Seeing the light, and healing the hurt. Breaking free from 'him'.

[surereadyforchange]

Hello, this is a new thread following on from my last one where I received lots of wonderful advice and support regarding the reality of the situation I was in with an abusive shit of a 'man'.
I am seeing things more and more for what they are now, but I still have along way to go
Old thread here:
Previous thread

so proud of you getting this far.

Hope you're feeling ok getting it all out and it was helpful.

Give yourself some time to decompress

Hi everyone, updating briefly on WA appointment before i go to get DS.

I sort of managed to get everything out, asked her what she thought.
She advised speaking to the police.
As I just can't seem to see that it is bad (feel I am being a bit unreasonable/making a fuss about nothing) I asked her to tell me how she sees it.

She was really professional and she said that during the assessment they use a score to determine risk etc. They take into account things like intimidation, harassment, sexual violence, physical violence, how I feel about it ie am I depressed, is it affecting my life.. and so on, and she explained that I have scored highly, putting me in the high-risk category.

This means they HAVE to safeguard me and my son.
She immediately put a critical police marker on my address/name/phone number so that if anything happens they will be there in minutes.

She said I must speak to the school.
Have a STI test.
Arranging for me to speak to police.
My case will be taken to a multidisciplinary meeting where different people such as social workers will be notified.
She is obligated to tell social services but she said as long as I don't cease contact with them and do things like speak to the school, involve police they will see me as a fit mum.
It all feels a bit full on.
She advised and offered me a refuge place, which I refused as I don't want to unsettle DS.
I went to the walk-in sexual health clinic, they had no appointments but a lady took me into a side room and said she'll try and sort me out this week. Told her I've just come from womens aid and she wrote D.V on a bit of paper and said i'd need a full screening.
Feel like a piece of battered meat.

What have I done?

You've started to remove yourself from a very abusive situation, sure. I can't imagine what that's like. I think you're much stronger than you realise (and that's partly why you don't see that it's a big deal).

Very well done xx

No wonder your head's spinning, it's an awful lot to take in. Just keep in perspective that this is not something you've done, all the procedures they put in place are a bit scary, but they are there to protect you and your ds, they are on your side. They aren't monitoring you, they are monitoring him. If he does nothing, there'll be nothing to report.

He's already followed you and spoken to your ds, if he turns up at your residence or uni and you call the police, it will be taken seriously, and might be enough to end all this.

Your son won't be affected by his school knowing all this, it just means he has an extra layer of protection, no room for this guy to approach him, or the school to make a mistake.

You've said yourself, he won't let you go. You're now going to get some help with that, that's all. It is an utterly horrible situation you are in, but this is just another step in getting it resolved once and for all.

I'm very private and independent and sense you are too and this probably feels mortifying. It's a means to an end, that's all. Paperwork, procedures, people knowing your business, awful, but all it means is you're not dealing with this on your own

what you have done is taken the very brave steps to protect yourself and you child, and set the wheels in motions for the professionals to ensure that the bastard stays away.

You have taken huge scary steps because you have normalised and minimised dangerous behaviours and now you are seeing just how close to the edge that you had been sailing, and the real consequences of this horrible man's influences.

All of this is frightening, shocking and worrying for you, but these people know how to protect you, how to make sure that you and your son are safe from harm, and hopefully, with what you have done, to protect any future women that this sick sick bastard would like to inflict the same kind of treatment on.

You are building, with help, the bars on your shark cage, so that you are safe in the future and so that your son grows up with healthy boundaries in his relationships.

You should be very proud

You've done the right thing. I know it doesn't feel like it very much at the moment, but that's because the denial that has sustained you through these years of abuse is starting to be rubbed away. Of course you feel raw. But the long term result of this will be proper protection for you and your DS, and that is why it is the right thing.

The person who has done something to be deeply ashamed of, and to be very worried about the consequences of, is 'him'.

I can understand how it all feels too full on now, I have to say I wouldn't have expected such a lot of involvement of different bodies either seeing as you don't live with him, it must feel invasive to have to involve school and so on... But the fact is, this man raped you and has repeatedly sexually and emotionally abused you over a period of years, and you weren't able to keep him out of your life (for reasons that were none of your fault) so you need this support to do so.

The fact is that when he raped you he treated you like a piece of meat to be battered but you've soldiered on alone for so long that you've suppressed a lot of your natural reactions, and now in the light of other people's responses you're starting to see how bad what he's done to you actually is, and yes, that hurts. I'm so sorry.

There's probably a lot of hurt to come up, a lot of grieving to be done somewhere along the line, but believe me, even though it hurts now, it's infinitely better than the alternative, which would have been to carry on in this abusive situation for yet more years, to sustain more and more hurt - emotional and physical - along the way. This man was a real threat to your and your DS's safety, and he still could be, unless he is dealt with by the police and whatever other agencies need to be involved.

You have been so strong. You have done something really courageous. Well done, I'm sorry it's been so harrowing today, but you have a lot to feel proud of in yourself, and this step you have taken will set you on the way to really getting clear of this 'man', and living your life in safety. It will get better. Extra for you sweetheart.

No wonder your head is spinning. You have been managing this situation and protecting your ds (and to a lesser extent, protecting yourself) for so long, that it may seem quite hard to believe that other people want to help you too, and that they will step in to make sure that you and your ds are safe.

It must go against the grain to hear them talk of safeguarding your darling ds as you have done such an amazing job of keeping him unaware of 'his' dark side. Once they meet your ds and see what an articulate and caring little boy he is, and see what a positive relationship he has with you then they will be reassured on that front. They can just continue to keep an eye on him.

