"Sister wants to end 7 year dispute with me and family" (I thought about name-changing ).

[smokepole]

I know my posts either intrigue people, or annoy the hell out of them and that I could have name changed for a far balanced thread ,but I have not name changed.

Those that are familiar with me , will know that my family and I fell out with my elder sister , for not helping the family financially when able to do so. For those who don't know she refused to lend parents , or me money (but enough of the past).

Sister has asked if the kids DD1, 2 ,DS and me will go with her family skiing at Christmas in the Chalet they have rented in Austria ( fully paid by her).
Last night in a phone call she apologised in a "heart felt way" for not helping me or the family like an eldest daughter or sister should have done.

I have said the kids will be going on the holiday, I am of course in two minds whether to go ( my brother is having none of this change from his sister). The thing is Mum/Dad have been putting pressure on all of us to make up, Mum is 70 Dad is 74 so you can see why they want us to be a "family again".
Sister has even suggested my EX comes along and shares a " room with me" Mum and Dad would quite like it if me and the EX get back together (despite being Divorced for three years) . I just want to scream at my life that goes from mad- madder every week.

I did not need to post this thread (maybe I should not have based on my previous post). However, since I have told my life story on the previous thread, I might as well continue posting threads.

I do think that, but if you are not able to earn enough money to provide , you are dependant on either family or the state .

It is therefore critical that all my children are able to get an education that enables them a pathway in to careers , which means they don't need support from either family or the state. Those people who say I am obsessed with grade's and schools must understand (maybe a bit OCD looking at University destinations E.T.C) but it's because I am desperate that my children are not in similar position to me surviving on the largesse of family or the benefit system. I am trapped either way dependant on family handouts with "conditions" or by Government whims on benefit and disability funding.

I

Smoke. Listen to everyone on this thread.

YOU CAN GET A JOB
YOU CAN FEND FOR YOURSELF.

You are clearly bright with lots of skills. You clearly has tons of experience but lack confidence and self-esteem.

People can help you with that.

Sign on, ask the GP for some counselling and make a commitment to work towards standing on your own two feet.

You won't have a BMW and a pony and £40k overnight but you will have a future.

??

Borderline just means you have overwhelming emotions. For example, some people can brush off an insulting comment quite quickly and not think about it again. Someone with borderline can get distressed about it and that upset can last hours or sometimes days.
People with borderline are raised in emotionally invalidating environments. This is when someone is told their emotional reactions are somehow incorrect eg shut up, you always over-react.
Borderline causes black and white thinking. It also causes people to idealise and devalue someone. One minute the person is your best friend, next your worst enemy and there is no middle ground. This sounds a bit like your sister who you were getting on well with and now cannot stand her over this money situation.
You probably do not have the full blown disorder as people with that repeatedly self-harm. However I think you have traits based on what you have said. It is treatable and people can make a good recovery from it.

"It is therefore critical that all my children are able to get an education that enables them a pathway in to careers , which means they don't need support from either family or the state."

If you really think a few qualifications can stop you from relying on the state you are very naive. I have a doctorate and ended up on incapacity. Alan Sugar left school with no qualifications and is nearly a billionaire.

You are not dependent on your parents because you do not have 10 GCSEs, you are dependent on them because you are a vulnerable adult and you allow yourself to be put in this position.

Well said that woman.

Smoke. You do yourself down. You are clearly an intelligent, capable woman who has helped run a successful business. Note I did not say "Family business", that is by the by and from what you have said it was no small business and no small feat. Those skills are transferrable, regardless of whether or not you can see that right now.

You have also raised intelligent, capable children. Both of these, despite the fact that your own results were not spectacular. You are now seeking to improve your qualifications. Again credit for that. Your children are all now of an age whereby what is important is not a grade on a sheet which will gather dust but their own drive and determination. It seems to me that you have already instilled that in them and your main role now is to support them and whatever choices they may make.

I wish you could see what you have achieved and your own capabilities and those of your children beyond grades and the type of education they may or may not receive. We all want what is best for our children, that is natural but there is so much more to that than the right schools and grades. Trust yourself, trust your children and enjoy supporting them in their choices.

Having an education is important, but believe me, grades have little to do with being dependent or independent. It's more of a matter of the kind of mindset you have.

And to be honest, the way you are treating your children - as described in other threads - you are essentially GUARANTEEING that they will rebel against you and your impositions and refuse to go to university and even break contact with you.

You have to let them decide about their own lives. And yes, let them make their own mistakes. Otherwise, they will become dependent on you - your puppets - or refuse to have anything to do with you whatsoever.

And also, if you really believe that getting spectacular (or even good) grades guarantees a good job these days - well, think again. There are no guarantees.

What does help, in my experience, is drive and the willingness to work hard and explore new things.

If you really think a few qualifications can stop you from relying on the state you are very naive. I have a doctorate and ended up on incapacity.

This is totally true. I have a postgrad qualification and an income of less than £16K plus disability benefits.

Your very focussed planning for your children's future education does betray your deep fears about them becoming dependant. But I think you are projecting your own experiences onto them. You are not the same as your parents and you will not allow them to believe so low of themselves that they feel all they can do is work with family. You will be able to help them build connections to the outside world, they will not suffer the same conflicting praise/ criticism / conditional love that you experienced at the hands of your family, it's not their education that will make things different for them but your own input into their self-esteem, relationships with the world, letting them go etc.

I don't know about borderline personality disorder and don't think a diagnosis will be critical for your counselling, it would be more about supporting you to be you, to discover what you like and who are you are not just what others like you to do and want you to be. Do you have any hobbies that you love?

Also try to read R D Laing who writes really cleverly about damaging family dynamics and their impact for mental health.

Thank you all for your encouraging words .

I am not expecting a 40k job or anything near that, what I do want though is some-thing worth getting up in the morning for. I don't mean financial rewards by that (however I do have three DC to look after).

Ralthe. I am aware that having the highest academic qualifications does not mean, you will not suffer depression loss of of livelihood and bankruptcy .
You have suffered all three of those, yet you have come out the other end a stronger, wiser and ultimately a better person .

I will certainly be giving considered thought to those courses at Canterbury University that were kindly linked to me.

Blasted. The family business was a medium sized one that employed at its peak 50 full time and 50 part time staff. The best turnover was over £3 million which we achieved 3 times. I learnt many skills in the 22 years working for the business , beginning with selling Ice Creams at 14 to negotiating with banks. The sad thing is nobody wants to employ a ex Director of a family business in any role similar to that. A director of a family business is a niche role and no matter how well you carried out your duties, it does not even register to any future employer.

Finally though I lived in Kent all my life , I don't really know the place because I was always working, when I was not working (4-5 weeks a year).
I would spend with brother up in Manchester/Cheshire, it is perhaps the reason why I think the grass is greener up there. I was enjoying myself rather than working, maybe that has skewed my thinking in wanting to move there.

No reason not to move to somewhere where you have enjoyed yourself previously! Good luck with everything OP.

Manchester is a great place to live. I live on the border of Bolton and Salford and love it

Ralthe. You should have read some of the views about Manchester (Gunchester) Trafford (sewage Farm) on the preceding thread I started.
The general consensus was Manchester and surrounding were as dangerous as Syria and that "It is never sunny in Manchester" HA HA very Funny Cloth Caps anyone . "Do your Live in Barbados then" Answer No we live in Watford! Ralthe you must be some-where near Worsley

I know Manchester and Cheshire very well because I have been coming for 25 years ever since I ran away (Up thread) despite the stupid perception of some posters on here, it is a thriving economically active place with opportunities for anybody. The other thing people forget , good housing and decent schools are available and in many areas housing is affordable, even private school fees are not out of the question for professionals. This is because families are not paying £2000 a month either renting or on mortgage repayments.

Yet go in to Cheshire East and you will see many of the most affluent people in the country (outside of the Square Mile in London) having a great time!. (this statement will of cause, some to sneer) I think some of the London based posters and media want to believe that people north of Watford are living in either fear for their lives or a hand to mouth existence.

What did make me laugh though was at the Conservative party conference when George Osborne made the comment "I am the first Conservative Chancellor from a Northern Constituency" . Well Tatton is not really a "Northern" constituency . The fact was he only got 55% of the vote in that area shows he is not really liked.( Uk Polling report).

I bit of a light hearted ramble about Manchester and Cheshire, but I am sure you agree with most of what I have said.

I moved to Manchester aged 18, to do my nurse training at the Manchester Royal Infirmary - and I have to say that Manchester folk are amongst the most friendly I have ever had the pleasure of meeting!

I did get pretty home-sick - I was not close to my home, and had chosen to move further from home, but was still homesick - and my friends and their families took me under their wings and made me feel at home.

On the day we got our results, all I wanted was a hug from my dad - but because I was working, I had to make do with ringing him and mum - and even though they were so pleased and proud, it wasn't quite the same - so when I went to my friend's house that night, and after hugging her, her dad seized me for a huge hug, it felt amazing.

