"Sister wants to end 7 year dispute with me and family" (I thought about name-changing ).

[smokepole]

I know my posts either intrigue people, or annoy the hell out of them and that I could have name changed for a far balanced thread ,but I have not name changed.

Those that are familiar with me , will know that my family and I fell out with my elder sister , for not helping the family financially when able to do so. For those who don't know she refused to lend parents , or me money (but enough of the past).

Sister has asked if the kids DD1, 2 ,DS and me will go with her family skiing at Christmas in the Chalet they have rented in Austria ( fully paid by her).
Last night in a phone call she apologised in a "heart felt way" for not helping me or the family like an eldest daughter or sister should have done.

I have said the kids will be going on the holiday, I am of course in two minds whether to go ( my brother is having none of this change from his sister). The thing is Mum/Dad have been putting pressure on all of us to make up, Mum is 70 Dad is 74 so you can see why they want us to be a "family again".
Sister has even suggested my EX comes along and shares a " room with me" Mum and Dad would quite like it if me and the EX get back together (despite being Divorced for three years) . I just want to scream at my life that goes from mad- madder every week.

I did not need to post this thread (maybe I should not have based on my previous post). However, since I have told my life story on the previous thread, I might as well continue posting threads.

Sanity. Ever year I send a P 60 to the Inland Revenue signed by me after being prepared by the Accountant. The accountant has asked them their view , on the amount and they accept they are "Living Expenses"(bringing up three kids) at the moment , not business expenses. Who knows things might change? .

I think from the Government's and Inland Revenue's point of view, its not costing them any money ( Don't quote me on that) and a dam sight cheaper than loading me with benefits?.

Every year . I keep missing the Y off.

You can't produce and sign your own p60. A p60 is produced by an employer for an employee on their payroll.

if your paretns are paying you out of income not savings then it isn;t assessible for IHT

I assume you realise that by signing your shars over to your parents and/or their buyers you have gifted them £200k.

But you were angry enough to cut your sister off over £20k?!

I think you probably have more issues with your family and possibly your mental health than a thread on Mumsnet can hope to deal with.

Every year from being made a director at 19 , I have signed a document at the end of the year showing my Salary, Dividends ,Car (when company) BUPA benefits E.T.C I thought that was a p 60?. Sorry if that is not a P60

What is it called then ?.

Kew If that is how they get round the Tax issue by paying me out of income "I don't care" The Accountants must have decided that is the best way to do it then.

But you can't be a director (or employee) anymore - they sold the business?

You don't need to sign P60's but possibly you did 20 years ago.

Dividends don't go on a P60 neither do benefits such as car, BUPA which would go on your P11D.

Thinking about it, I bet you signed a directors emoluments form. Nothing to do with HMRC just for accountants to produce accurate accounts.

But that is all irrelevant - if they are supporting you with regular gifts then you should care about the situation in case you get stung with income tax when HMRC claim you're actually doing something for the money.

You seem to be happy to just let everyone sort everything out for you.

Who has told you all this? None of it makes sense!

If £18,000pa for "bringing up three kids" was an allowable expense, as far as HMRC was concerned, the personal allowance for someone with three children would be that amount. But it isn't.

It seems to me that you have signed some agreement with respect to your shares in the business, under some duress, and you don't even know the details of it.

I don't know if you have any redress against your parents, or indeed, if they have done anything wrong.

If I were you, though, I would get a copy of what you signed, and see if you can understand it. Otherwise, perhaps get a solicitor to read it and summarise it for you.

Really, as I said much further up thread, if anyone has treated you badly, it is your parents, and not your sister. (Your sister wouldn't give you her only savings of £20K, and you think that's wrong, yet your parents were living in a house worth £900K, and wouldn't lend you any money, but you think that's okay! I'm not saying either should have lent you the money, but can't you see the double standard?)

