Seeing the light, and healing the hurt. Breaking free from 'him'.

[surereadyforchange]

Hello, this is a new thread following on from my last one where I received lots of wonderful advice and support regarding the reality of the situation I was in with an abusive shit of a 'man'.
I am seeing things more and more for what they are now, but I still have along way to go
Old thread here:
Previous thread

Ask to see the school's anti-bullying policy.
If there is none, ask why not.
See what the policy says; what is the next step if bullying does not stop with the measures that are in place?
Speak to school's governors.
Ask again whether he could be moved to another class (how big a school is it?)

Be there for DS as you are and he will get through this. He will.
Horrible to watch though, I know .

Just read that thread, thanks Pacific , just going to try and make it through the day. And tomorrow, get the hell out of the house with DS in case I start to wallow.

DS hardly mentioned 'him', has only seen him briefly (ie a couple of mins) in about last year so if won't be affecting him as there's nothing to miss (for him).
'He' has been messaging asking me to spend the night with him this weekend. TBH a nice dinner and a cuddle sounds wonderful, and makes me feel more lonely - can't see that i'll ever meet anyone I get on with again.
Feel like proper "damaged goods" as my sister used to call me.

..and good idea wrt asking for the schools anti-bullying policy. X

Yes, do get out with DS - you'll both feel better for it.

I don't mean to be rude, but feck off your sister! Honestly, do people actually say stuff like that?!

You are still in the midst of grieving the loss of the relationship you would've liked to have (not the reality of it of course) - can you try not to even think about future relationships just now? Build a great life for DS and you??

Just because I've got 'Desiderata' open on my laptop at the moment (and I do love it, but I forget about it every now and then and then am reminded of it again and just find it the most life-affirming, beautiful thing):

"Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass."

Love is as perennial as the grass - it'll grow again for you too

Oh that's the tip of the iceberg from my sister! I'd be here all day. We no longer speak. I remember when I told her about 'his' increasingly aggressive behaviour, and she said "well, to be fair Sure, he is really good looking, got a good job, a house, and you know, you should be grateful really that he's interested in you, you have got a lot of.....baggage ".

Well, NC seems quite appropriate

When I do think about future relationships, I just think 'nooooo', and that's that really, it passes quickly .
I think you're right, i'm just grieving what I thought i'd get, and the good bits of our relationship, and I feel that may be a long process.

I think what I mean when I think I wont meet anyone i'll get on with again, is mainly friend wise, I miss having a group of friends, and it helps life so much to actually have just one person in your life who actually likes you. A smile?
I know where I am going with DS, but just, I dunno, a friend would be nice, rather than weekends alone etc (not all the time, I am a massive introvert!)
I have been so burned with friendships, all relationships actually, I just do not trust anyone. I can't remember trusting anyone, ever.

Yep, NC with her, my 'mother', sporadic contact with my 'father' and his awful wife, barely saw him anyway my whole life, he's not bothered, saw him maybe twice a yr recently, but going to be scaling that right back as it make me feel so horrendous from the picking and nastiness and 'youre not good enough'ness that I just don't want to do it any more.
Since starting counselling when I was 30, I've cut back on loads of contact with people, only problem is there is no one left, and the isolation begins to twist things. I am so wary now, that I don't know if I could ever have a healthy friendship, let alone relationship.

Hm, yes, that's hard, getting the balance between "I like being on my own/I don't trust easily" and "I don't want to be so alone ALL of the time" just right.

I find myself coming back to the reading group suggestion - a nice non-threatening way to meet potential new friends? People who like reading cannot be all evil…

You'll be pleased to know I've just emailed a book club. I think they meet in the evenings though, which can be a problem... no handy family or friend babysitters.
If I am honest, I get really pissed off and jealous of people who have family and friends on hand for constant babysitting and social opportunities, mums to ring when they are ill, partners to make them a cuppa, able to pop out or go out in evenings as partner/mum/sister/friend will have their kids. I don't know why it evokes such a reaction, but it does. Especially when they moan about how hard it all is.

Feel like i'm being a right bitch today!

No, I get you - and I had/have DH to share the burden with.
Child rearing is just utterly unrelenting and must be so much harder when you are flying solo.

Could you set up a neighbourhood babysitting club? One of my friends is in one and it's fab. And v cheap - bonus.

If I knew anyone. Could try advertising online..hmm.
Would probably be easier if DS went to the school around the corner, I have to drive him 2 miles every day as when we moved he couldn't get into the "outstanding" primary round the corner, had to go to where he is now because they had spaces. I so wish he'd got into the one round the corner as there may be more social opportunities for both of us.
I'll see if there already is one.

Could you re-apply to the local school? Might not be of any use right now, but in the future?

Put a notice in the local shop's window?
Or on notice board in the supermarket?

He's on waiting list for local school.
I've just found a website for local childcare so looking on there for babysitters :)

Teacher has messaged back saying she'll get back to me on Monday after speaking to senior teachers.
Hmm.
Nothing from police.
Guess everything rolls onto another week...........

He keeps on with asking me to sleep with him (just spend the night) , he "wants to hold his best friend", telling me how he loves me, then switching to "good luck with him, whoever it is" etc.
Going to the shop in a min to get a bottle of wine. Tired and emotionally drained.

Do report every single of his calls/texts/emails with the police, won't you?
FFS.
I am really sorry you have to deal with this. Still.

Unbelievable isn't he? Sneer and report. Enjoy your wine, put phone away so you're not tempted to sneer in text

FFS, he is a stubborn bastard isn't he? Thank goodness you won't have to be trying to negotiate with him for everything for the rest of your life.

Do the police KNOW he is still constantly contacting you? This is ridiculous! Can anyone at Wonen's Aid light a fire under them? This is could be a real threat to you! No only because you might have a weak moment, but I would be this constant contact might mean he is working on tracking you down.

I don't mean to frighten you, but I am really distressed for you about this.

Now its all " i can't put my life on hold waiting for you, everyone needs love and warmth"....
WHERE WAS MINE THEN???
When i emailed police i said he's still contacting me, he said speak to WA for support, they said quote "oh no", then no reply to texts.

As in, no reply from WA to me.

Sure - i am grrrrr for you and the lack of RL support atm. But it's the w/e and you really mustn't respond to his texts. Any sane being would realise by now that he was dumped, finito, ended. Don't reply, pleeeease!

Can you ignore the phone? switch it off? Hide the battery from yourself?

So pissed off with myself.
Ds is tired and whingey, he's meamt to be in bed at seven- granted we had a bath and were a bit late but I asked him about 20 times to brush his teeth and have a wee ready for bed, but he's been messing about yabbering on and being grumpy and rude, so i just lost my temper and shouted at him, walked him into the bathroom, held his face and brushed his teeth for him while he was moaning, and walked him into (seperate) loo, shut the door while he did a wee, when he came in he said sorry and i told him to go away
When he gets distressed I react in a weird way (only sometimes, usually when tired /pmt)
When he was a toddler he'd have death-metal-scream meltdowns and i had to put him in his baby gated room and stand in the garden. I just needed him to stop the noise. My old counsellor said it could be due to my childhood, any screaming, distress puts me into ohmygodohmygod mode.
I hate myself sometimes that I'm not stronger and a better mum.