Anyone here who's found out their OH uses prostitutes?

[BGuns]

I would really appreciate speaking to anyone who has found themselves in the same situation as I have very recently.

John, what's the reason you need to keep your high sex drive intact? Have you ever thought that using porn might be de-sensitising you to normal, human intimacy?

You missed off Option 3, which is just don't have sex. I would have thought most people, men and women, just indulge in a bit of DIY when they're feeling the urge and have no consenting partner.

If you need to use porn to have a wank, you're creating a fake situation. It's really not necessary - there's no law saying you must have X number of orgasms per week

I am genuinely interested in what people think is the most workable option for those in sexless marriages.

I don't think John should use prostitutes, but an affair seems unworkable too due to the emotional involvement and lying/sneaking around, both of which will hurt his DW.

So does John have to put up with no sex for the next 40 years, or does his wife have to have painful sex?

Or is there a third option where they agree mutually John can have sex with other women (no strings attached - although I know that's not straight forward to achieve) so that he can have a sex life but also stay with his wife and children and maintain that family unit and life?

The only other option is to divorce, but that seems harsh because I'm sure John and his DW love each other and want to be together - they just can't make this one part of their life work together...

?

John....if by no 'closeness' you mean hugs and kisses then your marriage is having problems and you need to work on your marriage or split. I'd say that is your primary concern, not the lack of sex.

But women who are trying to avoid sex (and quite rightly in John's DW's case as it's really painful for her) also avoid closeness... because they are worried that is sending a signal that she is up for it, and she clearly isn't. So she may want to do cuddles and kisses, but is afraid to.

Garlic, Option 3 is where I'm at, right now, for the last two and a bit years. Before you extol the virtues (with a cheeky little smilie) of enforced celibacy, perhaps try it.
Try going to bed with the person you love in the full knowledge that if you try to initiate some intimate contact you'll be rejected.
Try laying there, with memories of her hands wandering, making you feel special, then realise it's not going to happen tonight. Just like it didn't happen last night, or the night/month/year/2 years before. And it won't happen tomorrow. Or, possibly, ever again.
Try a nice meal, a weekend away, a romantic gesture, a decade of support for the lifestyle she's wanted, and still be the loneliest you've ever been. Depression, loneliness, the longing to be touched again, think where your mind might take you.
Then think about calling it a day, seek a new life. Think of what you'll lose.
A daughter who you put to bed six nights out of seven. Who you winded after all those overnight feeds when she was breastfeeding, and bottle fed when she moved on. All those bedtime stories, and more lately, since she's older, those bedtime chats as you tuck her in.
Then imagine that everyday, full life with your little one reduced to every other weekend, because that's what the solicitor says, because you've worked full time to raise a family, while DW works part time. She's took the employment risks you couldn't in the early years, and can now earn more pt than you do ft. Because employers understand a woman's need to tailor hours around a school run, so she'll get custody.
Then think "where the fuck so I go now".
Sorry to thread hijack, but the idea of put up with it or divorce so often advised on here is rather depressing.

Minus, I'm in long-term 'enforced' celibacy because I'm single - it's astonishingly easy! I totally agree with you about the misery of sharing a bed with a partner who doesn't particularly want you to be there, but that's a signal for divorce. It's about a failed relationship, not a failed sex life. The world's full of people who have physically close & intimate relationships without PIV sex.

As other posters are pointing out, if normal closeness and affection have left the building then THAT is the problem. The absence of any sort of sex is its symptom.

That's true Garlic, the problem is that it is assumed that closeness and affection and a sex life are linked quite closely. Rejection of one so closely follows rejection of the other, particularly in monogamous relationships.

That's what I'm getting at too Minus - it seems horribly unfair to say "no sex" or "divorce and lose your children". Those are stark terms to be faced with.

I don't know what the answer is. But I do wonder if one day my DH will find sex elsewhere because my libido is nowhere near his. We do have sex 1-2 times a week, so it's nothing like your situation, but he would be happier with every night, so he already feels he is making a compromise (and he does understand - we have 3 children under 6, 2 full time jobs and a busy life - so sex is not really top of my agenda a lot of the time).

