New name, new game, less stress, more progress! (Thanks to Rottie!)

[thenamehaschanged]

Here goes - thread 4 and definitely the last one now, sheesh!!

Who knew instigating divorce could be so bloody long winded!!

My last thread was 'It isn't Work Stress, it's emotional abuse and you're going to get divorced because of it H!'

Rottweiler solicitor (Rottie) and a non molestation order on Tuesday yippee!!

I absolutely agree too Augustus and Pond - I was very careful with what I said - although he was on my side too, he did angle at me waiting six months til both H and I have had our counselling and so of course I had to shoot him down there, but he got it, he had been told to take me for a drink with H and for him to feed back to H what I said, so I was firm but nice....and then a little tipsy, but I was alright in the pub, it wasn't til I got out in the air that I felt pissed and thankfully that's where we said goodbye!

Totally agree too Ribena - I have always had a problem with boundary setting, I am hoping this CBT I am signed up for is going to help there.

BIL is bringing the girls back at 6. I've had a nice day actually, stayed in bed until an unbelievable and not done in years 10.45am haha, chilled on the sofa, watched When Harry Met Sally, booked a single parents new year short break for me and the girls (I've said H can take them to his mums for Christmas) had a shower and now I'm making dinner - all is good!

Hope your evening went well, you've got through the first contact weekend - well done

I don't want to be a buzzkill, name, you know I adore you! But I worry that even the fact that you had three drinks in front of DBIL might have been duly noted. Remember twatchops kept trying to get you to have a drink and then accuse you of alcoholism? Just be careful, ok?

Hmm yeah I see what you're saying pedant - on my guard, it won't happen again and love you too

Thanks Random

Well, the good news (and you don't have to wait for Rottie to point this out - yuz gots ME!) is that you weren't in charge of the girls during/after the drinks. So even if DBIL intends you harm, it'll be a wet slap at worst.

But do watch your back. And be careful of any other of twatchops' family members or mutual friends. When you've got that many delusional family members on his side, you need to make yourself OVERLY clear, so words filters around. Call it an investment in stern - if you do it now, it'll be less work further down the line. just like parenting - was that my outside typing?!?

Everything: what you do, what you say, what you allow to be said by TC's family/friends (you can't allow any boundary pushing, and, yes, I do think this attempt by DBIL was one of those), whether you ever leave your phone out in their presence.

New fred, please, dearest! Chop chop...

New fred?! Thought was meant to e Greg?! ?? (yeah, I know was a typo really! ??)

4 freds to freedom

Love that, Stuff! Maybe new fred title, Name?

How were the children when they got back? Keep a note of any concerns you have after visits.

Hi Name,

Re: Single parents New Year holiday - can we come? Ooh it would be brill. I'm also trying to build my 'team of 3' and the shitey XH has got them for Christmas. I want me and them to have some top notch fun together after that. Oh what larks (and headaches) we would have. Poppy x

Absolutely Poppy haha! I went through 'Single With Kids' - have a look

Thank you Pedant really sensible advice that I have heeded thank you!

Like it Stuff, thanks

Yes Adara, Fred or Greg I'm not fussed

Thanks Jux - it went alright thanks - so BIL brought them back, they were fine - he stayed for a tea to chat again - I don't really know what about to be honest, same sort of thing - oh yeah it's H's birthday this week and I've said he can take the kids out for a meal, but that will mean me dropping them to an arranged restaurant and him dropping them back but he's not allowed to come to the door and unfortunately H's brother isn't around to chaperone.

Also they were all a bit gobsmacked apparently over the weekend when DD1 chimed in with that we would be moving house. BIL didn't look too impressed with me about that but the thing is, I didn't exactly sit the girls down and say hey we're moving - but DD1 did ask when we were staying at my mums and I just don't see the point of lying. So I told her the truth and made it seem exciting

That will just bring it home to BIL and STBXH that you are getting divorced and the house will have to be sold! Doesn't sound to me as though the message has got through.

