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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Seeing the light, and healing the hurt. Breaking free from 'him'.

994 replies

surereadyforchange · 01/10/2014 15:18

Hello, this is a new thread following on from my last one where I received lots of wonderful advice and support regarding the reality of the situation I was in with an abusive shit of a 'man'.
I am seeing things more and more for what they are now, but I still have along way to go
Old thread here:
Previous thread

OP posts:
Sootgremlin · 02/10/2014 17:07

Don't feel like an idiot sure. Email a good idea. Don't get upset about things that really don't matter.

You gave a presentation! That's the significant bit. I used to feel happy with myself for a week once I'd pulled something like that off, don't be hard on yourself about the things you haven't achieved, focus on what you have done.

Agree with KatieGee about the letter, no different from anything else. A couple of weeks ago he was so sure of you he thought he could assault you and there would be no comeback. He's panicking because he's losing his grip on you, it may not feel like it but you have the upper hand now. Hold fast.

FunkyBoldRibena · 02/10/2014 17:08

Now Sure. You need to realise that this is just another attempt to reel you in.

There will be lots of different attempts.

Don't fall for it. He wasn't full on, he was being a rapist.

KateeGee · 02/10/2014 17:08

And AF is right, don't bother reading any of it. Keep the letter as evidence (I'd be inclined to burn it but I am childish), but not reading it will liberate you. Can you lock it away somewhere or stick it on top of the kitchen cupboard or something, where you aren't inclined to read it?

Sootgremlin · 02/10/2014 17:12

Or what AF said!

PacificDogwood · 02/10/2014 17:12

Saying he wants to do what he's done before and go and " fuck someone" and "get some attention"

Well, good luck to him.

As AF said, you are no longer in a relationship with him, so he can do as he pleases. Pity his next victim.

IPokeBadgers · 02/10/2014 19:01

Hi Sure. Been following your thread from the beginning. Just want to say you have done brilliantly so far. Just ignore the cuntweasel. He is not worth it. You are brilliant and have the opportunity to make a truly wonderful life for yourself and your lovely son. Be a team together. You don't need an abuser and a rapist in your life. Stay strong. Stay angry at him. How dare he harass you! How dare he treat you the way he has! You have more goodness and kindness in your little finger than he has in his entire body. File away emails and letters from him purely as evidence. Don't read them or give them head room....he wants to manipulate you like he has in the past but you are wise to him now. Plus you now have the collective wisdom of mumsnet behind you.....take strength from that. Ignore ignore ignore....... Give him enough rope...let the bastard hang himself .

EllasMum16 · 02/10/2014 19:25

Grrr who does he think he is sending pics of himself?! Don't let him wear you down, have a cuddle with your DS and put the letter in the bin.

Agree with the other posters, I think the uni will be very understanding and I don't think you need to go into too much detail if you don't want to.

tipsytrifle · 02/10/2014 19:55

That text with pictures and the rest of the garbage? This is about as close to emotional rape as you could ever happen to get screwed over by. This needs reporting as an assault/harrassment. Seriously.

I wish you would let people "in" to show you that this is worthy of the law's intervention. Don't be drawn into his madness. Your ds needs you in one piece at every level. I wish you would believe us when we say the stuff we do. I think you want to believe us but deep down ... your lack of self-worth nibbles away ... just breathe and see how good it is without this Crazy Person in your face.

NettleTea · 02/10/2014 20:58

yep, this is actually getting into stalking territory now.
Social media/email is one thing - perhaps he is getting notification of texts bounced back?
Now full on letters to your address.
You told him not to contact you.
You told him it was over.
IF he respected you he would respect that.
If he loved you he wouldnt want to try to force you to be with him, he might be sad, but he wouldnt want to be with someone who had told him it was over and to not contact them.
He is trampling your boundaries in every way and although you were talking about reporting him for the sexual stuff, I think you should serious consider logging this with the police now, or he will be turning up at your door.
you dont even need to report it, just log it. Ring the same number that you did before - tell them the paper is missing with the direct numbers. Im sure they will give them to you again.
But pleaase, for your own and your son's safety, please get this logged

Original poster
surereadyforchange · 02/10/2014 21:27

I wish you would let people "in" to show you that this is worthy of the law's intervention. Don't be drawn into his madness. Your ds needs you in one piece at every level. I wish you would believe us when we say the stuff we do. I think you want to believe us but deep down ... your lack of self-worth nibbles away ... Tipsytrifle Yep. Nail on the head.

I don't let anyone "in", I have never trusted anyone in my life. I would absolutely love to believe you but it's not there.

I'm ok. Bit of a wibble after the whole uni then letter thing. But I am wise enough, (and backed up by you guys) to read between the lines of that letter, I am growing to understand what he's REALLY saying, that letter was all I WANT.

Not doing it this time. I have said that many, many, MANY times before, but with the MN voices of reason, support (and kicks up the bum) I feel it is within reach, rather than a distant dream.
I recall in the counselling session, I described it as being at the bottom of a hole, with 'him' standing over the light at the top, telling me if and when I could come out, and controlling the light coming in.

