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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How can you not know someone is capable of that?

186 replies

stickydate65 · 17/10/2014 09:25

Three weeks ago my DH of 24 years dropped the bombshell that he had been seeing someone else and couldn't give them up to try and save our marriage. We had always had a happy strong marriage with no problems ever! Until about 2 months before when I suddenly realised he was behaving differently towards me, no longer texting me from work like he always had or telling me he loved me. I was/am absolutely devastated. We have 3 DC (21,19 and 15), we were a strong family unit, we never really argued and all of our friends /family are as shocked as I am at what's happened. It turns out he's fallen in love with someone from work (who had also left her husband for him a few weeks before) and he left that day to go to her. I can't get my head around how someone I thought I knew could behave like this. He has never ever shown signs of being unhappily married and has at times been quite disdainful of men who 'look elsewhere' instead of working at their marriage. I am a complete mess, I can't stop crying and I can't even begin to imagine my life without him. We were just reaching the point in our lives when we were going to start doing things for us again, having devoted our lives to our family. I can't understand what I did wrong for him to look elsewhere. I am truly heart broken, I can't sleep, eat or function in any sort of way. I just sit in my pj's all day crying. I am so confused as to how the man I thought I knew could do this to us. And I have such terrible feelings of hate towards the OW. How can a woman do this to someone else and their family? It's ok for her , her children are grown up, left home with lives of their own. Our kids still needed him. I have never hated anyone in my life before and it's such a destructive emotion. Everyone says time will heal and I will get over it, but atm I can't ever imagine that. I'm not sure what I am looking for with this post except maybe some answers and some support....
.

OP posts:
Quitelikely · 17/10/2014 20:22

I wonder if she got caught too and sort of forced him into making a quick choice.

The thing is, now he will have to live with the consequences of his actions. They do not know the reality of each other and I'm sure the lust will wear off as reality dawns.

Your dh will have to take what comes with his children as they show him their anger and pain. All this will play out in the coming months.

The best thing you can do IMHO is to hold your head high, appear happy and sprightly when you see him. Do not let him see your pain, as it will go unnoticed but I guarantee if you're all happy etc he will think twice.

The only other useful thing is that obviously time is the key to you feeling better. Not much help at the minute I know.

todayiamfat · 17/10/2014 20:34

I blame OW more than i should too. I feel like she completely played him. I know her btw. She completely threw herself at him. I've read msgs between them. I will never forgive her part in this. She knew the absolute hell we were going through as a family. She went out with me for playdates with our dc and she listened to me about how awful the past year had been with a sick baby, bereaved dh (he lost his dm ladt year) with zero support. I hate her.

But yes. The images and fantasies of pulling her down a flight of stairs by her stupid bloody ponytail are kept for my eyes only.

You need tontry and direct your anger at him. I've gotten better at it. Especially when i keep finding out details or when the baby is up all night teething. Or when my 4 year old is in tears because she wants her dad.
He chose this. This is his doing. He made that decision.

Is he seeing the kids regularly? Or does her feel they are too old for visits Hmm?

Primadonnagirl · 17/10/2014 20:39

Fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking bastard!!
But of course you can't just switch off years off love and building a family and that's what hurts the most. All I can say is, I know..I've been there...but here I am at the other side, so you can get through it.
But he's still a fucking bastard.

Original poster
stickydate65 · 17/10/2014 21:13

Thankfully I don't know her! I think that really would be the ultimate betrayal!
Since he went 3 weeks ago, he has seen our son (21) twice after meeting him from work and DD2 (15) a few times after giving her lifts and when I had to ask him to come speak to her because she was being so awful! He hasn't seen DD1as she is away at uni. she has been home for one weekend since he went but she didn't want to see him. He texts them all. DD2 daily now but has only texted the other two once a week! My poor son confessed tonight he misses his dad and that it's not the same here without him! I have told H that I would never turn his kids against him and I wouldn't but I did tell him he has to be the adult in this situation and keep contacting/texting them even if they don't reply! I really feel for the kids, it's a harsh life lesson isn't it?

OP posts:
kaykayblue · 17/10/2014 21:25

Sorry for the slight disgression OP, but I always find it amazing that children can continue to speak to their fathers after things like this happened.

Original poster
stickydate65 · 17/10/2014 21:40

kaykay they are extremely disappointed with him and I don't think they will ever completely forgive him for behaving as my dd1 described a complete knob! but he is their father and has always until now been a very good father. It is his loss that he has lost their respect and is no longer part of their daily lives. I think when the novelty of life with the OW and her 'grown up independent, not living with her' family wears off he will miss the hustle and bustle of family life! But at the end of the day it's me he fell out of love with not them!

OP posts:
PoppyField · 17/10/2014 22:14

Hi OP, so sorry this is happening to you and here's hoping that your anger finds the right target.

