How can you not know someone is capable of that?

[stickydate65]

Three weeks ago my DH of 24 years dropped the bombshell that he had been seeing someone else and couldn't give them up to try and save our marriage. We had always had a happy strong marriage with no problems ever! Until about 2 months before when I suddenly realised he was behaving differently towards me, no longer texting me from work like he always had or telling me he loved me. I was/am absolutely devastated. We have 3 DC (21,19 and 15), we were a strong family unit, we never really argued and all of our friends /family are as shocked as I am at what's happened. It turns out he's fallen in love with someone from work (who had also left her husband for him a few weeks before) and he left that day to go to her. I can't get my head around how someone I thought I knew could behave like this. He has never ever shown signs of being unhappily married and has at times been quite disdainful of men who 'look elsewhere' instead of working at their marriage. I am a complete mess, I can't stop crying and I can't even begin to imagine my life without him. We were just reaching the point in our lives when we were going to start doing things for us again, having devoted our lives to our family. I can't understand what I did wrong for him to look elsewhere. I am truly heart broken, I can't sleep, eat or function in any sort of way. I just sit in my pj's all day crying. I am so confused as to how the man I thought I knew could do this to us. And I have such terrible feelings of hate towards the OW. How can a woman do this to someone else and their family? It's ok for her , her children are grown up, left home with lives of their own. Our kids still needed him. I have never hated anyone in my life before and it's such a destructive emotion. Everyone says time will heal and I will get over it, but atm I can't ever imagine that. I'm not sure what I am looking for with this post except maybe some answers and some support....
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The media loves that image of the divorced wife taking him for everything he's got, but reading this forum you see a lot of wives just asking for the bare minimum.

Three people require a larger place to live than one person, so in many, if not most cases the dad will move to a small, unfamiliar home. Or the mum; whoever moves out. My husband is now in a small, furnished flat, and the last thing I need is the suggestion that this means I am fleecing him.

Ravenmum - I know exactly what you mean about not wanting people to think I am fleecing him! But the fact remains that he earns more than me because I/we chose many years ago that I would take a lower paid part time job that allowed me to be there for the children (and him) That was a family choice we made and I don't regret that for a minute but it does mean my earning power is considerably less than it would have been had I pursued my career as he did. I am very aware that his OW has no dependants and a well paid job, so as long as he is with her he should be ok. If it all goes wrong as so often happens and he does end up alone, I don't want my kids to think he's living in a crap place because I have taken all his money! The flip side of this is the house I live in is the only home the children have ever known! It is their home as much as mine and they don't want me to sell up and leave atm. This home is their security in this crappy situation and yes they are older/young adults but they are still devastated by this too!
Donkeys I have support of my parents, but they are elderly and so sad at what's happened. H has no family as such. only child whose parents are both dead! Friends are great, but true friends are the ones who have kept contacting me and coming round and not those who appeared when they first heard for the 'gossip' and I have seen sight nor sound since! Situations like this sort true friends out! and of course because we have been together for so long most of our friends are just that, 'our' friends. I never want anyone to feel they have to take sides!

How can a woman do this to someone else and their family

She hasn't done anything to you - your husband did it.

You thought you knew him - but no-one knows another person completely.

Get whatever you can financially, you'll need it.

Stickydate, I was answering woahh's comment that the children "will care if they see you living in a big house and there dad in a smaller unfamiliar setting" and pointing out that it is normal for one person to live in a smaller house than three people, and not a sign of anyone fleecing anyone as she was suggesting.

TheRealJoanWarburton I know he is the one who has done it, but the OW has to take some responsibility. I would/could NEVER assist someone to break up their marriage and leave their children! I would rather live alone than do that to another woman! My only consolation is she will never be able to sleep at night after what she has done and never feel completely secure because if he can do that to us, who were solid before her appearance he could do it again like a shot! I know there are plenty out there who will say he must have been unhappy to look elsewhere but we genuinely weren't until he started going out with work colleagues after his breakdown, and she appeared on the scene!

ravenmum I realise that wasn't aimed at me!

the OW has to take some responsibility
Actually, no she doesn't. You are really hurting now so its not a good time for a philosophical discussion, but the other woman owes you nothing at all and has no responsibility to protect or support your marriage. None whatsoever. She entered into no agreement with you, she has no commitment to you. Being female does not make me responsible for the lives of all other women.
That aside, I hope you can sort out a life that suits you, preferably without him because he'll only mess you about again. But its up to you whether you let him do that or not.
Good luck. I've been there. I know how bad it is.

