How can you not know someone is capable of that?

[stickydate65]

Three weeks ago my DH of 24 years dropped the bombshell that he had been seeing someone else and couldn't give them up to try and save our marriage. We had always had a happy strong marriage with no problems ever! Until about 2 months before when I suddenly realised he was behaving differently towards me, no longer texting me from work like he always had or telling me he loved me. I was/am absolutely devastated. We have 3 DC (21,19 and 15), we were a strong family unit, we never really argued and all of our friends /family are as shocked as I am at what's happened. It turns out he's fallen in love with someone from work (who had also left her husband for him a few weeks before) and he left that day to go to her. I can't get my head around how someone I thought I knew could behave like this. He has never ever shown signs of being unhappily married and has at times been quite disdainful of men who 'look elsewhere' instead of working at their marriage. I am a complete mess, I can't stop crying and I can't even begin to imagine my life without him. We were just reaching the point in our lives when we were going to start doing things for us again, having devoted our lives to our family. I can't understand what I did wrong for him to look elsewhere. I am truly heart broken, I can't sleep, eat or function in any sort of way. I just sit in my pj's all day crying. I am so confused as to how the man I thought I knew could do this to us. And I have such terrible feelings of hate towards the OW. How can a woman do this to someone else and their family? It's ok for her , her children are grown up, left home with lives of their own. Our kids still needed him. I have never hated anyone in my life before and it's such a destructive emotion. Everyone says time will heal and I will get over it, but atm I can't ever imagine that. I'm not sure what I am looking for with this post except maybe some answers and some support....
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As awful and traumatic as these break ups are... If they had to pay damages, they'd refuse to leave and all of you wonderful women could be stuck with the lying cheating fucktards instead of being allowed the opportunity to blossom without them.

sticky a friend of mine H buggered off with OW, the one thing he forgot to cancel was the insurance. Tragically he died less than a year later, she got the house paid off and a lump sum. Not a nice tale I know but it does make you think!

Now that's karma!

The reason that conduct is no longer taken into account is because anyone can just suddenly decide to divorce. Just like that. Given that I'm being divorced for MY unreasonable behaviour, I'm rather glad the legal system no longer views 'blame' and 'conduct' as affecting the financial arrangements. Instead it focuses on 'needs' to enable both parties to move on.

But years ago, trials and 'fault-finding' did determine financial settlements. They were long and bitterly contested court hearings.

So if blame was taken into account, STBXH would get away with his behaviour.

However, what he is doing now with the finances does get taken into account when you get into the legal side. So let him do his damnedest right now because he'll be forced to do the right thing once it gets into the legal part of the process.

And they really hate that.

Apparently, they aren't masters of the universe. I had no idea...

Hi sticky and all you others out there. I started my own thread this week and am sooo pleased to get the guts to be on this forum coz it's really given me the strength to tell me husband to leave! (In fact he's out atm so I will when he gets home!!!) he's apparently had an emotional affair, no touching...................don't believe him. I found out and he blames me for making him unhappy.
They really can't take responsibility can they....
I too had a husband who had a very respectable career and tutted in digust at unfaithful people. Even had it done to him before I met him 19 years ago. Always trusted him and then found out for 6 months he's been 'talking' to his colleague from work. I have tried so hard, just like you sticky to sort out stuff but I have had enough. It's their fault, not ours, we have always been there and worked hard with the children, home, them and this is our reward...........nice!
You really will get stronger and it is the most well known saying for a reason - time does heal.
Take care of yourself and I will try to too and maybe in six months time we will both post a new thread on here about how much better we feel and our new lives............good luck xxxxxxx remember, it's not your faultxxxx

How are you doing today sticky?
Well done yesterday for parents evening...I couldn't have done that at your stage after my taunt left.
Have a nice bath,eat well,sleep well....or as well as you can.
Take care.

