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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Seeing the light, and healing the hurt. Breaking free from 'him'.

994 replies

surereadyforchange · 01/10/2014 15:18

Hello, this is a new thread following on from my last one where I received lots of wonderful advice and support regarding the reality of the situation I was in with an abusive shit of a 'man'.
I am seeing things more and more for what they are now, but I still have along way to go
Old thread here:
Previous thread

OP posts:
Sootgremlin · 02/10/2014 09:17

Oh yes, I thought that you might be a mature student, but just that because they have to deal with a lot of young people away from home as well as students with families they are generally used to a wide range of issues, they tend to be quite approachable about stuff and have seen it all.

You're not sad I've done the mature student thing, and with kids used to bother my tutors with all kinds of 'personal' stuff. It is best to be honest about these things, then they are in a position to help and it takes off any unnecessary stress.

seasavage · 02/10/2014 10:06

I've worked in a College. Your tutor will undoubtedly be supportive and not think anything less of you for taking control of your situation. They may also refer you to support within the uni as there will be possibly a specialist that might be able support this process as well as WA.

PlumpPartridge · 02/10/2014 11:01

Just realised you must be out of the lecture by now. Are you ok? Did you manage to speak to your tutor?

AbbieHoffmansAfro · 02/10/2014 11:35

You could put DrainWoman to one side for now. She's probably only contacting you to splurge more negativity over you anyway.

Good luck with everything, I just wanted to say I think you're being incredibly brave.

surereadyforchange · 02/10/2014 11:59

I'm in group work most of the day, haven't had time to go and see her.
Thank you all.
Wondering if i should email.. i don't know.

OP posts:
PlumpPartridge · 02/10/2014 12:20

Right, if you haven't seen her yet, here is a script. I'd recommend seeing her in person if possible, as avoiding face-to-face contact is the sort of thing people sometimes do when they're scared of being caught out - obviously it would not be true in your case, but I think people who work in education sometimes see shirking when it isn't there.

'Hi personal tutor, please can I speak to you privately later? It's a bit urgent, I'm afraid. I will be here until 'whatever time'.' (you can email this bit)

Then turn up, get ushered in, sit down.

'I'm afraid that I will not be able to come to uni on Monday as I am due to attend a Women's Aid appointment. I have spent the past several years in a relationship with I have realised, due to recent incidents, is abusive, both emotionally and physically.

I know it sounds strange that I've just realised the physical part, but I'd just become so accustomed to it that I only realised when speaking to a friend (that's us :)) just how bad it was.

I'm now trying to leave, really trying, and he's not taking it well. He texts me very frequently, he emails, he calls. I'm finding it quite hard to cope with, in addition to life in general (DS, uni etc) and so I've been put in touch with WA for help.

My appointment is on Monday. I hope it's ok with you for me to go. I'm really sorry about the timing but I don't think this can wait.'

You could even print this (or something like it) off, then hand it to her and watch her read it. The important thing is that you're there. Your body language will be far more convincing than any words. I can't imagine she will cause any difficulties - no-one hearing that story could.

I hope I haven't overstepped and that this is helpful xxx

FunkyBoldRibena · 02/10/2014 12:39

I agree with Partridge up there ^

surereadyforchange · 02/10/2014 12:52

I've spoken to her before superficially when i had my first personal meeting with her.
She knows I'm on my own with DS, she might think where the hell has this 'abusive' guy come from?
Hope she doesn't think I'm trying to shirk.

OP posts:
Sootgremlin · 02/10/2014 13:13

If you feel more comfortable you don't need to go into detail, just keep it simple, and say you are being harassed by an ex-boyfriend and have an appointment with WA as you are concerned he might escalate things. Then, judging by her reaction and how you feel it's going you could discuss how he was previously abusive etc. and open up a bit more.

It won't seem odd, not everyone in a relationship cohabits, and they don't expect to know everything about your personal life. These things always go better than you think they will. Once you make a start you might find she fills in the gaps herself.

They want you to do well, and they cut mature students with kids a bit more slack on the shirking front, just because you have to really want to be there and you're less likely to have had a late one down the union though it's not impossible

Momagain1 · 02/10/2014 13:14

Catching up: you can't understand him. He is wired different mentally than normal people. You can come to understand what is miswired. Keep reading.

drainWoman: you need to NC her as well. Definately a spy.

If head of programme is a woman, PD's phrasing is perfect. Chances are she has encountered this before, either through friends or colleagues/students.

Is there any kind of support group at your school?

Hope your WA meeting is helpful and reassuring.

PlumpPartridge · 02/10/2014 13:27

Every mature student I have ever met has been terribly, terribly diligent and frets if they fall behind in anything at all. Seriously, I worked in academia and professors LOVED you guys. I seriously doubt that you deviate from the stereotype! She won't think you're shirking, honestly.

She'd be more likely to think that if you had to consistently make up alternative reasons for absence, though, as there would be various small clues to the lack of truthfulness in your body language and attitude. I really think honesty is the way forward here - maybe not total soul-bearing, but honesty regardless.

FatherReboolaConundrum · 02/10/2014 14:03

OP, as an academic I can tell you that she's really not going to think you're trying to shirk - and I say that as the most cynical person in my department Grin. I've dealt with a wide variety of shirkers in my time and some absolutely cracking excuses and I can promise you that not one of them has ever sounded remotely like you.

Your tutor will believe you. Please talk to her - she can help you access the support your uni can give you.

