So my DP hit me tonight ...

[coolbeans]

... And ain't that a kick in the head. Or the hip, which is where he punched me.

Sorry; gallows humour.

I do not even know why I am posting. It is the shock I think.

Our youngest was having a toddler meltdown and DP was busy complaining about how I was handling it. In a temper, I said: "You know so much, you should take him!", and thrust said child at him. He didn't catch him and ds fell. My partner punched me. Really hard. And then snarled at me that I should stay away or it would get worse.

we have been together 15 yrs.

I had an horrible childhood. It was all gymkhanas and public school on the outside and beatings and abuse behind closed doors. I had years of counselling and my therapist said one of my problems was that my thresholds were too high.

But being hit. that is one of my lines. I had years of it. I am not going there again. I have worked in DV. I know the script. If I don't walk away now, the likelihood is that it will happen again.

He hurt me. It fucking hurts. I don't understand how ths is my life. He is acting as though it is all of my own doing. Not a word of apology. The fucker.

Sorry for typos and incoherence - too much wine has been drunk to numb how unutterably awful this is,

hipo hip obv!

Sorry, total cross posting there.

Glad to here from you OP. Sounds good that the boys are going on with their normal activities. I'm so sorry you're still in pain, do get it checked out if you think you need to and agree about the photos. I also sorry he has not apologised.

Hope you manage to get a bit of Autumn sunshine to cheer you on your conker hunt.

OP, do you have a walk-in surgery where you are? I would go and get your injury checked out, if not today, then tomorrow. I would definitely get it recorded and I also second taking photos.

IMO violence escalates. If you stay now and do nothing I fear you will be walking on egg shells so that it does not happen again :(

I am sorry that your thread got derailed. FWIW my ex was similar so I totally understand your frustration.

Hi OP, good for you for coming back to the thread. I hope you have a lovely morning with your little one.

Coolbeans. Don't get so caught up in normality that this gets ignored whilst you move forward based on hope. He's crossed a line. Keep your boundaries intact.

Coolbeans

Hope everything works it for you.

I couldn't sleep last night Coolbeans and was reading your thread in utter frustration for you - I have been in many situations like yours and you didn't deserve your thread to turn into the bun fight that it did so I'm glad you're back today and that you found some support and kindness through the mud slinging!

What I always did after an abusive episode like yours was keep my distance from him the next day and have a good, long, deep think about my future and the life I wanted or rather, playing the victim in his eyes and Working through the confusion, is this abuse or am I being melodramatic?

Ultimately you shouldn't have been punched and your hip shouldn't be sore this morning love and you know that. punching you somewhere on your body instead of your face is also classic. Minimising it in his mind that it's not that bad, but also any bruise that might appear won't be noticed by anyone.

You must feel very strange today :( be kind to yourself, have a relaxing time with your little boy (you sound lovely by the way) and start making some plans about how you want to handle this moving forward.

Glad to see you have checked in cool what a horrible thing to have happened, and i am sorry that some of the other posters have sat in judgment. Goodluck with you decision making today, nice day for conker picking, i have to admit we still have huge spiders in our house despite all the conquers so i guess its one of those weird folklore things, or maybe it works for some spiders but definitely not the woodlouse spider which is huge...oh yes and bites!

Conkers not conquers flipping auto correct!

OP the fact that your dh has not apologised or in any way tried to to make amends with you doesn't sound good.

You say that you grew up with violence and now your own children are suffering in the same way. It's time to start taking steps to change that for them, if not for you.

You also say that you've been told your threshold is too high. I take this to mean that you are not always sure when a line has been crossed? But you do know that punching you is definitely over that line which is why you now feel compelled to do something about it.

Reading between the lines, it sounds like you have put up with quite a lot already in this relationship but never thought it enough to justify breaking up the family. In your mind, you always had the thought that he had never hit you, so it was ok to stay with him.

To you, physically punching you would be the last straw, the final boundary. Now he has done that, you have no way to justify it and stay with him. You know that you have to separate or it will get worse. It will be worse for you and worse for your children to witness.

Please call 101 and report the attack. You do not have to take it further at this stage but it should be logged and police should be aware that you are at risk. Speak to womens aid. You can take it slowly, gather information and support around you, but you must start to take steps towards healing yourself and keeping your children safe.

It's also worth bearing in mind that if children speak to adults at school about witnessing violence, other agencies will become involved anyway and if you have already taken some steps to try and protect them, you will be viewed favourably.

Morning all. Thanks to all who posted support overnight

OP - hope you are OK this morning, sounds like a very difficult time.

Just wanted to remind everyone of our supportive ethos.

To quote
[quote ChippingInLatteLover]

Could people please ask themselves, before posting, if what they are about to post is going to help the OP or just carry the argument with other posters on. If it's not helping the OP, maybe think carefully if you really want to say it here, on this thread, right now. [/quote]

Whatever happened, and it sounds like tempers and frustration flared on both sides, for me the thing I could not get past would be if DH hit me in anger.

