Sex act without permission...not sure how to feel?

[pushtheskyaway]

This happened a few weeks ago now, and I really don't know if I am over-reacting or not?

I have a sexual partner (not officially a couple due to age difference; I am 34 and he is 20) who I have been sleeping with since the spring. We were lazing around in bed hungover, and I was frankly that tired I was half awake at best. I was lying on my front, and he started touching me; which then progressed to sex. I was kind of into it, but not feeling it 100% as I was so exhausted. My partner then suddenly pulled out, and attempted to penetrate me anally!

We have never done anal, nor even talked about the possibility of doing it before. There was no discussion, he didn't ask for my consent...just tried to stick it in! I went ballistic with him, and he apologised but couldn't really explain why he had done it.

I know he is young, has doubtless seen it in porn and whatnot, but I can't help but feel a bit violated. He had a few sexual issues when we first got together; which I have helped him to over come. Now I feel my reward is to have him try and painfully ram himself up my back passage. I would appreciate others viewpoints as I really don't know if I should give him the benefit of the doubt or not? It is not the act itself that I am against; more so the way he went about it...

This wasn't a 'mistake' Lucylloyd. He knew exactly what he was doing. He did it deliberately ergo its wasn't a mistake on his part. It was just that she didn't know what he was going to do and he didn't bother to find out if she wanted him to do that. I suppose you could call that a 'mistake' or an 'oversight' but that would actually be trivialising a woman's right to bodily integrity and her desire to be told when and what orifice is going to be penetrated by a man she is in bed with so she can make a decision whether that is to take place.

So do you really not think he needed consent to stick his dick into her anus? Really?

Oh and rape occurs in relationships. In fact it is far more common between people who know each other than stranger rape.

Not that it really matters what you think (except if you are on a jury) because the law says this is rape. Consent for one sexual act does not imply consent for another.

Again it comes back to why he thought it was OK to not gain consent.

Sense of entitlement and not thinking that the OP's wishes needed to be taken into account. She wasn't a person, she was a sexual object for his desire.

Sex doesn't need to be "forced" to be rape, Lucy. Check the law.

A depressing turn to this thread.

YonicScrewdriver- I am aware of this. Context is all. A rape where a woman has enjoyed sexual relations, then a partner tries something unannounced, then deists when a protest is made is quite different from stranger rape. Linking the two diminishes the seriousness of the latter.

Scallopsrgreat- same point really. I once had a boyfriend who during a sex session slipped his cock into my arse, I didn't want it, told him to stop, and that was it.

Kateegee- I am not saying that it can't be rape if you have already had a sexual relationship with the other person. I am saying that if during sex someone tries something unannounced, then desists, calling that rape demeans the word.

More generally the use of the word rape should be used carefully, as its abuse does abusers the favour.

So you're saying Date Rape is ok, Lucy? I really can't believe you just posted that heap of tripe.

When you say 'tries something unannounced' it sounds so mild, like he moved his hand to her bottom or something - did you read the OP? He pulled himself out of her vagina and WITHOUT ASKING attempted to penetrate her anally - no lube, no warning - where in the name of Jebus does that sound like anything other than rape?

Sex without consent is rape. End of. There are no degrees.

The law says quite different from what you do, Lucy.

In case of any doubt, in case the OP didn't hide this thread, this link explains it as clear as day.

www.devon-cornwall.police.uk/SupportAdvice/SexualAssaultRape/Pages/WhatRapeSexualAssault.aspx

The man in the OP did not slip, he intentionally penetrated the OP and did not seek her consent to do so. Rape is not a matter of opinion.

oh dear god lucy - go for your life with your rape myths - so to call being raped by someone you know and have sex with diminishes the seriousness of stranger rape? really?

rape is rape. with the 'stranger' rape the crime of rape is the same but likely you can add in abduction, assault and whatever other charges. rape is rape is rape. stranger rape isn't worse by definition because it's a stranger but can end up with more charges because the nature of the offence usually requires other crimes to be committed too.

can i recommend reading.

Context is all

No, it isn't. This is the kind of water-muddying that allows people to get away with assaults.

Consent is all. Consent.

And beginning a sexual relationship with someone does not mean you have given blanket consent for whatever experimentation that other person might want to try.

And as for this: A rape where a woman has enjoyed sexual relations, then a partner tries something unannounced, then deists when a protest is made is quite different from stranger rape. Linking the two diminishes the seriousness of the latter

Really? We're back to 'It's not rape rape', aren't we?
How is it relevant to 'rank' what happened to OP against 'stranger rape'?
Why is the breach of trust by a person whom the OP thought she could trust something you either don't take seriously or discount altogether?

Lucy has form for rape apology, folks. Just sayin'

I think what some people on this thread don't quite get is that the act of penetration without consent is what makes it rape. The only context is in relation to the reasonable belief of consent. Clearly, that reasonableness is what could be interpreted differently, but the act has still happened.