OP posts:
Original poster
surereadyforchange · 02/10/2014 21:32

In a way, I am glad of all the letters, emails and texts, as he is providing his own rope.
Only unfortunate thing is that I left the pics (polaroids) on the coffee table to go get DS, and I was making tea and he came in with tears welling up in his beautiful eyes.
I said "whatever's the matter?" and he said he was crying because the "photos were so beautiful" Sad
This was the polaroid of me where 'he' said I look like an angel. I said to DS he could keep the one of me if he wanted ( I am usually behind the camera) so maybe that can be made into something nice.

The other one can go in the bin Grin

OP posts:
PlumpPartridge · 02/10/2014 22:04

Your DS sounds like a darling :) is he aware that 'he' is now out of your lives? I forget how old your DS is (sorry) but could you have any sort of conversation with him where you say simply that 'he' was sometimes very unkind to you and that you decided your family deserves better?

I only say this because I think it would encourage an 'us versus him' attitude in you and your DS, which would reinforce your resolve to not ever contact the twat again.....

Original poster
surereadyforchange · 02/10/2014 22:11

Yes, he is an absolute sweetheart. He's 6 (just).
He is very perceptive. He hasn't seen 'him' properly ( just briefly for a few mins) for a while now.
I didn't want him exposed to him due to everything that was going on. So I have kept them separate and vague for years now.

OP posts:
Original poster
surereadyforchange · 02/10/2014 22:15

DS has definitely said he doesn't want to see DrainWoman at least, he said " is quite unkind about people" (off his own back).
I will explain re: him, don't think it'll be a biggie due to deliberate vagueness but I will say that we won't be seeing him.

OP posts:
Momagain1 · 02/10/2014 22:17

Sure: good work on that!

Original poster
surereadyforchange · 02/10/2014 22:18

List:
*I need to word an email re: situation and Monday

  • I need to tell my group I won't be in for impoertant groupwork :(
  • Need to prepare for effective meeting with WA
OP posts:
Momagain1 · 02/10/2014 22:18

I meant, good work on vagueing him to your son. Now, the same for you!

PacificDogwood · 02/10/2014 22:21

Oh, yes, excellent: I am glad 'he' is not a Significant Other for your DS.
He does sound so lovely Smile

Original poster
surereadyforchange · 02/10/2014 22:21

Momagain1, you're right, I long for vagueness where he's concerned!

OP posts:
Original poster
surereadyforchange · 02/10/2014 22:24

Pacific, no, he was for a fair amount of time when DS was a baby/toddler, but then 'his' behaviour worsened and I backed off and loosened ties considerably between him and DS.
DS has been my number one since I weed on that stick! He's brilliant, bless his little heart.

OP posts:
Jux · 02/10/2014 22:26

Definitely bin it. Better yet, burn first!

Do tell your tutor. You can do the short version, "I have been in a long term abusive relationship and I am trying to extricate myself. I have a meeting with WA on Monday and will have to miss Uni that day/afternoon/morning; would that be OK?" (If you burst into tears, don't be embarrassed, either.) I was a mature student in my 30s. The problems we face at Uni are many and varied, and tutors will have heard them all. I had problems too. My tutor couldn't have been kinder, more helpful, more patient; not enormously practical as he really wasn't in a position to be of practical help (except for a couple of extension!), but he put me in touch with people within the University who could give me practical help.

Educational establishments want to help you in any way they can. They want you to get your degree/qualification. They will bend over backwards to help if you don't piss them around.

PlumpPartridge · 02/10/2014 22:31

It's a good thing they're separate, I think.

I imagine if you said to your DS that 'he' wasn't very nice then your DS would be indignant and angry at the nasty man; if your DS is the type who can be depended on to tut disapprovingly once in a while when the subject comes up and then forget about it then I'd be tempted to tell him just that, but if he is a sensitive soul who might get upset then I guess it would be better not to. You know him best, of course.

I should say I do something similar with my own DS1 (3yo), who can be relied upon to go 'But they're HORRIBLE, Mummy!!' whenever my hand hovers over the naughty biscuits. He's my little external conscience Grin

Original poster
surereadyforchange · 02/10/2014 22:31

Jux- I am keeping letters, emails and texts as evidence for police, so I can't burn the letter. I am trying to get into the mindframe where I can skim it, sort of go 'whatever' and file it for evidence.
He's right that I wont let things go.

OP posts:
Momagain1 · 02/10/2014 22:46

Re: his letter
You dont even have to skim it! Of course it says horrible stuff. Let the police read it, you can skip it unless they want to discuss a point.

Original poster
surereadyforchange · 02/10/2014 22:51

PlumpPartridge - Grin re the biscuits! They are quite good at that kind of thing! DS positively rebukes me if he catches me eating chocolate/sweets without him
Yeah, he is a sensitive little person so i'll probably just try and skim over it and hope he forgets him in time. Although there was a point where he was more Dad than his own father who decided he couldn't handle the responsibility.
But that is a long time in the past.

OP posts: