How can you not know someone is capable of that?

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Three weeks ago my DH of 24 years dropped the bombshell that he had been seeing someone else and couldn't give them up to try and save our marriage. We had always had a happy strong marriage with no problems ever! Until about 2 months before when I suddenly realised he was behaving differently towards me, no longer texting me from work like he always had or telling me he loved me. I was/am absolutely devastated. We have 3 DC (21,19 and 15), we were a strong family unit, we never really argued and all of our friends /family are as shocked as I am at what's happened. It turns out he's fallen in love with someone from work (who had also left her husband for him a few weeks before) and he left that day to go to her. I can't get my head around how someone I thought I knew could behave like this. He has never ever shown signs of being unhappily married and has at times been quite disdainful of men who 'look elsewhere' instead of working at their marriage. I am a complete mess, I can't stop crying and I can't even begin to imagine my life without him. We were just reaching the point in our lives when we were going to start doing things for us again, having devoted our lives to our family. I can't understand what I did wrong for him to look elsewhere. I am truly heart broken, I can't sleep, eat or function in any sort of way. I just sit in my pj's all day crying. I am so confused as to how the man I thought I knew could do this to us. And I have such terrible feelings of hate towards the OW. How can a woman do this to someone else and their family? It's ok for her , her children are grown up, left home with lives of their own. Our kids still needed him. I have never hated anyone in my life before and it's such a destructive emotion. Everyone says time will heal and I will get over it, but atm I can't ever imagine that. I'm not sure what I am looking for with this post except maybe some answers and some support....
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Oh you poor thing. What a horrible thing to have happened. No advice but couldn't read and not post.

I'm sorry you've had such a horrible shock. It's not fair but it's not your fault either. The OW plays a part in these things, of course, but it's him you're married to. He's the one that has decided to quit on the family and reject you, not her. She's easy to hate because she's a stranger. You don't hate him yet because you can't switch off loving feelings overnight. But it will come. You will also find you can live with the betrayal one day... but not yet and not for a long time.

All you can do for now is look after yourself and your interests. Do you have people you can be with? RL friends or family? You need people to make sure you eat, sleep, get dressed in the morning. Also you need to keep things going in a practical sense... bills being paid and that kind of thing.

I feel very very sorry for you. Your misery over this is tangible.
It's not right, and it's not fair. You have been dealt a barrel of shit and you don't deserve it. I'm so sorry.

Time is the great healer btw. It's tough to hear and even tougher to imagine...but eventually this will hurt less than it does today.

It is quite natural for you to feel hatred for the OW...perfectly understandable. She did not do this to you though...your husband did.

This terrible event is brand new at three weeks so it is very raw. Where are your kids in amongst all this?

No helpful thoughts other than i can promise you it gets better.

What a shock you've had. It's not wonder you feel devastated.

You need to focus on taking care of yourself now.

That means giving yourself the support and comforts you need in order to function: a good friend to unload to, counselling if you want it, regular healthy meals even if it's the last thing you're thinking about, exercise or other distracting activities, ideally outside the home and with other people so that you don't sink into your own sadness and thoughts. Time will heal, but take care of your body and your soul in the meantime.

It also means you need to start putting up firm boundaries with your H. He does not get to offload his emotions onto you. He and his stuff move out of your home. You see a solicitor pronto if you haven't already to get educated on your legal and financial rights now, and enforce them. You are vulnerable at this time while your emotions are washing all over you: make sure you have solid, practical legal protection in place before he takes any more advantage of you than he already has.

I'm very very sorry, what a dreadful thing to have happened. Have you got some support?

The cliches about time healing may come thick and fast, but that is because they really are true. It's one day at a time for you at the moment, gritting your teeth to just get through the next hour, but it will become easier.

Don't forget to eat, little and often, you must try and look after yourself for you and your dc.

Oh no, this is awful. You're not alone though, this has happened to so many women on here (and many I know in rl too). I think the best you can do is cope with each day as it unfolds, but there is a general 'script' for these affairs.

In time, the cheaters often come crawling back. By then of course you will also have moved on and will be able to choose what you decide to do.

Definitely tell people. Don't keep his secrets for him. You need support.

Xx

I agree it's easier to hate her because I can't hate him. I still love him and I miss him desperately. But I still can't understand how he could fall in love with someone capable of destroying another woman's family/life. How can she be nice? I do have friends and family around but they all go home to their own lives and at the end of the day when they're gone and the kids have gone to bed there's just me left alone.

