Anyone here who's found out their OH uses prostitutes?

[BGuns]

I would really appreciate speaking to anyone who has found themselves in the same situation as I have very recently.

Hi OP, i have been through this, we have been separated for 4 months now and there's no going back it was a dealbreaker for me, myself and dcs are doing good though now, please feel free to pm me if i can help x

Interesting. I've told h I don't want any physical relationship and he has asked how I would feel if he went to a prostitute.

Jesus Christ cariad

Just a different perspective on this...
Many men visit prostitutes because they find view it as the only nsa way to have sex outside of their relationship.

I'm in an open relationship, however I agree with Koalakoo imo it would be easier to deal with (and therefore easier to move on from) than an affair. The working girl he has chosen means nothing to him and vice versa.

No, Men visit prostitutes because they have a fundamental flaw in their personality that makes them believe it is OK to buy an unwilling woman's body for an hour or two.

At least when a man has an affair he is going with a woman who is there of her own free will. When a man visits a WG; he is getting a woman to perform the most intimate of services, and deep down (even though he might deny it to make himself seem less of a vile creep) he KNOWS that woman is only there for cash. Just to make it worse, he expects her to act as if she is enjoying herself in order to soothe his own feelings of disgust and guilt.

Men who visit prostitutes do not deserve understanding, and they do not deserve another chance. Ever.

nc for this

I work with women involved in prostitution and having seen first hand the emotional, physical an spiritual damage the men who buy these women's bodies inflict, I could never forgive this in a partner.

it shows a fundamental ability to treat a human being as a piece of meat. it's a total deal breaker.

Prostitutes are someone's daughter, sister, wife reduced to this for money - people who use them are morally degraded, selfish, inhuman. Users have a choice - good or evil - how hard is it? They need to own the sin and redeem themselves - counselling is good maybe - but the innocent affected deserve the most support.

There wouldn't be prostitution if there were no customers.

Wow.

An affair is worse because the sex is linked to emotional attachment. Worse because 'normal' human emotions are involved. It's better to be dealing with, be married to a man who can reduce sex to buying something. Using a faceless body. Wanking into someone who could be hating every minute of it - and probably is.

That is a very, very odd definition of 'better'.

I'd rather a thousand times see my husband have an affair than find out he was the kind of scum that could get hard and penetrate someone who was letting him do it for cash.

Cariad - I rather think that most people with some notion of decent human behaviour will see your story as a negative one, not a positive one.

OP -I guess I was hoping for some success stories of people who have got through this but I know how unlikely that is

• no, it's very likely. You've had several. Puzzledandpissedoff is a great example of a success story in this situation - someone who has got through this, kept her dignity and refused to compromise her sense of humanity, and got rid of the slime from her life.

People like to use the "prostitution is just a financial transaction" line a lot, but it is not simply that.

Do you think the man goes there, and just bangs away whilst the woman lies still with cold, dead hate in her eyes? No, she has to fawn, she has to flatter, she has to pretend she is having the best time ever. Why does she do this? Because for the men who visit her, an orgasm alone is not enough. The woman has to go through the humiliating routine of pretending she is loving what she does to soothe his pathetic ego, and deflect his potential anger at her over his own vast inadequacies.

How anybody can say this is 'better' than an affair is truly beyond me.

Yes, a few years ago. I was too frightened to leave, I now see I was manipulated and financially abused. He started therapy but didn't stick with it. This year I discovered he was still seeing them and we're now going through a very nasty divorce - he doesn't understand why I won't give him another chance, after all I forgave him once (I didn't).

I don't understand how visiting prostitutes is preferable to an affair. I think it's human to be so charmed by someone you'd find yourself going too far. Spending evenings deciding which prostitute to book, as if you're buying a new kettle, is abhorrent.

The only success story involves you kicking him out.

