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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

New name, new game, less stress, more progress! (Thanks to Rottie!)

999 replies

thenamehaschanged · 19/10/2014 18:40

Here goes - thread 4 and definitely the last one now, sheesh!!

Who knew instigating divorce could be so bloody long winded!!

My last thread was 'It isn't Work Stress, it's emotional abuse and you're going to get divorced because of it H!'

Rottweiler solicitor (Rottie) and a non molestation order on Tuesday yippee!!

OP posts:
Original poster
thenamehaschanged · 20/10/2014 09:29

Aw thanks Pedant, good old Frozen eh?!

Thank you Yonic, I know - all posts here have been exceptionally helpful and so was AF - actually chuffed she made it on here being a bit of a MN sleb haha!!

But yes, thanks for the reminder, Rottie wants bank statements, ID and I also remembered I have my letter from the Psychological Service detailing that they are offering me a course of CBT and talking about me being in an abusive relationship - I squirreled that away in a panic when it was posted here so that can go with all the non mol evidence as well!

Right I'll get on to Rottie a bit later this morning to see if she'll need help getting my file.

Thank you so much as always everyone Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
thenamehaschanged · 20/10/2014 09:32

Thanks Zazzles - I think he thought he appeared cute doing it, and that it would look to me and anyone else that it was just a joking around thing to do, but was actually doing it because he's weird and sinister.

OP posts:
NettleTea · 20/10/2014 09:33

glad you have a busy day today to carry you through.
And roll on tomorrow.

BeyondPreparedForHell · 20/10/2014 09:39

I wouldnt put it past such a wanker to do it in the hope you jump and accidentally hurt him...

Clutterbugsmum · 20/10/2014 10:23

My thoughts exactly Beyond. He wanted you to accidentally head butt him so he could claim you abuse him.

FantasticButtocks · 20/10/2014 11:20

Morning! Smile

That positioning himself so his face is the first thing you see when you open your eyes…really creepy and unpleasant. He seems to think he can get away with things like this because they are disguised as a 'bit of fun'. Then you get accused of overreacting or not having a sense of humour. Everything is twisted to make sure you are in a bad light.

When he starts to bleat on about how you never gave it a chance, wouldn't do counselling etc. you can just point out to him that you don't wish to be married to someone who A) thinks you have an evil cheating face and B) feels it is his right to keep telling you where he thinks you can improve FFS!

Your life can only improve significantly as a result of getting rid of this absolute psycho knob.

Have a good day Flowers

RandomMess · 20/10/2014 11:29

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww he's creepy manipulative head fucker!

hillyhilly · 20/10/2014 12:54

urgh, I think he know you're slipping away and is trying anything to seem cute/ lovey, except actually behaving like an decent supportive partner because he apparently doesn't know how to do that.

YonicScrewdriver · 20/10/2014 12:58

Remember, it's not a bit of fun unless both people are having fun. This seems to have escaped Twatchops!

Original poster
thenamehaschanged · 20/10/2014 13:16

Oh definitely everyone, thank you!!

He's bloody phoned me twice this morning checking up on me, being 'cute' and giving me some 'jobs' to do, so I just said there 'have you signed your contract yet?' and I got a mumbled 'no' and then a much clearer 'was that tit for tat, Name?'

Anyway, got all my statements printed off, think I might drop them into Rottie again instead of having them here tonight.

i just want this to be over. It's so sad I need to go to these lengths to get rid of him but I honestly would not be able to handle him myself - if I could, I would and I wouldn't be in this position now. Looking forward to tomorrow :)

OP posts:
ninawish · 20/10/2014 13:27

I'm waving my pom poms longer and harder and higher more than ever before Name.

hear my pom poms roar

Like many others on here I've been reading since the beginning and following hoping wishing praying for you and gone through the highs and lows and now sending you all the strength in the world these next few days

KOKO we are so close can't wait for liftoff and your freedom xxx

so pleased your girls will have the joy of a happy free mummy woohoo

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 20/10/2014 13:36

when I opened them H was so close to my face he was almost touching my nose with his, totally silent

yet he makes out he is the victim, defies belief.

Go, Rottie, go!

nozzz · 20/10/2014 13:52

If you drop of any documentation today, thing it's the safest thing to do.

