Seeing the light, and healing the hurt. Breaking free from 'him'.

[surereadyforchange]

Hello, this is a new thread following on from my last one where I received lots of wonderful advice and support regarding the reality of the situation I was in with an abusive shit of a 'man'.
I am seeing things more and more for what they are now, but I still have along way to go
Old thread here:
Previous thread

You are doing well, lots of us here very proud of you!

Hi Sure...I have been reading your thread for a while now and wanted to tell you what an inspiration you are to me and no doubt others.

I was in a very damaging relationship for 2 yrs, before I met my now DP. I look back on that period of my life with shame and regret because I wasn't brave enough to take the steps YOU have taken. I recognize the up and down emotions but unlike you, I actually did make the contact and beg him to take me back. He was a bad bad guy and I became a very unpleasant person under his influence...you on the other hand have retained your integrity, you are a good parent (my abuser tried to persuade me to give my then 2yr old up for adoption and I STILL didn't kick him out), you still believe and make time for people. I wish I had been more like you - he left me, took most of my money and if he hadn't I dread to think where I would have ended up. I have dreamed, even recently (14yrs later), that I was still in a relationship with my ex and in a car with him trying to escape.

I say this only to show you (hopefully) how I see your strength that you seem to be doubting, you are 100 times stronger and better than I was under similar provocation. This isn't my pity party by the way, just a tip of the hat to someone who survived with such dignity. Respect Sister.

In the words of Al-Anon:
The 3 Cs
"You did not Cause this, you cannot Control it, you cannot Change it."

He will not change, you cannot make him change.

Yes, keep repeating that: "I cannot change him".

Hi Queen,
Thank you so much for your support, sounds like your ex really got under your skin. Especially as you are still dreaming about him now. Funny how dreams catch you unawares and drag you back in time . He sounds like a horrible shit.
But you're away from him now, and you survived it, you did not give up your child and you have a new DP and a new life. You sound much stronger than you give yourself credit for.

He will not change, I cannot change him.
Here's a question:
I just found a ring box in my drawer, a gold ring with a few rubies and I assume diamonds.. a ring he bought me about two years ago, when he was "wanting to ask me to marry him, but he knew I would say no so he didn't bother"
He gave it to me, sort of as a cop out 'commitment ring' or whatever, a present.
What the fuck do I do with it? Keeping it makes me feel sad.

What do you want to do with it? YOU, FREAKING YOU (i.e. not us, your Nest of Vipers and Definitely not him). You're the word here.

Take away the emotion [of others] and look at it like you've found something in the drawers off your flat left over by the previous tenants who had left a lot of mould and dirt and nasty stuff around your flat . What do you want to do with this?

Is it pretty enough to wear?
Or would you just like to get rid?

From what I've observed, I don't think it would benefit you to just wear it, I think, part of the clean-break means you need to sell it.

yes and invest the money into something just for you, or you and your DS

I don't really like it anyway, in the box its pretty, but wearing it makes my finger look like someone else's.

Was toying with posting it back to him. I guess that will be seen as contact though.

Oh, don't post it - yes, that would be seen as contact.

Keep it in its pretty box.
Sell it.
Wear it.
Donate it to a charity of your choice.
Sell it and donate the proceeds.
Have it melted down and made in to something else.
Throw it in the local river.

Those are just off the top of my head.
I totally agree - do what YOU feel is right for you.

Or stick it back in the back of the drawer and ignore it a bit longer if you don't feel able to make a decision just now. Disclaimer: I am a world leading procrastinator

That would definitely be contact. Sell it! He gave it to you, it's yours. Sell it.

I sold my old engagement ring given by an arsehole and can safely say that it was £30 well earned

BTW, I do see a difference between selling/disposing of a ring that's just been bought in a shop, with one that's a family heirloom; indeed, I'm sure most on here would be.

