New name, new game, less stress, more progress! (Thanks to Rottie!)

[thenamehaschanged]

Here goes - thread 4 and definitely the last one now, sheesh!!

Who knew instigating divorce could be so bloody long winded!!

My last thread was 'It isn't Work Stress, it's emotional abuse and you're going to get divorced because of it H!'

Rottweiler solicitor (Rottie) and a non molestation order on Tuesday yippee!!

Name This all sounds like good news. His admitting abuse should make it easier for you to get legal aid (if you haven't already), shouldn't it?

I can't believe how far you've come in your journey to freedom. Not so long ago, him saying he luffs ya and wants to work on it and make things better would have had you wavering and doubting yourself. Now, you can see it for what it is, just another way to try and reel you in and get you back under his control.

This is very far from being the end of the road but it's a huge step forward. Well done and KOKO.

You mean the leave he said he wanted to take for half term? That leave he'd booked anyway and they wouldn't let him change?

Homebird8 that's a bloody good point. He's a slimy one out to spin his way out of as much trouble as possible. Beware.

So he's decided to roll over and piss on himself, eh? Too little, MUCH too late. It's all an act anyway. That's what's so frustrating and destructive about abusers. They lay it on so thick and suck us back in again and again and again. I know there would have been a time in my past where words such as Twatty's would have had me running back. That day when you find your truth and finally see them for what they are…it's amazing, isn't it? And once you are there, how strong you feel!

Let him moan and whine. Let him say what he'll do and how surprised he is and how much he'll change! It means nothing, less than nothing. Because it will all disappear once he sees that you now see him for what he really is!

Hi everyone! Thank you so much as always!!

I've been to the freedom programme this morning - it was 'king of the castle' day today which was just more eye opening. I then went to Sainsburys after because we don't have anything in, having been away the week and I just had a complete mental block. I just didn't have a clue what to get or anything, it was really really weird - I had to just try my hardest to focus on the kids stuff and slowly came out of it. Odd!

So anyway, yes he is totally and utterly mad but great to hear that he hasn't done himself any favours legally. I mean how much more of a hint does he need? Divorce papers and then threats of court orders and being asked to leave your home? That would say it pretty clearly to me.

I'm going to say to Rottie that I'm slightly concerned at that and see what she says.

Still feeling a bit mentally strained at the moment - like there's too much going on in my head to cope with I guess

Anyway lovely reading all your support, thank you

Well the one good thing about divorces is that they keep on rolling on regardless of what the person being divorced wants.

Tbh, he may as well want the moon to be made of candy floss - he's going to be divorced whether he likes it or not. He presumably instructed his solicitor to say he wishes to reconcile, and it was a fair enough tactic considering it worked last month. You had previous form for taking him back - he had to chance his arm you'd do it again.

I would say he'll keep up the sob story for a couple more weeks. Why wouldn't he? But as long as there's no contact then you have a good deal of control. You can instruct Rottie that you do not want her to pass along any of his emotional bleating, please. It is not relevant to any future financial settlement.

I've had mental block before, name - I can heartily recommend lists!

Get yourself a notebook, sit down with a cup of tea and write down everything you can think of that will need doing today/tomorrow/next week. Then sort in terms of priority and do them one by one. Try to be as specific as possible while you're feeling focused - it saves having to think later! Make meal plans, stick to them scrupulously and make up for the lack of spontaneity by having some 'surprise' ice-cream in the freezer for dessert

Lists help

Hi name,

Just thinking you're gonna need another whole thread soon!

I think you've inspired me to do the Freedom Programme at last. I am 3 whole years down the track and finally properly divorced and I realise that I am still finding it hard to rid myself of obsessive thoughts about things EA XH said or did or the hurt inflicted. It's not helped by the fact that he is being just as vile and obnoxious after-divorce as he was before. I nag myself that I should have been able to shake it off by now - but that makes me feel worse, just self-flagellation. So was thinking if name is doing FP, I can too.

Anyhow - I know that Sainsburys-thousand-yard-stare thang.

Glad you're back home. It must feel strange and not all that secure, given twatchops' track record. It will be nice when you start to feel safe and cosy with your DDs.

p.s. there's nothing like going through divorce to make you realise what is important. Just deal with the stuff you can cope with and urgent stuff. The small stuff can stay on your to-do list.

there's nothing like going through divorce to make you realise what is important. Just deal with the stuff you can cope with and urgent stuff. The small stuff can stay on your to-do list.