Being female doesn't make you responsible for the lives of all women but surely being human does! all reasonable human beings have a moral responsibility for each other! That's what makes us unique is our ability to empathise! I maintain that in entering into this relationship, she knew that he was married and therefore had made vows for 'better or worse' to another human being. So I would disagree, I think she and others like her have responsibilities! But as you say I am hurting like hell now and trying to understand how my 'rock' became so weak that he was prepared to crumble our foundations and wreck our dreams! As I have said previously it's easier to hate her because I still love him!

The OW only hears what your H tells her. You don't know how he embellished the truth.

"Oh OW I lead a dog's life, I slave so hard, DW is so unappreciative. I tried to struggle on after my breakdown but there's no thanks".
"Oh OW, I come home shattered after work, the atmosphere is terrible, I am so taken for granted. As of now two of my children have left school, our youngest is quite a handful, I feel redundant, my DW has made no secret of the fact her life revolves around the DCs".
"Oh OW, poor you, your H sounds awful, let's comfort each other" blah blah.

Still doesn't make what she did right! If I was out with work colleagues and a man was telling me that about his wife it wouldn't make me want to jump into bed with him, unless of course I was looking for a new partner to justify leaving my own husband!!!!! She obviously forgot her own marriage vows too! Sorry if I sound like a bitter mad woman, that's because I am!

In my case I know exactly how he embellished, and it was indeed like Donkey says. He also said things like that we'd never really loved each other and I'd pushed for children and forced him into it, and the OW even commented on how weird that was of me.

Your husband knew that his lady friend was married; he was doing exactly the same thing as she was. Exactly. Note that you are repeating her story of her being in an unhappy marriage:

From what I can gather 'she' was unhappily married before my husband came on the scene!

She's telling her friends: "Her husband was unhappily married before I came on the scene." Because that is what he told her.

No, it isn't the way you see it. You're trying to bind all other women into a deal where they put aside personal pleasure for the benefit of your marriage. Why should they? Just because you say they are responsible to keep your husband faithful to you doesn't mean they are.

I can understand why you're bitter! It will pass. Give it thirty years and you'll see where I'm coming from...

Not out to upset you sticky sorry it hurts so much and you are raw and she knew that he was a married man with a family, no denying.

Stickydate65
I'm so sorry that he has betrayed you ( and your kids ) like this.

I'm over 2 years down the line following my DH's affair.

I don't know if it will help you in anyway - but I feel no anger or blame towards the OW involved anymore.

I realise now that she had made no previous promises to me, she was under no obligation toward me nor my children. Also, she had no reasons to feel any loyalty towards keeping our family together....,,

Those responsibilities were my DH's .

• I 'blame' him entirely, it was his choice to enter into an affair with his OW. I do not believe she coerced him ( even it would've been easier to 'accept)' ; for me I couldn't allow him the excuse of being a victim of the affair.

There were victims of his affair me , our kids and even to a degree the OW. It was him being duplicitous , dishonest & selfish.

If as a result of his actions, your DH's living arrangements are not 'great'and a lions share of money is tied up providing you and the kids with maintenance you should not feel guilty for 'fleecing' him - it is his obligation towards you all.

The only person with ALL the facts is your Dh. Armed with these facts he made HIS choices - everyone else sadly gets to live with the consequences of his choices.

Please be kind to yourself.

Yes, she is at fault too; it's entirely logical to hate her, and normal to be in denial about him. Weird that I have no feelings of hate towards my husband's new friend, but I guess that I can't deny his guilt after reading the story in his own words - no anger left for her!

stickydate65
I am so sorry for you. Every time I read a thread similar to yours, it sadly goes to show that no one can ever be 100% certain about their relationship.

What an idiot your husband has been, to choose a women who can do that to another women and 'his' own children.

Equally, he IS to blame.

It's no consolation, but perhaps one day, as often does happen in these situations, he will realise exactly what he has lost.

I have just read your initial post but not any of the comments below it. My whole heart goes out to you .

