Anyone here who's found out their OH uses prostitutes?

[BGuns]

I would really appreciate speaking to anyone who has found themselves in the same situation as I have very recently.

Good for you, spiders

My EX used prostitutes for a few years.
He told me he agreed that I would do anything he wanted in the bedroom except be someone else

He spent a lot of 15 years telling me i was stupid fat and ugly and that no-one else would put up with me.

He used to tell me what he'd done with the prostitutes then laugh at me and ridicule me for crying.

I slowly came to the realisation that I didn't want my DC to think that was a normal relationship.

The final straw was when my DGM was dying and I had been to the hospice to visit her.. He came to pick me up at 10pm and then drove home through the red light district pointing out the women he had had sex with and telling me what they'd done. I just felt numb, but something snapped.

The next day I bought a tin of (expensive!) dog food and made him pie chips and peas for when he got in from work..
X- ''This pie tastes a bit strange''
Me- ''Its that new gravy you wanted to try, it was on offer. But I'll take it back tomorrow and complain!''

And I sat and watched him eat his tea while I was pretending to watch the telly!

That was about 10 years ago now but it still took a couple of years after the dog food pie to break free of him!

He was very cruel in many ways to me and DC and also vile about the women he had sex with.

So, OP, I think any man who has sex with prostitutes is vile and has little or no respect for women in general

But.. I'll never not chuckle when I think of the dog food pie!

My STBXH used prostitutes.
I loved the poster who said it's a success story when you leave them!

I don't think an affair vs prostitutes is a black or white better or worse situation. Depends on the whole picture, on your individual feelings.
I think I'd have been more hurt by an affair... But less outraged and more understanding. Which is not to say I'd have accepted an affair. But I do feel that normal decent people get tempted and have affairs. Normal decent people do not use prostitutes.

It's only one example, but I happen to know that my ex was booking pristitutes again 6 weeks into his next relationship. Clearly hadn't been affected by marriage breakdown and how much he had hurt me.
I just think it takes a certain kind of arsehole to cheat on you with a prostitute and that kind of arsehole won't change.

I'm not sure what you want to hear OP. How all the time you stay with then your stomach turns more and more at what they did? The anger boiling over after little things (dishes not done) because the water table if anger is so damn high, so near the surface? Do you want to hear about how damn TIRING it is when EVERY time they go out, or are slightly late home from work, you're left wondering?

It's a shit way to live, love. Been there, done it, dumped the bastard, very happy.
Like I say - he's cheating on his new girlfriend too. He's not going to change, and neither will yours.

Have been to speak to someone at Relate by myself but obviously they are there to help you save your marriage.

Did you really go to Relate and get encouraged to save your marriage? I know they have some awful counsellors and am sorry if you got one of those. It's certainly not their mission to save marriages or advise women to put up with cheating partners who see women as off-the-shelf purchases.

I don't believe there is any user of prostitutes who doesn't see all women as commodities. This was the thing I found unacceptable. I polished up my views on the wider issue much later.

FWIW, I have uttered the following sentence: "You mean you forked out over £2,000 to tell a 19-year-old in glittery knickers all about our marriage problems?" I believe he did, too, the sad twat. Sums up his emotional capacities.

So where are you at, OP? Just found this out? How long? Have you matched up timelines - events, expenses, awaydays? Have you told anyone in real life?

Thanks Anyfucker, you were on my original thread. There are low times when I miss him but every time I think of him paying women for sex or even just fantasising about it I know there's no way in a million years I could contemplate going near him again.
And the kind of sex we were having, the boundaries of mine he was pushing. I dread to think what he was paying those women to do or to have done to them. He is definitely a woman hater, a mysoginisit in the true sense of the word and I think that any man who uses prostitutes must hate women, it's vile. Foul .
I was at a very low place when I got with him and I ended up in an even lower place during the relationship.
So glad I found out about his proclivities. I know that I will rise up from this feeling stronger and glad to be on my own, concentrating on me and my children and showing them how to love themselves, respect themselves and not settle for bullshit.

