New name, new game, less stress, more progress! (Thanks to Rottie!)

[thenamehaschanged]

Here goes - thread 4 and definitely the last one now, sheesh!!

Who knew instigating divorce could be so bloody long winded!!

My last thread was 'It isn't Work Stress, it's emotional abuse and you're going to get divorced because of it H!'

Rottweiler solicitor (Rottie) and a non molestation order on Tuesday yippee!!

his mother is deluded beyond saving.

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree though, does it? Him and them thinking that this is 'just a blip', and you 'need some time apart' and then will get back to being 'Name and TwatChops, forvever and ever' is only a delusion in their own minds. We know better

KOKO Name, you have been such a great example to all women who are struggling in abusive relationships.

At least the police have a record of his twatchoppedness should he try to turn nasty. I really hope he doesn't, but please be on your guard for a while yet.

Aw thank you Tallypet, that was lovely

Oh totally Zazzles, it's delusion central round at theirs, weird weird people - Christ first time I met them all those millions of years ago I thought they were utterly mental but I was so head over heels infatuated with Twatchops that I chose to overlook it and believed he was 'different' 'special' 'a fledgling' - my mum used to say 'where does he come from? I can't believe H came from that bunch of nutters' (and she can talk lol!) Well in actual fact he was the worst of the lot of them - a complete and utter, tick every box and more, raving bloody Narcissist...shudder!

Hey ho, you live and learn. Thank you everyone - lol Pond at the Tiffany necklace (hmm...actually you know what, that's not a bad idea! A memento of this crazy period in my life - all that I've been through, all these threads of support, all of you (( )) my own key...)

And if I've been in anyway supportive to anyone going through the same then that's been all the more worth it. I hope so

What lovely updates, Name. You are a different person! I bet the children are enjoying and loving this new you!

This is the sort of person who sees relationships as adversarial from start to finish. I suspect very strongly that his perception of what has just happened is that you have decided to take your ball and go home.

I think he will see this divorce as a continuation of your former gladiatorial lives together. His inability to accept the filing of divorce papers and inability to tell his mother the truth plus the two pages of hope for reconciliation are refusal to concede defeat.

He is not going to go quietly.

Thank you Jux

You're completely right mathanxiety. I've been enjoying feeling in control these last few days but I think he may well turn really nasty once he realises the marriage is really being dissolved.

I can't believe his solicitor wrote all that guff - pleading on his behalf, going on and on about his hopes, dreams and fears while at the same time mentioning the non molestation and occupation orders - I mean, come on!

Just doing her job I guess. Got Rottie's letter tonight about proposed access - it was very reasonable actually with just a hint of Rottie Bam! Pow! style this time - yes you can see the kids but basically don't emotionally manipulate them and you cannot have any contact whatsoever with my client!

His solicitor will get that tomorrow, so I said re this Saturday that I can drop them with his brother and then they can drop them back Sunday - except, just been on the online bank and I think he might be on his way up north to his family and friends and that's not a one nighter journey - he'll probably stay the weekend. Hmm guess he's got every right to return to his family for support - and it's not my fault this letter hasn't been ready to go til tomorrow - oh I don't know - it'll be good when I use my other account exclusively and don't need to look at our joint one and see his movements while I'm there.

Just popping in to say you are doing brilliantly Name. Congrats on the not smoking.

Aww thanks Darkest!!

Well done so far Name, you've done us all proud :D

Even if he's going up north, you're showing willing and doing what to must do re access.

In my parenting agreement I have clauses specifically relating to speaking about the other parent to the children - it is verboten, and extended family members are also to be told to wind their necks in. Not sure how this clause could be enforced but I wanted to hammer home the point that exMIL was not to be allowed to do her usual stunt of holding forth at the dinner table on the subject of absent family members.

I like that clause, mathanxiety. I'm very fond of my ex-MIL, but she does have that tendency too. Years later I found out that she had been telling my dd some awful untruths about me.

Right thanks mathanxiety - Rottie has said in her letter that he's not allowed to talk about our situation with them, but I didn't realise that could extend to his family as well.

And yes Mexican, I wouldn't trust mil to not start apportioning some blame my way to them at some point 'it takes two to tango girls!'

