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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Sex act without permission...not sure how to feel?

341 replies

pushtheskyaway · 02/10/2014 01:49

This happened a few weeks ago now, and I really don't know if I am over-reacting or not?

I have a sexual partner (not officially a couple due to age difference; I am 34 and he is 20) who I have been sleeping with since the spring. We were lazing around in bed hungover, and I was frankly that tired I was half awake at best. I was lying on my front, and he started touching me; which then progressed to sex. I was kind of into it, but not feeling it 100% as I was so exhausted. My partner then suddenly pulled out, and attempted to penetrate me anally!

We have never done anal, nor even talked about the possibility of doing it before. There was no discussion, he didn't ask for my consent...just tried to stick it in! I went ballistic with him, and he apologised but couldn't really explain why he had done it.

I know he is young, has doubtless seen it in porn and whatnot, but I can't help but feel a bit violated. He had a few sexual issues when we first got together; which I have helped him to over come. Now I feel my reward is to have him try and painfully ram himself up my back passage. I would appreciate others viewpoints as I really don't know if I should give him the benefit of the doubt or not? It is not the act itself that I am against; more so the way he went about it...

OP posts:

VeloWoman · 03/10/2014 11:46

Op this thread seems to have brought out a number of male low post count members, perhaps they hang around parenting forums waiting for sex threads to post on? Who knows really, anyway what he did was attempted rape (forcibly tried to penetrate you without your consent) he is entirely at fault and I would encourage you to trust your instincts and not have sex with him again.

To all the lurkers, get a life!

JaceyBee · 03/10/2014 12:27

OP I'm also sleeping with a guy who's 11 years younger, he's 24 and I'm 35. He's never had anal before, I have. While he's made it clear he'd like to try it he would never, ever try and ram it up there unsolicited and understands it's a very big deal and needs to be approached as such. And like the guy involved here, he's never had an ongoing thing just a lot of one/two night stands. So I don't agree with posters who are saying it follows because of your situation.

What he did was 100% wrong and if he doesn't know it then he's a fucking moron quite frankly.

Hope you're ok OP

lomega · 03/10/2014 12:30

It makes me really angry that he did this to you. Are you a living human being or just a toy? Buy him an anal fleshlight from Ann Summers if he wants to do that.

I know some couples like anal and enjoy it but it is not for everyone. He really should have asked first and then accepted it gracefully when you say no, if indeed you didn't want to try it.

TheHoneyBadger · 03/10/2014 13:02

agreed - we've had some real creeps come out of the woodwork on here.

whilst pretending to be nice guys who agree they keep asserting that this is somehow normal and ok or bravado or being a man.

HampshireBoy · 03/10/2014 13:38

whilst pretending to be nice guys who agree they keep asserting that this is somehow normal and ok or bravado or being a man.

Speaking as a low post count male I've never asserted that and agreed that I'm not surprised and entirely understand why the OP was so offended and felt violated. There probably are some guys who will boast to their mates about what women "let" them do, most of it probably made up.

Some men and women like anal, some don't or would never entertain the idea - what is unacceptable is "going for it" with no discussion or attempt to go slowly. For example if he had tried exploring with a finger first, and I don't mean plunge full on in BTW just stroke with a fingertip, it would have given her the chance to say yes I like or no I don't. Hopefully he will learn and treat his next woman better.

lurkernowposter · 03/10/2014 14:44

"whilst pretending to be nice guys who agree they keep asserting that this is somehow normal and ok or bravado or being a man."

You must have been reading different posts to me, i haven't read any posts that said what happened was acceptable, normal and ok, bravado or being a man.

Of course if someone is determined to take offence at a post they will interpret it in a way that suits them.

TheHoneyBadger · 03/10/2014 14:54

lurker you have so much interest in defending men and not wanting us to be 'harsh' re: dumping someone for sticking their dick up your arse without permission. bless you for supporting those poor misunderstood men.

pompodd · 03/10/2014 15:11

low post count male here too. I'm right behind the OP and have been since she started the thread.

lurkernowposter · 03/10/2014 15:16

TheHoneyBadger, do you troll everyone on here or is it just me? I have never defended any man for sticking their dick up someones arse without permission.

To suggest i would defend a rapist is highly offensive, an outright lie and completely uncalled for.

Darkesteyes · 03/10/2014 15:24

"This thread has really brought it home to me how many people are happy to excuse unacceptable male behaviour, and take the attitude that is is the woman's fault for (golly gosh) waning to indulge in sexual behaviour outside of a committed relationship. I mean, how dare I? I clearly just set myself up for this to happen with my whorish way"

OP You have just seen the Madonna/whore complex played out quite spectacularly.

pompodd · 03/10/2014 15:29

The difficulty with this subject on an open forum like this is that it's easy to misrepresent what you mean (or indeed be misrepresented). I think it's therefore important to choose your words very carefully.

lurker - I think you have maybe found it difficult to say exactly what you mean. But you have been given plenty of opportunities to clarify and, well, you haven't really.

TheHoneyBadger · 03/10/2014 15:36

accusing people of being a troll is against mumsnet rules lurker - criticising someone's attitudes towards sexually active women or rapey behaviour is not.

AbbieHoffmansAfro · 03/10/2014 15:40

However would it realistically be expected to talk about every thing you want to do?

Yes. This is not difficult. Wish people would stop equivocating. And implying that discussion and boundary-setting is solely the woman's responsibility while the man naturally goes ahead and does everything he is not specifically told he must NOT do.