I'm so sorry. This exact same thing has happened to my dad this year. If it's any consolation at all, he is learning to live with it. I hope you have people who can support you through this

I'm so sorry you are having to go through this.
Firstly I will say that, time is a great healer. You WILL get through this and you WILL come out stronger.
It certainly won't feel like it now or even in a months time.
It will take time.
Cry as much as you need to.
I know the tears can be endless. They never dry up to start with.

Do you work? Please think about safeguarding yourself and your children.

Get RL support around as much and as often as you can. They will help get you through this awful time.

Please keep yourself hydrated and your sugar levels up.
For me it was sugary tea, ice lollies and soup. I couldn't keep much down and certainly not solids. A lot of people find milkshakes or smoothies help.

It is quite unbelievable that the man who we loved and thought loved us and would never do anything to hurt us, can turn into someone totally different overnight.

You are currently in shock so you need to look after yourself.

Please believe us all when we tell you that things will get better.
for you.

But I still can't understand how he could fall in love with someone capable of destroying another woman's family/life. How can she be nice?

But he has done the same! By your logic, how can he be nice, shafting her husband like that? Why would she be in love with him?

The recovery process will start when you get angry with the person who betrayed you, instead of who he betrayed you for. xx

"But I still can't understand how he could fall in love with someone capable of destroying another woman's family/life. How can she be nice?"

You could say the same about her, of course. How could she want to be with someone prepared cheat, lie and ultimately cause enormous pain to their own family? She may not be nice but, by the same benchmark, neither is he. Whatever feelings you have for him... that's the sad reality.

X-post

It is okay to hate OW, OP. We are all responsible for the foreseeable consequences of our actions, and she chose to build her happiness on the back of your misery.

They both did this to you. Don't beat yourself up for hating her just now, everything is very raw and it is perfectly normal and reasonable to hate her.

You do realise, I hope, that it's very unlikely to be anything you did or failed to do that led to this? I suspect it's more about novelty, and the fact that a spouse of 24 years is (inevitably) associated in his mind with all sorts of mundane stuff that he fancies escaping from. I'm afraid that shows a sad lack of imagination on his part. He's turned into a cliché. He probably will wake up and regret it eventually, although that is of course no help to you right now. Meanwhile, please try to stop blaming yourself. It isn't about you, even though you're the one it will have the biggest impact on. It's monstrously unfair. You will survive it though, and will one day enjoy life again. Honestly.

Oh, I am so sorry! I think you are in a kind of shock, and that is understandable. I think you need to talk to your husband, he can't just leave you like that. He needs to go talk to you about this, the years of marriage does give him emotional responsibility, if you see what I mean. He needs to support you so that you can both get through this - you have kids and it's important that they don't suffer as well.

Do see if you can get support from IRL friends and family. I know that you will be on your own when they go home and kids are in bed, but try not to fixate on loneliness as a negative thing. Try to think of it as a chance to gather your thoughts and enjoy the silence.

Can't really say anything that hasn't already been said

Pictish The children are as devastated and confused as I am. Middle child had just left home the week before to go to uni. I had to drive there the next day to tell her before someone else did. She is angry and disappointed in her strong reliable dad and although he has tried to make contact with her she is so angry that she can't talk to him atm. But she is very focused on uni and I hope won't let this affect her ambitions. I am trying to shield her from too much of what is going on at home. Youngest has been a rather difficult 15 year old anyway and since he went I have had terrible problems with her, and she has directed all her anger at me, (not about him just angry generally) School are aware and have offered her counselling which she won't take atm. She became so difficult that I had to contact him and ask him to intervene as he had stuck his head in the sand and made very little contact with her. We are trying to 'talk' about her and be consistent with her to help her through this. Eldest never sees bad in anyone and just can't understand what has happened to his dad. I would never stop them seeing/contacting them, whatever else he has done, up until now he has been a good father. But I have told him he has to make the effort as the 'adult' or he will lose them.

Time might heal, but it is a long time. Not just a few weeks. On my birthday, 2 months after this happened to me, my mother phoned me up and was surprised that I was "still not over it" ... I gave an honest reaction to that, and since then there have been fewer comments about the healing powers of time...