Hopefully, the more people that have thought deeply about the issue of consent and who have come to the realisation that enthusiastic consent is the only consent that is reasonable, the more juries will ensure that justice occurs for rape victims.

Here you go, Lucy:

Current legal definition of rape

The Sexual Offences Act 2003 (the Act) came into force on the 1st May 2004. The purpose of the Act was to strengthen and modernise the law on sexual offences, whilst improving preventative measures and the protection of individuals from sexual offenders. The Act extends the definition of rape to include the penetration by a penis of the vagina, anus or mouth of another person. The 2003 Act also updates the law about consent and belief in consent.

The word 'consent' in the context of the offence of rape is now defined in the Sexual Offences Act 2003. A person consents if she or he agrees by choice, and has the freedom and capacity to make that choice. The essence of this definition is the agreement by choice. The law does not require the victim to have physically resisted in order to prove a lack of consent. The question of whether the victim consented is a matter for the jury to decide, although the Crown Prosecution Service (CPS) considers this issue very carefully throughout the life of a case.

same point really. I once had a boyfriend who during a sex session slipped his cock into my arse, I didn't want it, told him to stop, and that was it

Well, you were raped then. At best, and depending on the law, you were sexually assaulted. Even if he stopped.
Just because you didn't think anything of it, doesn't mean it wasn't.

How on earth does a man slip his cock into your anus?
Mind boggling.

Picking up the above points:

Anyfucker (sic)- I have never been an apologist for rape.

Whatthefucknow- while enjoying vaginal sex from behind, where both of you are well naturally lubricated, anal penetration can be easy.

Lweji- you are right. Would I have made a rape report about a man whom I loved, with whom I was enjoying a consensual sex session with which inevitably involves either party taking the lead at different times and who desisted when I said no to an act? No.

Abbiehoffmansafro- context IS all in whether a woman makes a complaint. Although legally rape is rape, proving it DOES rely on context. The above situation is technically rape. It in no way equates with a man deciding he wants sex with me against my wishes.
Lovecat- Date rape is rape.

Honeybadger- “stranger rape isn't worse”. Women’s attitudes to sex will vary, you are entitled to your own. In my case, where I was having sex with a man who tried something I didn’t want, and stopped, I view that very differently from being pulled into an alley be a stranger and being penetrated. Yes equating the former with the latter DOES diminish the word, and reduces the chances of prosecution where it really matters.

"Would I have made a rape report about a man whom I loved, with whom I was enjoying a consensual sex session with which inevitably involves either party taking the lead at different times and who desisted when I said no to an act? No."

That's your call. What it doesn't make right is you trying to make that call for another woman.

You understand that rape in an alley is likely to involve a second charge such as abduction as well as the charge of penetration without consent which is what rape is. Not "technical rape", rape.

Thanks for the heads up, Anyfucker, I shan't bother responding. I am very taken aback though, and not a little dispirited.

Lucy, many women choose not to report DV events, for example. It still doesn't mean that they weren't abused. As in your case, with what he did.

"Would I have made a rape report about a man whom I loved, with whom I was enjoying a consensual sex session with which inevitably involves either party taking the lead at different times and who desisted when I said no to an act? No."

That's your call. What it doesn't make right is you trying to make that call for another woman."

I wouldn't, context is all.

Lweji, domestic violence should always be reported.

It is for the woman to make a judgement on what constitutes that.

I know "you wouldn't" - what you shouldn't do is judge another woman's decision.

The law makes a judgement on what constitutes rape and The law makes a judgement on what constitutes domestic violence

The victim at that time in that situation may choose to act or not act. It doesn't change a thing though.

Conjuring up grey areas is apology

It is for the woman to make a judgement on what constitutes that.
Sadly, it is for the woman to make a judgement to report it or not.
Sadly, that involves making a judgement about whether it constitutes DV or rape, as many don't class what they go through as either. But it still is what it is, according to the law.
Only, it's usually in private, so it's for the victim to report it. And there is still a lot of apologising and minimising for both DV and rape. As you are now doing. :( And as you did for yourself. :(

It's not easy to acknowledge that the person we love has raped us or that he (she) has abused us. We prefer to continue to believe the best in that person in most cases.

We have to admire the OP for having the clarity to see what he did clearly and for stepping away.

Some interesting replies here, which I respect.

Lweji, we agree that it is up to the woman to report DV/abuse. However where we will disagree is that the absolutist line you advocate in my opinion harms women, and harms the prospects of prosecution. The statistics back that up.

A position which requires a man to ask permission to kiss you, touch you and be intimate each time before any contact is a nonsense within an established relationship , so long as no, means no.

No partner needs to specifically ask permission, but should ensure enthusiastic consent.
Groping suddenly can be assault unless the person knows that the other likes it. Either partner should make sure that the other will be comfortable with whatever touching they will do.
Of course you know you are more welcome to touch than a stranger, but you still shouldn't assume you are allowed to do whatever whenever you feel like without consideration for your partner's feelings.

Nor should you accept a partner who does whatever to you whenever he/she feels like without consideration for your feelings...