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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How can you not know someone is capable of that?

186 replies

stickydate65 · 17/10/2014 09:25

Three weeks ago my DH of 24 years dropped the bombshell that he had been seeing someone else and couldn't give them up to try and save our marriage. We had always had a happy strong marriage with no problems ever! Until about 2 months before when I suddenly realised he was behaving differently towards me, no longer texting me from work like he always had or telling me he loved me. I was/am absolutely devastated. We have 3 DC (21,19 and 15), we were a strong family unit, we never really argued and all of our friends /family are as shocked as I am at what's happened. It turns out he's fallen in love with someone from work (who had also left her husband for him a few weeks before) and he left that day to go to her. I can't get my head around how someone I thought I knew could behave like this. He has never ever shown signs of being unhappily married and has at times been quite disdainful of men who 'look elsewhere' instead of working at their marriage. I am a complete mess, I can't stop crying and I can't even begin to imagine my life without him. We were just reaching the point in our lives when we were going to start doing things for us again, having devoted our lives to our family. I can't understand what I did wrong for him to look elsewhere. I am truly heart broken, I can't sleep, eat or function in any sort of way. I just sit in my pj's all day crying. I am so confused as to how the man I thought I knew could do this to us. And I have such terrible feelings of hate towards the OW. How can a woman do this to someone else and their family? It's ok for her , her children are grown up, left home with lives of their own. Our kids still needed him. I have never hated anyone in my life before and it's such a destructive emotion. Everyone says time will heal and I will get over it, but atm I can't ever imagine that. I'm not sure what I am looking for with this post except maybe some answers and some support....
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OP posts:
ravenmum · 18/10/2014 10:12

If they are just having a great time together without a care in the world, all I can say is that they must have their heads buried so far in the sand that they will come out in Asutralia. Presumably their brains are working away busily creating excuses and all that, but surely it can't do them any good, either, can it? Pretending so hard that they are great, there's hardly any suffering and if there is you deserve it all? I can't believe that they will come out of this happy, healthy people with a truly clear conscience. There must be a little voice somewhere deep down telling them that they've done something they shouldn't have.

Yes, you can get all the advice you like and it won't make the pain go away. That's because you have a heart.

elizalovelacey · 18/10/2014 10:37

Thats great advice Whatsgoingon has given you.I hope you can find the inner strengh to act upon it. Be kind to yourself but try to be strong. Keep posting when you need to.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 18/10/2014 11:10

If only it were that simple? I feel so lost and 'bereaved' . Would it be terrible to say it would have been easier if he had died!

Of course it'd have been easier if he'd died! In many ways, at least. At least that way he wouldn't have left out of choice. And our memories wouldn't have been sullied by wondering when he started to be unhappy, etc. it's like he's re-written your entire photo album.

I can't get the image of them together out of my mind.

I totally empathise with that. :(

the thought of them carrying on with their lives without a care for all the hurt they have left in their wake.

Well that's not going to be true. I'm sure your ex at least feels like a total TWUNT. Their feelings will be putting a huge strain on their relationship, I'd guess, with her competing against you and him thinking WTF HAVE I DONE. It's not all happy and blissful and easy like it was when he met YOU. It's messy and complicated and so stressful.

But that's why I don't want you to contract him at all. What's horrible about this is what's in your imagination - you see them happy and laughing and shagging and him happier than he's ever been BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW WHATS REALLY HAPPENING. It's agony, the imagining and the not-knowing. You are picturing them happy - they will definitely not be being happy all the time. They'll be arguing and he'll be feeling like a Bad Person and judged by family and friends, and so so guilty.

In a way, this is better for you than for him. I know it feels the opposite! But you have the upper hand now. You get to come out of this with a clean conscience and knowing you did the best you could. You can live with yourself. It'll take him YEARS before he can do that. You get to keep your dignity and your pride (cling on to your pride - scoop together what pride you have left and cling on to it, nurture it. It'll be a comfort long-term when you look back on this). Nobody will judge YOU. Everyone saw how happy you were together, they know.