Glad that you spoke to WA, but do look after yourself tonight. She took you seriously, but there is no shame in saying to us, or to her, that her advice seems overwhelming. You have been juggling for a long time - it may feel as if she has just thrown another six balls into the air for you to catch. She hasn't - they are the same balls as you are juggling - but it will take a while to learn to co-juggle with others rather than doing it all on your own.

In the meantime, hot chocolate and snuggles with ds would be good

Just wanted to send love and hugs and to let you know someone else is thinking about you x

This means they HAVE to safeguard me and my son

Re-read this Name - she is suitably worried about you to place an immediate marker on your house. If we had the power all of us would have wanted that from day 1.

What you have done is you have been brave, gone against all the conditioning and made a stand against him. In case we haven't said it loudly enough - this is abusive behaviour and he is a rapist. It takes alot of guts to do what you have done, and we are all right behind you. At the very least this may stop him from raping other women in the future.

Listen to the lady, she sees and hears it all and has put you in the high risk category. It must be a complete headfuck to hear that but she's right.

I concur with hot chocolate, snuggles and one day you really will be glad that today happened.

Yy ^ longtallsally has it in her last paragraph (the one with all the balls ) If you feel overwhelmed absolutely no shame in saying so, it will help them be more understanding, not less. They need to take things at your pace.

sure, so, so well done - of course you feel like some battered meat (such a descriptive turn of phrase): you have been through a wringer.

I am so glad you have been taken as serious as you deserve - consider the WA workers reaction to your situation as a mirror that shows you how bad the things were that you accepted. This is an extremely unsettling process: things you've 'accepted' as acceptable are not, the rug is pulled out from under your feet, and whatever 'certainties' you had are being questioned. This is really, really hard, but it is another step on your road of recovery and to finding the person you are and you deserve again.

I also agree re the 'safe guarding' issue. Please do not feel threatened by this - every post you mention your DS in makes it quite clear that he is your priority (and in fact in the midst of you being involved in this damaging relationship you took steps to protect him). Engage in the support offered, make his well-being your ongoing priority and nobody is going to question your ability to be a 'fit' (and loving) mother. Your DS deserves growing up with a happy and confident mother who has healthy relationships and who is able to model how people treat each other with kindness and respect.

Just to repeat what others have said: feeling overwhelmed is entirely understandable, quite common in your circumstances and in the stage of the process you find yourself at and absolutely nothing to be ashamed of or to doubt yourself about.

Take one day at a time - if you have any doubt how far you've come, read the OP of your first thread again.

What you have 'done' is to ensure that there are other people looking out for your welfare, providing protection, and you now don't have to cope with this alone. Well done!

These people have power and authority and resources, and you have them on your side.

What have I done?

You have taken another enormous step to being a most awesome woman who will stand up for her son and herself. You gathered an army around you. Accept it, you're pretty cool

Thank you all so much for being here for me, I really, truly, appreciate it.

I agree with tipsytrifle.....you are awesome Sure.....just be really gentle with yourself over the next couple of days. None of this is going to be easy, as others have said you will be grieving and raw and feeling exposed. But that exposure means that you are no longer alone, and his criminal behaviour is being made public so you no longer need to carry the burden of it in secret and by yourself. Believe us, you have made major progress and with the professional support you are gathering around you, you can get this abusive criminal rapist out of your life for good. Stay strong....and lean on us when you need to. You are not alone.

I suppose I am feeling the guilt. That I shouldn't be making a fuss, that I am just 'over reacting' or being 'over emotional'.
If I make a statement it just seems like I am going to be opening a massive can of worms.
Do you know, I can never remember a time in my life where I have stood up and said "No!" I can not remember a time when I said anything important and people listened. Even love from my parents was conditional.

"Don't exist" "Don't expect anything" "you are the one with the problems".

This feels completely alien. It has been so surreal.

I am even questioning MYSELF- about whether I am making it up or not. My rational mind KNOWS what happened. I just don't feel I have the right to complain, I suppose.
Making myself a fruit juice with a nip of vodka..need to calm myself down a bit.

I need to figure out my next move.

You would not be the first survivor of an abusive relationship who goes on to explore where their preparedness to accept what they did came from.
When the time feels right, see if you could speak to your GP about a referral for some form of talking therapy, not 'just' counselling.

You need to learn that YOU have every RIGHT to expect being treated with respect and love, to NOT have to put up with anything you are uncomfortable with. I think it is true that people who EXPECT to be treated right are more likely to end up with people who do just that.

That does not in any way put any kind of 'blame' on you, but it can be useful (when the time is right) to look at what path led you into this relationship - and, crucially, how to avoid it in the future.

It may have been mentioned once or twice already , but do consider doing the Freedom Program

I did ask about the freedom programme, Pacific , she said it is called something else now, but its 10-12 in the week and I don't want to miss too much of uni. We have loads of groupwork on and I just don't know how to explain myself. I don't want to be seen as the one with the problem/weak/skiving.

Look at it online.
Here
Just another idea - there are lots of way to learn the same thing about yourself: you are worth respect and love, and none of what happened was your fault.

I don't know what it's called now, mind

You are worth so much more than you are receiving or have received.

Look at the response your HoD gave you. Look at how your tutor behaves towards you. They value you. They value your intellect and your behaviour. They know you; they look at you without bias, with no axes to grind. They are objective and they think that you are worth it. You are worth helping, supporting, encouraging, teaching. That is one of the highest accolades you can get in rl.

You are important in your own right.

Pacific and Jux - thank you