How can you not know someone is capable of that?

[stickydate65]

Three weeks ago my DH of 24 years dropped the bombshell that he had been seeing someone else and couldn't give them up to try and save our marriage. We had always had a happy strong marriage with no problems ever! Until about 2 months before when I suddenly realised he was behaving differently towards me, no longer texting me from work like he always had or telling me he loved me. I was/am absolutely devastated. We have 3 DC (21,19 and 15), we were a strong family unit, we never really argued and all of our friends /family are as shocked as I am at what's happened. It turns out he's fallen in love with someone from work (who had also left her husband for him a few weeks before) and he left that day to go to her. I can't get my head around how someone I thought I knew could behave like this. He has never ever shown signs of being unhappily married and has at times been quite disdainful of men who 'look elsewhere' instead of working at their marriage. I am a complete mess, I can't stop crying and I can't even begin to imagine my life without him. We were just reaching the point in our lives when we were going to start doing things for us again, having devoted our lives to our family. I can't understand what I did wrong for him to look elsewhere. I am truly heart broken, I can't sleep, eat or function in any sort of way. I just sit in my pj's all day crying. I am so confused as to how the man I thought I knew could do this to us. And I have such terrible feelings of hate towards the OW. How can a woman do this to someone else and their family? It's ok for her , her children are grown up, left home with lives of their own. Our kids still needed him. I have never hated anyone in my life before and it's such a destructive emotion. Everyone says time will heal and I will get over it, but atm I can't ever imagine that. I'm not sure what I am looking for with this post except maybe some answers and some support....
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I realise I'm projecting my own perspective onto things and was in no way referring to your situation in particular sticky I just wanted to point out that it was possible.

sticky cry your heart out, love. I don't think these 'blindsiders' really understand the destruction they have caused and so will spout any old nonsense to convince others that 'no one really got hurt' and it was 'just one of those things' because they cannot accept any responsibility at all.

They not half get angry, though, when you don't applaud them for moving off and having the time of their lives. So then you 'fake it til you make it' and they then become astonishingly irate that you even dare have a life of your own.

They are selfish and self-absorbed to the end. You, on the other hand, can treat your life with the respect it deserves by crying over the demise of your marriage and family for as hard and as long as you need to.

It will get easier very, very slowly. Promise.

sticky cry your heart out, love. I don't think these 'blindsiders' really understand the destruction they have caused and so will spout any old nonsense to convince others that 'no one really got hurt' and it was 'just one of those things' because they cannot accept any responsibility at all.

Could not agree more.

It is soooooo painful and such a shock and a huge loss but over time, you start to really understand that you can't control what happens to you in life; only your response to it and you can feel proud of yourself for having been a wonderful Mum and Wife, having successfully stayed "in love" for 24 years (which is work no matter what anyone thinks) and having made it through an unspeakable loss with dignity.

I agree with wellwhoknew to cry for the end of YOUR marriage for as long as it suits YOU and be proud of every tear that drops. There's no shame in loving your husband and family.

The trick is in surviving the first months and waiting for time to do it's job. I have read wonderful stories of women in this position who took up sports and hobbies, travelled, joined clubs, made new friends, focussed on their careers and achieved wonderful things. I am inspired by those.

It may not feel like it now, but you will "love" again if you decide you want to. You've shown you have a wonderful capacity for it and there are many, many men looking for women just like you.

For a year almost I used to think I'd never want to be with anyone else because they'd not be my kids' Dad, they'd not "know" me, they'd not be HIM but then over time I sort of realised that was the point. they would not be him. Someone I used to love who ended up treating me like total crap. Far better to be with someone who hasn't. Shared history or not.

It's hard to imagine or picture here, but as time drifts on you will start to see little bits of him that were always a bit selfish, always a bit cowardly and you will make the choice to not continue to see only the best in him. When that perspective shifts, you won't miss him anymore.

I think though that you have to make the decision to not be a victim here, as I did, and to choose and really believe that you deserve love of the same quality and standard that you give to others. Your DH no longer offers that. Really start to believe that you deserve better and he will becomes less and less attrative in your mind.

I used to think my ex's bad dress sense, awful Dad dancing and gentle lack of confrontation was adorable. When he left, I started to see his "adorable" lack of confrontation was actually being too gutless to ever tell anyone what he really thought, and his dress sense and dancing was actually just embarrassing.

It's hard to let go of that sense of loyalty, but hopefully the anger will do it's job and will motivate you on to better days.

Gosh, i am finding your thread, sticky so hard to read. It it fantastic to know that i am not alone, but so so painful knowing that everything that is tearing me apart is 'textbook'.

