"Sister wants to end 7 year dispute with me and family" (I thought about name-changing ).

[smokepole]

I know my posts either intrigue people, or annoy the hell out of them and that I could have name changed for a far balanced thread ,but I have not name changed.

Those that are familiar with me , will know that my family and I fell out with my elder sister , for not helping the family financially when able to do so. For those who don't know she refused to lend parents , or me money (but enough of the past).

Sister has asked if the kids DD1, 2 ,DS and me will go with her family skiing at Christmas in the Chalet they have rented in Austria ( fully paid by her).
Last night in a phone call she apologised in a "heart felt way" for not helping me or the family like an eldest daughter or sister should have done.

I have said the kids will be going on the holiday, I am of course in two minds whether to go ( my brother is having none of this change from his sister). The thing is Mum/Dad have been putting pressure on all of us to make up, Mum is 70 Dad is 74 so you can see why they want us to be a "family again".
Sister has even suggested my EX comes along and shares a " room with me" Mum and Dad would quite like it if me and the EX get back together (despite being Divorced for three years) . I just want to scream at my life that goes from mad- madder every week.

I did not need to post this thread (maybe I should not have based on my previous post). However, since I have told my life story on the previous thread, I might as well continue posting threads.

[springydaffs]

I think it's against the law to give a bad reference. All your dad would need to do is confirm the dates you worked for them and your role/s and responsibilities.

Why do you think his reference would be a bad one btw?

Something's not right here is it smoke. Something's not right about your parents

Re the exam results - I assume you are obsessed about them because they are the big god in your family, to your parents. Your sister did a ' Loneliness of the long distance runner' (have you seen that film?) when she walked out of her French A level exam. By doing that she broke the family/your parents' cardinal rule; actually, she gave them the finger. I assume she was public enemy no1 after that and the family were gunning for her..

You on the other hand came low down in the exam results stakes - perhaps that's one of the reasons you have such a low opinion of yourself? Because what your parents value the very most is not something you have impressed them with - as a consequence you feel worthless. Perhaps they also have actively made you feel worthless and sub-standard because of your results? Perhaps this is another of their rules you accepted without question.

Smoke, the abuse you got on this thread was terrible, it went on and on and on. Yet you came back again and again. I can't help thinking it's because you are used to abuse.I think its been established that posters jeered when you expressed the family beliefs.

But I'm proud of MN the way this thread has turned out. I'm glad you stuck with it, smoke, you're one tenacious woman. I also suspect those exam results in no way reflect your inate knowledge and intelligence (which is clear now the thread has calmed down and you're not being attacked and you've relaxed a bit) - to which you have added a whole raft of experience. You might feel shit and useless now but I hope it isn't too long before it dawns on you how impressive you are. I'm not kidding you.

[newrecruit]

Smoke. It's another reason to volunteer asap.

They would give you a reference which would be recent.

[smokepole]

SpringyDaffs. I don't think my parents would intentionally give me a bad reference . I just think Dads ego would probably not allow it self to write that I was running any part of the business. He was in total control , it was his "business" he was in charge of everything. That is is thought process at times.

I have watched the film "The Loneliness of the Long distance Runner" based on a boy sent to Borstal , unfairly taking the full wrap for the Crime. His way out of his miserable existence is to run round the grounds of the institution .

It is certainly correct to think my parents put a lot of importance to exam results, this was evident when DD1 failed her 11+. The reason she failed the 11+ it was my fault as much as DD1s. Mum said She studied harder to pass the NVR part of the test and I did not push her. Mum also told her at the time how "Alice" my ( 1st Niece) Sister's daughter had breezed in to grammar in Chelmsford and that she was disappointed with her. However, I must say Mum/Dad were thrilled with her A Level results of ABB and made a great fuss of her.

They are great grandparents to all the grandchildren, I just think though I disappoint them all the time. I think Sister not going to Oxford at the time was a huge blow to them but she is finally going next year at the age of 46!. Brother has achieved in terms of business success so they are proud of him for that. I think if you come from a family of high achievers and on the face of it you are not an high achiever either academically or in a entrepreneurial way, it can seriously affect your self worth.

[smokepole]

She should have studied harder to pass the NVR part of the test.

[newrecruit]

Smoke, they are not great grandparents if they tell a 10 year old they are disappointed in her

[raltheraffe]

If my mother in law said she was disappointed with my son I would tell her to piss off

[cakepopbakeshop]

Have you decided yet then, whether to go on holiday with Sis?

[smokepole]

I have told her I am going on holiday with her and the family. She is very pleased I have decided to go, I am looking forward to the holiday in at the end of December/January .It is has been 16 years since I have been away with her , so hopefully I will enjoy the holiday.

