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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Seeing the light, and healing the hurt. Breaking free from 'him'.

994 replies

surereadyforchange · 01/10/2014 15:18

Hello, this is a new thread following on from my last one where I received lots of wonderful advice and support regarding the reality of the situation I was in with an abusive shit of a 'man'.
I am seeing things more and more for what they are now, but I still have along way to go
Old thread here:
Previous thread

OP posts:
TalkingintheDark · 02/10/2014 23:24

Hi sure congratulations on the new name and new thread, just popping in to say hello and thinking of you.

'He' is making my blood boil. You have to get your head round the fact this man doesn't care for you at all, never cared for you. As you are now starting to see, it's all about him.

Could you add to your list calling that nice policeman again tomorrow, if he's still there? I think you said he's leaving this week, so it would be good if you could talk to him one more time to maybe get the name of his successor (if he knows it) and/or make sure that you're in the system so that you don't have to start from scratch with a new person. I don't suppose those numbers turned up? But if you can remember his name, then hopefully it should be easier to get put through to him anyway.

I think wallypops'suggested email to your tutor sounds very appropriate. Insider knowledge there!

Does KOKO mean keep on keeping on? If so... KOKO! You've got so many of us rooting for you. You'll have to start believing in yourself sooner or later...

EllasMum16 · 03/10/2014 08:15

Aww your DS sounds so lovely! A real credit to you :)

FruitbatAuntie · 03/10/2014 10:31

OP, I read your first thread and was appalled, not just at what your ex had been doing to you, but also that you couldn't see just how abusive and dangerous he is. I've been in an abusive relationship myself, so I know how that happens.

I am so glad you are taking action to ensure he never gets the chance to hurt you again - you have been amazing! I know it doesn't feel like it at the time, but honestly - you are being so strong and I wish you a very very much happier future, free from this animal.

Your DS sounds very similar to my eldest DS. I'm always amazed at how well my DS has coped with our situation, and how perceptive and kind he is. I think that is probably because I tried to ensure he was shielded from the abuse, as you did. The fact you did this (plus that gut feeling that said 'don't move in with him') shows you knew (at some level) what he was doing was abusive. Trust your instincts in future too.

Good luck with your course - onwards and upwards! Thanks

Original poster
surereadyforchange · 03/10/2014 11:28

Seeing head of department in 15 mins- need an opening sentence.
Failing to think of one that doesn't sound nuts!

OP posts:
PacificDogwood · 03/10/2014 11:32

Nothing you will say will be nuts - honest.
"I am in a difficult personal situation"
"I am leaving an abusive relationship, the police and WA are involved"

You can be as vague or as detailed as you want, but IME honesty and full disclosure will garner you the most support and goodwill.

You will be fine.
You will feel so much better once this meeting is over.
You deserve to have support on board - your tutor is very likely to want to help you if she knows what's going on.

PlumpPartridge · 03/10/2014 11:38

Good luck! Just be honest, if not necessarily detailed.

FatherReboolaConundrum · 03/10/2014 11:38

You won't sound nuts, really - remember that this probably won't be the first time that your tutor/head of department has had a student dealing with this type of situation. They are there to help and support you.

OvertiredandConfused · 03/10/2014 12:34

Hope it went well OP

Sootgremlin · 03/10/2014 12:43

Hope it went well.

Original poster
surereadyforchange · 03/10/2014 12:44

I saw head of dept.
She was lovely, very much well done you kind of thing, and just said to keep her informed as to if I need any leeway, which is there if I need it.
She also said i'm an excellent student and how well I've done even without taking into consideration my situation.
She is going to give my personal tutor a heads up so I don't have to just come out with it in my meeting with her later, which is brilliant as the first sentence of trying to explain is horrendous!
She was great though, and I diverted into practical ways on which I can not fall behind. So it was ok, if a bit surreal.
Thank you all for being behind me Flowers Flowers

OP posts:
PacificDogwood · 03/10/2014 12:51

Yay, well done! ThanksCakeBrew

The next time you have to talk about your situation, it will be less hard, honest.
I am glad she was supportive and nice.

