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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

So my DP hit me tonight ...

312 replies

coolbeans · 18/10/2014 20:54

... And ain't that a kick in the head. Or the hip, which is where he punched me.

Sorry; gallows humour.

I do not even know why I am posting. It is the shock I think.

Our youngest was having a toddler meltdown and DP was busy complaining about how I was handling it. In a temper, I said: "You know so much, you should take him!", and thrust said child at him. He didn't catch him and ds fell. My partner punched me. Really hard. And then snarled at me that I should stay away or it would get worse.

we have been together 15 yrs.

I had an horrible childhood. It was all gymkhanas and public school on the outside and beatings and abuse behind closed doors. I had years of counselling and my therapist said one of my problems was that my thresholds were too high.

But being hit. that is one of my lines. I had years of it. I am not going there again. I have worked in DV. I know the script. If I don't walk away now, the likelihood is that it will happen again.

He hurt me. It fucking hurts. I don't understand how ths is my life. He is acting as though it is all of my own doing. Not a word of apology. The fucker.

Sorry for typos and incoherence - too much wine has been drunk to numb how unutterably awful this is,

OP posts:
OpiesOldLady · 18/10/2014 21:19

I agree with NL. It's all well and good for posters to cry LTB, but we aren't in her life, there are things that need to be done and OP has just had a huge shock. She needs time to process what has happened, and what she wants to do about it.

OP - I hope you are as ok as you can be. Much love.

theonlygothinthevillage · 18/10/2014 21:20

This is awful OP. Please call the police, as others have suggested. Don't wait until you've got your head together - contact the police and register your concerns and the situation while the 'evidence' (i.e. your bruises and your memories) is still fresh. This will give you options later, and will also show your 'D'P that this is not something that he can brush under the carpet.

justkeeponsmiling · 18/10/2014 21:20

Please please can everyone stop implying it's the OPs fault for "thrusting" DC into DPs arms!
Yes, if my DH purposefully hurty DCs I wouldn't be held accountable for my actions. purposefully ! Not in a "oh god I'm so stressed, here you have him/her...
Op poor you. That's awful. I'm so sorry to hear your story. My thoughts are with you. No idea where I'd go from here Thanks

theonlygothinthevillage · 18/10/2014 21:21

Oh, and contacting the police now doesn't mean you have to press charges later, if you decide you don't want to do that. But, please, strike while the iron is hot.

northernlurker · 18/10/2014 21:23

Please can people bear in mind that the harder the line you take here and now - with the 'call the police' etc, the harder you make it for the OP or anybody in her situation to keep talking here if they decide not to do that. This is an incredibly tough situation for the OP. She is doubtless in shock and it will take her time to decide what she needs to do now.

OP - how is your hip now? Have you put some frozen peas or something like that on it?

theonlygothinthevillage · 18/10/2014 21:28

northern I understand why you would say that: there are some people on MN who give advice and then get a bit nasty if the OP doesn't follow it. For the record I'm not one of them - I just think it would be good to act now rather than wait to process her thoughts. But I also understand that that option might not be appealing ...

FlossyMoo · 18/10/2014 21:28

OP if you are your child are not in immediate danger then stay where you are. You need time to process what has happened and in some circumstances acting now and thinking later is no help at all.

You know in yourself that this has to be dealt with an is not something you can brush under the carpet.

Please take care Flowers

Original poster
coolbeans · 18/10/2014 21:28

Thanks - I am just going to do some thinking now. I am safe as are my children. I appreciate the concern and advice and will take it all into account.

OP posts:
heebiegeebie · 18/10/2014 21:28

So if he only punches her once every 15 years then that's ok? FFS northernlurker, I thought better than you.

He's assaulted her, he's crossed a line, he's a criminal, how can she ever trust him again?

heebiegeebie · 18/10/2014 21:31

better than that of you

slithytove · 18/10/2014 21:31

I would be sorely tempted to punch DH if he "thrust" DS at me in anger causing me to fall.

That does not justify it of course.