[raltheraffe]

But have you forgiven her or are you just going to keep your parents happy? If you can forgive her that is great, but you should only go if you want to, not because your parents want you to.
It would be interesting for you to speak to your sister about how she views your parents.

[VeniVidiVickiQV]

I hope you and your sister can mend the broken fences and re-forge a loving and caring relationship to each other.

Et voila. Although why you need a bunch of strangers to tell you that, I've no idea. You seem to hold some pretty robust ideas all on your own. I don't mind blowing smoke up your arse, smokepole. Anything for an internet sprite.

Good luck!

[smokepole]

I have forgiven her and it needs to be sorted if we are going to go forward as a family. Mum/Dad are in their Seventies, so I think they want to see stability in the family and their children getting on again.

It is easier to forgive because her refusal to lend the £20,000 for DDs1 education did not unduly affect her University options.
the onus is on me to mend the family chain, because brother and sister are so competitive with each other and will try to out do each other!.

I have been much closer to my brother since being 13 I think he liked having a younger sister to look after. He does say though that Sister started it by boasting to him at 11 about going to the grammar school. They are both 45 coming up to 46, yet they both bring up things from childhood.

Mum/Dad were seriously angry with sister for refusing to lend the money and every-time they spoke to her would let her know that she had put DDs future in jeopardy. There are obviously other issues between all of us, not just the education of DD. However, if I can start the restoration of normal relations with my sister, it will be a good start in resolving these issues.

[MiscellaneousAssortment]

I hope this thread has helped you see even just a glimpse of what the real issues are in your situation - ie your parents, not your sister.

I think it will be extremely hard for you to break out of the family scripts but I hope you manage it a little bit when you're on holiday. Good luck.

[wannabestressfree]

You can only 'forgive' someone if they have done something that warrants forgiving. You say 'I can forgive her as it hasn't affected dd university choices'. That's not forgiveness at all.
If you parents were that angry they should have paid.
More to the point if you wanted that education for your daughter you should.
I don't think you will get that in a month of Sundays though.

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

I agree with wannabestressfree - I am sorry, but your sister has not done anything wrong, smokepole. You have already agreed you should not have asked her for the money - that put her in a very difficult position. She had every right to decide not to spend all her savings on her niece's education - it was her money, her savings, her security, and no-one should have tried to guilt-trip her into handing it over.

And then she was the one who was ostracised by her whole family over this incident. At every stage she was the one in the right, and her family were the ones treating her badly.

She does NOT owe you an apology. You, and the rest of the family owe her a huge apology.

Until you get it through your head that it was you and your family in the wrong all along, and that she has done NOTHING to apologise for, you cannot mend your family.

[trixymalixy]

I also think your sister did nothing wrong.

[springydaffs]

You BET you have other family issues!

Namely, that you are the family sop, whipping boy; they stand on you to be taller, you're the manure they use to fertilise their soil. Want a bit of money? Steal it from smoke, steal the proceeds of her hard labour. Running a demanding business? Get smoke to do the donkey work, chuck her some goodies now and again to keep her sweet, take all the credit for her slave labour.

Indeed, the onus is on me to keep this whole shebang on the road. Without you who could they exploit to thus degree, where woukd they get the slave labour for precisely zero investment? Train her up to serve the family, the family's human sacrifice, keeping everything going for them to take all the glory, you zero: emotionally, psychologically, financially. You're not supposed to succeed, you of the crap grades. Your kids, now, perhaps they can mine some gold from their failure, dunce mother; skip a generation...

Btw you don't mention the ending of Loneliness/long distance. We won't spoil it for those who haven't seen/read it. I want to cheer at what your sister did - it can't have been easy if your experience is anything to go by.

[smokepole]

Springydaffs. I have forgotten what happens at the end of "The loneliness of the Long Distance Runner".

It does feel like I have at times been the one who was easy to blame for business problems, as it is unlikely I could/Would do a runner. I think when brother and sister left, it was me or nobody else so they had to use me!.

I really think that Mum/Dads idea was for brother/ sister to take over the business and run it after sister left Oxford . Mothers original plan for me was for me to be married off.!

[smokepole]

I don't think mum has ever forgiven Dad for not paying the fees for Benenden.! Mothers new posh dinner party friends suggested that it would do me the world of good, and I would find a husband or so mum said . Mum told me that when asked about which school I was currently at she would pretend she did not hear the question and when prompted would say a state school, it was then assumed it was a grammar school , mum just said yes that's the one..

Amusing and funny now, but in reality not funny at all. Mum who stated only three years earlier when I was 11 that "I was going to the right school" because I failed the 11+ and anyway it did not do your dad any harm.

It is 25 + years ago or so, it does make me "laugh" as well as being angry at the same time.

[wannabestressfree]

I love the way you white wash over anything that doesn't 'fit' with you.

My brother and I were seriously abused by our mentally ill father as children. As much as I love my brother he hunts for 'answers' and blame. It eats away at his very being.

