"Sister wants to end 7 year dispute with me and family" (I thought about name-changing ).

[smokepole]

I know my posts either intrigue people, or annoy the hell out of them and that I could have name changed for a far balanced thread ,but I have not name changed.

Those that are familiar with me , will know that my family and I fell out with my elder sister , for not helping the family financially when able to do so. For those who don't know she refused to lend parents , or me money (but enough of the past).

Sister has asked if the kids DD1, 2 ,DS and me will go with her family skiing at Christmas in the Chalet they have rented in Austria ( fully paid by her).
Last night in a phone call she apologised in a "heart felt way" for not helping me or the family like an eldest daughter or sister should have done.

I have said the kids will be going on the holiday, I am of course in two minds whether to go ( my brother is having none of this change from his sister). The thing is Mum/Dad have been putting pressure on all of us to make up, Mum is 70 Dad is 74 so you can see why they want us to be a "family again".
Sister has even suggested my EX comes along and shares a " room with me" Mum and Dad would quite like it if me and the EX get back together (despite being Divorced for three years) . I just want to scream at my life that goes from mad- madder every week.

I did not need to post this thread (maybe I should not have based on my previous post). However, since I have told my life story on the previous thread, I might as well continue posting threads.

[cakepopbakeshop]

If he wants to learn a trade, or do an apprenticeship I would be over the moon with that. As long as he has an honest job and he is happy, I am happy.

Well said.

I totally agree. In fact, if you look at happiness amongst the rich (like OPs parental family) and high academic achievers, it is often low.

[cakepopbakeshop]

Springy I give you learned helplessness, wanna. Yes so true, it's sad.

OP, your pessimism - about getting a job, in particular, is just poor problem-solving which often arises where others have made you feel you can't solve problems in the past. You really can. I think one of the best ways forward is to set goals - not for others e.g. "my children will get A grades", but for yourself. Make them realistic and give yourself deadlines then work to put them into practice.

Goals from this thread could be:
Schedule an hour chat with my sister to talk to her about our family dynamics before we go on holiday and really listen to what she has to say;
Make an appointment with a counsellor to talk about issues on this thread e.g. low self-belief especially where employment is concerned, bitterness and negativity from past experiences of schooling and applying for jobs, difficult family relationships
Make an appointment with someone within the OU to find out how they can support you
List five things that might help you to feel more independent and positive about the future and discuss these with a close friend.

HTH

[raltheraffe]

cakeshop

That is what I noticed when I was at Cambridge. There were some really rich students there, and they were pretty laid back and seemed to get on well with me.

The people who seemed to hate my guts were the grammar school lot with the pushy parents. They all likes me in year 1 as I did not use flowery language and spoke with a very thick Lancastrian accent and they thought I was a bit thick. When I came top of the year in my exams conspiracy theories started flying around that I had slept with a lecturer and been given the exam questions in advance. They could not accept that I was smarter than them. They were devastated with their 2 1 s or 2 2 s. I found the whole thing really quite bizarre and pathetic.

They used to sit around complaining that doctors do not get paid enough cash. I was like WTF? If you do not want the salary, study something else! Go be a city trader or something.

They were miserable people.

[smokepole]

Thank you Catsrus for your take on my situation. I have noted down your suggestions especially the Open University ones.

Wannabe. I am very sorry to hear about your upbringing by your parents.
The reason the right schooling is important to me, is that I don't want my children being dependant on anybody. Maybe I am a bit over the top about it and clearly DD1 proved a point by achieving .

Ralthe. I agree with you about University, but the sad thing is in today's world without higher level qualifications and large dose of luck your'e going to be destined to be a lower level earner. There is nothing wrong with that, in fact many of the best staff employed by me were low earners. It is a question of what type of life you want though.

[raltheraffe]

Ralthe. I agree with you about University, but the sad thing is in today's world without higher level qualifications and large dose of luck your'e going to be destined to be a lower level earner.

I disagree with this strongly. I am earning more now than I did as an SHO (type of junior doctor) having set up a business from scratch that has nothing to do with my degree.

My auntie and uncle had their first child at 16 and are millionaires. Uncle is chartered accountant (no University degree) and director of several companies.

One of my clients left school at 16 and is now 38 and turning over 60 million. He has no university degree, but has an incredible work ethic, is talented and shrewd.

It has been proven by authors such as Daniel Goleman that work ethic and social intelligence is a far better predictor of earnings than academic qualifications. This is a topic that has been studied by educational psychologists and there is conclusive proof.

This is a myth that public schools feed parents to justify school fees. Sounds good but research proves it is just BS.

Luck has nothing to do with it either.

[newrecruit]

I agree. All of my friends who earn more than us have less qualifications/ education.

My nieces who are in their twenties are far more successful than their graduate friends. The difference is they have worked their arses off and never once thought hard work was beneath them or that they were entitled to a particular wage or status.

[smokepole]

DD2 has Left Home and gone to live with Grandparents!.

DD left a week a go after staying last Sunday Night she went back to Grandparents from school on Monday. She phoned me on Monday Night saying she was no longer living with me, but was going to live with them.
I thought ok I let her stay with them for a week if that is what she wants.
I have now been informed by her, she is "living" with them permanently. .
Mum's solution is that I should either Rent my Property out or sell it and live with them. "Three Generations in one House" .

I am just so pissed off with everything , I have not even had a disagreement
with her. She just said she was bored living where we do and that if I move to Manchester she is staying in Kent for Sixth form. Mum And Dad continue to complicate things for me (whether on purpose, or because they believe it would be better for everyone living under the same roof.

[OsloGin]

This could be the chance you needed to impose some boundaries with your parents? Difficult as this new development is for you.