That's what Manchester people are like!

But have you got options in Manc other than what your brother has lined up for you Smoke?

yes, I think thats important Arsnic as brother seems as if he is still firmly in the family grip

A director of a family business is a niche role and no matter how well you carried out your duties, it does not even register to any future employer.

I would urge you to really challenge some of the views you hold about your employability skills. The statement above is such a sweeping one and isn't true you know. I have also worked in a family business about the same size as yours and it was a very professional and nurturing environment. I am so sad to read your account of how things were for you and how your experiences have so clearly left you feeling powerless and useless when it comes to your own skills and future.

I agree with the poster who said you are projecting your fears onto your children. The best gift you could give them is the sort of unconditional love and attachment that will build their self-confidence and self-esteem. Without this grounding you can have all the qualifications in the world from the best schools/universities and still struggle in life. Just take a look at any mental health forum on the internet and you will see accounts of well-educated, academically gifted women who have been so pressured about educational attainment that it has had very serious long term ramifications for them.

Have you had or would you consider some sort of therapy/analysis to help you break down or at least challenge some of the patterns of thought and belief that are you keeping you dependent?

Irish. I am waiting for what is called IAPT (Mental Health Psychological Therapies )to arrange some sessions for me. I have been waiting already for three months, but apparently it can take up to a year to obtain help or appointments from them.

Assuming I get a diagnosis of ASD/Dyspraxia or an other related disability after my diagnosis appointment ,I will show the diagnosis to the Open University. The Open University have hinted to me that they can help me, when I informed them , I may have (both/either or other disabilities). I told them I was waiting for a diagnosis , so I have no support currently .

"OMNE INITIUM DIFFICILE EST"

"EVERY BEGINNING IS DIFFICULT"

smoke why dont you make a list of every single duty that you performed whilst at your family's business and let the kind people of MN sort them into marketable skills, because Ive been working within a family business for the last 4 years and I would say the skills Ive used can side step me into many opportunities should needs dictate - its just the way you look at things.

Also you mustnt feel any responsibility for the demise of the business - it didnt fail because of your role, you were an employee and not part of the decision making process, so even a rewording of the end of the business would put a different perspective on it.

Who do you put as referees for job applications btw?

Nettle . Uncle Tom Cobley provides my references .

Uncle Tom Cobley

I'm glad I thought to google that

So neither your mother or father would provide a reference for you :( That's very sad. If they really wanted to support you they would do that AND they would probably also help you with paying privately for therapy.

However, I am glad you will get support from the OU, just wish you could get your therapy lined up quicker.

I am sure Dad would provide a reference, how good it would be I don't know because it would look contrived .

I could ask the bank manager , I called a F Ars H when he refused to increase the businesses overdraft! . I could even ask the careers teacher from school, who told me " Why am I wasting his time listening to him because I was sorted and had nothing to worry about".

Seriously Nettle/ Irish you raise a very relevant point for people who have never worked for anyone other than family or themselves. They have to overcome hurdles, that can be almost impossible to do so. That is the reason many ex family members end up working for friends, doing anything, the friends helping out, (as they are the only one's who will employ without references ). In the long term working for friends does not work for the obvious reason work and friendship don't work. The part time work I did for a friend ended up with me just having long lunches with him ( I was working in the end just for my Lunch Money).

Nettle the business didn't fail , mum and dad are quite well off as posted up thread . It was just that due to a variety of circumstances when the business was sold it only netted half what it was expected to net . The problem is mum/dad's lifestyle has not changed a bit , on the other hand I have been left dependant on hand outs from them.

I am hoping the Open University will support me, what that support will be I don't know yet.

I can feel the weight you are carrying around almost physically from your posts... Just feels so heavy and absolutely exhausting, and it's not me carrying it!

You really need help to work through your past and give it all a good 'spring clean and decluttering'! I hope you get some psychological help soon as I think life would get easier even just being able to leave some of that burden behind.

For example, you revert to listing the people you had negative interactions with when answering the questions around references - but why? Those people wouldn't be referees in anyone's career history, so why does your mind pull you into thinking about them?

Id guess the answer is: because you're so consumed by misery and resentment and overwhelmed by the barriers which must feel insurmountable from your perspective. Completely understandable - but not helping your poor old brain and spirit look forwards and build hope!

I agree with others though, that you do have loads of transferable skills and experience that would help you get a higher than entry level job. Like another poster suggested, why don't you try and list what you did and posters can help identify the skills and help you phrase them.

You are very hard on yourself you know.