How can you not know someone is capable of that?

[stickydate65]

Three weeks ago my DH of 24 years dropped the bombshell that he had been seeing someone else and couldn't give them up to try and save our marriage. We had always had a happy strong marriage with no problems ever! Until about 2 months before when I suddenly realised he was behaving differently towards me, no longer texting me from work like he always had or telling me he loved me. I was/am absolutely devastated. We have 3 DC (21,19 and 15), we were a strong family unit, we never really argued and all of our friends /family are as shocked as I am at what's happened. It turns out he's fallen in love with someone from work (who had also left her husband for him a few weeks before) and he left that day to go to her. I can't get my head around how someone I thought I knew could behave like this. He has never ever shown signs of being unhappily married and has at times been quite disdainful of men who 'look elsewhere' instead of working at their marriage. I am a complete mess, I can't stop crying and I can't even begin to imagine my life without him. We were just reaching the point in our lives when we were going to start doing things for us again, having devoted our lives to our family. I can't understand what I did wrong for him to look elsewhere. I am truly heart broken, I can't sleep, eat or function in any sort of way. I just sit in my pj's all day crying. I am so confused as to how the man I thought I knew could do this to us. And I have such terrible feelings of hate towards the OW. How can a woman do this to someone else and their family? It's ok for her , her children are grown up, left home with lives of their own. Our kids still needed him. I have never hated anyone in my life before and it's such a destructive emotion. Everyone says time will heal and I will get over it, but atm I can't ever imagine that. I'm not sure what I am looking for with this post except maybe some answers and some support....
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Talking, talking, talking - even imaginary talking in your head - will help you work out exactly what you are so angry about and build up a new story about your life.

Use the anger to get stuff done, and don't be surprised if, when the anger goes, you kind of miss it, as it does keep you busy.

I think she was just looking for a way out of her life and my stupid husband was weak enough to fall for it!

No. He's not a pawn in her grand scheme. She didn't need your h to end her marriage. He hasn't left you because he's weak. He's not some hapless fly caught up in her evil web. He made deliberate and calculating choices and decisions that served himself, to the detriment of his family, all by himself.

OP it is totally understandable for you to have thoughts and feelings that demonise the OW...it makes more sense to you that way, I know. It hurts less to think that she orchestrated the whole sorry affair, and gives you a target for your fury and pain.
But ultimately, your h put some effort into covering up his infidelity, before making his decision to go. He alone is responsible for his choices. She didn't make him do anything.

One day you will come to see this, I am certain. Just let it roll for now. If you need to hate her then do.

I'm sorry you're going through this. As hard as it will bee try to get your finances in order, you can see from other threads on MN what utter twats the men we thought we loved can turn into.

this happened to a friend of mine, he had just retired form the police with a large pension - buggered off with OW out of teh country - no one saw or heard from him for 2 years. she was heart broken but gradually got over it and built a fabulous life for herself. anyway now he's back - penniless and the irony is, he is entitled to claim spousal support from her as teh house was still in joint name!!! Bastard!!!

Stupid and weak he may be but it takes a brass neck to say to your face in August "There's no one else" and walk out weeks later.

Annoyingly if you were to confront her and give her a piece of your mind, it would just reinforce anything he's told her about you. Men don't start affairs by singing their wives' praises. It is better to maintain a cool dignified exterior. Then let go in private.

Two of your DCs are young adults but your youngest is still at home and evidently struggling. I suspect someone in your H's situation is rather like the arrogant driver who boasts of his clean driving licence yet if he only checked his rear view mirror would see the chaos of angry motorists and cyclists he leaves in his wake.

ravenmum It is exactly that , that I am struggling with, if I couldn't see in 24 years that the man I adored was capable of that, how do I get over this? My judgement must be rubbish! But I am struggling to see how a relationship based on deceit and lies and was only 6 months young can over ride 23 1/2 years of happy married life, how can he just walk away? I really don't think he considered the consequences of his actions. He only left because I found out, otherwise I think he would still be here. I don't think he considered the fallout from this would be so vast.

