Seeing the light, and healing the hurt. Breaking free from 'him'.

[surereadyforchange]

Hello, this is a new thread following on from my last one where I received lots of wonderful advice and support regarding the reality of the situation I was in with an abusive shit of a 'man'.
I am seeing things more and more for what they are now, but I still have along way to go
Old thread here:
Previous thread

Hi all, been busy with DS and house.

Talking- what you said about EA and self image is so right. Not just 'him', i don't think i actually even loved him -he was just able to break me down the way he did due to my self -image and self-esteem...and that was determined in childhood by my mum, dad, and sister.
Thank you and I wish you well with your own journey.
Tipsy, ipoke and Jux - thank you so much.

..and thanks Pacific.
Ipoke, reading that link-its things i already knew IYSWIM, but it made no difference to HIM. I knew he was a wrongun 4 months in.
I told him over and over it wasn't the norm, he was out of order etc. My mistake at first was to try to understand it (i always want to blimmin understand everything) and to help him (i know)
And then it really was a case of he wouldn't (and still won't ) let me go.
I felt a right idiot explaining to tutor how we had only been together 4 months, 4.5 YEARS ago. I think she thought i didn't leave because I thought he was great and loved him.
But it really is him Not. Letting. Me. Go.
My self worth prevented me from bothering others for help with this, while he played on my insecurities. I don't know.
Like my OP- it is ridiculous and insidious how I slowly ended up at this point, not really being sure of how i got here.

Sure ......i think we can all see that you know and understand he is a bad one but you also need to believe that you are worth so much, and that you have every right to live your life free of the harassment and intimidation that he has subjected you to. That means believing that you are worth bothering others about this situation in order to help you get out of it. This man will never change and you can see that from all the repeated emails over the years, his promises to change and all the other meaningless things he has said to bring you back under his control.

Your words about him not.letting.you.go have given me chills and makes me think that you need whatever protection the law can give you....restraining order, anti- molestation order, whatever is possible.this is a dangerous man and you understand the insidious nature of the beast....he won't let go until he is forced to do so....and imho that means believing in yourself and your own worth enough to bring in the police, press charges against his for harassment and stalking....make him realise that he cannot treat you this way. You are not an idiot and you do deserve the protection of the law against this evil bastard. Stay safe.

Oh god-i just stopped to get fuel on way back from DSs dads to mine and i thought i saw his car go past. Pulled into petrol station, hos car came back from opposite direction it had been going and pulled into bus stop and he came over when i was putting fuel in. Couldn't go anywhere. Just kept thinking what you guys had said- dull, uninterested -i ignored him. Didn't make eye contact. Didn't reply.
He pretended to buy something then approached me again in queue to pay. Was chatting with DS who obv recognised him and was happy to reply. I just kept thinking dull, uninterested, don't reply.
I can't even remember what he said. I've had to pull over.

Home now.
Ipoke - thank you . You are right, I need to believe I am worth bothering others about this.
WA appointment tomorrow. What do I need to take? Do I need a list...I don't know exactly what to put on it. I am scared they will just say well he's not come round your house and he hasn't attacked you, you're fine sort of thing.
Is anyone there?
You do believe me don't you? I realise that it all sounds a bit weird - but all of this has happened to me, is happening.
It will be on cctv him approaching me at the petrol station- somewhere there is evidence I am not making ANY of this up..

sure what a horrible experience, kind of stalkerish but you handled it perfectly! Of COURSE we believe you, dear heart!

Thank goodness you have a WA appt tomorrow. The man is a nutter, you were terrified but extremely courageous to front it out in dignified "safe mode". It takes a lot of grit to use the adrenaline of fear like that ... you're awesome!

Of course we believe you, sure. What a horrible shock and very well done to you for not getting drawn in and engaging. You handled it brilliantly.

And yes, IPoke is right. You are definitely worth more.

Thank you for your kind wishes... Wishing you extra strength tonight, and hope you can find some comfort in the words of strangers who care about you - it must have left you shaken up. I am exhausted so won't be up much longer but you are being thought of and you are believed.

