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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anyone here who's found out their OH uses prostitutes?

208 replies

BGuns · 12/10/2014 11:26

I would really appreciate speaking to anyone who has found themselves in the same situation as I have very recently.

OP posts:
Cakecrumbsinmybra · 15/10/2014 19:47

AF, I don't think minus was suggesting that. He was just stating that he doesn't want to get a divorce - if I lost custody of my children, I would feel like I was "losing" them to some extent too.

Cakecrumbsinmybra · 15/10/2014 19:49

You have my sympathy minus, your situation is tough, and perhaps on a different thread you would get some advice.

PiperIsOrange · 15/10/2014 19:49

Good advice AF.

Btw I googled IUSW and got international Union of sex workers

AnyFucker · 15/10/2014 19:51

I am not insulting you, minus. I am commenting on how your post, that you wrote, looks to me.

If you use language like you did in your post at 18:17, I doubt it has been at all helpful in solving your relationship dilemma. That is of course between you and your wife, but if you put it out there, don't expect wholehearted support for it.

AnyFucker · 15/10/2014 19:53

IUSW= international union of sex workers

That establishment mainly underpinned by punters ?

Well, they would say that, wouldn't they ? (whatever bollocks that alardi is attributing to them)

AnyFucker · 15/10/2014 19:54

Minus, you may not percieve my posts as helpful to you, but "on a different thread" you would see that they are

Ask KIH

AnyFucker · 15/10/2014 19:55

thanks, piper

piper, maybe start your own thread lovey ?

in Relationships

AnyFucker · 15/10/2014 19:57

Bloody hell, my highlighted posts are all over this thread

I will bow out for a bit

PiperIsOrange · 15/10/2014 19:57

www.iusw.org/

AF, more info on IUSW here.

Cakecrumbsinmybra · 15/10/2014 20:01

minus, I usually agree with AF but your post did not read like that to me and I would be insulted too.

OP, if you come back, I hope you get the support you need and will echo the pp who said to see the success stories in the women who have found the strength to end the relationship.

Minus2seventy3 · 15/10/2014 20:03

AF, sorry, but your post came across as an insult - suggesting I have bought a right to my wife's body, barely a step from saying I'd be the sort capable of forcing myself on my wife?
And language "like that"? I explained our early years - maternity leave etc. And earnings? She earns more, so what. A direct quote from the post you seem to think paints me in a bad light: "all of this I have no qualms with, for we are a partnership".

AnyFucker · 15/10/2014 20:07

Minus, if you "have no qualms with it" then why detail it ?

have you discussed it with your wife in those terms ? it's a simple question, no snide suggestions hidden

Minus2seventy3 · 15/10/2014 20:08

Cake, thankyou.
I'll not post for a while, this thread has gone way off topic and that's partly my fault.
Apologies to the OP.

AnyFucker · 15/10/2014 20:11

I was supposed to be off thread for a while too

Minus2seventy3 · 15/10/2014 20:19

Right, last post...
I detailed it to get across the following:
Family is a partnership, so who earns more is immaterial; home life, money, child raising, is all equal.
The disparity in potential earnings now becomes relevant in the event of a split - it goes to show what (and why) i have to lose - ie, custody of my daughter.
Oh, and to address another very pointed barb of yours from an earlier post, were we to split, no I most certainly wouldn't turn my back on my child.
Night all.

AlbaGuBrath · 15/10/2014 20:35

John I sympathise with your situation, must be very difficult.

You say that divorce isn't what you want but I'm just wondering if you have thought about how your wife would react if she found out you were using prostitutes (if you were to go down this route)?

I've got to admit if I ever found out that a partner of mine had cheated, used a prostitute and to be perfectly honest even seriously entertained the idea it would be ending in divorce anyway.

writtenguarantee · 15/10/2014 21:22

That I can't accept. So porn is my only regular substitute, which agree is pathetic.

i never said it was pathetic, nor do i think it is. cheating aside, which is bad, if all you did was use porn that is pretty damn harmless. But yeah, i think you are going to have to talk to your OH about this. pretty fundamental.

writtenguarantee · 15/10/2014 21:28

Its easier for a woman? With all the slut shaming of women that goes on . Really????

I am not sure what country or circles you are in, but you certainly don't have to advertise your private life to everyone. if you are discreet, I doubt anyone would know or care.

Lemsy · 15/10/2014 21:34

Porn is not 'pretty damn harmless'.

You have no idea who is being coerced into this industry or who is doing it 'willingly'. Both pretty grim imo and definitely not harmless, to the individuals involved or to society in general.

writtenguarantee · 15/10/2014 23:06

You have no idea who is being coerced into this industry or who is doing it 'willingly'. Both pretty grim imo and definitely not harmless, to the individuals involved or to society in general.

I don't know what you mean by "both"; what is "both"?

Two things. 1) Relative to cheating and visiting prostitutes it is and you can mitigate the bad effects by getting porn from places where it is tightly regulated (the US, much of europe, for example) and 2) relative to a lot of things we commonly do and buy is more harmful. Do you know that the company that manufactures iPads had to install nets at the base of its factories on account of the all the people jumping from the buildings due to poor working conditions? So, one could argue that while porn is bad, it isn't as bad as iPads.

we are not talking about organic farming here. Porn isn't the greatest industry in the world. but it isn't the worlds worst evil either.

writtenguarantee · 15/10/2014 23:08

blah! typos everywhere. hopefully readable.

geezerhere · 15/10/2014 23:18

What if you love your kids dearly. Support your dp emotionally and financially but have been knocked back countless times within past 5 years without a hint of sexual response? Your dp has made it clear they do not want sex with you. They do not want to even touch you. Yet they love you and want to be with you... we all have needs.

Drumdrum60 · 15/10/2014 23:22

Men who use porn and see escorts begin to see their wives in a different way maybe and the wife picks up on the vibe ? Men think if they have compartmentalised then no one will know but it's bound to bring tension into the marriage. To be honest i think these men just want an excuse to carry on. Otherwise they'd stop and talk to their wives . Selfish.

Drumdrum60 · 15/10/2014 23:24

And ignorant of the harm they're causing their families . Unhappy dw then unhappy dc.

writtenguarantee · 15/10/2014 23:30

whoa drumdrum60. there's an absolute world of difference between looking at porn (something virtually all men do at some point) and sneaking in visits with prostitutes behind your wife's back.