Can i ask, oh wise ones, sticky's honesty about the OW having nothing to do with the kids lives. Us there anyway i can enforce this?

The knobhead admitted they are moving in together last night. It has really got to me all over again.
I don't want her anywhere near my kids. My dc's are so young (4 and 1.5) and are not handling it well. The 18mth is seriously ill and undergoing investigations for cystic fibrosis. This in alone would have destroyed me. And now i don't have his support.
On top if this, i have serious doubts of how safe they woukd be anywhere near her. She is refusing to do a crb check (or whatever the new name is) for working with kids in his business. She has also disclosed sexual abuse to my H (but apparently never told anyone including her own family and dh) and he has been told no details but fallen for it all.

I don't trust her. I don't want her i their lives.
is this possible? And if not, can i put it off? And for how long?

sticky what does his family say about it all? My H's are sticking by me (he lost his dm last year and i was extremely close) and are as devastated as me. It helps to know that others that in theory should stand by their son are chosing to stand by me.
(Her family don't know apparently. And neither does her stbx. I really want to tell them. This is a bad idea isn't it? But i really want her/him to suffer).

And my H just isn't telling anyone. His affir isn't happening to anyone else. He has convinced everyone it is in my head. Despite now moving in with the bitch.

yougotafriend we weren't happy. My dc was in hospital fighting for her life when his affair started. I fucking hate him.

OMG todayiamfat what an awful thing he did to you and your family. How can these men be so self absorbed.

My husband left me my children for the OW when I am in the middle of a lung condition that puts me in hospital. I thought that was bad but not when a child is ill.

I too am looking a the prospect of him and the other woman eventually having my children and I can't bear it. It rips me apart so I know exactly where you are coming from.

Sticky..you are doing so well keep going. We're all just getting there one day at a time.

Love and hugs to you all. xx

Thank you to all who have offered me help and support and while it gives me no pleasure to know I am not the only one going through this terrible nightmare, it does help to know the confusing emotions I am feeling are not unique! and just sharing them on here helps the process.......
Todayiamfat H has no family as such, both parents have died, my darling fil died in April (stupid me thought his unhappiness was grief!) after many years of alzheimers. He is an only child, and only has one cousin who he is close to but who thinks he is being an ass over all this and is desperately upset. His closest friends he seems to have abandoned after telling them, not replying to any of their attempts to make contact. I think he is either afraid of what they will say or he has decided he doesn't need them in his new life! He won't tell any of them his new address, so no one knows where he is living.
Having agreed last Monday that he needed to make more contact with youngest as she was being so difficult, he said he would text her morning and night. She was upset earlier because that had only lasted until Friday! She saw him briefly on Sunday when he gave her a lift home and he hasn't texted her at all today! This imposter in his body sure knows how to prove he isn't the same person. My H would have never let his children down! I genuinely believed him when he said the children would always be his priority! Is his new life so full he can't find time for even one text? It's no wonder I don't want my children poisoned by the OW, she seems to have done a grand job on H!!!!
For me the decision on whether they see her is out of my hands as they are all old enough to make their own choice! But the thought of her even so much as being in the same Town as them fills me with sadness. :(

Sticky,i am finding your posts so sad ,agree it's textbook.

Regarding seeing OW. My D's knew ow (& didn't like her). XH tried to make him see her early on,I had D's ringing me from car with his father saying they're trying to get me to..x..y or z.

I just kept telling him to tell his father that he wouldn't see him if she had to be there,just keep repeating it. Twat that xh was he really couldn't understand why ds didnt want her in his life.

Finally,with some text back up from me (along the lines of :your access days are for you to see your son ) he got the message....although only sees him 1 full day a month & 2 hours 1 night a week. TWUNT.

DS gained strength from standing up to his father (he was 11). & has never had to see the bitch so far...3 years further on now.

They cannot see/understand how they affect the children ...but why would you when you are such a fine upstanding pair of devious,lying shits?

Oh...& i was approaching silver wedding anniv. He had even suggested renewing vows,but we had lovely holiday with DS instead. Fucking ruined memories of that!

zebraface Poor you! It's soul destroying isn't it? Good for your son sticking up for what he felt! hat can't have been easy. My DD (15) says if she is made to see OW she will be as obnoxious as possible (and boy can she be obnoxious!)and make the OW 's life hell! Part of me wanted to cheer but then I thought of OW thinking what a bad parent I must have been to produce such an obnoxious child! That would just reinforce all the things H must have told her about me!
Think I know where he is living now, Purely by chance I followed him home tonight! (definitely not planned!) He obviously doesn't look in his mirror cause he didn't see me there and turned down a road. I longed to use my horn or follow him further and let him know I knew where he was! But then I figured knowledge is power and he doesn't need to know (yet) that I know where he is!!!!! I never dreamt I could feel so devious! I must be hardening!!