I just could not ever put that aside. Punching your partner is about wanting to hurt them. It is about control and humiliation and complete disrespect and no love at all- even done in a moment of anger. You could only punch the person you 'love' if you have those feelings/ attitudes inside you that I have listed.

That is why, whatever else I had to take into consideration, I could not stay with him, under any circumstances.

Well said Ellen

OP. Really hope the ridiculously exaggerated interpretations of your words on this thread haven't made such a hideous situation too much worse.

You deserve to feel safe and supported by your partner, whether or not he is entirely happy with your actions what he did was totally beyond disgraceful. He should be absolutely grovelling, not that it would help. Ask yourself what this means he thinks of you, how he sees you.

Only you can know whether you could come back from this, if you wanted to. Really hope you have RL support from people who know you and who won't make disgusting judgements like you were receiving last night.

It's staggering how people can be all puffed up, claim to be helping aren't we brilliant on mumsnet - and at the same time jump all over the words of the Op.

Excellent words Chipping. Thank you Ellen

I'm thinking of you today.

Please make sure you don't gloss over anything that happened last night.

As I said earlier, this is the first of what is likely to be other hits. You must know, if you have experience of DV.

The plans for today sound like normality. Have you set aside any time to ring WA for advice?
Better even, the police DV unit?

Next time, you will be afraid of what you will say and do around your OH. Is that how you want to live? Is that how you want your children to live?

If you do nothing, you'll passing on the message or normality to your children. They will consider that you will have accepted it. They won't thank you for that. They will be afraid for you and of their father.

Keep in mind that nobody thinks you are a drunken abuser. But there are certainly things that you should be more careful about in future and not excuse yourself about them. We all make mistakes, the important thing is not to minimise them and to do our utmost best not to repeat them. That may have been why some pps (me as well) have picked you up on it as well as on the DV. Because it sounded like you were minimising some of your actions of last night.

Having said that, what I just wrote is particularly true of your OH, and how he has responded since then. He hasn't apologised, he hasn't addressed it, he blamed you (IIRC). That is all you need to know. Based on this, I'd think the future for the relationship looks very bleak and I do predict more DV in the future if you don't get out now.

I know fully well how hard it is, and how much we need to process things.
That is why I have advised and still do, that you forget your emotions here. How sorry you may feel for your OH, or how afraid you may be about the consequences of reporting him.

What does your head tell you that you should do?

What would you advise a friend in the same situation? Do that. No matter how hard it is.

Coolbeans, I've just read through the thread.

Just wanted to say that I'm thinking of you, what an awful experience you're going through.

I hope you can bring yourself to at least contact women's aid today- I think it would be good for you to talk it through with someone who has some empathy and experience.

coolbeans have just caught up with your thread and am astonished at the ridiculous accusations and misreading that has been going on. I'm glad that you realised you didn't need to post a massive explanation. It's pretty clear that your DC are fine.

Please do take photos of your injury and have it examined if possible
Please do ring women's aid
Please don't minimise - your husband is ignoring you and had not apologised or shown any remorse for physical violence towards you
This is NOT acceptable

CoolBeans - thanks for posting.

Take a photo of your hip, as a record, for you, or in case you need it in the future. You don't HAVE to do anything with it, but having a picture is a better position to be in than not having one.

Is there a RL friend or relative that you can talk to?

You do sound together and clear and strong.

How is your DP normally about teamwork in looking after the kids? Does he often criticise and undermine you, routinely or in moments of crisis? Is your toddler regularly having tantrums (as they do) and how are yours and your DP's stress levels generally?

How do you and your DP normally pick up after an argument? Does he ever apologise? It's good that you are doing activities with the children, but how can he just go out knowing you have a injury?

I'm not quizzing you, and not expecting you to answer on the thread, just musing on questions you can consider.

So shocking to have him attack you like that. I would feel shell shocked for a while, I think, and 'rabbit in headlights'.

Thanks for letting us know you're safe at the moment Coolbeans. I know you probably want this just never to have happened. All the sensible advice is here, so I won't repeat it.

you only have one life - even if this never happened again, do you really want to spend it walking on egg shells, looking over your shoulder, afraid to speak up, argue your case, speak your mind in case it does?

Coolbeans thinking of you today. thanks

oopse

Coolbeans

How has the rest of the day been? If there is any bruising it would be good to take some photos of it, just in case you need them later on.

He hasn't apologised - it's not a good sign is it.

It's all so much to get your head around, there's no immediate danger so take your time to come to terms with it, but try not to let it all get swept under the mat. You know better that most that it's rarely 'the only time' and nearly always 'the first time'.

xx

Bloody hell, what a really horrible thread. Anyone who's read this would have to have balls of steel to now consider coming here for support if they experienced DV.

So sorry OP. Thinking of you