Amen

Normal decent people do not use prostitutes

I just want to add... Some of the men described here, see to have behaved consistently as out and out bastards.
I think there's a danger that you can read that and think, if you have an other wise "nice" man, that you can get through it.

My ex was Mr Nice. I was the dominant one. In life, and in sex.

He looked at me all sorrowful when caught.
But I'll say it again - it took 6 weeks max before he started up again with prostitutes when with his new girlfriend.

It's a certain type of arsehole that does this, don't be fooled into thinking yours will change because he's otherwise nice.

I work as a prostitute (I hope that my posting on your thread doesn't offend you OP). Thought I'd give a perspective on this.

I can understand the posters saying that all men who visit prostitutes are disgusting and vile and manipulative knowingly paying the women and gay males at times too , when they know most of us don't have the choice for whatever reason or another.

At least a good 60% of the clients of me and most women I know - men both single and attached - are horrible and manipulative creatures with zero respect for women and huge egos - a minority are even dangerous, stalkers and violent towards us to the point of rape.

It's not a pleasant industry but unfortunately the world isn't all rose tinted specs and people fall through the cracks.

The other 40% or so of clients are the ok married type. Working girls don't like servicing them since we don't really want to be there we need/want the money, but they are the least-unpleasant put it that way. They are usually after a quick release without the emotional ties of an affair and damage to their marriage. They are polite, respectful of our boundaries (yes prostitutes have boundaries lol what we will and won't do regards to services and so on), and easy to deal with. Not as scary as some of the other types can be.

The reason those types resonated with me when I read this thread on here, was that I genuinely don't believe these guys realise that what they are doing is damaging for most of the women they pay. This is BECAUSE - and I'll be blunt with you here - the industry puts on a shiny and happy veneer - think "Belle du Jour" et al and the working girls obviously we need to put on an act that we are ok and happy with what we do in our work , because well if we didn't we would lose money that we NEED. In most cases need to make ends meet.

If a husband is a decent man in every other way - non abusive, works hard for the family, does his share of household and family duties, is a good spouse and father generally, he is probably one of the types above and not the sinister type.

It's still cheating - the same as an affair is cheating - and obviously it's wrong to deceive one's partner, however it's not as sinister as the actual real woman-haters out there who we have to deal with on a regular basis sadly.

There are a subset of men who use prostitutes who are genuinely unaware of what it really means - they have bought into the belle du jour and they are the "as long as she's independent and not trafficked she's just doing it for a bit of easy money no harm done" brigade.

I'd wager a guess having met literally thousands and thousands of these men (obviously!) that they are weak and spineless men sometimes, and always misguided. But not evil or sinister or perverted.

I'm so sorry to all of you on this thread going though or having gone through in the past finding out your SO was unfaithful and deceitful. I know how you feel I've had the same happen to me prior to this work and I understand how horrible it is. Hope you can figure out a way to happiness either with or without your spouses whichever is best for you.

Cookie I am sure you are right with the "weak spineless" and ignorant group.
My ex is in there. Too dim and selfish to really care about the reality of prostitution, would think his prostitute was happy with her choice.
He wasn't evil, sinister, a pervert. I don't think he hates women.
I think he's a selfish, greedy thick man.

But... I really believe that every single one of those in the wrk group knows that:

• you are not supposed to cheat on your partner
• your partner will be pretty fucking upset by it

They are not evil people, but they are not decent people.

If you met my ex, as a customer - he'd be an easy one. Polite to you. Generous possibly. Non threatening.
But, no matter his outward behaviour, he - and those like him - are simply not good, decent men.

I don't think we believe they are all mad axemen, Cookie (good thing for you, innit?!) but they are, as you say, spineless or misguided - and it goes without saying they see women as disposable commodities, because that's how they're using you. They might kid themselves they see "women in my life" as a different type of human than "women I pay to shag" but, even in doing that, they commodify us all. You have different attitudes to your Bag For Life and your Mulberry Kensington, but they're still both objects that you use for a purpose.