So I want you to give HIM that pain, and not let him know how you are doing. I want HIS mind to be churning over how you're coping, what you're doing, if you hate him, etc. It's only a small victory but you can have it.

I am scared I will never recover, I was such a strong woman before this, but this inner strength seems to have evaporated.

That's shock. And heartbreak. And depression. It goes. You'll just have to trust me on that.

I know what I should be doing but it's making that start that's hard! I just long to wake up and not cry before I have even opened my eyes!

I wish I was there to give you a huge hug, make you tea and let you cry on my shoulder! I can't tell you how sorry I am that you're going through this pain.

Change2013 · 18/10/2014 12:02

I agree again with WhatsGoingOnEh - in the long run it really will be better to be you than him. And I really believe you will recover, you sound like a great person and a caring mother.

I found the ChumpLady website very good -its for people who have been cheated on and somehow it helped to know that other people had gone through the same thing.

At the moment I suspect you are grieving for the life you thought you had. When I think of my ex now I think that the man I knew did die in effect as he is not that person anymore. Treat yourself kindly and let yourself feel the feelings that you have every right to have. You will probably get very angry at some point and that spurs you on to take action.

I found counselling helpful and also writing in a journal, and I read lots of books. Once I felt a bit better I was able to think of the things I love doing, for the first time in a very long time. Now I have a job I love, a better social life and I'm doing a part-time course.

I will be thinking of you.

todayiamfat · 18/10/2014 12:07

I often think it would be easier if he had died. I told him that once Blush and considering he nearly did a couple of years ago, they were both hideous feelings. But least i would have thought he had loved me...

whatsgoingon is right. The no contact things is the way to go. I haven't managed this yet, but it should be slightly easier for you if the kids are older.

I also agree with changing your routines and doing stuff for yourself. I was always on my own with the kids every evening as he was working. I now have one eve off and i have joined slimming world! Maybe not relevant for yourself, but getting out of the house to do something that is entirely for yourself is important. I am also trying to make plans for weekends. I have joined my eldest up to a class on saturday mornings and going out with the dcs and friends this afternoon. I find the weekends when i am not at work the hardest btw. I am hoping this is a step in the right direction. I will let you know!

The other thing is to tell people. I have only just started telling people and it has helped enormously. We work together too, and our colleagues are shocked and of course on my side. I had one friend cry when i told her as she couldn't believe i had another 'thing' to cope with. Bizarrely this has helped. Knowing people are behind me and looking out for me.

Not everyone knows yet and some people make comments about us ie 'tell X for me...' and i want to scream that i can't. But once everyone knows it will be easier.

Someone on hear told me to treat myself and this too has helped. Just little things. I am also planning on decorating. He was very set in his ways and finally i can do what I want.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 18/10/2014 13:11

Perhaps as WhatsGoingOnEh suggested upthread you could bag his stuff up, stick it in one room or cupboard or the garage.

Ideally he'd take it in one go. If all his possessions are removed from the family home then it will spell it out to him that you are looking forward.

That way too he can't come back and cherry pick stuff at the house when it occurs to him he needs it.

Paddlingduck · 18/10/2014 16:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WellWhoKnew · 18/10/2014 17:59

Hello - another one here whose husband just upsticks one day, no notice, no warning, after 15 years together. Now 5 and a half months later, I'm in the thick of a divorce (acrimonious one). I felt horrified by the idea, humiliated and hurt.

I took around 3 months to stop feeling total and utter despair, I mean the 'I just want to die please' feeling. So please, please, please forgive yourself for feeling so dreadful. It's also okay to be bloody angry at the world and at her too, but mostly at him.

As others say, get out and about as much as you can. Nothing destroys your self-esteem as much as your husband walking out on you, but by getting out and about, you'll find your self-esteem grows.

