Seeing the light, and healing the hurt. Breaking free from 'him'.

[surereadyforchange]

Hello, this is a new thread following on from my last one where I received lots of wonderful advice and support regarding the reality of the situation I was in with an abusive shit of a 'man'.
I am seeing things more and more for what they are now, but I still have along way to go
Old thread here:
Previous thread

He came in again to apologise and I apologised to him for losing my temper.
Massaged his hands cause it makes him sleepy and popped him into bed.
Feel so ashamed of myself for taking out 'him' stress on him and losing my rag

I think you are exhausted and wound up by these damn texts. Can you do something to calm down and relax now? Is DS in bed yet? Maybe a cuddle, him off to sleep and you cuddle yourself with a book, tv or an early night?

You are forgiven

Ach, everybody has their buttons that get pressed from time to time - the important thing is to be aware of them (you are), you apologise when you've been in the wrong (you have) and then move on (you can).
Your DS has already forgiving you - you two are so close that a bit of short-temperedness will be gotten over.

You are a mother, not a saint. Forgive yourself, like I said, he already has, honest.

I sometimes think that it does children absolutely no harm to see their parents upset, stressed, unhappy or impatient. We are people, not robots. I am not a child abuse excuser btw, but by setting impossible standards for 'perfect parenting' we just set ourselves up for failure IMO.

I'm just so cross with myself - he's the last person i want to fall out with. He's my favourite.
I'm now getting accusations TELLING me I'm with someone else. I always hated him telling me what I was thinking feeling or doing. In a way it helps, he's reminding me what I'm escaping. Phone on silent.
Hoping next week something will finally happen. So draining.
Thanks for the hand holding

I just worry DS will remember me as being horrible to him. I think he did know he pushed buttons though because he had about 10-15 warnings including "i will brush your teeth for you if you don't do as you've been asked"
We do share emotions, my sister had a massive go at me once cause i said he had seen me cry. She said she thought that was awful.
We've had a good cry at films together, we're both cryers, Charlotte's web was the worst so far

Why would he remember the rare occasion when you lost your rag remember more than the frequent cuddles, the 'getting' him, the looking out for him and the general loving him?
You are his biggest asset - He is going to be fine.

Crying together over Charlotte's Web is lovely - it's not crying really, it's over-identifying and bonding.

I am a terrible sop - you should see me at school performances…

Your son will be fine. Put the focus back on you.

Argh, just deleted a reply.
Thank you.
Glad its not just me, DS was Joseph in the nativity last year, I had to take tissues! Sniffing all the way through.
I hope he remembers that I knew when I was wrong, and that I apologised.
Must try harder.

You know its OK to lose your temper - you dont hurt him and you used to take yourself away from him - this is what you are supposed to do, to allow you to calm yourself for whatever reason, take a breath, and go back in.
And its OK to let him know that his behaviour has upset you and that you dont want to deal with it at that moment. Far better than screaming at him. It defines an boundary, that his behaviour upset you and until you feel calmer that you do not wish to speak to him. Thats fine. My GP told me it is good for children to see you as human, to see you can be hurt by things which are related and unrelated to them.
He is confident enough in your love for him to understand he crossed a line, and he came back and apologised. And you apologised too.
This is a good, healthy and perfectly reasonable way to have reacted in the situation. Sometimes discipline can make you feel awful but sometimes it needs doing

You apologised. My mum would NEVER have done that.

You are doing ok, honestly.

Hi Sure

Just caught up with the thread....sorry to hear the weekend been a bit stressful. Your ex is a shite, no doubt about it...,as you say, cannot get it into his thick head that HE is the reason you aren't together...arseholes to him!

Is there any way in the next week you could physically go to police station, demand to speak to someone about your case, show texts and explain the level of distress this is causing you. Demand that he be arrested/spoken to as soon as possible to stop the harassment? It is obvious to those reading your thread that the continued contact from him/lack of action from authorities is causing you serious stress.

I know it doesn't come naturally to you, but the reality too often is that those who scream and shout and make a fuss get what they are after...they refuse to leave until action is taken.

Hope today is better and you have a nice time with your son.

Well what a shit morning.

DS and I had a lovely time yesterday, went to the cinema to watch Fantasia then wandered round town looking at the Christmas lights and he picked a few bath treats.

This morning everything fine until I remind him of home work he had to do, he had to find some stained glass - well mid week i'd already taken a photo on my phone for him of some while he was at school, I suggested he could print it - so I did that for him, then I said seeing as I've done it all so far he could cut and stick it into his homework book, whereupon he had a tantrum about not finding scissors (in front of him) and screwed up the printout into a tiny ball and threw it at me.

He'd had about 5 chances for me to help him and he just lost his temper. So we just went to school in silence, and I thought "back to square one". I wonder if he was stressed about going to school but then as soon as he went in after being rude to me and refusing to hold my hand he went straight over to the kid that hits him.
SIGH.