Although, truth to tell, if a total twunt had given me his dear old gran's wedding ring and I didn't want to accept his proposal, I probably wouldn't entrust such a thing to him again, but maybe some female family member who has sense, complete with a run-down on why I'm not accepting his proposal...

i'd probably then hear from her that she's never seen this before, apart from the pages of Ratners catalogue or summat

It's yours, Sure. Pacific has made a few good suggestions of what ou could do with it. I wonder if you took it to a jeweller and got it valued whether that would help you decide what you want to do with it?

Pacific - also a procrastinator, can you tell?? ;)
I might sell it and put it towards Christmas.
Where would I even start with getting a good price for it?
I think its an antique one, the box says * antiques, so antique jeweller?

Also I received a reply from case PO, Not really any progress, he says he still has to speak to b and b owners, but he was very nice about it.

Hmmm, yes getting it valued at least would be a start.
It's definitely not a family heirloom, his family are awful, plus I know he bought it cause he always liked to go on about never let me forget how much he spent on things

Oooh bit sad today.
I feel i would really like the opportunity to write him a final letter. A short one. It sounds strange but I don't want him to think all this has happened for any other reason than it has happened. I haven't met someone else, it is because I wanted the abuse to stop and he couldn't stop.
I did care about him, I just couldn't be slowly destroyed any longer.

You'll have the opportunity, sure, but I'd give it a couple of years' time. Give yourself some space to mentally adjust to life without him, eh?

I occasionally get the urge to write letters to my ex spelling out exactly why I ditched him (I look back now through the MN filter and OMG he was this close to stalking), but the urge passes.

If you really can't resist, write it and hide it somewhere. Do not send.

Guys, i'm feeling really down today. Reeeeally down.

Feel like I've been mean to DS this morning, he said about 2 mins before we had to leave for breakfast club that he had to dress as a superhero today - had no idea, so he had to go in fed up that he had no outfit.
He also says people are mean to him and call him stupid, and he gets hit all day, There is one particular boy who I have seen being aggressive and picking on him, had accident forms from school and after school club where he does things like hit ds over the head with toys and jab him in the neck with pointy things. DS says he gets called stupid and "we don't want to be friends with you" etc. Thing is DS always plays with this kid, I said to stay away, but the child always runs over to DS and starts hugging him.
He says he punches him in the face, other kids hit him in the spine/tummy etc.
I have raised issue with childcare and school, but all they do is agree that there is a certain trio of boys in his class that are a nightmare. Afterschool even said they've not seen anything like it in 10 yrs.
I've asked DS dad for support but had none, bar him asking for afterschool club phone number and not ringing them, and telling DS that he needs to teach the kid repeatedly attacking him proper behaviour thus putting responsibility of aggressive kids behaviour toward DS onto DS.

I've popped home from uni on lunch and cant face going back this afternoon, I was holding back tears all morning.
House a mess, feel like a shit mum, so much to do but just want to lie in bed and be pathetic and sniff.

Ah Sure, that is shit fr poor ds. It sounds like you are going to have to raise the issues with school/afterschool club. It's not acceptable to just say 'we know there's a problem' and accident forms - wtf? Not good enough - raise hell with the HT, and the afterschool club leader; there should be anti-bullying procedures in place. I know when I worked in infants, that bullies/known trouble makers were supervised V closely, and the victims too.

Can you move him out of afterschool club? Is there another one you could try?

Another tack is to invite the 'bullies' home for tea. I did this with my ds1, and he befriended the other boys - enough for their focus to move on. Ds1 was never into sports, so it was a 'thing' between him and them, but finding something else in common (Pokemon, in those days!) was helpful. I also went into school regularly, once a week usually, to help with reading and stuff. It's nice to see the kids in their day, and once the bullies knew that I was in a position of authority (equating me with the teacher! ) they knew that I knew their names, and could watch them....and report on them.

It's hard, and heartbreaking. Don't bother with your ds dad, he sounds worse than useless. You are just setting yourself up for a disappointment by expecting anything from him.