I don't know, poppy - at stressful times in my life my shopping list usually looks something like this:

Tesco - food and toilet roll
Currys - new freezer
Hobbycraft - MUST BUY OODLES OF FELT

It's good if there is at least one thing on the list that makes you smile leave the boring small stuff 'til later, obviously!!

great news you're back at home! YAY!!!

sorry to hear about your spaghetti head, name. Par for the course, I think, but perhaps keep an eye on your breathing: deep, into your belly?

re fags. I started smoking when I was gearing up to divorcing my horror ex. For me it took a major hold and I battled with stopping for years. Recently discovered vaping (electronic cigarettes) and VOILA, overnight success. Cheap too. I am no longer smelly

KOKO xxx

I love lists! It's been many, many, and MANY years since my divorce but my list was;

toilet roll
coffee
all-those-foods-I-loved-that-I-never-bought-because-he-didn't-like-them-therefore-we-didn't-eat-them
gin (falls under above category!)

This time of year makes me remember how one year (the LAST year before I found my ovaries and kicked him out) he pronounced that since he 'didn't believe in Christmas' I was therefore banned from putting up decorations or getting a tree or having any bit of Christmas in our house, and then he had the nerve to get pissed off because no one gave him presents. Sorry Charlie! In my family, you shit on Christmas, you're lucky you aren't tarred and feathered. It's one of my most favorite memories, him sitting gobsmacked at my parents (because of course pigging out at Mum's wonderful Christmas meal wasn't really celebrating Christmas) when he realized he was getting nothing and that there was nothing he could say about it.

Hi Partridge - I cross-posted, so I didn't know you were writing about lists when I was writing about them more metaphorically i.e. my post was not a riposte to your idea of list-making! Hope that makes sense.

In fact, list-making is critical to my life. I am nothing without a list. I just wanted to make the point that it is worth prioritising and not bashing yourself up about not getting everything done... that way madness lies.

And yah - OODLES of felt looks fine. I like to write 'write list' at the top of my list... then I can tick something! All the best....

I hadn't noticed the cross-post poppy! Don't worry, I got what you meant and didn't think it was a riposte at all

I had Sainsbury's brain fail during my divorce. It was very, very weird I realised I'd got so into the habit of choosing foods according to XH's requirements, I'd forgotten my own tastes.

That evening I went home in a car stuffed to the brim with different kinds of foods to try. It cost a bloody fortune!

Just to say, Name if the thought of list-making is bringing you flashbacks, you don't have to get up early in the morning to make them! Any time will do. Not all lists are bad just because H used to insist on them.

Acrossthepond, I just loved your Christmas story! Revenge is a dish best served ... with cranberry sauce.

Oh yes, sorry, I forgot the twunt loved lists

Lists are great to do in bed if you can't sleep. I do that and try to read if I am struggling. If they start looking overwhelming you can break up the day into 3 sections or break them into a couple of things a day for a week (this can make it seem far less stressful!).

Now you can talk to the girls about new routines/meal planning/movie night/take away night and what they want and work out your shopping lists from there

Oh shit yes, just one of the lasting affects the twunt might leave on you

If you decide to do a list it's a decision you choose to make for YOU, not as a directive from him.

I can't function without lists

Ha Ha, pedant, yes indeed! And make it the 'chunky' cranberry sauce since he liked the 'jelly' kind!

The best thing about your list these days (should you choose to start making one), is that it will be filled with your choices of food, the things that you and the DC like to eat, and you can completely ignore that little voice that says "H doesn't like that. Must get [this] for H. We can't have [that] because he says so." How wonderful

KOKO Name. Will be interested to see what Twatty's next moves are, genius that he is with his 2.1

Oh blardy hell I just typed a huge reply to you all and then my iPad froze and so I lost it!

I don't think I have the mental stamina to rewrite it now - just want to say thanks for the list suggestion, I've done it, it has been about the most productive thing I have done today and that had a good laugh about all your posts about lists and Twatchops haha!

(Actually I always used to write myself lists, it's just years with knob jockey telling me how shite I am and 'telling' me that I don't write lists, and telling my mother that I don't 'do' lists that has sort of addled my brain about them!)

Anyway, I'll be back tomorrow with a proper reply to you all - all good here, relaxed, kids in bed, and reading 'Psychopath Free'

Love to you all

Oh and great Christmas story Pond! What a Scrooge haha!

Sainsburys Brain Fail

Sainsburys-thousand-yard-stare

Name over the last week I have read all your threads, and followed your journey and even though I'm late to the party, I just want to say how amazing you are, and praise the strength you have shown in giving this man the boot.

I snuck out of my relationship with a back pack of my clothes, and a few of my books and nothing else, while my XH was on a business trip. I wish I had known about Mumsnet then the support on here is amazing and often better than the RL support we get.

So many of the comments you have made about your H resonate with me, and I applaud you for protecting yourself and your girls from this "man" I use the term man loosely, because lets face it, no real man would ever treat a woman, his wife and the mother of his children in this way.

name, are you OK?