Why not claim benefits though smoke? If you claim ESA that maintains your NICs which will go to your pension. Plus every penny you take off your parents decreases their assets and you should be due for 1/3 of their assets when they die. This is assuming they split you, sister and brother so you all get 33% of their estate. I would strongly recommend you ask to see a copy of the will.
Smoke I come from a very similar background to you. I also worked in the family business from age 7 to age 14 when they stopped trading, but I was not paid a penny for it. As a business owner myself I sort of respect the commercial decision to pay me jack shit as that decreased my parents payroll, however I do have an issue that from age 10 onwards I was operating machinery with no H and S training. I never had an accident, but it does give me concern they had a 10 year old operating an injection moulding machine which handled molten plastic. I loved doing the work and we did have a TV in the background.
I trusted my parents. I ignored all the insults (and trust me there were a lot) as sometimes they were very nice with me. However if you look up the cycle of domestic abuse, an abuser is not horrible all the time. In order to maintain the cycle they go through periods of apologising for their vile behaviour and showering with gifts.
The moment I lost trust in my parents was when I found myself homeless and broke. They took all the profits from my house sale, under the guise of sorting out bill paperwork and paying me an allowance. They then left the country and once they got to France I was told if I wanted the cash back I had to sue them and I had no chance of getting a judgement as they would just move house and I would be stuffed. At that point I realised I had been screwed over.
I now loathe my dad and when my mum died I only found out on BILs Twitter. No funeral invite even though funeral was held in UK. I doubt I will get invited to dad's funeral, but if I do I will make sure that Kool and the Gangs "Celebration" is played as the bastards coffin gets wheeled off through the curtains.
To be fair your parents do not sound as bad as mine, but they are keeping you in a dependent role. They are probably doing this with the best of intentions, but the reality is one day they will be dead and who can you rely on then?
OK so you struggle with certain tasks. I never use an oven as I struggle with my concentration and every time I use an oven I forget and next thing smoke alarms are going off. So I eat sandwiches and microwave meals. I know that is not ideal, but I cope the best I can. Social services are always there for me if I need help, and my HV is really good, but right now I am coping OK without SS intervention.
I am sure you could get a NMW job and if not you could volunteer in a care home. Even though the Government harp on about all these unemployed people I really struggle to get NMW workers who can be relied upon to turn up and work a full shift. £6.50 an hour is not much, but every penny you get you will have the pride of knowing you have earnt it yourself. I have employed a lady with MH issues who has come off ESA and she got tons of help, got sent on confidence building groups by her support worker. The JobCentre are there to help you and if you want to work you will get a lot of support.
What is going on right now is not normal and not healthy. It feels normal to you as that is all you have ever known. Stop trying to be the dutiful daughter and try making your own decisions.

Smoke do you claim Child Benefit?

Make claims today for that, if you don't get it already, and for tax credits. (Of course, to do that, you will need to decide what this £1500 monthly payment is)

That is the first step towards regularizing this mess.

Your financial situation is bizarre. And very tenuous.

Does it worry you?

A CAB appointment is probably in order too.

I am wondering what would happen if (god forbid) your parents died tomorrow. Probate could take a while. Do you have any income of your own? Or would you be wholly dependent on your brother's largesse (which seems to come with strings and conditions)?

This "Living Expenses" thing doesn't surprise me, because I suspect the £40K salary or dividend was for your parents' tax benefit as well - a way of keeping money in the family.

If the parents saw your salary or shareholdings as just their own tax scheme, that fits perfectly with them expected you to sign it all back to them when they wanted.

Which also explains why someone could be paid £40K pa while having few qualifications or transferrable skills, and needing a protected environment because of the behavioural limitations you mention. As you say, you're not expecting to be able to make that outside the family firm.

It sounds like this is just one giant financial wheeze on their part, and normal notions of "yours", "theirs" have gone out of the window.

There may be some good intention on their part - to "look after" you and the kids. But it's left you completely powerless and dependent, signing paperwork you don't understand.