Thanks for responding ptumbi.
Yeah DS dad repeatedly lets me down.

On going into the school to speak to class teacher, she says that sometimes they play nicely (DS and trio of aggressive boys) and sometimes it all gets a bit silly. DS will totally play with them, I think he just wants to be accepted, but this comes with being kicked and punched and having things thrown at his head, and he doesn't understand how it works yet.
I am terrified he'll end up being a mouse like me, I was bullied at 15 different schools (forces kid) last one I went to I used to get notes daily telling me to do the world a favour and kill myself.
I so desperately don't want DS to think he has to accept being attacked in order to have friends. He comes home so unhappy though.
I would say that as the 'bullies' also masquerade as his friends, it makes it doubly difficult in terms of inviting them round, as when they kick off I will have to intervene, and the parents LITERALLY blank me when I try to say hello (eg when I was able to drop off pick up and recent parents evening).

Whenever I try to say hi to the kids I get jabbed in the face/shouted at loudly/kicked in the shin. No joke.

I can understand how heartbreaking this is - my own little boy went through similar and we put some stuff in place to help him. He attended a 'nurture group' which helped him to be able to express what was happening (not something he actually had a problem with) but it also did alot of work on dealing with problems. The result was that there was a member of staff who he trusted who he could always go to if he felt unhappy or people were being mean. He was also allowed to take books/paper, etc so that he could take himself away and read or draw as he enjoyed that, so it removed him when they were in a mean mood and didnt leave him isolated looking on. But the biggest change was last year he actually made 2 'proper' friends at age 8. I dont think he really had the emotional maturity to be able to find alternative children to play with before that and wanted to be part of the big 'group'.
Perhaps there are other kids on the edges, does he like any of those? The alpha male boys will always act in a mean pecking order way, and they like to have their scapegoat who is keen to be part of the pack, but there are probably other quieter boys who probably share his outlook, and their parents will probably be far nicer too.

I'm sorry that you're having a down day, Sure. You are NOT a shit mum and sod the housework - it isn't going anywhere (darn it).

I don't know what to suggest about DS. Have you told him that you were bullied and how you don't want him to be subdued like you were? It's bad timing, but any DS unhappiness/fear/worry about your recent trials and tribs with X might be feeding into this situation too? I don't know, just a thought but probably not actively helpful.

Your DS is amazing, which is why I wondered if he could handle a fairly grown up type talk with you? And of course he has seen from you that you two do NOT accept being treated like shit.

As for DS dad .. well, nasty waste of airspace, eh?

You are NOT a shit mum because you give a damn - don't beat yourself up.

It is hard when bully and bullee (?hmm]) don't seem to stay away from each; whether that's by design of their classes or by themselves seeking each other out or whatever (I have had huge bullying/physical violence issues in the house between DS2 and DS3, 4 years age difference, it's been going on for 4 years and only just beginning to ease).

I agree, you do need to follow this up with the school, and keep following it up until it's resolved to your satisfaction. Keep going back, make appointments to speak to DS's teacher/head of year/HT; whoever will listen.

Make house work the very bottom of your priorities - truly, don't sweat the small stuff.

DS's dad gets a MN from me...

Ignore the OP of this thread, but you might find something in here that will keep you keeping on?

Thanks, have just emailed DS' teacher but I do feel like i'm just saying the same old things.
Her teaching assistant is off long term sick so she has to manage class on her own.
I have offered to find DS the extra work he keeps asking for as he finds it all really easy, asked if he could be moved to the other yr 1 class. Asked if boy's parents have been asked about him repeatedly assaulting other kids, theres three of them that are similar but this one is the worst. Asked what I can do.
There doesn't seem to be any other breakfast afterschool clubs that will walk him across to school (this is right next to but not affiliated with his primary) so he is stuck with the little shit in his class from 8am to 5.30pm
and all that comes with him and the 3 boys.
DS just seems so down.