Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sex act without permission...not sure how to feel?

341 replies

pushtheskyaway · 02/10/2014 01:49

This happened a few weeks ago now, and I really don't know if I am over-reacting or not?

I have a sexual partner (not officially a couple due to age difference; I am 34 and he is 20) who I have been sleeping with since the spring. We were lazing around in bed hungover, and I was frankly that tired I was half awake at best. I was lying on my front, and he started touching me; which then progressed to sex. I was kind of into it, but not feeling it 100% as I was so exhausted. My partner then suddenly pulled out, and attempted to penetrate me anally!

We have never done anal, nor even talked about the possibility of doing it before. There was no discussion, he didn't ask for my consent...just tried to stick it in! I went ballistic with him, and he apologised but couldn't really explain why he had done it.

I know he is young, has doubtless seen it in porn and whatnot, but I can't help but feel a bit violated. He had a few sexual issues when we first got together; which I have helped him to over come. Now I feel my reward is to have him try and painfully ram himself up my back passage. I would appreciate others viewpoints as I really don't know if I should give him the benefit of the doubt or not? It is not the act itself that I am against; more so the way he went about it...

OP posts:
Dirtybadger · 03/10/2014 23:03

So if I have consented to vaginal sex the man I'm sleeping with has carte blanche until I say "no"? Right. Even for things that are not only "not my cup of tea" (some women don't like oral sex, for example) but which, if not done properly, may be very painful, humiliating (y'know, my shit comes from there) and cause irreparable damage?

Darkesteyes · 03/10/2014 23:06

I bet anyone who works in an A+E department could be quite informative about what injuries they have had to see and treat because of ppl like the OPs FWB!

WitchWay · 03/10/2014 23:11

No matter where the consent/permission line lies, I suggest it is at the very least polite to enquire whether shoving something up the bum doing something out of the ordinary is OK.

I've been married for 24 years & DH still makes sure I am happy for him to touch/finger my anus before he does it. If I do not want him to then he doesn't . Same applies to being rough with my nipples, spanking my bottom etc - good fun sometimes, but not if I am not in the mood & he respects that.

He is a crap husband in lots of ways, but he gets our sex right.

Cricrichan · 03/10/2014 23:14

Anal sex seems to be a lot more normal now whereas it was practically unheard of outside the homosexual community when I was young. If you're with a younger person for whom this type of sex is normal then for him it may be no different to going down on someone.

Anyway we're going round in circles so carry on without me.

VeloWoman · 04/10/2014 00:28

Why are you so invested in trying to minimise and justify attempted rape, which it is in the eyes of the law?

Apologists like you are why so few women come forward.

FOTTFSOFAFOSM

Dirtybadger · 04/10/2014 01:33

I'd like to give young men more credit than to assume any of them would believe that putting their penis in a woman's unlubricated anus with no prior warning was the same as licking someone's vulva with no prior warning.

I stand by not believing (or having reason to believe) that there are lots of young men out there doing as described in the OP.

TDada · 04/10/2014 06:19

I feel sad for what u lost

Lweji · 04/10/2014 06:30

To put it simply, vaginal sex is the most "normal" sex, but, still you can't just shove it in there without making sure that's what the woman wants. Or do you, Cri?

MrBuscuits · 05/10/2014 06:50

Chricrichan, it does seem this thread has run its course, OP didn't consent to this and that's the bottom line. Damn, that probably sounded better in my head when typed. I am so anal when it comes to posting on tricky subjects like this.... (gets coat) Grin

The guy knew full well what he was doing, and thought he could get away with it. No matter what type of relationship OP has with him, this was not on, and if I was in her shoes would be speaking to the police about this. Unless the guy 'swung both ways' or really is into porn and that naive, I can't see how he could make such a mistake. He was setting out to humiliate her, because due to the nature of the relationship, anything was fair game in his opinion.

YonicScrewdriver · 05/10/2014 08:46

"Unless the guy 'swung both ways' "

This is irrelevant, attempting to put a penis into an arse without consent is sexual assault whether the arse is male or female. And can't believe the requirement for lube is any different either.

But hey, as long as you got to tell your jokes about someone else's distressing incident, I doubt you care.

GinAndSonic · 05/10/2014 11:09

Seriously MrBuscuits, your jokes are not appropriate for this thread.

HampshireBoy · 06/10/2014 12:56

To put it simply, vaginal sex is the most "normal" sex, but, still you can't just shove it in there without making sure that's what the woman wants.