Boobz has it right - not just about sex, it's the closeness. And the lack of closeness, because that might give an impression that something else may follow, which DW doesn't want to encourage .
I love my wife dearly, I know she loves me, but for reasons (many and varied) she has gone off sex totally.
And being single, you can go looking for it whenever you wish, guilt free. So it's not quite the same, really. Sorry if my post appeared off, Garlic, it's just the smilie set me off a tad, like, "oh yeah, just go without, it's alright :-) "
That, and a recent thread about a woman whose fella won't touch her / go down on her, and the bloke is getting rather a kicking ("selfish twat", it's "all about him", he "should go down on you every fucking day" are a few choice quotes - and actually I agree with them!). But were a man to post saying his partner doesn't go down on him or have sex enough, every reply seems to be "it's her right never to have sex with you again if that's what she wants". Which, again, is true... But hardly constructive or helpful (and it takes a bit to pluck up courage for a man to post on a 99% female board - sometimes help beats a kicking, even if you just acknowledge our venting).

Cross posted with you there Boobz

John, if I had to anaesthetise myself to have sex I would never do it again. I hope you do not pressure your wife for penetrative sex. In your situation, your wife should continue to seek medical help for the vaginal problems and in the meantime there are many ways you can have a sexual relationship that do not involve PIV.

Ok fair enough AF - in John's case it's a medical problem rather than libido, and therefore in theory they can still have a nice "sex" life which involves everything but penetration (...in theory... but I can imagine in practice that is going to be hugely frustrating for John!)...

But what about those who don't want to be sexually active in bed.... they're happy for kisses and cuddles to show affection as part of every day life, but don't want to have a (non PIV) sexual relationship in bed (because they have low libido)... what does the denied partner do then?

Put up or leave. The LD partner has all the power, they have to.

Hobson's choice.

Then John might have to get it into his poor manly head that sex is not a synonym for penetration

KIH sums it quite nicely.

Or should I say "neatly". I don't think it is "nice" at all. Sorry for lazy use of language there.

What is LD?

No sex for 40+ years, or leave your family.

Seems a bit rubbish.

Sorry should've explained, in non sexually compatible relationships there is usually a low drive (LD) partner and high drive (HD) partner.

It is rubbish, but there isn't really room for compromise unless one of the partners has sex without wanting to. Not a healthy situation really.

Of course there is always the affair/open marriage/prostitution routes as mentioned already. Then again I reckon they're more rubbish than the other two options!

Of course if you've thought of any other option I'm all ears.

Boobz I have noticed you ask the question "shouldn't it be ok for a man to seek sex outside of his marriage if he feels he isn't getting enough within it" twice now on two separate threads

looking at your post upthread, 1-2 times a week seems more than reasonable to me, at your family's stage in life/level of frenetic busyness that is involved etc

are you coming under pressure to agree to agree to those terms ? if so, your H is bang out of order IMO

I have no sex drive atm, but that linked to my depression and anxiety.

If DH felt he needed more out of the relationship because of lack of sex. Then that's his problem.

I wouldn't restrict access with our 2 children.

But he doesn't care about the lack of sex. He loves every other part of our relationship.

Tbh I think it quite sad that a man would leave his home, partner and children because he couldn't get his leg over.

You've got a good one there Piper. I wish I felt the same as him.

To be fair, you last sentence doesn't display any empathy.

Im a woman in a sexless marriage but i would never ever use a male escort. Why on earth would i want sex intimacy closeness and affection with someone who doesnt want that with me.

Its always assumed in most cases that its the woman with the low/no sex drive. But thats not always the case.

And if it keeps being assumed that its ok in society for a man to seek sex outside of a sexless marriage then why is it not assumed to be ok for a woman.

Because in these so called enlightened times it is still assumed that women dont like sex really so its not considered as important when a husband stops showing affection.
And mens needs are considered to be more important otherwise there wouldnt be the whole porn/prostitution industry.

Incidentally i could not be with a man who uses prostitutes. (i even hate phrasing it this way)

And more women are entering the industry for economic reasons. In the last 4 years the number of young women entering the industry due to cutbacks in benefits and wages has increased. There was a young MNer who has exited the industry who told me this on another thread.

So men going to prostitutes are taking advantage of a woman who has no choice if she wants to pay her rent or feed her children. Because with the way things are going food banks alone wont acheive that.