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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

So my DP hit me tonight ...

312 replies

coolbeans · 18/10/2014 20:54

... And ain't that a kick in the head. Or the hip, which is where he punched me.

Sorry; gallows humour.

I do not even know why I am posting. It is the shock I think.

Our youngest was having a toddler meltdown and DP was busy complaining about how I was handling it. In a temper, I said: "You know so much, you should take him!", and thrust said child at him. He didn't catch him and ds fell. My partner punched me. Really hard. And then snarled at me that I should stay away or it would get worse.

we have been together 15 yrs.

I had an horrible childhood. It was all gymkhanas and public school on the outside and beatings and abuse behind closed doors. I had years of counselling and my therapist said one of my problems was that my thresholds were too high.

But being hit. that is one of my lines. I had years of it. I am not going there again. I have worked in DV. I know the script. If I don't walk away now, the likelihood is that it will happen again.

He hurt me. It fucking hurts. I don't understand how ths is my life. He is acting as though it is all of my own doing. Not a word of apology. The fucker.

Sorry for typos and incoherence - too much wine has been drunk to numb how unutterably awful this is,

OP posts:
Original poster
coolbeans · 18/10/2014 21:46

No of course I did not throw my 2 yr old. In exasperation and irritation, I said - you take him then! He was on the sofa - DS was put on a cushion.
He got up and came after me and punched me - hard - on my side.

To my eternal shame my eldest saw this all and that is the worst aspect of everything.

OP posts:
lougle · 18/10/2014 21:51

Well of course she doesn't have to do anything. It's hard to understand the comment about the DH 'not catching' her DS without clarification, though. In my mind, the holder of the child needs to ensure that the transfer is secure, though, and I can't imagine a (sensible) situation where the safety of a child relied on someone 'catching' him.

northernlurker · 18/10/2014 21:52

You've nothing to be ashamed of OP.

What does the area on your side feel like now? Does it still hurt?

lougle · 18/10/2014 21:52

X-post with you, coolbeans. I see now.

Altinkum · 18/10/2014 21:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

slithytove · 18/10/2014 21:55

No, it is your H who should be ashamed.

Are your kids both ok?

H needs to apologise to them regardless of what you choose to do.

Altinkum · 18/10/2014 21:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 18/10/2014 22:01

The OP has been with this man for 15 years and he hurt her tonight for the first time.

For the FIRST time. So what, you reckon the OP should stay with him and give him the opportunity to do it again? The first time should be the last.

And the huge concern is what if next time he's angry at one of the dcs. Is he going to punch one of them? She can say he'd never hurt the dcs, but then.. she probably would have said before that he'd never hurt HER.

Original poster
coolbeans · 18/10/2014 22:02

I really did not use my son as a weapon. I apologise if it came across that way.

I understand your reservations - those that have them.

Thank you Northernlurker - I very much appreciate your concern. It does hurt; it is a bit of a shock, actually. I am surprised.

I am still processing.

OP posts:
slithytove · 18/10/2014 22:04

You will be in shock especially considering your background.

As long you you feel you and DC are safe there is no need for immediate action. If you are drinking though I wouldn't interact with H tonight. Is he drinking too?

lougle · 18/10/2014 22:05

Well it does sound like a terminology issue there, tbh. I didn't visualise a 2 year old child on a sofa when the OP said 'didn't catch'. We always say on MN 'if they're really frustrating you, put them down and walk away....'. It does sound like that is what the OP did, and she couldn't predict a punch.

I hurt my DD2 yesterday. She was mucking around instead of getting ready for bed. I was frustrated and took her toothbrush from her and started to clean her teeth. Suddenly she was in tears. I'd forgotten about the 'sharktooth' that's clinging on for fear life. I felt awful that I'd hurt her, but I didn't do it deliberately. If I hadn't been frustrated I probably would have seen it. Just as if the OP hadn't been frustrated, she probably would have seen that the cushion wasn't stable.

From her description, the punch was deliberate and calculated. A completely different thing altogether.