Just to respond briefly to kaykay - I have been the twenty-something daughter of parents who split up after 30 years of marriage and I felt huge pressure that I should censure my father or not talk to him. I found it extremely difficult and, without understanding the situation, sided with my mum and took on all her hurt. This had very damaging side-effects for me which impacted on my relationships with men subsequently. The thing is, it's Mum and Dad that have the relationship. You can't divorce your Dad - he's always going to be your Dad and the only one you've got. There has to be a way for older children to relate to parents separately. I'm sure my dad's double life and terrible hurt inflicted on my mum would have hurt me anyway, but taking on her fight, as I felt morally impelled to do, was just not the right responsibility to allow a child of any age to take on. Hope this is comprehensible. I love my Dad. I love my Mum. These are different relationships to the one that has been shattered. I still needed a healthy Father-Daughter relationship and it was extremely difficult to achieve that with my Mother implicitly demanding I was always on her side.

Sorry, that wasn't all that brief. Didn't mean to hijack.

Good luck OP. He has been a shit. Just be careful about needing your children to say that too. Get other RL people to rage all the dark stuff with you.

Original poster
stickydate65 · 17/10/2014 22:59

poppyfield you are of course so right. I am very careful what I say to the children... I encourage them to text him/see him but they can't fail to notice how upset I am. They feel hurt on my behalf and they miss their dad! Of course they are going to feel let down by him! But as much as I encourage contact the effort needs to come from him! It's no good him feeling sorry for himself if they don't text him back! If he keeps trying they will eventually respond. My biggest struggle is being able to cope with them eventually seeing 'her' I am not ready for that yet!

OP posts:
Original poster
stickydate65 · 17/10/2014 22:59

poppyfield you are of course so right. I am very careful what I say to the children... I encourage them to text him/see him but they can't fail to notice how upset I am. They feel hurt on my behalf and they miss their dad! Of course they are going to feel let down by him! But as much as I encourage contact the effort needs to come from him! It's no good him feeling sorry for himself if they don't text him back! If he keeps trying they will eventually respond. My biggest struggle is being able to cope with them eventually seeing 'her' I am not ready for that yet!

OP posts:
Original poster
stickydate65 · 17/10/2014 22:59

poppyfield you are of course so right. I am very careful what I say to the children... I encourage them to text him/see him but they can't fail to notice how upset I am. They feel hurt on my behalf and they miss their dad! Of course they are going to feel let down by him! But as much as I encourage contact the effort needs to come from him! It's no good him feeling sorry for himself if they don't text him back! If he keeps trying they will eventually respond. My biggest struggle is being able to cope with them eventually seeing 'her' I am not ready for that yet!

OP posts:
Original poster
stickydate65 · 17/10/2014 22:59

poppyfield you are of course so right. I am very careful what I say to the children... I encourage them to text him/see him but they can't fail to notice how upset I am. They feel hurt on my behalf and they miss their dad! Of course they are going to feel let down by him! But as much as I encourage contact the effort needs to come from him! It's no good him feeling sorry for himself if they don't text him back! If he keeps trying they will eventually respond. My biggest struggle is being able to cope with them eventually seeing 'her' I am not ready for that yet!

OP posts:
Original poster
stickydate65 · 17/10/2014 22:59

poppyfield you are of course so right. I am very careful what I say to the children... I encourage them to text him/see him but they can't fail to notice how upset I am. They feel hurt on my behalf and they miss their dad! Of course they are going to feel let down by him! But as much as I encourage contact the effort needs to come from him! It's no good him feeling sorry for himself if they don't text him back! If he keeps trying they will eventually respond. My biggest struggle is being able to cope with them eventually seeing 'her' I am not ready for that yet!

OP posts:
Original poster
stickydate65 · 17/10/2014 22:59

poppyfield you are of course so right. I am very careful what I say to the children... I encourage them to text him/see him but they can't fail to notice how upset I am. They feel hurt on my behalf and they miss their dad! Of course they are going to feel let down by him! But as much as I encourage contact the effort needs to come from him! It's no good him feeling sorry for himself if they don't text him back! If he keeps trying they will eventually respond. My biggest struggle is being able to cope with them eventually seeing 'her' I am not ready for that yet!

OP posts:
Original poster
stickydate65 · 17/10/2014 22:59

poppyfield you are of course so right. I am very careful what I say to the children... I encourage them to text him/see him but they can't fail to notice how upset I am. They feel hurt on my behalf and they miss their dad! Of course they are going to feel let down by him! But as much as I encourage contact the effort needs to come from him! It's no good him feeling sorry for himself if they don't text him back! If he keeps trying they will eventually respond. My biggest struggle is being able to cope with them eventually seeing 'her' I am not ready for that yet!

OP posts:
Original poster
stickydate65 · 17/10/2014 22:59

poppyfield you are of course so right. I am very careful what I say to the children... I encourage them to text him/see him but they can't fail to notice how upset I am. They feel hurt on my behalf and they miss their dad! Of course they are going to feel let down by him! But as much as I encourage contact the effort needs to come from him! It's no good him feeling sorry for himself if they don't text him back! If he keeps trying they will eventually respond. My biggest struggle is being able to cope with them eventually seeing 'her' I am not ready for that yet!