zebraface Hi. Yesterday was just awful! DD rang from School mid morning in tears demanding I pick her up as she couldn't stay in School any longer. It didn't appear to be directly about the split, just a fall out with friends. I said she should stay in School as her attendance is poor anyway and that school is not an optional thing etc etc. There followed a barrage of nasty texts/phonecalls from her about what a terrible mum I was and that she would just walk out of school if I didn't go in for her. I rang the School who said they would try and find out where she was. Two hours later School still hadn't rung back and she was still texting me saying a teacher had let her sit in an office, where she had been for the last 2 hours! because she was crying, she hadn't gone to any lessons and no one had come near here since! At that point I thought I might as well go and fetch and least be able to support her (I had hoped school would have been more proactive in that!) Anyway to get a very long story short, I picked her up , she wouldn't tell me what was wrong but then asked to go out that night. I said no because she hadn't been going to lessons. so she started shouting and swearing at me, terrible words we as a family would never use! I just completely lost it, phoned H at work and demanded he leave work and come help me sort her out! H duly turned up at home, to be fair he stayed calm and sorted things out. We agreed DD and I probably needed some space apart (I am at this point hysterical!) but of course he couldn't take her to his new life! (and if I'm honest I don't really want her seeing OW!) so agreed she could go to her friends for the weekend and he would take responsibility for her, making sure she was ok etc. and bring her back Sun. So now....... She got her own way and went out, I feel like shit and the worst parent ever, He's the 'good guy', but I had no choice but to ask for his help! I think the penny has finally dropped as to what a mess his selfish behaviour has left us all in!

Oh sticky, that sounds horrendous.

Really angry on yours and your dd's behalf with the school. I can't understand or imagine that happening?! At least not where i am. I hope they apologised. I would certainly be speaking/emailing her head of year/house.

Glad your H came round and helped. But v angry he didn't step up to the plate. He should have offered to take her for the weekend. Even if that meant they stay in a hotel or go away. Very angry.

I too have had to ring stbx to help me out with dd1. In fact, i did this morning at 6am after i had spent the night awake with dd1 throwing up all night. Dd1 had just woken and i burst into tears. To be fair he came round and dd1 and i went back to bed.

It isn't tge first time i have rang him. I also did when i had my own medical emergency and at the time felt i had no choice. Everyone else on my list would have arrived too late. But all i kept thinking is 'would he hold this against me if we go to court over the kids' and 'i need to manage on my own'.

It is so hard.
hope you are enjoying a glass of wine. Or even better out with friends. Also hope your dd has calmed down and you both have a better week next week x

today I must admit I was surprised at schools apparent lack of pastoral care! It's half term now and I am not sure I can be bothered to contact school after half term! I think it's important that H realises that he still needs to be her father! But it was very clear he wasn't going to take her with him! His idea of being responsible for her is to text her over the weekend and check she's ok! of course she will say yes and he will believe her even if she is out partying all night! but I have to take that and hope she will be ok! He still wouldn't tell her where he is living so if she did have a problem she couldn't go there anyway!

I'm so sorry you're had such a hard time. The school should have helped out more.

My 11 year old lost her phone a couple of days ago and she just exploded with tears - I think it was a catalyst for everything - I've never seen her like that. She was so nasty to me. But i think it's all the stress that has build up over what stbxh has done.

I think she knows that she can say anything to me (although we still have boundaries) but I will always be here unlike her twat of a father. When the going got tough he f bolted.

Stbxh hasn't even given me his new address so I haven't a clue where he is - somewhere near East Grinstead I think!

I've rang him a few times in the early days when my children got upset but he just said they'd get over it. He would have never come and helped.

whyme To be fair to H he did drop everything and come straight to help me sort things out. He did remain calm even when I started to throw other stuff at him (not in front of DD) and 'stepped up' but so he flaming should! DD has TWO parents and he can't just walk away.

But I did feel afterwards that he hadn't had to make much of a sacrifice to his weekend and he ended up the 'good guy' because DD ended up with what she wanted anyway! He said he would go visit her at her friends morning and evening to make sure she was ok and then text me. He only managed that yesterday evening, today all he has done is text her this morning and evening and 'forgot' to text me this morning after he had heard from her! Why am I always so disappointed when he lets me down again?

I do realise that DD only says stuff to me because she knows I will always love her and not walk away, but I think weeks of trying to have a stiff upper lip in front of the kids just exploded and it all came tumbling out!

Unfortunately they always seem to come out as the good guy because they're not there to see the whole story just make the decision at the end.

I think the other term is a Disney dad. Happy, arriving with gifts, trips etc when mum can't afford much.

I think it takes a long time for the disappointment to fade when they let you down. Unfortunately we are expecting them to treat us in the way we would treat them but they don't care anymore.

You're right about weeks of stiff upper lip - sometimes it just comes out.

After one hurtful argument I even told my daughter to ask daddy if she could live with him if she was so unhappy with me. I felt dreadful and tried to explain that I would be sad if she choose him but would try to understand. I felt like the worst parent alive at that moment.
So far she is still with me.

Plus, he wouldn't want her as it would cramp his style. (ripped jeans, slogan t-shirt, slapper on arm!)