why was the text to sister about op's dh zapped?

[LEMmingaround]

Surely it was genuine???

puzzled it's almost annoying isn't it that AF's usually very pithy posts are also backed up by a thoughtful and articulate argument. Damn you AF! You're spoiling all the fun for the "nest of vipers" accusators!

Was "he hit me" made up too now??

I don't know squidstirfry - I'd replied to it and saw it had been deleted - hence asking why. I can't believe someone would make up domestic violence and it seems really harsh to delete it if someone may need help in that situation.

I agree with AF wholeheartedly in her belief that some posters sometimes feel under pressure to do all the practical stuff that MN is recommending in the timeframe they are recommending.

I also feel that some OPs feel they will lose the support that they are getting if they don't take exactly the practical action that the supporters are telling them to take. When you are in a desperate situation and you feel that your world is falling apart, you want to grab on to support wherever it comes from.

I have certainly had crises in RL where I have found myself presenting a slightly different version of how the crisis is going when I catch up with friends - because when we'd met before, they recommended a certain course of action that I just wasn't ready to take. I have also experienced that sinking feeling when you know that somebody is presenting you with a very good and very viable solution and they are offering you all the help in the world, but there is a desperate part of you that is in denial, or has had some past trauma and finds moving forward difficult, or many, many others factors.

We all go through difficult times in life where the details are not black and white - not even to ourselves in our own heads. Let's just try and have a bit of empathy.

AF - you are saying that Iwas does not have a cheating husband. On what grounds?

Perhaps people think OP's should leave quicker because they don't understand it isn't that practical to do so or maybe they are just anxious that the abused gets out quick and doesn't have to live in fear any longer than necessary. People mean well.

I think AF is keeping an open mind. After all who really knows. The op of that thread was at best misguided in making stuff up and we never really know whether any thread is real

Sorry AF just realised I was speaking for you. I have a habit of doing that.

I am not saying anything in particular about that thread, fab, apart from why I didn't post on it. I am making a more general point, I hope.

You said this, AF which is why I asked

"I didn't post on either of the two threads as I doubted the authenticity from quite early on. IIRC I didn't report it either as wasn't too sure."

CheersMedea, trolls will make up all sorts of things.
No topic is off limits. In fact the more abhorrent the subject matter, the more likely someone who likes to cause disruption on a message board will post about it. They want to be disruptive, they want attention, that's how most trolls work. And it's even more fun for them when they're doing so on a very high traffic site like MN.

I should have left that bit out tbh, fab, as it is actually superfluous to my point.

I do think it's ok to doubt authenticity. I do sometimes, but I never do anything about it unless it has blaring sirens and flashing lights. Some posts are just obviously dodgy and I have reported ones like that. If it's a bit borderline then I just don't offer an opinion. Sometimes it's hard to sit on your hands when you suspect a troll and others are sharing deeply personal stories. It makes me wince a bit.

Gosh, the point about posters in distressing situations feeling the need to 'please' other posters offering advice is a sobering thought.
I had never considered that, but do think that is probably right.
People do often 'want to please' and give the answers they think their opposite 'wants'.

This has been a very interesting thread

Pacific except in the most extreme cases, that's why I believe a straightforward LTB isn't really helpful

We can all share our thoughts on what's happened (or likely to), we can mention our own relevant experience and we can warn about future issues if it seems appropriate - but the actual decision has to be the OP's

There's surely no other way it CAN be ...

As ever (and I know it's a very old and wrinkly chestnut) if nobody posted anything in reply to OPs than what they could 'afford to', then there would not be an issue.

I have only ever said LTB in jest (OP: 'DH has a preference for yellow ties. WWYD?' Me 'LTB ' - you know the kind of thing), but I have said 'I cannot see how this relationship has a future'.

It's just worthwhile bearing in mind that when we say 'see a solicitor, photocopy all the bank statements, get the kids' passports, whatever…' the OP might reply 'Ok, thanks for the advice' but not.

I totally agree that those who DO LTB, do it because they were ready to take that scary step - at best a thread here can be a gentle prod in the right direction and of course a hand to hold. At worst, there's the danger of scaring people off or making them feel more of a 'failure' because they are not yet able to leave.

Fully agree, Pacific

I must say that although I don't post much I have lurked for a while and on some threads I feel the furiousity and intensity of the many, many responses that some posters receive. It's visceral. Sometimes they make me feel hectored and I'm not the OP!

So I can imagine how a person who is in a vulnerable state, feeling that her life is crashing around her and reaching out for help, somehow gets swept along in the narrative and finds that she can't turn back because the weight of expectation and the exhortations about how well you are doing and how strong you are and how much you are admired by others just makes it too difficult.

All of that said, I followed Iwas's thread and I'm a bit shocked by her admissions - the fabrication of going to see the solicitor (and of course the fabrication of the advice she received from the solicitor and how she felt afterwards having been etc). I feel very, very sorry for her.

Maybe forums are just interactive entertainment and the truth or otherwise doesn't matter at all.

Wow, am pretty stunned after reading the "apology" from iwas. I really don't get why, if you feel that things aren't going the way that people on the thread "expect" of you, why you just don't say you're taking a break, or even just stop posting?

Why on earth start lying about codes on phones, solicitors appointments, solicitors advice, the fact he has gone etc etc? To make up all of that just because you seem to be of the belief that thats what people expect is just plain weird.

Really really don't get it.

I now feel my last post should have ended "At worst, there's the danger of scaring people off or making them feel more of a 'failure' because they are not yet able to leave" or it turns out that they were able to to change their relationship*.

We are ALL 'just words on a screen' in that none of us know the full story behind even the longest of posts.

This is a great thread.

This is so insightful and I hope it doesn't get binned before I can post on it and others can read it.
MSorry too woozy tonight posting from hosp yay though I'm back on mumsnet. Any will add my thought tomorrow and info hope not deleted!

I feel for Iwas and understand how she got into the momentum of having to somehow justify herself and then maintain the fictional aspects that she had created. I think she suffers from trying to please people and hence crafted the thread to meet the expectations of the other posters.
A problem with the relationships board is that people can read threads as if they are novels, rather than slices of people's messy lives. The readers expect denouement and action to run to a certain time frame which isn't always what happens.

one of the things that makes MN so wonderful is the wide variety of people and experiences and the way in which they're prepared to engage with posters in terrible situations. There is no one-size-fits-all approach and although I appreciate what AF and others may say about their posting style, I do believe that sometimes a more robust approach can be really helpful. it is of no use to posters to tell their terrible story and be met with a chorus of 'poor you, oh hun, no idea'.
And I love your earlier posts AF and as others have said, hypocrite isn't a word I'd ever use for you.