I wouldn't assume he is an abuser and leave off the back of this though. Can you talk first? Has he had a drink?

PacificDogwood · 18/10/2014 21:34

If you do nothing else, please report this assault.
Have it put on record.

You say you've worked in DV - you know these things tend to escalate, yes?

Please be safe. For your and your DCs' sake.
Thanks

PacificDogwood · 18/10/2014 21:35

slithy, the child fell.
You do what you see fit in your own life - on this thread that advice is dangerous.

DrankSangriaInThePark · 18/10/2014 21:36

He has assaulted her.
He has crossed a line.
And of course it's not all right if he only punches her every 15 years.

She knows that. She's processing it. She's thinking about where it leaves her now. She's safe now. She's talking to us.

Do MNers really think that people can go from a 15 yr relationship with the father of their child to walking out of the door with, what? A bag in one hand and a baby in the other? All while the Saturday night X Factor live show is airing? Really? Really?

Is that what we'd all do? Or would we have a drink and turn to our online community to try and help us calm down and work out what the hell has just happened?

lornemalvo · 18/10/2014 21:37

What do you mean by he didn't catch him? Did you throw him?
It would not excuse the punching at all but if you did throw him at your do in anger then you are both being violent and you need to make changes for the wellbeing of your DS.

northernlurker · 18/10/2014 21:40

Of COURSE it's not OK. Where have I said it's ok? Angry
She just doesn't need to be railroaded in to anything and that's what you run the risk of doing.

rootypig · 18/10/2014 21:41

Agree completely, northern.

OP how has your relationship been otherwise? you imply that it has been good in the past?

What is going on in both of your lives at the moment? how are you both experiencing parenting?

It is not ok that he hit you. It is an assault and you are entitled to report it to the police. It is also (from personal experience) not necessarily true that he will do it again. Though it is (also from personal experience) a clear indicator that your relationship is in huge distress and you need to get outside help at the vey minimum.

heebiegeebie · 18/10/2014 21:42

"Do MNers really think that people can go from a 15 yr relationship with the father of their child to walking out of the door with, what? A bag in one hand and a baby in the other? All while the Saturday night X Factor live show is airing? Really? Really? "

Stop being ridiculous, no one is suggesting that. What they are saying is this: that the OP needs to make sure that her and her DC are safe tonight.

And that it is NEVER acceptable to punch someone. It's frightening that some posters are trying to minimise this - he hit her and warned her it would get worse if she didn't stay away FFS.

slithytove · 18/10/2014 21:42

I haven't given advice.. Sorry. Just floated the idea that she doesn't have to leave. Of course she can and many, many people will suggest that.

lougle · 18/10/2014 21:43

It sounds like a very out of control situation. How old is your DS? You say DH didn't catch your DS, so are you saying that you let go of him in mid air??

Is this something that you've seen coming for some time, or was his behaviour completely out of the blue?

PrettyPictures92 · 18/10/2014 21:43

Flowers coolbeans Whatever happens and whatever you decide to do, we're all here for you. Take tonight to calm down and process what's happened. Take tomorrow to decide what you want to do. If there's a bruise or marks take pictures just so that you've evidence at a later stage if you're unwilling to contact the police just now. Hope you're ok x

ThreeQuartersEmpty · 18/10/2014 21:43

"He didn't catch him, and DS fell. "

Explain this bit.

That has a big bearing on matters.

slithytove · 18/10/2014 21:43

And sorry I did mean to type "causing him to fall", that was an autocorrect or fat fingers or something

slithytove · 18/10/2014 21:45

I do agree I would like to know how DS fell. Did you throw him? Was it reasonable to expect DH to catch him or was it sudden?

Would of course like to add the disclaimer that even if you were out of order with DS, that does not justify DH hitting you, of course not.

northernlurker · 18/10/2014 21:46

The OP doesn't need to EXPLAIN anything. The function of this thread is not to analyse what's happened in her house tonight. That's way beyond the scope of this forum. It's a bit of head space for her. That's all.