"Sister wants to end 7 year dispute with me and family" (I thought about name-changing ).

[smokepole]

I know my posts either intrigue people, or annoy the hell out of them and that I could have name changed for a far balanced thread ,but I have not name changed.

Those that are familiar with me , will know that my family and I fell out with my elder sister , for not helping the family financially when able to do so. For those who don't know she refused to lend parents , or me money (but enough of the past).

Sister has asked if the kids DD1, 2 ,DS and me will go with her family skiing at Christmas in the Chalet they have rented in Austria ( fully paid by her).
Last night in a phone call she apologised in a "heart felt way" for not helping me or the family like an eldest daughter or sister should have done.

I have said the kids will be going on the holiday, I am of course in two minds whether to go ( my brother is having none of this change from his sister). The thing is Mum/Dad have been putting pressure on all of us to make up, Mum is 70 Dad is 74 so you can see why they want us to be a "family again".
Sister has even suggested my EX comes along and shares a " room with me" Mum and Dad would quite like it if me and the EX get back together (despite being Divorced for three years) . I just want to scream at my life that goes from mad- madder every week.

I did not need to post this thread (maybe I should not have based on my previous post). However, since I have told my life story on the previous thread, I might as well continue posting threads.

Nah...'tis my job raith

'Other than the obvious' meaning only of benefit to the parents?

I rather suspect the obsession with schools and exam results comes straight from the mouths, and minds, of the parents.

It is ludicrous though.

Reminds me of my parents, absolutely grade obsessed. However no matter how well I did, it was never good enough.

I can always remember when I got a first in my first year at University. My mum told me not to speak to anyone with a 2 1 as they were beneath me. WTF???

Personally I could not care less whether or not my son turns out academic. As long as he is happy and confident I do not care.

Ral what are you smoking? Has the OP a diagnosed mental illness? I gave up reading by 11.34. And as for hairy handed... are you a newbie?

'Other than the obvious' meaning only of benefit to the parents?

I rather suspect the obsession with schools and exam results comes straight from the mouths, and minds, of the parents.

Oops.

Perhaps it bears repeating. As they no doubt have repeated it ad nauseum over the years.

OneSkinnyChip - it is highly advisable to read the thread before you start accusing others of imagining/making up facts/smoking something hallucinogenic, otherwise you are the one that ends up looking stupid.

The OP said this about herself:

"Severe Depression for a start, self loathing.

Regarding the Autism , I have got a Diagnosis coming up in 3 weeks with a Specialist Clinical Doctor in Neuro something! Autism . Paid for by the NHS (Very Difficult to get funding for) Because my G.P wrote a letter saying that it was highly likely I had Aspergers and other Developmental problems, looking at my records from time.

I will probably get derided and laughed at here but My GP has said that if the Diagnosis comes out the way we think, I might be able to claim DLA. be Despite the ridicule on here, it does make working very difficult when suffering with Neuro difficulties."

Yes she has depression and is also being assessed for autistic spectrum disorder.

Chip you're being pretty rude, particularly for someone who CBA to RTFT.

I missed that bit. I don't think the OP's opening posts covered her in glory so I gave up reading. Based on the original OP I would think anyone who felt entitled to school fees from a relative was off the charts entitled. I don't believe in kicking people when they are down though so OP. I hope things get better for you soon.

And an apology to raltheraffe for that exceedingly condescending comment to her, OneSkinnyChip?

OP, you have been abused by your family. It is possible to be abused as an adult - emotionally, mentally verbally.

*I remember when I was about 22 and I had decided, that it was time to move away from the family business. , DD1 had just been born and I wanted to start a life with my DH (EX) and that involved new employment.
The abuse and name calling , being told by Mum/ Dad to F then. Being told who has just bought you that BMW Convertible in no uncertain terms and that I was only employed by them because no one else would employ me. The flip side to that is being told how "brilliant" you are and that the business could not survive and by the way Iv'e bought you this Watch for being the best. These are the dynamics that unless you have worked in any family business are hard to explain to people who have worked in non family business. The other thing that happens is I think you develop a character that is unique to that environment and it becomes difficult to adapt once out of the family business.

This kind of treatment is nothing to do with being in a family business - it is to do with being inside an abusive family.

Good luck with taking steps away from your family. If I were you, I would not let my children go on the skiing holiday nor would I go. I would indicate to Sis that you are grateful for the offer but actually need some time for your own family. Then take steps to get help to un-enmesh your lives from what you call the family business via counselling, independent financial advice, etc.

How many friends do you have IRL who know of the difficulties you face with your family and whom you trust totally to be on your side? If none, or few, counselling might be the best first step. It will be worth it.

Family should offer unconditional love not BMWs and watches on good days, insults, threats and demeaning you on bad days. Yeah?

Well SDTG maybe I'll wait for an apology from you for first. You know, for exceedingly condescendingly telling me to apologise with your shiny chief prefect badge on. You do understand that apologies are at the discretion of the individual, don't you?

It is a sad fact that the initial posts by OPs are what are usually judged. If I see a 700 post thread and the first few posts by the OP are 'WTF?!' then that's what I'll judge them on. I've read too many threads where the OPs just keep on going in the same vein, immune to all reason. So I gave up reading. My prerogative. My prerogative too to decide who I give , and to too. Ditto apologies. I decide who I give them to as well.

