Anyone here who's found out their OH uses prostitutes?

[BGuns]

I would really appreciate speaking to anyone who has found themselves in the same situation as I have very recently.

Frankly I think John's argument is slightly academic. He doesn't want to leave his wife because he doesn't want to be without his children...what does he think will happen if his wife finds out he gets his kicks with an escort.

We are all entitled to make choices for ourselves however the line being used here is to refer responsibility to the spouse for not wanting sex. If John or others like him wish to visit 'escorts'...does it sound less seedy for them, then they are actively making that choice it is absolutely nothing to do with his wife, and if I were she I would be v.angry that this was the justification being used.

I don't think honest, loyal and faithful people do think it's alright for men to seek sex outside of marriage, the ones doing it probably do.

People will exploit anything, sex being the easiest and quickest way to make money, I really hope it's not out of any feeling from society that this is A ok.

There will be some women using men for sex, not as many as men for sure but still not right.

Surely in this day and age anyone with an ounce of sense knows women enjoy sex just as much as men do, we do have a clitoris after all.

There are plenty of alternative solutions but one that delegates physical intimacy to a third party, whether paid for or not, breaks the basic rule of fidelity that marriage (or long term committed partnership) usually stands for. There are plenty of alternative lifestyles that break that rule but I always get the impression that one party is more keen on the lifestyle than the other.... leaving the door wide open to coercion and sexual abuse.

and those alternative solutions are...

sassysister It seems like you did something that works for you and your family and your relationship. I hope it works out for you, no matter what people here are saying.

We sat down and discussed it and in the end up we agreed to have an open relationship discreetly. He uses extra marital dating sites so he knows everyone he is meeting is in the same situation. I created a profile on one (IE) but couldn't go through with it.
I love him and I would rather have him 90% of the time rather than him visiting a hooker coming home with goodness only knows what!

I would love to believe this was a decision that is making you happy Sassy, he must feel he is in wonderland.

How can you love a man (a mere mortal) more than yourself - I just don't get it.

I am genuinely interested in what people think is the most workable option for those in sexless marriages.

I don't think John should use prostitutes, but an affair seems unworkable too due to the emotional involvement and lying/sneaking around, both of which will hurt his DW.

someone above said he shouldn't even use porn, not have sex, and there is no rule he should have an orgasm X times a week. Yeah, very workable...

I too am curious. What's the solution for John? he says he loves his wife and wants to preserve his marriage.

YY Jan i agree. But we have a long way to go before mens needs and womens needs are considered to be equal.

Men dont get slut shamed. Women do. Men dont get called frigid Women do.

Its women who are labelled in this way when it comes to sex.

I don't think honest, loyal and faithful people do think it's alright for men to seek sex outside of marriage, the ones doing it probably do.

I do (if it's consensual).

Sadly I agree Darkest.

@Darkesteyes I don't think it's only ok for men to seek sex outside a marriage. It's ok for a woman to as well. if all parties are consenting of course.

you are right that women get slut shamed and men don't. That's unfortunate but slowly changing.

I am failing to see a solution that works while retaining monogamy if you have one person that wants sex and the other doesn't. We only have one life to live, and it's unfortunate to think that some are not having a basic need met because they can't break out of the traditional relationship model.

John, in your case, I'm afraid if my partner was refusing to seek help I'd be thinking about splitting up - in most cases the type of discomfort you describe your wife suffering from is actually treatable, it may of course be psychological, but the longer it goes untreated, the harder it will be to resolve.
I don't know but unless she is willing to address it then you are basically being told to accept a relationship with no intimacy/sex - I'd not accept that, I'd not look for sex elsewhere either as I couldn't hurt someone like that - I'd feel the only alternative would be to move on from said relationship.