I understand you know all this - thank you for posting - but wanted to clarify the business about the dumb married ones not being so bad. 'Not an axe murderer' isn't much of a compliment!

I'd say they all rape you, actually, since consent that had to be paid for isn't freely given, obviously. But that's a politically grey area, often discussed in FWR :)

Cookie - thanks for your post. I hope it helps the OP.

I have to say that I disagree that even the "decent" 40% are really that decent. It takes a particular type of person to buy another human like a commodity. You mention them buying into the "Belle du jour" crap. Well I can see that - but they only buy into it because it is convenient for them, and they can use it to justify what they are doing.

I know everyone has different views on this, (which is why I advised the OP to consider her own personal views earlier on), but if I had to make the choice between the two, I would prefer for my partner to have an affair with a colleague or whatever, rather than use prostitutes. Don't get me wrong, they are both horrific, but I whilst an affair would be heartbreaking and more "personal", at least it would be with a willing person who actually has the choice of whether or not to be involved with him. If it was with a prostitute...it would just be a whole other level of immorality and entitlement.

Some men actually believe they are having a relationship with the prostitute they use regularly. WTAF ? All they've got in common is sex. Now that's been established the man can relax in he company. Take her on business trips. Have conversations. Buy her presents. Again, WTAF ?

It seems some men who turn up at the agreed place and time like to be greeted and fussed over by the sexworker. Then talk about their day while she pays attention and listens. Then the (agreed and paid for) touching starts. Probably might take a shower ? Either to clean him up or part of the experience, I don't know.

The man knows she is acting. He knows he's paying her to act interested ? enthusiastic ? for him. He knows he's a customer. But still he expects a good experience and will return another day to pay for it all over again. Booked sexworkers are considered to be a better class of paid sex than common streetwalkers. Oh well, that's alright then.

Then the man goes home to his wife or girlfriend. Who is he hating ? The sexworker ? His partner ?

My exh used prostitutes.

It came out after he left my friend said her brother had told her When he and my ex had taken a trip to Brum together.

So glad he's my ex.

I would never have forgiven him if it had come out while we were together. He would have been right out on his sorry ass.

I'm sorry that you are in such a profession Cookie and I hope you see the light at the end of the tunnel and kick these losers to the kerb.

laura I would say 99% of the men who use pre-booked sex workers expect to be fawned over and fussed.

This is why women who say it is "just about the sex" are so far of the mark. It actually ISN'T just about the sex. A lot of these men come specifically so that they can feel they are the centre of somebodies attention. That they are fascinating, special individuals that can utterly captivate a woman's attention. It used to always strike e me how universal this desire was, and it didn't seem to matter how much/little the man was paying for the encounter...he still wanted to be treated like a king!

That is actually the worst bit of the job to be honest. I found it utterly degrading having to pretend I was charmed by a man I secretly despised. You will find most sex workers will say the same thing. I had many chats with other WG's where we would say the job would be much easier if the man just came in, and (apologies for being crude) stuck it in. Having to pretend to be interested in men who you would happily through out of the window is utterly spirit crushing.

I have posted about my ex on here before, but I found out he was using escorts. On the surface, a lovely, honest guy (a police man so v. respected) I became ill after a cancer scare and couldn't have sex while I recovered from the surgery. My ex couldn't handle seeing me ill / me being dependent on him / emotionally needy / not shagging him.... and decided using escorts was better than an affair or waiting for me to recover. When I found out I was so worn down that I agreed he could continue as I was desperate not to lose him on top of everything else that was going on at that point in my life.

I became obsessed with checking his internet history / emails / texts. I was paranoid, felt horrific about myself and started feeling like I was going mad trying to make sense of it. He eventually left me a few months later after having an affair anyway.