Also ' he' was direct messaging on my instagram this morning saying how he wants to "make love to me for hours".
"I'm only an hour away and you know I'm the only one that can give you what you really want".

Going to email PO AGAIN but i'm not hopeful he'll even be arrested this week.

I was reading this yesterday and I can see why victims drop their cases. It's distressing.

Oh for Christ's sake, this is getting ridiculous. Report, report, report.

Why is victim care in this country so shit?

Sorry you're having a crappy morning :(

Thanks Partridge,
I've emailed PO again saying I understand he has to gather evidence but he's still messaging me and its got sexual again, can he give me an idea of what may happen this week?
I just need to know if i'm in for another week of waiting.

Tempted to go round his house, leave DS in the car and tell him to stop to his face. I just feel really upset today, I'm tired of it all.
I want to throw off the stress of waiting and wondering and worrying and just try to move on with DS. I totally see why people drop it. It's a lot to carry around with you.

Sorry to hear that things aren't great. Dont let him goad you into making contact. I know it doesnt feel like it at the minute, but honestly, as long as you maintain total radio silence with him, you keep the upper hand. Take strength from that. Rant and scream on here all you want....do not give him the satisfaction of letting him know that he is under your skin.

Take some small consolation from the fact that, even though he is upsetting you, your silence is driving him up the wall crazy because he is not in control of you.

If you can find it in you at all, I honestly think it is time to create a bit of scene at the police station....not good that it is taking so long for something official to be done, and disturbing to hear that the messages have taken that tone.

So sorry this is happening to you.

Sometimes little boys like to align themselves with the alpha male who is dishing out the pecking order - they cannot see that stepping away and finding new friends is an option, and feel in their childlike view that if they are just nice, and the boys are nice sometimes, then all will be good.
I used to hate that my boy did the same. There was a particularly horrible boy who would hurt him and seek him out. It sadly took until he found a couple of real friends before this boy left him alone.
The teachers find it tricky because although there is actual bullying going on, its hard to deal with if the bullied still keeps going back for more. But I certainly wouldnt let it rest, and would take a look and start asking him about any other boys, make him start to consider the quieter kinder ones who are not in the alpha group - maybe he doesnt even notice them? Could the school start getting him to work with other kids in class/split him from these boys during lessons so he starts to forge friendships outside of this group.

And I would definately go and take out your frustration at the police station - this is getting ridiculous

and is harrassment, whatever the tone of the messages

Right, I've just scrolled back and seen that it has been a month to the day since you gave your statement. I don't know if the police attitude would be 'it's only 4 weeks, that's nothing' or 'bloody hell, 4 weeks? That's awful! Chase this!'. The only to find out is to make a fuss - keep using the word 'month', makes it sound longer

At uni so will be quick.
As the main offence was in another county the PO handling the case is there, I would have to drive for 3 hrs to be able to go to the police station and that's not practical at the moment. So phone and email contact is all i can do at the moment.
Nettle, thanks for the advice re DS and school, I'll have a chat with him tonight, and I'm supposed to be speaking to his class teacher today.

Sure - hope your day is getting better. I agree with badgers - get on the PO's back. Email, phone, go to his superior if possible. If it were me, I'd also be looking at contacting local councillors/MP - they actaully are supposed to be involved with this sort of thing.(what else are they for?) Letting your abuser stay in contact with you is not acceptable - start kicking up, with whoever you can think of, please.

Re ds - he sounds like such a lovely boy that he wants to be friends with even his bullies! Def get on the case at school too - they should be aware that its not only physical bullying that happens; it sounds like ds doesn't know what else to do. It's causing you both stress.

BTW - you said you were on a waiting list for the (nicer) school nearer to you - in cases of bullying, it is possible to jump the list, so the more you complain about the school he is in, and the bullying there, the better your chances of moving.

Keep phoning, Sure. It's a pita, yes. Are you contacting the PO directly, or going through the DV Unit on 101? Do both. If one's not coming through with anything concrete, then call the other. Maybe someone on 101/DV Unit can help get things moving.

Good idea. I've texted womens aid lady as well. I didn't realise its been a month!!

Also, DS has come down with explosive diarrhoea - had to pick him up from school- fingers crossed i don't get it as well...
Bless him.

maybe thats why he was grouchy and a bit off last couple of days - poor boy. xxx

I wish that life was easier for you. You must be exhausted. But there is no other option apart from KOKO.
Your DS is under stress as well. I'd like to second ptumbi's advice to see if you can leapfrog the waiting list at the other school. Would your GP be able to help?
Remember that we all lose it at times and I'm sure it isn't a good idea for children to see mothers as calm and collected at all times. I tried myself when I was widowed with baby twins. I think I was wrong to pretend everything was fine when it wasn't. Children need exposure to emotion as much as any other fact of life.
You are a human being and cannot be perfect all the time.