Name, I am saying this in the kindest way possible - stop having chats with the BIL.

He is your ex's brother. He is your EX in law. You do not even remember what you chatted about over a cup of tea - if he turns around and starts twisting what you said and you can't even remember the discussion, you will be floundering to refute his comments. And if, as is highly likely, he is reporting back to your EXh, you are allowing them inside your boundaries. Get your boundaries firmly back up - this first weekend access was a beta test to find out what needs to happen for future weekends, and you detaching definitely needs to happen an awful lot more!

Be polite but distant. Stop engaging. Stop worrying about good manners.

Yes you're right Doc - difficult because he's the go between and this was the first weekend, but from now on I will detach more - we're only talking about essential stuff anyway which is kind of why I forgot what we talked about yesterday because it was just more of the same from Saturday and it's quite nervy for us talking like this - I don't think I've ever spoken to bil as much in 18 years!

Totally agree Persephone - just more and more denial!

I don't feel nervous about dropping the kids off with him tomorrow - not at the moment anyway - I'm going to have to see him to check he's there before I leave the kids in a restaurant - I feel ok, i will avert my eyes from his as soon as I spot him, I feel stronger inside, it's not easy to see it yourself that you've changed, but I really must have done!

He will have a quick look at the new you with your new hairstyle looking happy!

Wouldn't surprise me if he was waiting outside the reataurant for you all to arrive. Hoping for a present maybe? Ha!!

^ 'restaurant' of course!

Yeah and will hate me for it Persephone haha! He might be coming across like a Bruno Mars song to everyone, but he's capable of psychotic behaviour, and psycho's don't feel love.

I know Alice, bloody birthdays! The kids can make him a card but he can forget a bloody present - actually, I've just realised no cards have arrived here for him - a big sign that the family and his aunt all know he's moved.

Name, I am saying this in the kindest way possible - stop having chats with the BIL. He is your ex's brother. He is your EX in law

This a zillion times - he is not 'on your side' he is not your friend, he does not have your best interests at heart.
He has his brother staying with him at the moment whom lets face it he probably wants rid of (It's always nice to get your home back after even a nice guest leaves) He's acting as the go-between which he probably won't want to do forever.

I don't think I've ever spoken to bil as much in 18 years

I agree with the poster above who says you really need to get your boundaries straight - Telling H to only contact you through solicitor then having social drinks/cups of tea and chats with the person he's staying with is not on. Keep it civil and stick to arrangements but make sure you are always 'busy' or 'have plans' if BiL suggests more chats.
Best wishes.

Yes, please, Name, keep them all at a distance. They owe you nothing and it is in their interests to keep you and ex as close together and in each other's pockets as possible.

Stick firmly to arrangements as laid out in the documents, and give no quarter. As said, be busy until they stop trying to push boundaries (that's what's happening now, bil is helping push boundaries and also will be fact finding whenever he has the opportunity - he won't be able to help doing so, it's human nature when you're chatting; but never forget he'll be pumped for info every single time).

I'm glad the girls were OK. Don't ever lie to them for his sake.

Hmm yes I do agree, but - Rottie wanted me to use bil as go between at the moment to keep solicitors costs down. H isn't living with bil, he's renting a room at the mo, just used bil's flat on sat night as somewhere to stay with the kids. Bil is clear that he's only involved temporarily until H and I can communicate re the kids (by text/email only) but I'm not ready to go there at all yet - not until the divorce is way past decree nisi - I don't think this side of Christmas anyway - Bil has been imperative in telling H to pipe down and respect my wishes so for that I am grateful.

But also, Yes, I completely agree, I don't want to hear about H - not that bil has been offering up much info - talking to him though is slowing full detachment though I guess so I will keep it to text only about the kids.

Thanks so much though everyone, as always

Thanks Jux, I won't

Right new Fred title then - four threads to freedom! Divorcing Twatchops once and for all.

Nothing if any value to add I'm afraid dear Name, I just wanted to be last on this thread!