Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sex act without permission...not sure how to feel?

341 replies

pushtheskyaway · 02/10/2014 01:49

This happened a few weeks ago now, and I really don't know if I am over-reacting or not?

I have a sexual partner (not officially a couple due to age difference; I am 34 and he is 20) who I have been sleeping with since the spring. We were lazing around in bed hungover, and I was frankly that tired I was half awake at best. I was lying on my front, and he started touching me; which then progressed to sex. I was kind of into it, but not feeling it 100% as I was so exhausted. My partner then suddenly pulled out, and attempted to penetrate me anally!

We have never done anal, nor even talked about the possibility of doing it before. There was no discussion, he didn't ask for my consent...just tried to stick it in! I went ballistic with him, and he apologised but couldn't really explain why he had done it.

I know he is young, has doubtless seen it in porn and whatnot, but I can't help but feel a bit violated. He had a few sexual issues when we first got together; which I have helped him to over come. Now I feel my reward is to have him try and painfully ram himself up my back passage. I would appreciate others viewpoints as I really don't know if I should give him the benefit of the doubt or not? It is not the act itself that I am against; more so the way he went about it...

OP posts:
TheHoneyBadger · 03/10/2014 17:40

also you think it's clear (what you're saying is not rapey) yet everybody else disagrees - maybe you need to look again? maybe, just like that consent thing, dialogue, discussion, relating, sex etc require two way appreciation where you check in that what you think is clear is actually how it is for the other person too. the fact that you can't accept that everyone on this thread is telling how what you are saying speaks to them has validity speaks volumes of your understanding of that two way, two sides, mutual understanding and 'tune in' that we're talking about necessary to consensual (enthusiastic yes) sex. maybe thats why you're so forgiving of the concept of others 'not getting it' because you yourself have issues in this area.

this doesn't make me a troll incidentally. people are allowed to disagree and pick you up on things without being called trolls.

TheHoneyBadger · 03/10/2014 17:41

also can i ask - are you male or female - i'm getting mixed messages and would appreciate if you would clarify.

lurkernowposter · 03/10/2014 17:54

TheHoneyBadger, it's not about my 'issues' its about my own experience, when i first read this thread i thought back to when i was that age. I wasn't as experienced as the man in question, i was actually quite shy, my then gf and i never discussed consent and we certainly didn't discuss anal sex, i'd have ran a mile, far to embarrassing! We did however manage to experiment a lot despite never actually talking about sex. Sometimes i did things i realised she didn't actually like, sometimes she did things i didn't like. We didn't split up over it, that's not to minimise the OP's experience or feelings, they are perfectly valid.

So yes, in some circumstances there is benefit of the doubt and yes honest mistakes can be made.

You are perfectly entitled to disagree with me but i don't think that entitles you to make things up and throw insults about, despite the fact we might not agree iv'e always treated you with the respect you deserve and simply ask for the same in return.

TheHoneyBadger · 03/10/2014 18:47

sorry, so you are male then yes?

and you're comparing youthful experimentation in a relationship with sticking your dick up someone's arse unlubricated and without consent yes?

just trying to clarify here.

lurkernowposter · 03/10/2014 18:57

No, I'm not comparing that to rape, that would be ludicrous, as would suggesting I was making that comparison.

lurkernowposter · 03/10/2014 19:00

You asked how there could be benefit of the doubt and I gave you a valid example. I don't believe there is any misunderstanding between us. I think your just being deliberately argumentative.

YonicScrewdriver · 03/10/2014 19:36

It's weird how no one ever says about any other crime committed by a 20 year old "ah, well, he watched a lot of horror/spy/crime films so you can understand him getting confused."

CrotchMaven · 03/10/2014 19:46

Really, if you're too fearful of rejection to say "is this OK?" or "shall we try this?" and just want to blunder on in the hope that it'll be ok, then you are not mature enough to be having intimate interactions with other people. And that's me at my most charitable.

OP, I hear you and totally get where you are coming from on this.