The thing that gets to me is the cherry picking. The way that society cherry picks the vows it deems most important like fidelity and then metaphorically shoves the other vows like "with my body i thee worship" under the carpet and pretends that vow doesnt exist. No one has the right to expect or coerce anyone into sex, but to deny a spouse affection over many years and then insist they have to give up that side of life because you dont want it is cruel and controlling. And its not just the sexual act either. In many cases the affection and emotional connection disappears too.

someone above said he shouldn't even use porn, not have sex, and there is no rule he should have an orgasm X times a week. Yeah, very workable...

I asked why he feels he must maintain his 'high sex drive'. He didn't answer.
It sounds like he sees his libido as an over-geared car, which will seize up if he doesn't burn it down a motorway three times a week.

I said that if, as he wrote, he's using porn to 'maintain' this libido of his, then I suggest he's creating a problem (I said a fake situation.) Since you seem to have trouble understanding this - he's using porn to wank more frequently, in the cause of maintaining his high sex drive.

That looks pointless to me. There is no minimum level of orgasms. Why employ masturbation aids to achieve a certain level? One a week, one a month, none a month: they're all acceptable; whatever comes naturally.

I pointed out that nearly everybody masturbates if they get the urge and no appropriate consenting partner's available. Also that there are other forms of sex than PIV. I would say they're the solutions for John.

What's your solution?

Darkest and Jan - mismatched libido and/or sexual preference is a basic incompatibility. It's an acceptable ground for divorce.

Nobody has a right to sex - nobody. Equally, nobody's obliged to stay in an incompatible marriage.

Agree Darkest.

Agree Darkest.

@Garlic I am not going to put words in his mouth, but I think he probably meant "service" rather than "maintain". he has a high sex drive; i think he is just saying he needs to somehow deal with it. I will let him clarify, but I think maintain is the wrong word.

Yes, he can try not PIV. but not if his wife is off sex totally.

the problem is, if you give someone an ultimatum, they may take it and return the choice you don't like. if he's being told no sex forever, then he and she have to make a choice. preserve the marriage with him having a fling outside it, breaking up, or he's going to have to suck it up. it doesn't sound like he will be happy with the latter. if i was in his boat (or his wife's) I would pick the first one.

Completely agree Garlic. 4 years ago my husband told me to "do what i need to do but be discreet about it" He doesnt want anything to do with sex which includes facing it or talking about it

Its been 18 years since hes touched me and hes been ill for the last 8 and a half years.

Garlic you are one of those Mners who have been very kind and supportive when ive talked about it on here.

it's a rum do when we have to edit a bloke's use of language for him to make it look even slightly better

AF

Hi everyone

I have completely hijacked this thread. That wasn't my intention.

First of all thank you for all your comments I have read them all carefully.

I know I am a bastard for cheating in probably the worst way, so thank you for going easy on me.

I love my wife and have never intensionally forced her to do anything and never would. I am tired of suggesting other things (oral other things etc)because she is just not interested anymore :-(

I am going to try to talk to her about how I feel .

The escort thing is not emotional at all, it is as one poster put it an hour with a personal trainer and a "release"

I can not and will not accept a no sexless (penetrative or other ) marriage .

Separation or divorce is not high on my list of solutions either as chances of self employed people getting a mortgage are very small. And the thought of eating cold baked beans in a bed sit and not seeing my children for birthdays and Xmas does not fill me with joy.

Also just another point , it is easier for woman to have an affair because on certain websites the men out number the woman 50 to 1. The woman have loads of men to choose from . Ps I have never joined any if those sites it looks like an industry ready to fleece the desperate.

an industry ready to fleece the desperate

and yet John, you are a user of the sex industry

you couldn't make it up

@written guarantee I agree I do have a high sex drive and I also agree I do need to look into that. But my wife now has no sex drive and does not ever start any sort of sexual contact. That I can't accept. So porn is my only regular substitute, which agree is pathetic.

boobz my apologies. I see you have asked the same question twice on this thread, not two separate threads as I stated earlier.

John, sorry but that just sounds a poor excuse to carry on shagging on the side, baked beans in a bedsit, really?

Try renting.

Its easier for a woman? With all the slut shaming of women that goes on . Really????