It seems that this post has turned into a moral slant on prostitution which is not what the op wants or needs. Prostitution can be highly exploitive of women but it can also be a way for some women, who openly choose to do it, to make money, and quite often a very serious amount of money.
I think men generally are much more able to categorise sex into a compartment of their lives. A basic function that needs servicing. They often see it as no different to going to a restaurant for a meal when they are hungry ie an itch that needs scratching.
This op knows how revolting prostitution can be, she really doesn't need us to reiterate it. She needs some hope that she can come through this rotten period in her life (whether or not her marriage can survive this.)
I wonder just how many men are visiting prostitutes? How many of our DH or DP are sneaking off for a bit of paid pleasure and whether or not we would really have any idea about his 'other life'?
To me if DP went to a prostitute I would view it as more sordid definitely but would view an affair, with real emotions involved, probably more damaging in some ways because it would have involved his heart as well as his dick.

Exactly lanadelray It is the thought of women being reduced to commodities to be bought which I find the worst part of it all.

Well done for finding the strength to get rid of your husband. I only hope that the OP eventually finds the resources to do the same.

I believe that very few men who are discovered to be see WG's actually stop. They have already compartmentalised their lives to such a degree that they just resolve to cover their tracks more carefully in the future. After all it is the wife's fault they are there at all really. If only she was more "fun" and wore more stockings. They just wouldn't need to go then...

Whoever thinks an affair is better or preferable to someone visiting prostitutes should get their head checked.

But at least he'd have a heart heyday. I know my STBXH wasn't concerned whether his were "happy hookers". How can you recover from that?

Thank you Push. Yes he didn't change, just pretended to while making a better effort to cover his tracks. Well rid.

You posted for those to get in touch, but instead you get the usual opinionated posts that aren't what you wanted.

Hope this thread at least prompts a couple of people who have been through it in person to get in touch by PM as the mumsnet mob is enough to put anyone off coming out publicly.

Cariadcariad I admire your bravery to put yourself in the firing line and make a public declaration. It's no wonder so many issues aren't discussed fully, even on an anonymous forum.

I believe the OP can come through this heyday just not with her husband.

The men are more basic argument also makes me feel ill. Are men born with less innate compassion? Less ability to see right from wrong? Of course they aren't. They are however born into a society that continues to hold men less accountable for their actions, and makes excuses for their shoddy behaviour. They just can't help it after all can they?

I used to work in the sex industry, and the answer to your question of how many men use prostitutes is "fucking loads of them" Does quantity make it any less abhorrent?

At least a man who has an affair still has a heart in there some were. I would question whether a man who uses prostitutes does...

I am not "being opinionated" Joysmum I am expressing an opinion. An opinion which I think I have every right to; especially given my first hand experience.

I am sorry for the OP. I cannot begin to imagine what she is going through, and it is not my intention to make her feel worse. I just believe that she deserves better than a life spent worrying every time her husband is late home for work, and beating herself up that she "wasn't good enough". Is any man (or person) worth that? I really don't think so. I am angry on her behalf.

The fact is, it is impossible to separate the moral from the emotional fall out here

OP, you are either ok to stay with a man who views women in this way or you are not. It seems some women would put it to one side to stay in the relationship and some would not. Decide which kind of woman you are, and you have your answer.

"the usual opinionated posts "

On a public message board, opinions will be expressed. Prostitution is a highly emotive subject for good reason. The people who engage in it provoke strong reactions. A woman trying to rationalise a husband who has no respect for either her or the women he buys is the epitome of desperation.

To be honest, my ex used very expensive escorts still prostitutes to me however, in his case i think the woman who charged more than i earn in a week for an hour of her 'company' probably is laughing her head off at him and her other 'clients'! Still doesn't make it right and i hope our daughter never finds out!

I doubt she's laughing

She's unlikely to be laughing her head off. Having sex with a man who repels you for money is spirit crushing...no matter how much you are getting paid.

Being a high end escort actually brings it's own set of problems. You are more likely to have men hassle you about not wearing a condom etc, because they "have paid so much for you"

Grim.