Unlike some of the analogies used on this thread this is a very good one. As a man I shouldn't need a form signed in triplicate to say I have permission to do something, and by the same token neither should a woman, but you do need some sort of consent and consent for one thing doesn't give free reign for all others. Especially as this was the first time he should have been even more careful to be sure the OP was comfortable with this. Hopefully he will learn to be more respectful next time and hopefully it hasn't scared the OP, not all men are like this guy.

scallopsrgreat · 06/10/2014 13:58

Well anyone else wanting to penetrate your body would need to you to sign consent forms Hampshire, just to put it in perspective. So asking whether something you are about to do is OK isn't really asking for much is it?

It is very telling that it is mainly men minimising this, summed up by this: "It wasn't against her will though, was it?". I'm not sure how much clearer the OP could have made this. "There was no discussion, he didn't ask for my consent". They'd never talked about it. He didn't check. She went beserk when he stuck his dick into her. What part of that makes it unclear that she hadn't consented? Unless you think that women are in a permanent state of consent until they decree otherwise?

In subsequent posts the OP described this man as becoming agitated because she had the temerity to fall asleep rather than pleasure him. His sense of entitlement is incredible. And no matter what spin you put on it, it is the man doing the penetration that needs to gain consent. That's what the law says. That's what human decency and respect says. You are a scary bunch and really should just stay away from women.

HampshireBoy · 06/10/2014 14:14

You are a scary bunch and really should just stay away from women.
If that is aimed at me you really haven't read my posts on this topic.

AbbieHoffmansAfro · 06/10/2014 15:02

To be fair to Hampshire, he did also say:
you do need some sort of consent and consent for one thing doesn't give free reign for all others.

Mugg1ns · 06/10/2014 15:04

Surely it would be painful for a man to force his engorged penis into an unlubricated aperture no ?

scallopsrgreat · 06/10/2014 16:35

No it wasn't aimed at you Hampshire. I just picked up on your signing forms in triplicate comment because in other spheres of life penetrating someone's body does require written consent. And to be quite honest some of the people on this thread should perhaps be required to draw up and sign something as they clearly don't understand or care about consent. I haven't had a problem with any of your posts. So apologies it came over that way.

Lucylloyd13 · 06/10/2014 16:38

I wouldn't be too harsh on him. In a newish relationship, sometimes the other person taking the lead can be exciting.

Personally, I am not into unannounced backdoor deliveries. But so long as you have been clear with him. That you either don't do backdoor, or you will when you are happy to do so, you should be fine.

On the up side I bet a twenty year old is keeping you busy!

AbbieHoffmansAfro · 06/10/2014 16:42

Lucy, the OP has been clear that she was not happy: she even refers to feeling 'violated' in the OP. So what on earth is your post about?

scallopsrgreat · 06/10/2014 16:44

I don't understand why 'taking the lead' and asking before sticking your cock into someone's anus are mutually exclusive?

HampshireBoy · 06/10/2014 17:27

No problem scallopsrgreat TBH once I read your post again I realised it probably wasn't me you were aiming at.

And I'd always ask before sticking my cock in someone's anus, even if I'd been there before. Just because you've done something before doesn't mean you always fancy it. (yes I know the OP made clear they'd never even talked about it let alone done it before, before anyone leaps in)

Dirtybadger · 06/10/2014 17:31

MrBuscuits you do realise that not all gay men enjoy or engage in anal sex, yes? And that you gay men can also be raped anally? No idea what your "swung the other way" comment has to do with anything. At all. Slow clap for reinforcing the bullshit myths that already exist around homosexual relationships, though.

I'm off to scissor.

TheHoneyBadger · 07/10/2014 08:04

'unannounced backdoor deliveries' really??? you get that that is called anal rape right? way to trivialise it. would you be ok with unannounced frontdoor deliveries? do you hear yourself?

Lucylloyd13 · 07/10/2014 11:01

Honeybadger, I do not approve of unconsenting sexing any shape or form.

It is you that trivialises rape by equating the circumstances of two people who are already in bed, and have already had sexual relations, and one attempts something new, with a man anally taking a woman whom he may not know or had any contact with whatsoever. Forced, unconsented sex is rape, but by equating the above two situations you make rape claims more difficult, not easier.

Sex should be fun. It can also be about exploring, that means that mistakes between two sexually engaged couples can occur.

KateeGee · 07/10/2014 12:30

What is sticking your penis up someone's anus without giving them a choice or asking if they want it if not forced and unconsented?

It also sounds a lot like you are saying it can't be rape if you have already had a sexual relationship with the other person.