You are of course entitled to think the worst of me. I can live with that; we're all grown ups. But I do quite sincerely wish the OP well, hence the

I am sorry you don't see the need to apologise to ral.

Ha touché STDG I like it :o

My suspicion is that it was the parents who felt that the sister should pay for the school fees (the reference to abiding by Mum and Dads wishes) and have since badmouthed her to such an extent that OP has gone along with the belief. And made you believe that you were entitled to it.

Probably a strategy to ostracise the sister for pulling away from the tyrants' clutches and stop her passing any ideas onto OP about disentangling her from this odious set up.

Was big sister supposed to come and work for the family before she did a bunk?

I think it suited OPs parents very much to have her dependant and 'stupid' (not my belief) and incapable. They have kept you infantised and Im not surprized that you are depressed and possibly dealing with a personality disorder as a result of it all (Undiagnose HFASD/ PDA can often look very close to Bordeline Personality Disorder in adults if there has been no intervention as a child)

Tell me, why were you sent to a 'Modern' school and given no help at all? Did they set you up to fail? With the age gap you must have been just about starting secondary when your sister was doing her GCSEs? did you go to the same school? Has your 'failure' (in your parents eyes) been the driving force behind your desire to send your kids private, and did your parents reinforce that belief in you, in other words making the need to send DD1 private as absolute paramount?

And if they had £2M in the bank, had a 900K house, had the profits from the sale of the business (which is looking more and more like a 'retirement' rather than a financial cock up, though I have my suspicious hat on today) then why look to your sister to bale you out? They had already done pretty well by you with your £1 sale of your shares (which the accountant wouldnt advise you to sell) so if anyone owed you a favour it was them.

Personally I think they have orchestrated the whole thing. It all seems highly toxic, highly manipulative and highly suspicious. I would get hold of 'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward here and give it a good read. Your sister sounds like classic golden child who escaped and became scapegoat. You sound like scapegoat who has had controlled 'golden child' glitter superficially sprinkled on top. Where does brother fit in??

Take a look at the Stately Home threads too. Especially if you are interested in social / psychological /MH issues.

I was sent to the local school because they believed that it had done people they knew no harm!. The other reason was because if I had been bright enough I would have passed for the grammar school (I think). I also think the failed Benenden thing was because mum was told by a friend, that it was the right school for me. I also think they believed "I Might meet someone through it and marry them" (that's a joke) .

Why though having decided that I needed a total change in schooling did they keep me at the local school over a row?.

Sister went to the grammar school and was not just Mum/Dad's golden child but also the school's pet project.

There was zero help or understanding 30 years ago for ASD/ADHD or Dyspraxia in schools and to be honest , I was by no way the most affected there. The grades I came out with were unbelievably towards the top end of that school . ( I know no one from that school who got more than 1 Gcse pass).There were kids who needed genuine help in the school, in learning how to use Knifes and Forks E.T.C. .My problems paled in to insignificance with many children there.

Sister Did O levels then A levels . Brother and Sister are twins coming up to 46 though I have always been closer to brother. Brother went to my school, probably because he was not interested in doing any work!. The 11+ thing did not have the same kind of stigma (with the kids then) . I don't think apart from sisters school friends and her , who were obviously academic anyone ever mentioned anything about exam success or College/University options.

Excellent post NettleTea.
I have to admit I have seen a lot of "black and white thinking" from OP and I was thinking more borderline than ASD, however the 2 can co-exist.
I used to have borderline PD, but by getting away from my parents, and by practicing mindfulness and dialectical behaviour therapy I now do not have the full disorder, just borderline traits.
The other thing that helped me was I got 10 sessions of psychotherapy on the NHS. That was brilliant, but I had to really fight to get the sessions.
Coming from a very similar background, the problem is when you are raised this way, you think it is normal. In my family if anyone questioned the fact I did not want to go to Cambridge and did not want to do medicine, my mum told them to leave the house and I never saw them again. She also stopped me having friends. Abusers always isolate the victim.
I got to 35 with no family whatsoever, but once I broke away from my parents, I traced my aunty and uncle and a few of my dad's cousins.
The problem is if someone tells you that you are useless, thick, would never get a job other than the family business etc you internalize that and end up believing it. My mum was even choosing what clothes I wore, what food I ate. It was terrifying making decisions for myself and fending for myself, but I managed it. I never wanted to be a mum as my mum told me if I ever got pregnant SS would take the baby and I would be put in a long term asylum. I did not enjoy my pregnancy at all as SS did get involved due to the bipolar, and I was convinced they would take my baby. They did not do this, they offered tons of support which helped my confidence.
Obviously OP does not want to cut her parents off, and that is her choice. However I would strongly recommend she moves away from them and then puts a limit on phone contact and visits.
I think all OPs MH issues probably stem from her upbringing.
I have a strict rule. If a person's behaviour is detrimental to my MH I cut them off. Not to be a cow, I do it as my health is the most valuable thing I have and I will not jeopardize that for anyone.

Oneskinnychip I do not mind not getting an apology, but would quite like that slice of cake...

Do you realise just how obsessed you sound with schooling and grades, OP?

Distance. Perhaps I am obsessed with schooling and grades, but this has been caused by a fear that my children will end up being dependant on others.

Ralthe. When I read you mention "Borderline Personality Disorder" I thought Christ they think I am "SchizofreniK" but having read the definition I know it does not mean that.

But don't you think as parents the best example of 'not being dependent' is to well, not be.
That has nothing to do with education more lead by example.