Also having to do tasks, perhaps, that were 'his job' as helpless and useless as you feel, once you've faced them, will make you feel a sense of accomplishment. For me it was learning to drive a car (again) but it could be anything at all. Also don't be afraid to ask for help - most people in this world are generous and kind, and will help if you ask for it.

As best you can, don't turn on yourself. It's too easy to blame your saggy boobs/large arse/big nose (or whatever your 'ism' is) for him leaving. He left because he is selfish. He also left you with all the responsibility. That makes him a coward.

Don't believe a word of what he says. It's all bullshit. That includes anything he says about what he is going to give you in divorce. On that point, see a solicitor (in fact several) - things may not be as bad as the media leads you to believe (although it's bloody hard until you get to the settlement stage).

And yes, to the "No Contact" rule (and try not to do Internet Stalking as it'll just make you feel worse). Any contact you get from him is likely to be either a) nasty or b) heartless. Don't be surprised if he never, ever again asks 'how you are'. They don't like guilt, and they don't like to be guilted. So ignore them no matter what they say.

I know it sounds daft, but just re-organising your home (giving it a paint, or rearranging the furniture) does actually help. He's left the home now, so it's not his. Do whatever you like with it. Remind yourself: The day he left was the last time he gets to make a unilateral decision over your life. You're in charge now.

It takes a long time to adjust so do not let anyone tell you to 'get over it' (mother!) after a couple of months. See a doctor to get signed off work if you feel that is necessary for you, and also to get some anti-depressants if you think they will help.

At the moment, counselling is probably too soon, but don't rule it out in a couple of months.

And finally, cry your bloody heart out. And don't stop crying until your tears dry up naturally. It is get through each moment as it comes for the first few weeks but you will start to feel more human again in a few months (promise).

I firmly believe: "His decision to divorce devastates me, and relieves him. The act of divorce will relieve me and devastate him". So far, so good.

One day, you're going to be amazing if you choose to be. He will still be a selfish coward and twat, but will end up the bitter one about his divorce.

Some reading that I found helpful:

Runaway Husbands
Detach and Survive.

Take care. Sorry this has happened to you too.

toodledoo678 · 18/10/2014 18:19

It is quite natural for you to feel hatred for the OW...perfectly understandable. She did not do this to you though...your husband did.

The BOTH played a part in it. The OW knew that he was married. She should have backed off.

OP I don't blame you for feeling hate towards the other woman. She has played as much a part in destroying your marriage as your husband has.

They have both been really cowardly, underhanded and sneaky.

toodledoo678 · 18/10/2014 18:40

I agree with the poster that asks:
You have to ask yourself,

What type of woman happily builds a future on the back of another woman's misery.

Even if I didn't know the MM's wife, I would still hate myself for wrecking her (and her childrens') life. I couldn't do it.

It must take a special hard-as-nails type to do that. Hmm

stickydate65 · 18/10/2014 19:13

Thank you all for your much welcome support, even if it's not always what I want to hear! Today has been a really crap day! DD2 (15) has been incredibly difficult because I wouldn't let her sleep over at her friends house (due to her telling me that last week and actually staying somewhere else!) She has been positively foul, accusing me of punishing her because her dad had left us! Saying she hates living here and can't wait to leave! Whilst it isn't unusual for her to be difficult it is so hard to deal with this on my own, H would have always stepped in and calmed the situation down and whatever I said just escalated the situation more! What I really wanted to say to her was pack your bags and go live with your dad then! How dreadful am I? I feel so angry that I am having to deal with her alone! I wish he could see what a mess he has left us all in!!! I guess at this moment in his 'loved up' state he probably wouldn't even care!

OP posts:
stickydate65 · 18/10/2014 19:13

Thank you all for your much welcome support, even if it's not always what I want to hear! Today has been a really crap day! DD2 (15) has been incredibly difficult because I wouldn't let her sleep over at her friends house (due to her telling me that last week and actually staying somewhere else!) She has been positively foul, accusing me of punishing her because her dad had left us! Saying she hates living here and can't wait to leave! Whilst it isn't unusual for her to be difficult it is so hard to deal with this on my own, H would have always stepped in and calmed the situation down and whatever I said just escalated the situation more! What I really wanted to say to her was pack your bags and go live with your dad then! How dreadful am I? I feel so angry that I am having to deal with her alone! I wish he could see what a mess he has left us all in!!! I guess at this moment in his 'loved up' state he probably wouldn't even care!