I have to say that I don't hate the OW at all; she is just some random woman who has absolutely nothing to do with me; she is not important and I do not choose to be connected to her even by thinking about her. I hate what my husband did to me, and the fact that he is totally unapologetic and acting like he's done no wrong. If he didn't like me any more, he could have left me in a kinder way, and chose not to. The sooner I can stop thinking about him the better, though, as he is not worth the mental energy.

Do what you can to support your mental health - i.e. eat healthily, get exercise, go out in the sunlight sometimes, talk to people, however shit you feel, as not doing those things will make you feel even more awful and you don't want it to be worse than necessary. I'm avoiding alcohol as I know that makes me feel worse. I've also been at the GPs a few times and got some medical help for when it is particularly gruesome.

From an earlier thread in August you said DH had suddenly announced he was no longer happy, you irritated him and he thought you'd drifted apart. That followed six months of changed behaviour, when he had become markedly distant. May I quote directly?

He says there's no body else and he doesn't want us to split up but how do we get over this? I can't think straight at the moment, I am so devastated that the last 24 years seem to mean nothing to him. He seems completely oblivious to my tears and how hurt I am, in fact they just seem to make him more irritated!

Fast forward to now and he plainly stitched you up. I am not surprised you feel floored. But now you have to assert yourself and get proper legal advice.

Please don't expend energy detesting OW when your H is the treacherous one. And don't look at this as resulting from something you did wrong. It takes two to keep a relationship going. If he had become dissatisfied he could have flagged up concerns way before looking elsewhere. Unfortunately detaching and demonising is part of the withdrawal sequence.

I know I should agree with what you are all saying about him being just as much to blame and he has said this himself, but the man I thought I knew and had been married to for so long would never have done this..... It's hard to equate this with the man I am now presented with....From what I can gather 'she' was unhappily married before my husband came on the scene! I think she was just looking for a way out of her life and my stupid husband was weak enough to fall for it! After just 'disappearing' for over a week, he did eventually reply to my texts and agree to meet me, but he won't tell any of us where he is living,I think he is afraid I might go around there and cause a scene, (how little he obviously knows me after all those years! I may hate her with a force that I never knew existed in me but I would NEVER do anything that would affect my kids future! If he stays with her then I know eventually their future will have to include her! Me smashing her in the face or smashing her windows will not help!)

I'm so sorry you're going thru this OP. I know the feeling of shell-shock myself as I was in your position 7 years ago. The resentment of the OW has eased a bit but their behaviour and their selfishness and total disregard for my and my DC's feelings leaves me cold. Same situation, woman at work, they're now married and have 3DC. Sadly, it's caused a huge rift in the family and that's hit my DC too.

Find good friends to talk to, the support they can offer is invaluable and you'll need it in the months ahead. Get a good solicitor and make sure you get all that you're entitled to for yourself and your DC.

Just take it a day at a time, there will be awful days where you can't face anyone, but gradually you'll find yourself able to get up and out. It's difficult to imagine at this point, but you'll find you can do things on your own you never thought possible.

Donkeys - You're right I did post in August, which was the first inkling I had there was a problem, but at that point he led me to believe it was just one of those things that marriages go through and we could work things out, I knew I was menopausal and perhaps not the easiest of people to live with at that time. I can't forgive him for that as he made me feel back then that it was my fault and that's why I now feel I must be responsible. Of course I now know that he was already seeing her and it's all rubbish but I can't get that out of my head. In my saner moments I know the blame doesn't lie with me, but I am really heartbroken that we couldn't get through this. How do you stop loving someone and start to see them clearer.

I had about 9 months from the "no longer happy"-style discussion - and it would have been longer but I found out about the affair through reading his emails. As a result I know that they were both claiming to have been unhappy for ages. That's apparently the thing you do when you really fancy an affair and have to show that you are the poor victim, not your husband or wife.

During my nine months of hell I fell for his excuses and didn't believe he would really have an affair because I too thought he was a nice person. But he wasn't, he was just a person, and people bugger things up sometimes.

"How do you stop loving someone and start to see them clearer."

In my experience, it starts the moment when you feel furious rather than self-pitying. I can't say there's a general time-scale but, in my case, the fury was triggered by finding out a) he'd been calling his new girlfriend while we were on a big make-up holiday overseas, allegedly trying to make a fresh start and b) (via his credit card bill) that he'd taken her to 'our' favourite restaurant. Minor events but the self-pity vanished and the 'love' just drained out of me like a leaky bucket.