I wish I had had the self confidence to have chucked him out straight away, for all I judge him for his actions, I have to hold myself accountable too - I knew what he was doing and I condoned it. I have to live with knowing that I behaved that way too.

Silly, poor you, when you were at your weakest he took full advantage, what a horrible, horrible man, don't be too hard on yourself, it's easy for us to say what we would do but when faced with it, it's sometimes not so easy.

You have NOTHING to be accountable for silly the blame lies completely with your ex.

I used to have a client who used to come and see my before going to the hospital...to visit his wife who was dying from cancer.

It haunts me to this day.

Oh yes I hate the ones who need major ego-fawning. Most working girls have enough stress and problems in their lives - we don't need the extra emotional strain of acting like we are fascinated by someone who , actually, we mean nothing to them and vice versa. It's the strangest kind of disconnect. Fake-intimacy. The really seasoned types the ones who leave reviews are the ones who can really expect the ego treatment and also can get really angry if they don't get it.

I hope the OP is OK.

For me it doesn't matter if it was a prositute or an OW, for him to have sex with somebody else is a huge breach of trust.

Sex is something DH do together, nobody else has access to my body like that.

I couldn't live with a man knowing I wasn't enough for him.

push the sky

Thanks. I enjoyed reading your explanation. I don't get it why they can't that sort of interest/fawning from a new relationship. I guess if the guy is in a relationship it's just to much trouble to break it up.

The men that use sex workers - it doesn't seem to occur to them that they are only getting the time they have paid for.

Some counsellors have a lovely manner, that's because they are counsellors and it's unlikely that you would see them socially. On and off for a couple of years I had the services of a Personal Trainer. I only saw his good side when he was being professional. Hell, for money-per-hour I could be someone's friendly, kind, coach ! Did he ever phone me between paid for coaching sessions to ask how I was and could he see me ? God no. My husband might not have been to keen on that idea either.

So, a bloke that pays for sex from a booked escort expects her to fawn all over him for about the first 15 minutes of the session. Then there's more pretence so the sexual encounter can start. Would that be right ? It's like dating in the early part of a relationship only the guy using a sexworker knows that sex is guaranteed because he has paid. He sure as hell hasn't paid for her to turn him down.

Apparently there's an etiquette as to when the money is handed over i.e. at the beginning of the session or after. Blokes seem to be not very impressed if she counts the money to make sure it's correct.

stargirl04 -

yep, I've read those online reviews of working girls too. Like you, it was a revelation. Especially remarks like, 'I'd use her again'. Basically that punter got good service and is likely to be repeat business.

Also they comment on how easy it was to find the address and what the parking was like. As if they were going to the dentist !

Phrases like, 'at the beginning of the punt' to describe how that particular session got started. It defies belief, well, to the uninitiated anyway.

Just want to add my feelings to this debate FWIW. Feel free to castigate me afterwards.

I am married and have been for 7 years. 5 of those happy enough.

My wife gave birth to twins 3 years ago, since then she has had some problems down below that make it painful to have sex. Initially she went to the doctors and did exercises and had a numbing cream she is supposed to put on 30 minutes before sex. To cut a long story short she never puts it on, and the times we do have sex ( about 10 times in the last 3 years) it is painful and awkward for her. It feels I might as well be raping her for the lack of pleasure it gives both of us.

I have a high sex drive which I keep intact with porn. I want more than this though. I now live in a sexless marriage and I am really depressed by it.

For what I see I have 2 choices ,
1 an affair for sex only, very unlikely as I work 14 hours a day, and also very unlikely to find a woman who wants just that.

1. 1 hour with an escort for a release. Very very occasionally .

Just for the record, I love my wife but my wife never initiates sex or closeness for that matter, an escort does for 1 hour. That is why most married men go to escorts.

John, I'm in a similar marriage and would never countenance paying for sex. I'd rather divorce, see my kids far less and live in a bedside eating cold beans out of a tin than go down that route.

But thats just me YMMV.