Thanks Booby, thanks Joysmum

Loving your updates name. :)

So happy to read that you are still feeling strong and warrior like

How do you think the girls would respond/cope if you tell them that if STBX and family say anything that the find upsetting or confusing they can write it down and either you can talk it over with them or can arrange for them to see someone at school who will help them if they don't want to say things to you?

I think he will say/imply/announce stuff and I think it's important that the girls know they have the right to tell someone anything they want to, there are no secrets that the have to keep.

YY To Random's idea.

Here the only secrets DDs have To keep are what we buy each other for birthdays/Xmas. Everything else is an open conversación.

Totally agree with Random's comments.
The girls are at such a vulnerable age. When DH and I were 'having problems' his Dad and Sister were making the ' it takes two' comments and 'he's done nothing wrong', to my DD, who was much older than names DDs, but she found it very upsetting and confusing at the time, as she'd seen me go through hell!!

Name, your amazing!! KOKO

Thanks Fluffy

Random - yes I think although the dd's love his mum, their allegiance is with me so I think they would tell me.

That's so cool Adorabell! That's what I'm like anyway, very open with things.

Thanks Augustus - bless your DD at that time - I cannot stand mil always blurting '2 to tango' and 'no one's perfect' - if you remember from my first thread, they came down the weekend just before I was seeing my first solicitor, and all she did was talk about failed and failing relationships. And she will be firmly on H's side obviously - when H spoke to my parents after first receiving the divorce papers, he said 'all I'm guilty of is working too hard' and that's the line mil will take.

I'm stepping into new territory with all this - I hadn't even considered you could slap bans on family members as well. Very interesting times ahead!

Anyway, I've just had my hair cut much shorter! And I can see from the bank that he hasn't gone up north as I thought so his solicitor will talking to him today about this weekend seeing the kids arrangements as they should have Rotties letter by now!

name You mentioned up thread that you hope your experience is helping others... it is! So thank you. Also wanted to say that electronic cigarettes are amazing for stopping smoking. And the haircut is very symbolic, I've also just madea physical change to mark my new life. Good luck and please do a new thread!

Oh thanks Original, that's good! I might have a look at the electronic fags then as these patches are going to be seriously tested tonight - it's my first, official, single parent handover weekend tomorrow. Needless to say the diet's been forgotten and I've bought a bottle of Pinot!

So I'm dropping them with his brother somewhere and then they'll be dropped back Sunday at 6pm by his brother I got a little lump in my throat when I got Rottie's email. I don't have anything to do this weekend so I just saw a long, lonely time stretch ahead of me until they're back. But - this is the life I wanted. The alternative doesn't bare thinking about - I just don't think at the moment I'm capable of doing anything other than slumping in a heap. I had visions of being this vibrant, slim single mum, who utilises her time when the kids are at their Dad's with keeping fit at the gym, a bit of pampering, some girls nights out, the odd online date - it all seems still so beyond me - I'll be lucky if I get out of bed most of Sunday!

Have high hopes for this psychotherapy which I should be getting a call about soon.

Really feel for you maybe throw yourself into making the house lovely for the girls' return - buy in all their favourite food or something. That way you can still concentrate on them and do things for them even though they're not there...

The slumping in a heap is fair enough love, this has been a marathon few months and you must be emotionally exhausted. Slumping with the Pinot is a really good start. Slumping in a hot bubble bath also very good. Slumping with a nice meal for yourself, a good film, a lie in.... all a good start towards that vibrant single mum having her pamper weekends and fun. Being nice to yourself is probably going to be a shock to the system to start with!

Yeah think I will thanks Original plus maybe a call to the Samaritans!

No it's ok I'll be alright. I was feeling really good yesterday and then this morning I felt exhausted as soon as I woke up - I drove the kids to school which is 5 minutes away in my pj's, came home went back to bed. Forced myself back up at 11 to go for a haircut which I seriously considered cancelling - then came home and went back to bed until school pick up time. Utterly hopeless!!

Aw thanks Rumble!! Sorry x posts there! top tips anyway!

The FP ladies keep saying to us all, be kind to yourselves, healing is a journey - guess they're right.

Sorry to hear you are feeling down Name . Be easy on yourself, as you say this is by far the best alternative.