as AF says above she was genuinely in difficulty, and if she was there is no excuse whatsoever for weaving such a dramatic and involved plot.

I am glad of that, KV. Do you think you were readier to LTB than some women who post here are ? It does seem to be that it when it happens it is a completely individual and personal crossroads reached for a variety of different reasons. Getting personal validation for your decision from strangers is only a part of it, the extent of how much it is significant varies hugely.

In other words (and this is where I nix the "nest of feminist vipers determined to break up marriages" accusation), a few cries of LTB are not likely to make a wavering woman do just that. Where you are in your journey of acceptance that your relationship is dysfunctional is the key, I think.

Whatever else anyone may chuck at you, AF, I doubt anyone could call you a hypocrite - I thought it took a hell of a lot of guts to make your last two posts, and I admire you massively for it. Nice one