It wouldn't surprise me if he did notice you following him, and you getting an email warning you not to "stalk" him any time soon.

He doesn't need to know anything at this stage. At this stage, he can be as in denial as he likes, as relieved as he likes, whatever he likes. You just focus on you, and getting through each day.

If the kids give him hell, that, I'm afraid is what he as a parent must manage (as you do) - and who gives a fig about what she thinks: she is the kind of person who is party to causing so much destruction and wreckage to a family. Even if you were the world's worst wife (and I doubt you are), what did the kids do to deserve their hurt?

And if he does start provoking you, do turn a blind eye to it as best you can - don't respond. There's nothing a self-centred twat loathes more than being ignored.

This may not be what happens to you, but please just focus on you, and making sure you and the children are okay.

^^
Agree WWK.
I can see why you would think that Sticky but he has to face up to how what he has done affects your DS (difficult age & quite capable of forming own opinion). Don't condone any bad behaviour but don't work too hard to stop it IMHO.
Definitely don't let him know you know....late night trips to find exact location. Knowledge IS power.
The grass isn't greener...he will find that out....& you'll be a million miles away,trust me.

Actually. I would love to know the stats on how many knobheads are still with the OW x amount of years on.

I am hoping this woukd be in all our favour !

Sticky, how are you today? I find the weekdays easier. I am dreading half term next week (i am a teacher). Is your dd in yr11? What shit timing. Let her have a rest this half term before the stress of mocks etc take over. Do her school know what has happened? As a teacher i woukd want to know. I went into sch the next day and told my dd's reception teacher and burst into tears. She then gave my dd 'star of the week' and it made my dd's year! Tell them if you haven't x

today All the days are the same atm as I am off work , I need to be able to go through a whole day without crying before I can return to work!

DD is year 11 but totally switched off by education and has been for years! Unfortunately this has just given her a good reason to do as little as possible and 'fail' her exams! School are aware I let them know the next day. They have offered her counselling but she declined! Since he went she has had 4 days off school, the latest being today as she was too tired having not slept well! I've got parents evening tomorrow night which I am dreading! I hate them anyway but the thought of being amongst so many people makes me feel quite panicky! plus there are other parents who either I work with or work with him! Don't want anyone asking any awkward questions and making me cry in public!

I would love to know the statistics too! Part of me hopes the OW is worth it and they do last otherwise it's all been for nothing! I can't really imagine taking pleasure from him having given up his life with us to end up alone in a grotty bedsit!

Sticky, I'm six months post sacking from STBXH, and it's only now I feel ready to get back into the world of work (had to collapse our business and sell off all the assets when he left). My biggest act of self-flagellation in the early months was the fact I hadn't got a job. Wish I hadn't bothered now, as the lovely SHL has assured me that given the stress, and the complexity of my current situation, no judge is going to give me a hard time for taking six months to deal with everything.

So yes, I know how every day feels the same! Because they are just tear-filled endless disbelief.

And as for people asking 'awkward questions' That's going to be your lifeline out of this - it's them that will provide you with help and support. I made the mistake of not telling anyone for as long as possible. I do view that as a mistake.

I would also love to know the statistics. I shall start an MN thread on it and see how many can provide the answers.

I suspect a lot though - given if you've thrown everything away for 'true love' as it were, you work harder to make it successful because you can't cope with the shame of the damage you've done.

Oh no, i want the latter. Definitely.

Sorry about the prospect of parents eve! If it helps-i hate them too (secondary teacher).

Sounds daft, but i prefer being at work. Yes i sometimes cry, but i can cope usually as my mind is too occupied (plus i work with the knob). It's the weeknds when i break down as it is 'family time'.
That is a shame about your dd. But gcses arent the b all and end all. The stbx hadnt got a single qualification when i met him aged 18, and he managed to become a teacher! And i hate to admit quite a good one. Don't let the 'exam stress' become everything. At the same time, she needs to acknowledge it is happening and have a plan. They are way too young for such decisions.

Take someone with you tomorrow x

I think being at work actually saved me a lot of tears.
I didn't miss a day and no-one knew about the separation.
Like WWK, I kept his dirty secret and bottled it all up.
I view this as a mistake as well.
The relief when I told people and the love and support was what I really needed much earlier on.
I did always cry in the evenings though. For a long time.

I've also dreaded parents evenings since my DD was much younger.
But now she's nearly 17 and got a good apprenticeship (she's not academic at all). She's having to study to resit her maths and English GCSE's, and she's turned her life around and is a lovely girl to be around.