Cricrichan · 03/10/2014 21:58

A 20 year old man, however experienced, cannot be that experienced. His precious sexual partners in turn were probably not that experienced so they may have accepted things because they thought that's the way things should be.

The fact that he shoved himself the way he did highlights that he's actually quite inexperienced or emulating what he's seen in.porn. maybe he was trying to impress her or something. Like the op says they get on really well etc but he may feel a bit inadequate because he's younger and may be trying to prove something to her.

Cricrichan · 03/10/2014 21:59

*previous not precious (have had wine)

CrotchMaven · 03/10/2014 22:07

You do not have to be experienced to be respectful.

Dirtybadger · 03/10/2014 22:17

I'm 23. I've had a "decent" (I.e. Not too limited) number of male partners. I've had anal sex with a number of them. Just like to put the below in context as a few "defenders" seem to be doing so on the basis that diddums he's 20 and doesn't understand sexual convention/human anatomy/the law.

All those men asked. Explicitly before (and then less explicitly during) or explicitly during. No grey areas, really.

It's anecdotal but I do feel assured by this that most 20 something men do realise it's inappropriate (and wrong!) to try to fuck someones arse without asking. And I would also make a point of saying that lots of those men weren't even particularly respectful. They weren't loving relationships. With some regret I'd say I was a commodity, for some. So basically even the twats with little respect for women and a sex education almost entirely from porn made sure I was okay with it.

People have some seriously low expectations of young men. If I were a 20 year old bloke reading this I think I'd be insulted at the insinuation that because I hadn't had many sexual partners and had watched a fair bit of porn, I was naive and entitled enough to go around attempting to have anal sex without my (sexual/romantic) partners consent.

Darkesteyes · 03/10/2014 22:27

Cricri it was without her consent Why is that so hard for people to understand.

Darkesteyes · 03/10/2014 22:30

When it comes to a young man penetrating someone without their consent its ahhh poor diddums hes just inexperienced .

Yet if a young man took a gun into work or the classroom and annihilated his work/classmates there isnt a problem with treating him like an adult who is responsible for his own actions then!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cricrichan · 03/10/2014 22:40

They were lazing around and he was having vaginal sex with her and then he pulled out and tried analysis sex. Yes, he should have gone about it differently but imo he was just trying something new. I don't see the problem? He didn't carry on against her will.

Darkesteyes · 03/10/2014 22:42

He shouldnt have fucking started it against her will.

Its funny how he waited till she was tired/hungover isnt it.

Cricrichan · 03/10/2014 22:48

It wasn't against her will though, was it? When you have sex you don't discuss every detail - can I touch your breasts/give you a blow job/ cunnilingus/ touch you whilst penetrative you etc etc. It's about trying and finding out what you each like.

Darkesteyes · 03/10/2014 22:48

Are you George Galloway?

Cricrichan · 03/10/2014 22:49

And she was tired and hungover she wasn't drunk. Tired and hungover you're still wholly in charge of your senses.

Darkesteyes · 03/10/2014 22:50

It WAS against her will Thats the whole reason she was posting this thread which incidentally she has had to hide because of rape apologism like yours.

But im actually not surprised youve posted this shit Cri.

Cricrichan · 03/10/2014 22:56

She can't have been that convinced if she sought advice from a forum.

And you comparing mass murder with this is absolutely ridiculous.

Lweji · 03/10/2014 22:57

For people who think he was just trying something different, I wonder how he'd feel (and how they would feel) if she had suddenly penetrated his anus with a large object without his explicit permission

Lweji · 03/10/2014 22:59

There is an excellent rule that states that my freedom ends where someone else's freedom starts.
He wasn't inexperienced.
At best he was rude. At worst... it could mean a jail sentence.

Darkesteyes · 03/10/2014 23:00

Cri i used that analogy to point out that an adult male is responsible for his own actions in every area of his life.

A sexual /FWB relationship is not a get out of jail card for being responsible for his own actions.

Darkesteyes · 03/10/2014 23:02

Maybe she felt she had to seek advice precisely BECAUSE of the rape apologism there is in society.

Its vomit inducing.

Swipe left for the next trending thread