OP posts:
stickydate65 · 18/10/2014 19:13

Thank you all for your much welcome support, even if it's not always what I want to hear! Today has been a really crap day! DD2 (15) has been incredibly difficult because I wouldn't let her sleep over at her friends house (due to her telling me that last week and actually staying somewhere else!) She has been positively foul, accusing me of punishing her because her dad had left us! Saying she hates living here and can't wait to leave! Whilst it isn't unusual for her to be difficult it is so hard to deal with this on my own, H would have always stepped in and calmed the situation down and whatever I said just escalated the situation more! What I really wanted to say to her was pack your bags and go live with your dad then! How dreadful am I? I feel so angry that I am having to deal with her alone! I wish he could see what a mess he has left us all in!!! I guess at this moment in his 'loved up' state he probably wouldn't even care!

OP posts:
stickydate65 · 18/10/2014 19:13

Thank you all for your much welcome support, even if it's not always what I want to hear! Today has been a really crap day! DD2 (15) has been incredibly difficult because I wouldn't let her sleep over at her friends house (due to her telling me that last week and actually staying somewhere else!) She has been positively foul, accusing me of punishing her because her dad had left us! Saying she hates living here and can't wait to leave! Whilst it isn't unusual for her to be difficult it is so hard to deal with this on my own, H would have always stepped in and calmed the situation down and whatever I said just escalated the situation more! What I really wanted to say to her was pack your bags and go live with your dad then! How dreadful am I? I feel so angry that I am having to deal with her alone! I wish he could see what a mess he has left us all in!!! I guess at this moment in his 'loved up' state he probably wouldn't even care!

OP posts:
stickydate65 · 18/10/2014 19:13

Thank you all for your much welcome support, even if it's not always what I want to hear! Today has been a really crap day! DD2 (15) has been incredibly difficult because I wouldn't let her sleep over at her friends house (due to her telling me that last week and actually staying somewhere else!) She has been positively foul, accusing me of punishing her because her dad had left us! Saying she hates living here and can't wait to leave! Whilst it isn't unusual for her to be difficult it is so hard to deal with this on my own, H would have always stepped in and calmed the situation down and whatever I said just escalated the situation more! What I really wanted to say to her was pack your bags and go live with your dad then! How dreadful am I? I feel so angry that I am having to deal with her alone! I wish he could see what a mess he has left us all in!!! I guess at this moment in his 'loved up' state he probably wouldn't even care!

OP posts:
stickydate65 · 18/10/2014 19:15

I have no idea why it's posting my comments several times! gremlins I think!

OP posts:
todayiamfat · 18/10/2014 19:32

Oh, sticky, you are right, it is unfair. If your stbxh is like mine, his response to being told his 4 year old is playing up/upset is that 'she needs to get over it, lots if kids manage and get on fine'.

And yy to clearing out his stuff. I did this the weekend following the revelations. It was an awful experience but i felt so much better afterwards Wine Wine and Wine. I'll share my bottle(s) with you x

springydaffs · 18/10/2014 20:19

Oh I really feel for you. I'm so sorry your daughter is acting up in this way - perhaps this will be a breakthrough time for your relationship. I do hope so.