Flowers
surereadyforchange · 02/10/2014 16:16

I couldn't do it. Just had to give a presentation, the room was hot and everyone was milling about waiting to ask the tutors questions.
I feel like I've got this massive stupid secret and why would i think anyone is going to care why i won't be in on monday.
Shaking and feel like an idiot.

OP posts:
KateeGee · 02/10/2014 16:29

Hi sure,

You're not an idiot. Could you perhaps email her and/or the pastoral services? A heads up that you will not be in will be appreciated, even if they wouldn't have noticed if you didn't turn up without warning. They won't think you are a shirker, they will think you are conscientious and they will be sympathetic. You might find email easier - you can just write the bare bones - you were a victim of an attack and are seeking support with this, so won't be in on Monday - or you can go into more detail if you want to. Either way, telling them by email/in person will take a weight off your mind.

TrousersSchmowsers · 02/10/2014 16:33

you've come a long way, too. I don't know you in the slightest but I am proud of you Smile

surereadyforchange · 02/10/2014 16:35

Just got in from uni and he's written me a 3 page letter and sent me 2 photos one of him and one of me the last time we were happy together (the time i saw him before the b and b).
I'm in bits. I was just about holding it together coming out of uni feeling awful but this letter. He acknowledges what he's done and why and how sorry he is.
I've got to go and get DS.
FFS

OP posts:
KateeGee · 02/10/2014 16:46

It's ok Sure, keep doing what you have been doing, don't let the letter derail you. It's the same as texts and Facebook messages, which you have managed to ignore, he is just ramping it up. Why send you a photo of himself? Egotistical twat. He is not sorry, he is just trying to get you back in his clutches.

Does the letter say explicitly that he raped you? Or does it use nonsense language like "I know I've hurt you, I am sorry and I love you so much". Whatever it says, it's a crock of shit, like all the emails from the last several years that you said you read back recently. He has not changed, and will not change.

PacificDogwood · 02/10/2014 16:54

He is good at what he does.
He hurts you again by reminding you of one of the good times.

Please remind yourself of the cup of coffee with 10% poo in in it - how much poo in coffee is ok? How much crap in your life is ok in relation to the good bits?

Hugs to you - this must be so very hard on you.
Remember that you and your DS deserve so much better.
Thanks

PacificDogwood · 02/10/2014 16:55

And how bloody self-absorbed of him to send you photos of him! It just made me SOL (snort out loud) Grin

KateeGee · 02/10/2014 16:58

Isn't it, Pacific?! What is he trying to make you think, sure? "Look at the prize abusiveknobI am!!"??

longtallsally2 · 02/10/2014 16:58

Suggest that you put that letter in the bin and go conker collecting with ds, or snuggle up with a hot chocolate and some catch up TV.

He acknowledges what he's done and why Oh! He has been able to explain why he raped you? Or did you mean, he has explained why he has bullied, controlled and abused you for so long. Even if he does understand why, this is such a deeply deeply damaged individual, are you really suggesting that you would want him back around your ds, as he grown up.

It's good that you have some happy memories of the last 5 years. You aren't stupid! You didn't stay with someone who was so unkind to you for no reason. He was charming and amusing and could apparently be loving and kind. But like the coffee with poo in it, you have told us that he was ultimately bad for you; cruel to you, unkind to you. You and your ds deserve so much better.

When you are tempted to read his letter, or anything else he sends you, please reread your old thread, and see how you were just a week ago. You have come such a long way, but it is still early days yet. You do need to enlist on the Freedom Programme if you can. WA will help you to get the rl support you need to become a stronger woman who will flourish.

HTH

surereadyforchange · 02/10/2014 16:58

Yeah its "i know I've hurt you so many times" etc then saying how HE feels and what HE wants, mostly.
What HE loves about me. He described raping me as him being 'full on' and says that sex has always complicated things.
Lots of I did this because I......
Saying he wants to do what he's done before and go and " fuck someone" and "get some attention" but he's not going to cause he'll be living a lie Confused

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 02/10/2014 17:02

It's time to stop reading the bilge now

If he was going to come after you violently, he would have done it by now

You don't need to "see what his next move is" any more.

You are not in a relationship with him, you don't have to take any notice of this crap.

Stop opening the texts and emails

wallypops · 02/10/2014 17:03

Hi

I am in academia and I promise that we would rather know what is going on. And preferably an unsanitised version of the truth. We also want to be kept abreast of the situation as things develop. Basically your tutors and lecturers will give you fairly endless leeway as long as they think they are getting the truth.

Just send her an email saying that you would like to see her, at her convenience, to explain your personal situation which is undergoing some fairly dramatic changes. And as a result of this you will be absent on Monday. You can ask if she needs a letter from the organisation you are meeting with as proof. (The answer is likely to be no in the UK, but here in France it would be necessary).

You might also want to utilise the university counselling services while you are about it. They can be pretty useful, but get recommendations on who is the best of them.

As for your ex - do your best to ignore. Try to remain outraged at each new feat of fucked-up-ed-ness. As for the rest KOKO.

KateeGee · 02/10/2014 17:04

Oh sure, it all sounds depressingly depressingly familiar (is there a sexual abuser's handbook out there?). Mine came out with a load of "I want you to be my friend, I think you are amazing". But somehow in his big apology of how he is sorry for hurting me, he managed to still pin the blame on my door by saying I did not put boundaries back in place when he had already crossed them once. That gem was probably the final straw.

And yes, "I can go out and find any woman to fuck but I'd be betraying you, you're the one that I want". Gee, well that sure makes a gal feel special. You betrayed me when you raped me and continually abused me, sunshine.

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