Glittermud · 18/10/2014 22:06

I've been with my husband for nearly 15 yrs and if he did that to me it would trigger a seismic shift in our relationship. I can only imagine how shocked you must be feeling.

Flowers
Original poster
coolbeans · 18/10/2014 22:07

"That it came across" not "if"; I do not mean to be mealy mouthed.

OP posts:
temporaryusername · 18/10/2014 22:07

((CoolBeans)) I'm so sorry, you must be in shock.

So your DS was on the sofa? Did he fall off due to the way you had set him down, or just because he was having a tantrum?

To me, nothing would justify the fact that instead of seeing if he was ok, your DH came after you and punched you. A PP said they wouldn't say it was DV if this was the first time it had happened. I don't understand that. How many times do you have to be punched before it is DV then?

It took place in the home (domestic), and you were punched hard (violence). It was DV, the best you can say is that there is not yet a pattern of DV. The growling afterwards that you should get away before worse happens, and the lack of an apology, suggest a deeper problem than just an outburst during a row.

OP, you obviously know a lot about this, and you have established lines you won't have crossed. So I'm sorry if I wrong in wondering this, but do you think it is possible that he has been treating you very badly for some time and you have not felt able to respond as you would want to because of your past experiences?

PrettyPictures92 · 18/10/2014 22:08

Altinkum read the damn thread, the OP DID NOT THROW HER CHILD!! He fell while seated on a cushion. Before you decide to attack the op at least get your damn facts straight! She's been through enough tonight as it is.

northernlurker · 18/10/2014 22:10

OP - do you think he hit you on your hip bone and it's bruised or was it more abdominal? If the latter the fact that it's still hurting may mean you need some medical assessment.

Alice - reread my posts and then come tell me where I've said the OP must put up with being hit? My point is, and others have also said this, it is not as simple to resolve this situation as some of you seem to think and the more you shout and declare slogans, the harder you make it for women to ask for the sustained support they need.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 18/10/2014 22:13

northern I have been in that situation, thanks. You don't need to tell me it's complicated.

SoonToBeSix · 18/10/2014 22:15

Temporary I didn't mean the fact that it happened for the first time means it's not dv. I read the post as the op has caused her child to be hurt ( accidentally) her partner was shocked and angry by this and lashed out by hitting her. I am in no way condoning his actions just saying it doesn't sound like dv. However I have read more of the op post relating to her child so I have changed my opinion.

Altinkum · 18/10/2014 22:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mrstiggy · 18/10/2014 22:17

Hi OP, hope you are ok. It's worrying that no matter what happened before he didn't just 'lash out' then immediately apologise a thousand times (not the that would be fine, but sort of understandable) he got up, walked over to you, punched you, threatened you with further violence, then maintained that was ok. That's scarey and must be hard to get your head around. Your children must also be very upset by this. I hope you and them stay safe and you don't minimise what just happened. It wasn't your fault and it's not ok.

Altinkum · 18/10/2014 22:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Spindarella · 18/10/2014 22:19

I fucking hate the term "domestic violence" - really minimises the violence aspect. If anything, being assaulted in your own home by someone you trust is far worse than "general" violence.

OP you seem really switched on. I have no worries you will do whatever is best for you and your family - whatever that might be.

GirlWithTheLionHeart · 18/10/2014 22:21

Why would he punch you if your ds fell on a cushion on the sofa? Slight overreaction from him if so.
From your original post you made it sound like your ds fell and hurt himself on the floor and this angered your partner who then punched you.

GirlWithTheLionHeart · 18/10/2014 22:21

Which still wouldn't excuse him at all obviously

PacificDogwood · 18/10/2014 22:24

Yes, I too don't understand why there's any need to differentiate between assault generally and DV - to be attacked by somebody who is meant to love and respect you must be so much worse than some random attack.

I agree that no knee jerk reaction is likely to be of any use, but if my DH every punched me the DCs and I would be spending the night in the nearest Travellodge.

I really hope you find a safe way forward for you and your DCs.

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