Me smashing her in the face or smashing her windows will not help!

No. And it will get you a criminal conviction. Wholly blaming the OW is not justified here and is a coping mechanism to distract you from the horror of what your DH has done.

Obviously she has played a part but firstly, you don't know what she's been told. He may have told her he was virtually divorced/separated etc etc. For all you know, she may have thought she was getting involved with a single man.

Secondly, sorry if this sounds brutal, but she doesn't owe you any loyalty at all. Your DH is the person with the responsibilities here. Not her. He is the one you should be blaming. If he doesn't care about you and your family after 24 years, why do you expect her to?

& a man who is looking to cheat will cheat. a man who is receptive and looking for a new relationship will find one. If it wasn't her, it would be another woman. I'm not saying she's blameless at all but the primary mover here is your DH.

(FWIW, I've been in an OW situation (with a man who is/was a serial cheater). I did and do still feel guilty and cr*p about it. The whole thing was/is very emotionally destructive for me. Not all people who find themselves in an OW position got there with their eyes open nor indeed are evil, heartless witches).

I'm so sorry you are in this situation. It sounds horrific and after such a long marriage, you are entitled to feel angry and betrayed. Time is the only thing here - and sadly you can't speed it up.

Donkeys. Yes 2 of my children are young adults, but they are just as devastated as the 15 year old. Like I said we were genuinely a strong family unit. They used up until very recently joke that none of their friend's parents were 'in love' like us and we would tell them how lucky they were to have parents who still loved each other after so many years. Eldest still lives at home and is trying to be the 'man of the house' now taking on roles his dad used to do, like putting the bins out etc. Pictish no she didn't need my husband to end her marriage she just needed anyone's husband! I know he is as much to blame but it's oh so much easier to hate her!

"My judgement must be rubbish! "

Not necessarily. Unless you now suspect that he's been having affairs throughout your time together? People do selfish, impulsive, stupid and cruel things all the time. They can act out of character. He sounds like he's had quite a long time to think about this and make various plans. The latest affair may only have been going on for six months but perhaps he's been looking for an exit for a while. Plenty opt not to upset the apple cart but remain with the status quo until they get a better offer.

Regardless, your only obligation now is to yourself and, to a lesser extent, your DCs.

Stickydate, hugs x

Use your anger to get your house and finances in order, then take everything, every single thing of his out of your bedroom and decorate. Plan exactly how YOU want it, don't live with ghosts of how it was.

I can't even begin to think about finances yet! although I know I should.. Together we were financially secure, mortgage has just been paid off (2 days before he left, I'm sure there's another thread to this story there!) Individually it will be a struggle for us both. EVERYTHING is in joint names! He earnt 2/3 of the income that came into the house! I can't afford to run the house on my income alone. We have vaguely talked about this and he says he doesn't want me and the family to suffer financially and he will pay me whatever I need. But realistically I know this isn't the solution. After all he has to live too! Is it possible to sort things out amicably without solicitors or should I get legal advice? I have no idea what if anything I am entitled to? Only one child is dependant and she will be 16 shortly???

Completely agree this will impact on your two older DCs - was thinking about how your H might regard this. I know some marriages break up almost to the day the youngest leaves secondary school as though the individual who's instigated the split thinks right, end of an era, now's the right time.

I agree with Cogito this OW may not have been the catalyst. Your H will probably never admit it but he could have started thinking of exiting some considerable time before. That breakdown of his you mentioned in your previous thread - you said it was work-related. I wonder what went on in his head back then.

Yes, it is possible (and cheaper) to sort out without solicitors but rarely amicably. You should speak to a solicitor even if you dont appoint one to act on your behalf, most give a free 1/2 hour consultation so you can see more than one

Your judgement's not rubbish. You weren't given any indication that this would occur.

Always get legal advice. That way you have some parameters of what is reasonable and where the bare minimums are. Gives you a starting point. Most solicitors would then recommend you undergo mediation to agree the details if you can. It tends to be quicker and a lot, lot cheaper. If he's feeling guilty and generous at the moment, then take advantage to tie him into some regular contributions that are above the bare minimum. Once a precedent is set it's more difficult to back out of.