Original poster
surereadyforchange · 03/10/2014 12:53

Thanks, Pacific Flowers
It all feels quite surreal. HoD was really pissed off with 'him'. Smile

OP posts:
PacificDogwood · 03/10/2014 12:56

The woman has Good Judgement Grin

Original poster
surereadyforchange · 03/10/2014 12:56

Next stop, personal tutor in an hour.
Gonna be quite busy this weekend with DS, feel like I need to make a list of what to take/say at WA apt on Monday so I feel prepared.

OP posts:
PlumpPartridge · 03/10/2014 12:57

So she should be! I'm glad you have a RL person (who isn't related to you) saying these things - every person you tell, you weaken his grip on you, because you're allowing a new worldview to creep in.

Original poster
surereadyforchange · 03/10/2014 12:57

Hehe she is quite feisty and forthright :)

OP posts:
Original poster
surereadyforchange · 03/10/2014 13:00

PlumpPartridge feels that way, yes. She said just wait til you get this horrible man out of your life, graduate and move on with your life, you'll feel brilliant. She said I was strong as well. Coming from her that is a compliment so I feel quite bolstered.
Reading it here, hearing it in RL, I must move towards telling myself and believing it.

OP posts:
Sootgremlin · 03/10/2014 13:02

Well done sure, I almost breathed a sigh of relief for you!

Think of how much angst you've had over this, thinking that people will think you're stupid or nuts, and contrast that with their actual view of you. Excellent student, doing well, wouldn't have known you had a problem, what can we do to help. That is the reality. Try and hold onto that for the next time the little nagging voice creeps up and bop it on the head with it.

Enjoy the rest of your day Smile

Original poster
surereadyforchange · 03/10/2014 13:17

Sootgremlin thank you for the support Flowers
There is a big difference between my inner voice and reality it seems...!!

OP posts:
IPokeBadgers · 03/10/2014 16:16

Absolutely what Sootgremlin said...try to ignore the nagging voice in your head. And if there are people in RL that you can tell about your situation, please don't be embarrassed or ashamed to do so.

The statement "I am leaving an abusive relationship, the police and WA are involved" might be hard to say, but on hearing that, any normal, right-thinking person would want to know what they can do to help/support you....and hopefully this is what you will find from the people at Uni.

Sure - you have great potential for an amazing life. This is just a blip and one you can overcome.

TalkingintheDark · 03/10/2014 17:41

Oh well done sure, that's great news. On all counts - so good about the boost to your self esteem as well as having got it

"There is a big difference between my inner voice and reality it seems"

This really resonates with me. I think it's a hallmark of deep emotional abuse. I think what EA does to your self image is possibly the most harmful thing of all because your self image determines so much of your life and what you can/can't do, and it's in many ways the hardest thing to change. I know I've been at it for years and years now and it's still a work in progress.

Good to see you making those strides. Thanks

tipsytrifle · 03/10/2014 18:34

You're doing great, sure ... yayyyy, go you!

IPokeBadgers · 03/10/2014 21:12

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/698029-Right-listen-up-everybody?pg=1&order=

Hope the link works. It is an old post from a wise mumsnetter but one that you should read Sure.......there is such a lot of truth of in it.

Jux · 04/10/2014 02:12

Sure, you brave old thing! Well done. Eery step you take, you get a little closer to freedom and happiness. Thanks

So glad your HoD was supportive and you feel bolstered. Hope the meeting with your tutor went well too.

Yes, do keep telling yourself that you can do this, that you are brave and strong (you can, and you are). Keep telling yourself as you will start to believe it. Fake it 'til you make it, as they say.

PacificDogwood · 04/10/2014 11:06

Oh, do please read that link - Reality should have some kind of MN medal for having posted that all those years ago.

Wishing you a nice weekend with your DS Thanks