Good luck for tomorrow too. xx

Tipsytrifle thank you so much for replying- and believing me!
What is weird is that I was in DS' dads village which is the next one on from one that 'he' is in a lot doing a particular sport.
Two things make me think he may have bee following me:
That my car is quite recognisable, and he knows where DS' dad lives, he could easily have gone past end of the road to see if I was there, which I am fairly frequently. This makes me think he knew I was there and was hanging around.
When I went to go into the petrol station, I went to go in the car park, realised I was facing the wrong way for the pumps, came out and went in another way (so went in and came out again) which was ehen I saw what I thought was his car going past, so it could have been that he was following me. Then I saw him drive back from the direction he had come, so he'd either been following me or seen my car and turned round to come back. He also didn't go into the car park, he didn't let me out of his sight he just parked in the bus stop opposite and strode across the road holding his arms out to the side (making himself big) and calling my name.

He waited inside for me as well. There was no way he just happened to be there. No way.

Thank you Talking, your words are a huge comfort. Sleep well. xx

I utterly support your interpretation of events. He was stalking, on the verge of harassing, no doubt about that. Please get it noted Officially! You're home and safe, doors all locked so it's ok to relax. You're in your space now.

I think, suspecting what you suspect, that this is the time to pick up the phone and report this incedent.
So far he has been told to leave you alone by your first message to him.
You have very sucessfully avoided replying to his texts.
He has tried emailing
You have blocked emails and social media.
He has tried using different emails/numbers and you have blocked all those.
When that didnt work he wrote a letter you your house
There is a suspicion that DrainWoman was sent in as a spy and has fed him the information that you had collected numbers of WA/police.
You have spoken and logged it with all the right people, but so far noone independant has warned him to stop.
It is long enough after Drain Woman for him to wonder whether you have actually contacted anyone, because they havent told him to stop - so maybe he thinks you are too scared, and he is off the hook.

I dont think it is a coincidence AT ALL that he was where you are, and I would imagine that if he is free weekends then thats when he has been watching you.

You did amazingly well to do the dull and disinterested, but I really feel you should call at least 101 and get their advice, and get them to have a word. They all want to help, they are probably chomping at the bit to warn him off, but they cant do that until you let them.

Call them now and get this fucker away from you and your lovely son, because frankly he is getting even creepier and more frightening by the day.

He is following you Sure; no doubt about it.

Please report it. And the rape/s.

What tipsy said! We are rooting for you.

Thanks all
Will discuss all with WA today and i will report him.
He's not getting away with it.
What do i need to take to WA appointment? I don't want to miss anything.

Oh, sure, I missed what happened yesterday - poor you, but well handled . That must have been so unsettling and scary; don't let it throw you.

I don't know that you have to take anything specific to your WA appointment. If you have a 'portable' record of emails/texts etc from him, maybe take that?

V best of luck. I hope the appointment will help you do see a way forward a bit more clearly.

Thank you Pacific.
As it's been going on so long i am worried I'll miss something.

Been away this weekend sure so just caught up. The petrol station thing sounds utterly chilling, well done for keeping your cool.

I wonder if it is a common stalkerish tactic, turning up somewhere with just enough of a tenuous reason for being to cover their backsides, rather than the more obvious locations. It also keeps you on edge thinking they might appear.

Definitely report it. He knows you don't want contact but went out of his way to initiate contact with your son. If he wasn't following you he could have avoided the confrontation, but he wanted it.

Haven't got time to post more just now take care, sure

Uurgh how dare he! You've done so well ignoring him and not allowing yourself to be drawn in, I think he's looking for an opening, a teeny crack in your armor to worm his way in and start messing with your head again.

Absolutely believe you by the way - for your WA appointment could you print out your original OP in case you are stuck for words?

Thanks Ellasmum and Sootgremlin i am printing out op in library.
I'll add on the end about the unwanted contact since.

Popping in to wish you well at WA, and to add my support too - you handled him brilliantly at the weekend. Just hand them your OP to read, if you are stuck. Hoping that you get every bit of support that you thoroughly deserve.

Well I'm here early, waiting outside plucking up courage. I worry they'll be a bit like on the phone 'well you're not in immediate danger what's yr problem' kind of thing.
This all feels so surreal.
Thank you all for helping me get to this point. I'll update later on.

Sending you psychic rays of power and confidence.

So much...update when I'm home.
My head is spinning.

Well, it sounds like they took you seriously! That in itself is a Good Thing. Well done, it must have been a tough thing to get through.

Hope it went well sure.