I was recently recommended a book called "Not Just Friends: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering your Sanity after Infidelity" by Shirley Glass. At first blush it sounds like wishy washy codswallop but is actually full of a lot of good sense, particularly for a situation like yours. Buy it now - download or your kindle if you can. It will give lots of good tips on how you could, if your husband is amenable, look to repair your relationship.

I hope I don't get flamed for saying that's an option! But you have been together for so long with 3 DCs, it has to be one of the options you and your husband are able to consider. Maybe once the novelty of his new dalliance wears off.... you could broach it with him.

Anyway, another important point the book makes is that this can happen in ANY relationship, however perfect and however deeply in love the husband and wife are. I think that should be a great comfort to you.

The key is that if the respective spouses do not set up strict boundaries in their friendships with outside parties then infedility can easily happen. The prime example given is that of a work relationship.
Best wishes.

I haven't read the book, and this may be expressed a little unfortunately, but when you say "if the respective spouses do not set up strict boundaries in their friendships with outside parties then infedility can easily happen", doesn't that mean "If the spouses allow themselves to have an affair then an affair can happen"?

Getting back together with your husband is unfortunately not an "option" for you if your husband runs off to be with another woman. It might be, if he comes back, but right now it isn't an option that stickydate is able to consider.

The daftest thing of all is that at this moment in time if he was to walk back through that door I'd gladly take him back because I have adored and loved him for more than half my life! I miss him like losing an arm and I miss our loving close relationship! I also know in truth if that happened our relationship would be damaged forever as I would never be able to trust him again! I don't imagine I will ever trust anyone again in my life! I have always tried to be a good person, to be a good wife and mother and to never harm anyone, that's why it hurts so badly that anyone would wish to put me through this, him or her! I am sure it offends many of you strong independent women out there, but I was a traditional wife who would have done anything for the man I love. I have always put him and the children first not because I was downtrodden or bullied but because I made that conscious choice! I wanted the 'happy ever after' and thought that was what I had got...... Now all I am left with is tears and broken dreams. Thank you all for your support today, I am sorry if I have offended any of you with my hatred for the OW but just being able to express it on here has helped!

Oh, sticky, you and me both.

My relationship has been going for 17 years and my h left me for another woman about 2 months ago now.
everything you have written above i could have done. You have described it so perfectly. My dc are 4 and 1.5 though and i'll be honest, i am struggling as are both of them.
we too have had an emotional few years. My youngest is aboit to start treatmemt for cystic fibrosis after being born 11 weeks early last year. I have since found out his affair started just weeks after she came out of hospital.

It is like he has had a head injury or something. He too despised men how we knew that had done this. I can't get my head round how HE has done this. Not him. Our friends and family are shocked. He has not told a single one of his own friends (a managed to speak to one yesterday).

If it is any consolation, i have gone though the devasted feelings and the anger. They are still there but now I'm not sure how i feel. If he came begging back i wouldn't him back. I'd want too, but the hurt is much too strong.

today that is exactly how it is for me... but bless you your children are so much younger and need you so much more than mine or at least need you differently. I am also suffering from empty nest as my middle child who is probably the closest to me has just left home for uni! I miss her too. It's so hard to understand how it has happened, I would just like to get through one day without crying!

Sticky what does your husband say when you ask if he loves you? Does he definitely not want to try again? How did they get caught?

And yes of course the OW has got some moral responsibility not to play with a MM!

Quitelikely He said he didn't love me anymore and the day he left I begged him to give her up and try to save our marriage and he said he couldn't give her up! I have asked him at least twice since then if he is sure this is what he wants and he has declined to answer this straight, just tells me I need to get help to move forward. It all came to a head because he had been so distant with me, I kept asking him if he had someone else and I thought he was denying it when I suddenly realised he wasn't saying yes or no just giving me a politicians answer! I made him look me in the eye and give me a yes or no and of course at that point he could no longer lie to me! But looking back I think he was becoming deliberately careless, (either consciously or sub consciously) until I confronted it. I don't think he would have ever had the balls to just come out and tell me. But interestingly two days before we had been and paid our mortgage off after 25 years and been out for a lovely meal to celebrate, talked about the future and our silver wedding next year etc. etc. The next day he was really behaving oddly and was on his phone more than usual. It was almost as if 'she' had started to put pressure on him now the mortgage was paid to come clean and leave me! I know it's easy to blame her but what else would explain the lovely evening out the night before and plans for the future???