You should absolutely get legal advice. No question.

Well he has to pay maintenance while kids in full time compulsary education.
So your soon to be 16YO will need supporting until 18.
So look at what you are entitled to on this basis.
You can have a quick check HERE
If you are mortgage free and he pays you around 350 PM, can you afford to stay in the house then?

You can work out finances without a solicitor but it's not easy.
They make soooo many promises at the beginning when they feel guilty, until they realise they are much worse off and start to fight it.
Don't forget about pensions etc....

You will find the anger for him soon. It takes time though.
Your heart is still breaking at the moment.

Donkeys the breakdown was work definitely work related stress, but afterwards he seemed to feel the need to socialise with work colleagues as if he needed their acceptance of him that he was still capable of doing his job and being 'like them'. Stupid me I encouraged him to go out with them thinking it would do him good! That's how he got close to 'her'! I am as sure as I can be that it has only been going on about 6 months and he has never had affairs before! Is it worth getting financial advice from somewhere like CAB? I need to know what is considered reasonable?
I agree cogito that his guilt (of which I think there is plenty now he's seen the effect on me!) and generosity could work to my advantage but I am concerned that an informal arrangement might back fire on me in the future. I don't know what the OW is like but in the future she may well want him contributing more financially and put pressure on him to change arrangements??

Given that he dropped the bombshell on you I don't think consulting a solicitor is upping the ante or being inflammatory.

I'd start by seeing the local CAB. That way by the time you do see a solicitor you have a list of points you wish to ask. It gets you used to explaining the situation to a stranger too. Solicitors know their stuff but time is money and they're not counsellors.

An informal arrangement is unlikely to backfire - what Cog says is spot on - get the best arrangement you can now - if he's in a flat and can afford the rent now and can pay you too, then that precedent can be set and you can work from there. He'll have to pay child support until at least 18, possibly longer if he'll agree to support thru further education if that's on the cards.

Look at wikivorce.com - lots of useful information on there. A solicitor will give more specific information re your circumstances than CAB I think - I'm not sure how qualified they are to advise rather than just refer.

"I am concerned that an informal arrangement might back fire on me in the future"

I'm not a solicitor. However, if you make your informal arrangement as 'formal' as you can now e.g. setting up direct debits or preferably something in writing, then when you go to mediation as part of the divorce process (and I bet me even saying that word cuts like a knife... sorry) then you take these along as evidence that the arrangement has been affordable, regular, mutually agreed and going on for some time.

Lots of solicitors don't charge a bean for the first appointment. My old boss said 'half hour free advice' but in reality it would often tick over into say, an hour. He can't be alone in that so do a bit of ringing around. Knowledge is power, it will give you back some feeling of control, give you a little bit of strength.

Whilst cog and whattodo talk about catching him at a low point for money just remember that your children also need to see him in a stable home in order for them to cope. They ultimately won't care about the details of the divorce but they will care if they see you living in a big house and there dad in a smaller unfamiliar setting. As irritating as this sounds I know from experience. Children will grow up and see for themselves. There is one thing being financially secure there is another taking advantage of a situation. Women who preach about effecting the DC's should also think about this aspect too.

@woahmummaaa... this is not about catching him at a low point or exploiting the situation. The OP has been shat on from a great height and the last thing she - and her DCs - need is the upheaval of financial worries or selling properties etc. This just buys everyone some time until a final divorce settlement, which being realistic may be years away.

Cog I completely understand. That wasn't an attack on your suggestion just a different consideration I wanted to add.

OP you said you can't look far enough ahead to imagine getting over this. Take each day at a time, be kind to yourself, accept that there will be dark days. Try and plan something nice for yourself daily, it needn't cost much if anything.

Do you have rl support? Are both sides of the family aware?

When you feel up to it consider this a time to make new acquaintances. Think how to widen your social circle, go to anything you're invited to, check the paper or the internet for What's On or events you might be interested in. No reason for you to become a hermit while his lordship is reinventing himself.