[smokepole]

I think I need to update people: I went for a Autism Diagnosis yesterday the 31st of October. I have been diagnosed by a clinical Psychologist with multi complex Autism symptoms of Dyspraxia/ Dyslexia / Aspergers and Irlens Syndrome (which means the way your eyes see things are not correct and how your brain interprets it). and a Neuro Developmental Disorder.

I went to a (IAPT) Psychological Therapies appointment this morning, they have discharged me and sent me back to my GP . The reason being its to complex a disorder for them, my Clinical Psychologist and GP need to decide on the next course of action.

I will be contacting The Open University Disability unit and Student Finance England on Monday to see what support is available through Disabled Student Allowance.

I just wanted to update people about this and also let some people who questioned my Autism , that I have multi dimension autism.

The good thing is finally at the age of 41 I will be getting some help, that maybe will help me develop as a person ,also I do not need to try and hide my symptoms any-more.

[NettleTea]

This is good news.
Now you know what you are dealing with, you will have a way of finding how to help yourself, be it by researching yourself, and hopefully with proper clinical/professional input.
Hopefully it will also give you access to financial help which will allow you to disentable yourself from your parents and get some independance from them.

I hope it will help you realise as well that you are NOT incapable and stupid - there are probably many many things that you will discover about yourself, and many very good (and marketable) traits which you will have. Plus ways to deal with the stuff you may have struggled with previously. And an explaination as to why you struggled.

I really wish you luck

[springydaffs]

Oh love, so sorry to read about your daughter. What's happening about that?

Glad you've got some solid dx about some of the challenges you are facing. Hope you get some really good quality support now xx

[smokepole]

My DD2 is very happy staying with her grandparents, so I am just letting her stay there I see her every day after school. Mum/Dad typically have suggested that I should move back in with them, as then we could either sell or rent out my property and because DD is living with them , I don't need as much money!. DS asked if he could move in with grandparents, no doubt having been prompted by both Mum and DD.

It has been a very stressful week for me. I am thinking at the moment about stepping stones to a traditional University. The means of getting there by completing two level 1 Social Science Open University Modules . I am thinking possibly Canterbury University in October 2016 after hopefully being successful at the Open University. The reason being It looks like I will be staying in Kent because I don't want a battle with Mum/ DD2 over her education. Mum/Dad going over my head telling both DD2 and DS that if I left Kent to come and live with them making it impossible to leave as both DD/DS have made it clear to me they will go and live with their grandparents full time if I move away.

I am not up to fighting them both at the moment, I also do not want to risk alienating them. The truth is I have been ganged up on by both parents and kids and blackmailed in to staying ( though maybe the best option). It should have been me making the decision not them though emotional blackmail.

[springydaffs]

This isn't right! When you get support from OU re your diagnoses, ask what support is available for this type of situation. That would be organisations that support and protect vulnerable adults. With your diagnoses you would be deemed a vulnerable adult, your parents could be exploiting you. Aside from the very dodgy financial stuff when the business was sold, their latest seems to be taking your kids (though it's a sticky issue because hard to gauge whether your daughter is being manipulated by them or not) and staving you of cash into the bargain.

No wonder your sister did a runner, if so.

[springydaffs]

*starving you of cash

Just did a quick Google of 'safeguarding vulnerable adults in Kent' and there certainly are policies/laws in place. I'm not sure what the exact criteria in law is for 'vulnerable adult' (perhaps someone will come along to clarify) - perhaps talk to a lawyer to get some advice on where you stand? You could contact 'Rights For Women' to get some pointers - they give free legal advice.

Do you feel you could do that?

[springydaffs]

You could also post on the legal board on MN

[smokepole]

Thank you Springy/Nettle. I have been hearing a lot of things from people, some people understand, others cant' understand. Mum who came with me to the diagnosis because they needed to ask her questions about my childhood E.T.C and development. She answered the questions asked of her and of course she is now saying we have always tried to protect or 'cushion' you as much as possible.

The different views of people are summoned up by my children's views DD1 is very angry that I have only just been formally diagnosed ( though she was diagnosed at 11 with Dyspraxia). DD2 is not interested and dismissive of it despite having help to overcome learning disabilities in year 7. DS has said they have a couple of 'strange' boys in his year so does not really get it.

It is also been suggested by the DR that it would be better for Maximum support available, to reduce my assets . This is something I need to think about and (See a Lawyer). It is a sad indictment that because I have a house (without a Mortgage) I therefore do not need as much support as other people overcoming disabilities in the eyes of the state.

[NettleTea]

Who's doctor told you this?
As far as I know DLA and anything related to disability do not take assests into account at all, especially if those assets are your home. A big fat wodge of cash possibly, but not your home whole you are young.
Im really concerned that your parents are trying to bulldoze you into decisions which are not in your best interests. As a single mum you qualify to grants and funding during education, and also if you have a recognised diagnosis then that would give you help too.
You could, if you are feeling generous to your parents, explain that mental health and things like autism were not diagnosed or understood so well when you were a child. Tho I would be tempted to not do that and more putr it to her that she is fortunate that she has a parent who bothered enough to find out.
They havent protected or cushioned. They have exploited. and I expect if your house was sold that the money would 'dissapear' into their accounts just for safekeeping.
I think you need an advocate, someone independent who is going to work to the best of YOUR benefit, not your parents. I am guessing that you are going to lose any child benefit and child tax credits if your kids leave you, and your parents will claim for them. I really fear you are being stitched up

[cheesecakemom]

This is terrible. It's always about money! There's no reason why your sister HAS to lend you money. This type of thing happens with many families and causes lots of problems. Perhaps if you let us read the previous thread before we jump into conclusions - At the moment I do feel sorry for your sister.

[cheesecakemom]

Didn't realise there were 29 pages - OK reading the rest!