What happened to just getting off your backside and getting a job? I don't buy this unfit for anything as I only ran the family business and have a handful of gcse's. And? Go and wipe arses or get some retail work. I don't think you will though, I think you will carry on take, take, taking as will your ex whilst 'poor meing' in the next breath.

I work. I had a horrendous start in life. My son slept on the floor in my uni halls as I studied. I have a brain injury from being beaten and a illness know which is crippling me. I am currently having a crater packed in my stomach and then going back to work in three weeks. It will take nine months to heal.

Instead of blaming everyone else say 'not me' and gain control of your life. I am a long term poster and your threads make me so cross. None of the 'conditions' you describe are worthy of doing fuck all. Get a grip.

Your poor, poor sister. My sister is a proper celeb (well married to one) and I wouldn't ask her to educate my children.

You are teaching your children nothing. Either of you. That's where you are letting them down.

End of rant (I need a lie down)

[wannabestressfree]

Why are you still harping on about benenden? You are a grown woman with children!!!!!
25 + years later you shouldn't be giving it a thought. You should have other things to occupy your brain!!!!

[springydaffs]

I think smoke is unpacking the past and her parents beliefs, wanna. She has accepted it all wholesale, to her cost, and now she is beginning to question it. It took a long time to pack her up with that shit, it'll take a while to unpack it.

Wanna, im very sorry to read what yiu went through as a child, aand the far-reaching consequences if it. there probably isn't just one way to deal with childhood trauma but I genuinely don't think the 'pull your socks up' approach is helpful. It may have got you through, so far, but it isn't healthy long term imo. Yy we can get stuck in a victim mentality if we don't watch it but a balance is probably appropriate when it comes to shocking abuse re it happened, it was shit, get on. It takes a while to get to the final stage of getting on, having thoroughly visited the necessary (imo) 'it happened/it was shit' (what happened? What was shit?) stages - which are often quite drawn out stages, commensurate with the depth of the abuse.

[catsrus]

I think one thing you could do right now smoke is make an appointment with the OU careers advisor in your region. ATM that would be R13 right? East Grinstead? That office is closing shortly so you would probably need to talk to the person in R01 - London.
The link to the careers advice service is here (you'll need to be logged I think) www2.open.ac.uk/students/careers.
Once you have a formal diagnosis of your disability then the learner support team will talk to you about the kind of help that might be available (click the 'contact your SST' link on student home). The OU does not provide counselling but will point you in the direction of what external sources of help there are. Your tutors will also be informed of what kind of extra help you might need to support you in your studies. You still have to do the work yourself of course but tutors will be aware of those students who have additional requirements (e.g. not asking a student with dyslexia or severe anxiety to read a passage out loud in a tutorial!).

There are some interesting cultural difference coming out on this thread - I have been a bit at the people who are suggesting you go on benefits rather than rely on your parents. My parents were not wealthy, they were ordinary working class people, but they supported both of my siblings when they were out of work because they believed that's what families do. Going on benefits was something that happened to people who didn't have families to support them. Similarly my dc have been supported by me when they have been out of work, my ex inlaws supported their dc. My parents were not controlling, I'm not controlling, we are a family that supports each other. I do think the OPs parents are controlling but going on benefits would not solve that one - it's a deeper problem.

Smoke get yourself as much help as you can from the OU, get qualified, get experience (voluntary if necessary), use the fact that you are financially supported to work towards your financial independence.

[wannabestressfree]

I know we all have our theories on what's right but I honestly think rehashing the past affects our future. It's not just the 'pull your socks up' it's more the being in control of your own destiny. If you continuously allow people to 'drive' your life it will continue in the same car crash style.

I do admire people that 'deal with their shit' but I do think a grip needs to be purchased for those that continue to harp on about it and blame others for their woes. I find it laughable that someone would be up in arms about the 'right' schooling when that person has no meaningful job and neither supports themselves or their children. And neither does their partner. It's all very well condemning them as abusive but smoke is continuing to take their cash and allow their ex partner to live in their property.

I just think it's 'bite the hand that feeds' mentality and priorities scrambled.....

[raltheraffe]

Gosh all this talk about University options. I have a doctorate and have taught at Cambridge and Manchester and I could not give a rat's arse if my son goes to university or not. If he wants to learn a trade, or do an apprenticeship I would be over the moon with that. As long as he has an honest job and he is happy, I am happy.

[springydaffs]

You're at the top looking down, ralth. There's nowt as deadly as those on the climb.

Chances are, wanna, that we view past events in a fresh way once the fog begins to clear - it's important to consolidate these revelations of truth, as the conditioning has been so deep and conclusive we have to even up the balance - and that takes effort and application.

Talking of conditioning: I give you learned helplessness, wanna.