I strongly second what everyone else is saying about getting counselling or support outside the family, to help you build your own ideas of who you are, where you want to go and how to get there.

I am only saying what I have been told by people , Accountants and Lawyers E.T.C. The truth is let the "Bastards" , the Inland Revenue take my house then to pay the tax Due if the Accountants and Lawyers are wrong.

This also goes to show why it is wrong that IHT is at a relatively low threshold . I can't Support Myself certainly not my kids, so the government would take a large proportion of money off the family estate and give a small fraction of it back to me by making me jump through "hoops" for it "BASTARDS".

I don't want to be a drain on anybody, I just want to be left alone to live my life the best I can and help my children become self sufficient .

Pausing that all sounds very very plausible.

I would sack off this 1500 pcm totally. I bet when you tot up 2 cb, esa, ctc you would get a similar amount. Add in PIP you would probably be better off.

you may also get council tax benefit but I am not sure about the rules on that one for homeowners. I would go CAB they can advise on all this.

I am only saying what I have been told by people

That is true of much of this thread and it is key to your predicament.

You can equip yourself with knowledge, do your own research, secure an income of your own, pursue your own education and career...

All these things will bring you independence and safety.

Remember your parents' accountant is paid to do things in your parents' best financial interests, not yours.

It isn't a family estate - its your parents business which they sold. Its not yours. IHT is irrelevant - they aren't dead.

You are totally missing the point that people are making. Learn to separate from your parents.

And as an accountant I can't tell you the number of times people say "oh but my accountant says this is what I should do"... when usually they have decided what to do themselves they just want to hide behind me.

I do not believe there is a non-crooked lawyer or accountant anywhere who would recommend anyone signing away £200k of shares for £1. No accountant would tell your parents to pay you £1500 per month for any reason except that they choose to.

This also goes to show why it is wrong that IHT is at a relatively low threshold . I can't Support Myself certainly not my kids, so the government would take a large proportion of money off the family estate and give a small fraction of it back to me by making me jump through "hoops" for it "BASTARDS".

There is no such thing as a 'family estate' Smoke. What is off-key here is this medieval approach to family finance, not necessarily tax policy.

You can't fight the system. Claim what you are entitled to, pay what is due.

X post

Smoke what is your plan?

Smoke, family businesses do not require family members to be isolated from the world and good ones generally expect the next generation to be fully educated on the accounting and legal side of the business. An employee for all these years would paid a salary and be groomed to take over, it doesnt sound like you are. So it seems you should just be receiving dividends and no responsibility, as is the norm.

Something about this is odd. Maybe you would be diagnosed with some condition if you were a child today(?) and your parents original (and if you ask, current) intent was to aid and support you given the lack of other options at the time. But it has morphed into some very dodgy sounding business practices and treatment of you, from your teenaged years anyway, that sound very isolating and controlling.

Sounds like you need to ask your sister for her entire, lifelong view of the story. Is it possible she wants to include your ex on the trip because she wants just such a conversation , and feels the need for someone to be informed and loyal to you / your dcs in the aftermath? It would be nice if your brother could bring himself to be involved, but it sounds like maybe your parents have made him dependent in some other way--that might explain his being over involved in your disagreement with her and not letting it go now.

Something is fishy, and I worry about your situation when your parents pass on or if the business ever fails.

At the very least, ask your GP if you were ever tested for learning disabilities as a child, and consider being tested now. If you do have such, even now you can be offered therapy to cope and work around them and be more independent than your parents have encouraged you to be.

Mom you haven't RTFT, have you?

After reading through some of your posts, OP - your relationship with your parents is seriously, seriously fucked up.

Your parents "being in charge" of you when you were 25 and a mother? "My sister is/can be a wonderful person, though at times she can be very selfish and forget about Mum/Dads wishes."

You do know that your parents are not God Almighty, do you?