Some of your earlier messages suggests he maybe suspicious so wouldn't take any risk if possible.

NettleTea · 20/10/2014 14:37

yep, clear your house of any shred of evidence
Just one more night and thats it

AcrossthePond55 · 20/10/2014 15:16

Ugh! That's just creepy. My DH is lovely but I don't think I'd want to wake up with his face up in mine! Thank God for 'morning breath', eh?

Giving you little 'jobs' is it now? Just his way of reminding you (and him) that he is the 'top dog' by ordering you around. And trying to prove to himself that you still 'love' him because you'll do what he says.

Original poster
thenamehaschanged · 20/10/2014 15:32

I know Pond, you're absolutely right - I think I'll ignore the phone next time - he's called 3 times today and in this ridiculous attempt at keeping up the act, I've been answering him and now I just feel drained!

How the bloody hell did I manage to find this prize arsehole?

OP posts:
YonicScrewdriver · 20/10/2014 15:49

Yeah, giving you jobs but not doing the one thing he promised you he'd do. Nice.

Shelby2010 · 20/10/2014 16:00

Hi Name, I've been following your threads & cheering you on from the realms of the silent lurkers. Isn't it this week that he has to have contested the divorce petition by? I don't have much of a clue about this but I'm sure you said back at the time that if he didn't respond then he would have to pay all costs? Is this still the case, because it would be a shame if the non-mol was served the day before & reminded him about it?

Original poster
thenamehaschanged · 20/10/2014 16:16

Hi Shelby, thank you Thanks well yes according to Sol 1, h has until this Thursday to respond, but when I saw Rottie she didn't agree with Sol 1 and said we could have proceeded sooner so i don't know? It has certainly dragged on long enough and I know he hasn't been to see a solicitor. This is all so weird!

OP posts:
Darkesteyes · 20/10/2014 16:26

Name the situation you are in has really shown up the faults in the system. I HATE the fact that its taking so long for it to be sorted and for you to be free of the High Priest of Twunts. Thanks Cake

AcrossthePond55 · 20/10/2014 16:32

I don't think you found him, he found you! The same as my 1st H found me. Men like this just sense the women who will put up with their crap if they can deceive us long enough to fall in love with them. Nice, loving women who would be more than happy to do things for or 'cater to' a man who cares and is considerate of and caters to her, too.

They're just very good at disguising who they really are until we are already sucked in to their 'reality'. Then after awhile they feel they no longer need to cover their assholiness with that thin veneer of niceness. We continue on for awhile thinking there must be something wrong with us, but slowly we realize that 'it's not us, it's THEM'.

Shelby2010 · 20/10/2014 17:21

Perhaps it will become clearer when Rotty gets your file. Maybe it's up to the solicitor whether they give 2 or 4 weeks to respond, but if that's what he's been told then it might be worth holding off one more day?

TheSilveryPussycat · 20/10/2014 17:27

It took from Sept 2011 to Jan 2012 to get to nisi, most of which was spent by me a)waiting and b) trying to get STBX to negotiate over financial settlement. This is about the fastest it can get, I think. I then went to absolute as soon as I could, so Feb 2012, could do this as no pensions to speak of, and kids grown. Then ended having to take Ex to court over finances. Through all this time we were living under the same roof. Ex never did nice, just got more obnoxious, and didn't even retain a solicitor.

'Only' EA and financial abuse (cock-lodger) so no non-mol or occ order. God it was a long year. We finally settled in June 2012 and he moved out Aug.

headlesslambrini · 20/10/2014 17:57

Have lurked on your threads but just want to say good luck for tomorrow.

BeeOrchid · 20/10/2014 18:32

Hey, I get the lists of jobs and phone calls to check I've done them. It never crossed my mind that it was all about asserting power and control until I read Acrosstheponds post! Bloody obvious really. It's all because I'm so "disorganised". What it actually does is make me very anxious, trying, and usually failing, to get it all done.

When we're both at home he infuriates me by expecting me to drop whatever I'm doing to fetch and carry for him. The assumption being that whatever he's doing is far more important than what I'm doing. Then he'll say "what's for lunch?" expectantly, as if we hadn't both been busy.

Thank you so much across and name, I see it so much clearer now.

Do they know they're doing this, or do they actually think we need organising and constant reminders??