OP posts:
Original poster
stickydate65 · 17/10/2014 22:59

poppyfield you are of course so right. I am very careful what I say to the children... I encourage them to text him/see him but they can't fail to notice how upset I am. They feel hurt on my behalf and they miss their dad! Of course they are going to feel let down by him! But as much as I encourage contact the effort needs to come from him! It's no good him feeling sorry for himself if they don't text him back! If he keeps trying they will eventually respond. My biggest struggle is being able to cope with them eventually seeing 'her' I am not ready for that yet!

OP posts:
Original poster
stickydate65 · 17/10/2014 23:00

Sorry! stupid slow internet!

OP posts:
WhatsGoingOnEh · 17/10/2014 23:53

I'm so sorry. I can't believe how awful you must be feeling right now.

Here's what you do. You channel ALL your emotions - confusion, misery, bafflement, love, rage, fear, everything - into sorting this situation out on the best terms for you. That means:

  1. Absolutely NO contact with him at all. Not even about the kids. They are old enough to talk to him themselves. If needs be, buy them all cheap Tesco £9 mobiles with his number in and leave them to it. He does NOT EVER get to hear your voice, see your face or get to know how you are from this moment forwards. TOTAL no contact. Yes it's possible. If you say "it's not possible" then you are just looking for an excuse to stay in touch.

  2. You see a solicitor ASAP and find out where you stand about money, the house, everything. You must look to your future and (hideously) assume he's not in it. So plan accordingly. All money discussions go through solicitors, not face to face or over the phone.

  3. Grab a bin liner and go through the house systematically removing all traces of him. It'll feel shocking and unreal but start doing it. If you can't bear to throw particular things out, put them in the loft. But get all his clothes, knick knacks, personal crap (razors etc) and dump them in a bin liner and put them out in the garden.

  4. Change the locks on the house. Put all the financial papers in a lockable folder. Take half the money out of the joint account and keep it somewhere else. Ditto savings.

  5. Remove your wedding ring. :( Put make-up on every day even if it's just moisturiser. Go to the hairdressers even if you just cry through the appointment. Have a bath. Take vitamins. Put yourself first. Your 15 y/o will unconsciously be watching you get through this. Pretend you're an actress in a film and get through every day that way.

  6. Promise yourself that you will NEVER ask him to come back again. Ever. You are worth more than that. And the only way he will realise what he's done is to be made to feel the TOTAL AND COMPLETE LOSS of you from his life. You are GONE. You are vanished off the face of the earth, so fast it makes his head spin.

Thank god you're a woman. You're a mother and a woman and you WILL survive this.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 17/10/2014 23:56

And fuck helping him fister a relationship with his children through this! Again, make him FEEL what he has done. Make him FEEL the loss of his kids. Don't alienate them, but don't help him through this. HE DID THIS. He MUST be made to realise what a fucking twat he has been, how much he has lost, how alone he is now. You just VANISH from his sight and leave him to get on with it.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 17/10/2014 23:59

When they ask you about things, say you are coping then talk about something else. If they mention him, say "I'm sorry but I can't talk about him right now." Even if you're dying to know how/where he is.

If you've been together 23 years, you will be like a right arm to him too. But he won't feel what he's done until he looks around and realises that arm has completely disappeared. Everything that arm used to do for him no longer gets done.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 18/10/2014 09:08

I did tell him he has to be the adult in this situation and keep contacting/texting them even if they don't reply! I really feel for the kids, it's a harsh life lesson isn't it?

That's where he has to keep all his plates spinning in the air at once. That's how complicated life gets when someone opts not to come clean but gives himself
permission to abuse his wife's trust and carry on an affair. Well, it's done now. He's made his bed.

Change2013 · 18/10/2014 09:20

Having been through this myself three years ago and got through it, I agree with everything WhatsGoingOnEh said!

Hugs to you Stickydate65, I hope you also have real life friends to support you.

ps I'm now happier than I ever remember being when I was married - but took about 2 and a half years. I was with ex twenty three years.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 18/10/2014 09:23

My advice fwiw is to get out of the house every day, change your routine and fill your life with new things.

Work on your life, do things he didn't show interest in and eventually you will start to heal.

Original poster
stickydate65 · 18/10/2014 09:37

Your advice is all good advice and just the sort of advice I would have given someone 3 weeks ago! If only it were that simple? I feel so lost and 'bereaved' . Would it be terrible to say it would have been easier if he had died! (apologies to anyone going through that, I don't mean to be insensitive!).
I can't get the image of them together out of my mind. It eats away at me when I can't sleep, the thought of them carrying on with their lives without a care for all the hurt they have left in their wake. I am scared I will never recover, I was such a strong woman before this, but this inner strength seems to have evaporated. I know what I should be doing but it's making that start that's hard! I just long to wake up and not cry before I have even opened my eyes!

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 18/10/2014 10:10

For now, fake it 'til you make it. There is light at the end of the tunnel.You do not want him to think that he has beaten you down so much that you can't live your life without him.