I'm so sorry this awful thing has happened. The shock and pain must be immense. I know this isn't popular but I am with you hating the OW. It's all very well saying she didn't make any vows to you, he did - and that is true, of course - and it may be easier at this agonising stage to make her the object of your hate, rather than him: you don't love her nor have you made a lifelong commitment to her, you haven't trusted her with your life as you have him for many years. The reason I'm with you on your hatred of her is because I have been single for years and frequently been in a situation where I could smash a marriage - I'm sorry to say, it often wouldn't be difficult. But as much as I would have dearly loved to have the man, I just wouldn't put others through the agony of a destroyed family. I may sound like a saint - believe me, I have tried to find a way around it (there isn't one) - but I don't think I'm unusual. There is a point very early on when you know things are drifting in the wrong direction. I personally can't stand it when people say 'it just happened' - no it didn't, there were many steps along the way.

I appreciate my ire may be because I've been 'good' and feel she's let the side down. But I do think it is basic humanity to consider the implications on others. I assure you I've at times been chewing the carpet but how could I have what I wanted when the cost to others would be so high.

She is not the only one at fault, though: the same applies to him. And he is infinitely more culpable, precisely because he knows full well, or should do, the full implications of what he has done. It may take a while for the shock to subside but I do hope it reveals white hot anger towards him. He is the one who has trashed what was so precious.

Perfect advice from WhatsGoing. Try to follow it xx

Stupidhead · 19/10/2014 01:37

Oh stickydates, I'm so sorry you're struggling with your daughter on top of all this. It's her hormones and the situation, not you.

Be strong.

hellsbellsmelons · 19/10/2014 08:51

My DD was exactly the same.
Probably a heck of a lot worse at times.
They do get there though.
Close to 17 now and she's a joy a lot of the time.
I'm now proud to call her my daughter.
As I had to cope on my own I did read a book that helped. Bit American and repetitive but helpful.
I'll look it up and post the name soon.
You will have so much to deal with.
It's horrible. But you will get through it. Your DD will love and appreciate you before long.
As a PP said. For now. Fake 'til you make it.

stickydate65 · 19/10/2014 09:34

I stood my ground with DD yesterday. Left her shouting and 'locked' in the bathroom (her doing the locking not me :D) Went for a walk and a cry to my mums. When I returned she was (almost) calm, getting ready to go out, I hadn't said she couldn't go out, and asking if her friend could stay over here instead! Which I had already suggested. No more tantrums, and even a pleasant 'goodnight' when they went to bed! Maybe I can do this! Feel grateful for a small injection of hope!

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 19/10/2014 10:11

Nothing wrong with hating the OW. Perfectly natural and understandable, and yes, although she may have been lied to, she should not have gone there. Civilisation breaks down if everyone is all out for themselves with no empathy or sense of moral correctness, just what they can get away with. Fortunately I think the majority do do what is right because, well, it's right innit? Rather than because they score a direct personal advantage. Hopefully a few decades will not cure you of your sense of decency.

Dumping all the blame on the OW is a different matter. She did not kidnap your H and lock him in the cellar. She is unlikely to have hypnotised, brainwashed, radicalised or otherwise mind-controlled him. She did not make him do it. He did it, despite the vows he made and the obligations he owed; she might or might not have a reasonable excuse for giving up on her vows and obligations (which is not to excuse her choosing someone else's husband for the purpose). Blaming her is letting him off the hook. You can't afford to do that.

Anniegetyourgun · 19/10/2014 10:13

X-post with your update, well done you, and fairly well done your DD as well!

stickydate65 · 19/10/2014 10:25

annie I know really I can't wholly blame the OW, it's just easier that way! I still love him desperately(how do you turn that off after 26 years??) although I don't like him very much atm (there's progress!!!) If I start to think he is to blame too then H must have been unhappy to look elsewhere so that then becomes my fault too! I would love to fast forward a few years and see if they are still together and happy and therefore justifies the hurt he is putting me through or whether the grass really wasn't greener and he is a sad lonely man in a grotty bedsit! I'd then visit me and see if I have survived and come out the other end stronger and happy! Anyone know a geek with a time machine?

OP posts:
Vivacia · 19/10/2014 10:30

You've got to pretend sticky. I don't like the wording, but I love the sentiment - "Fake it 'til you make it".

There was a list of actions earlier that I flinched just to read, but I think it's a sensible start.