She works hard in her FT apprenticeship and has a job 2-3 evenings a week and a Saturday. Bless her she works long hard hours but loves it all.
Your DD will get there. She really will.

Try to get back to work. It seems like an awful prospect but hopefully you'll find that it helps to take your mind off of things and gives you something else to focus on.

for you for today. Baby steps!

Well! Been to DD's parents evening, hardest thing I have had to do yet in the last 31/2 weeks! I felt so judged by the teachers , being the 'bad' parent who's child is now from a broken home! I know they probably weren't judging me but I felt so paranoid! Several other parents spoke to me in a sympathetic 'poor you' way, keen to tell me my DD had told their DC and how shocked they were! (tell all we haven't heard a good piece of gossip for ages!!!!) I just about managed to make it through the evening without breaking down in tears but several times had to really 'man up' and hold them back! So I guess that's progress!

It takes a while for that neon sign over your head that screams out 'shit wife' to burn itself out - and it's only in your imagination anyway.

In time, you'll accept your husband was an utter shitbag, and no matter what you'd done differently, he'd have been still been utter shit.

I think I pointed out on someone else's thread:

When your husband walks out, you're left with a twat to divorce.

Honestly, as soon as you start telling people, you'll find some amazing support. Yes, the gossip mongers can do one, but it'll be the quiet one at the back, who will walk up and say 'hey that happened to me too', I know what you're going through. And you'll look at them, and think 'but how did you deserve that?' and you'll realise this isn't about you. It really is about the shit husband.

And that's how you'll find some amazing new friends, get your self-esteem back, and learn to move on in time.

In the meantime, can you find the plug to the neon sign and give it a good yank? No one is going to judge you. Over half the population get divorced. Half the population are women. Can't all be our fault surely?

WellWhoKnew - how did you get so wise. I'm another one with the neon sign - and the soundtrack of d i v o r c e playing in my head constantly.

It's surprising that some of my older friends can't talk to me about it but I've spoke to strangers and they have been more supportive and are now new friends.

The thing I will never understand is how can a loving husband turn so quickly into your worst nightmare. Is there a secret switch?

I've had friends of my mums (whos 72) tell me that the same thing happened to them and the runaway husbands were using the same story 30 years ago. One of them was even dumped by a note on her car windscreen!

I agree it can't be our faulty. Initially I was willing to take 50% of the blame for him walking out - until I found out about the other woman. Now it's 100% his fault - he choose that path that would devastate his children. They're all selfish me-centric beings once the OW comes on the scene.

WhyMe He suddenly abandoned me.

From that experience, I have learnt that I'm not quite the woman he tells me I am.

Apparently, I'm not as bad as he says I am.

Apparently, I'm insightful, witty, wise, funny, a good friend, very pragmatic, very intelligent, and quite a remarkable woman.

Well, who knew?

Because y'know when he said I was useless, and hopeless, and a nag and a misery and a bitch.

I believed him.

More fool me.

And it also turns out he's not quite as perceptive nor as intelligent as I believed him to be.

Well, now I know.

Take care.

Wouldn't it be wonderful - no, appropriate - to be awarded nearly 500K for being the victim of someone who conducted a relationship as a fake, fathered a child, then suddenly buggered off. Re the undercover 'eco warrior'.

I really do think that people who do what the men represented on this thread have done should have to pay damages for 1. breach of contract; therefore 2. significant hurt, damage of reputation.

It's not everything but it would be something . So, yeah, which gender makes and upholds laws in this country. All countries. And, yeah, it's ok to bugger off, the law just sees to the practicalities, that's it, that's all. Having, holding, forsaking all others, till death us do part of no significance.

Nicely said WWK.
You are certainly all of those things!!

I'm glad you go through the parents evening OP.
It's horrible the first time but it soon gets better.
Especially when the male teachers become a bit flirty.

KOKO. I hope you have an OK day today!

Though I guess if damages came into the equation an awful lot of spurned wives would be bumped off.

sorry for the macabre turn. A life lived well and all that.

I'm with you springydaffs - I think the courts should take into account what the husband has done but I know my stbxh will get away with it.

He left me while I was ill, with two children, told me he's slept with prostitutes etc and moved to be with the OW. He's now withholding maintenance and has cancelled our utility bills and used the credits to pay off part of his overdraft (he run up on the joint account)plus he's put another car loan against our house.

I want him to pay for the damage he's done to my girls but I know he'll get away with it. He does not have a conscience or any remorse he just wants to paint me as the evil ex wife. And him being an upstanding member of the community - an armed police officer!

Well even if he bumped me off he wouldn't get anything because he also cancelled all our life insurances as well.