Aged 20 or not, there is no excuse for being like that, it is a fundamentally disrespectful and exploitative mindset. And being in a FWB set-up does not give anyone a licence to be disrespectful or exploitative either.

lurkernowposter · 03/10/2014 15:43

I don't agree pompodd, i think its perfectly clear.

As i said yesterday in reply to you, "That is essentially what I was trying to say, where you have a couple who don't know each other that well and haven't previously discussed what is appropriate you have one of them making an assumption about what is acceptable and getting it wrong. Just because they haven't discussed something does not make it acceptable for one partner to make that assumption or excuse their behaviour."

What exactly is so difficult to understand? I don't think that makes me an apologist for rapists as The HoneyBadger has said, nor do i think i deserve to be branded a rapist by another poster on here.

pompodd · 03/10/2014 15:48

lurker - it's exactly that formulation you use that's problematic - "one of them making an assumption about what is acceptable and getting it wrong".

It was not the assumption that was wrong here. It was the mindset which led to an adult man deciding that he didn't need to ask specifically before attempting such an intimate and potentially harmful act. It's that that was wrong.

The way you write your posts it's as if you're saying: "It's difficult with someone you don't know that well. He made an assumption and it turned out to be an honest mistake. These things happen."

Do you see the difference?

lurkernowposter · 03/10/2014 15:48

Really TheHoneyBafger, so what exactly is my attitude to sexually active women? Try not to make something up this time and stick to the facts.

I have consistently said the man in questions rapey behaviour was unacceptable. Please provide a quote where i said otherwise, if you can.

lurkernowposter · 03/10/2014 15:54

Pompodd i suppose you could interpret what i said in that way, if you chose to, but i think it's clear that's not what i meant. I have consistently said what was happened was unacceptable, it was wrong, i don't believe i have ever suggested, "these things just happen", they obviously don't.

AbbieHoffmansAfro · 03/10/2014 15:54

Well, both the mindset and assumption were wrong.

Even at my most charitable, all I can think is that he (i) either didn't address his mind to the OP's attitude to this at all, which makes him recklessly indifferent to whether she was consenting (and if so he was treating her like a sex object), or (ii) must have reckoned 'Oh well, if she doesn't like it she can stop me', which means he was happy to commence knowing there was no consent and that was ok because he'd stop if asked to.

Both of those attitudes are terrible really. And yes, I expect he isn't a monster and will see the error of his ways now OP has set him straight but I could perfectly understand OP saying the thrill is gone (and the trust) so she can't be bothered any more.

pompodd · 03/10/2014 16:00

abbie - sorry, you're right of course. Both assumption and mindset were wrong. It's just that earlier in the thread I was challenging lurker's use of the term "assumption" in the first place because I think implicitly letting the bloke off the hook in some way because he made an honest but mistaken "assumption" is bullshit.

pompodd · 03/10/2014 16:02

lurker - genuine question then. Why did you say that you thought the OP was being "harsh" in her reaction to this situation?

lurkernowposter · 03/10/2014 16:18

pompodd Taking in to account this mans youth, relative inexperience and the possibility he genuinely thought the OP would not object to what he attempted (I don't know what was going through his mind at the time). In other words giving him the benefit of the doubt in a huge way. I did say, in my opinion dumping him was a little harsh BUT at the same time perfectly understandable.

Since i said that the OP has gone on to say he is bi and not that inexperienced at all in which case he really should have known better.

Bigoldsupermoon · 03/10/2014 16:35

God, this thread is fucking creepy.

OP: so sorry you've found yourself in this position where a friend and sexual partner has violated your boundaries and left you shocked and upset. I wouldn't want to be intimate with him again, nor would I want to remain friends, but it's completely shit that you've been made to deal with this. Sounds like your 'friend' was way out of line and I totally agree with other posters - of course he knew what he was doing. He decided to try something without your consent because he wanted to, and didn't care enough about you or your desires to check. He's a shit and I'm not surprised you feel massively let down and shaken.

On another note, good on you for sticking to your guns, and seeing and calling out the rape apologism on this thread for what it is. Far too often, men get away with shit because we're happy to treat them like overgrown children or puppies. It's BS, and you're not wrong to expect and demand better.

pompodd · 03/10/2014 16:39

lurker - that's where I think we have to disagree. I simply cannot see how you could possibly give this man the "benefit of the doubt". Because I don't agree that there could be room for doubt - in any right-thinking man's head - in the first place.

Your taking into account youth, inexperience and all the rest is dangerously close to an apology for his actions.

lurkernowposter · 03/10/2014 16:53

Pompodd, i don't see it that way. Just because you might see how a young man who doesn't know any better might make a mistake doesn't mean you condone or excuse their actions but as i just said, the OP has since said he is not some naive young man who doesn't know any better. In which case what he did was out of order and as i said at the time, dumping him is perfectly understandable.

TheHoneyBadger · 03/10/2014 17:36

'the benefit of the doubt' - what's the doubt? that he misread things, that it's an honest mistake, that this kind of thing is ok and understandable in the context of being young?

people's issue with you is your sense that there is a doubt.

sticking your dick up someone's unlubricated arse when they're half asleep lying on their front leaves no room for doubt. to see 'room for doubt' and that dumping him is 'harsh' is what reveals your attitude. not the fluff words in between or bracketing such dodgy attitudes.

and the sense that he might not know any better. really? you think, other than rapey individuals, there is an ignorance amongst human beings that sticking things up people arses without their express desire and consent is NOT OK? are we talking normal spectrum people here who haven't been raised by wolves?

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