Seeing the light, and healing the hurt. Breaking free from 'him'.

[surereadyforchange]

Hello, this is a new thread following on from my last one where I received lots of wonderful advice and support regarding the reality of the situation I was in with an abusive shit of a 'man'.
I am seeing things more and more for what they are now, but I still have along way to go
Old thread here:
Previous thread

You're doing it! You're managing really well on your own, enjoying your DS, being a great mum: all of it, plus going to school!! Your emotions will be all over the place, but that is the good thing about feelings: they don't stay forever. (I know, I know, that is also the bad thing about feelings...) But you do know things will change, and you just keep on putting one foot in front of the other, day by day.... and you are doing it.

Thank you so much Whitsernam.

Such a simple statement,"you are doing it" but it made me think... and yes I am doing it. Slowly, painfully slowly, but surely.
I have come so close to contacting him but i haven't. I haven't rung the police and called it off. I haven't broken yet.

Luckily I have a study day and took DS to school, came back and power napped for an hour (bliss) just the little steps like getting out of bed. Today i got out of bed and opened the curtains, which is better than yesterday because i didn't want to open them yesterday!
Tiny things like that.
One foot in front of the other. I haven't cried today.
I cooked properly for myself last night for the first time in weeks and weeks (Months?)
Made a vegan curry with my favourite veg which meant i really fancied eating it, and had a glass of wine (which then turned into half a bottle again- hence the power nap this am!)

It still feels horrible, but I don't feel so paralysed for now.
I've made a vat of tea and i'm making a list of the things that need doing that i have been ignoring the past few weeks like paperwork and phonecalls -I've made one and got DS a dentist (which is like gold dust in this city) and an appointment for next week. So I've got ONE tick off the list, which frankly feels like a miracle!

I asked DS' dad for support with the mountain of things that need sorting, for example DS has majorly outgrown his bed and is practically falling out, needs school trousers, I'd like to get him into Beaver scouts, issues with a kid at his school, parents evening (last year when i asked him if he'd like to come he said i quote: "whats the point?") putting heavy boxes in the loft... as usual he says he'll help/participate but does nothing. I'm not asking him to pay for anything, just things I need help with. It is so obvious how on my own i am, and i don't want to be weak.

It does sometimes suck when i think about 'him' and how he would give up his weekends to help with the flat, fix the toilet seat or buy DS the things he needed (plus extra), made his spare room into DS' room, be gutted he couldn't come to his carol concerts, or have watery eyes over how DS was joseph in the nativity or whatever. I guess that was part of why i stayed.
Now its back to it all on me, not having anyone to share in the delight of DS or having a 5 minute break, or someone picking up the slack.

This is turning into a marathon post! Sorry!

Sure - it is lovely how you wanted to be with ds so much you didn't even mind the sleepless nights (Never met anyone like that ) It is hard on your own,not denying it. Some things you can get a handyman in for, or go to nativities with a friend, or whatever. HE didn't deserve to go to ds's nativity! He doesn't deserve to share in the delight that is your son!

I came across another saying recently - don't get in your own way. It means (I think) to keep your eyes on the end result, don't sabotage yourself with 'what if's' and 'I can't's' and KOKO!

Oh yes there were times when I was knackered, but yeah, i didn't mind at all, he was a great baby, I was very lucky. It was a great time, I need a baby in my life . My sister has apparently got a just-1 year old, my niece, but I've never met her :(
It would be nice if there was some sort of scheme where people who can't have more babies could help out new mums who may be struggling. They get help from someone who's been there, and the other gets baby snuggles and playtime in return. DS always asks if he can have a brother or sister :(

I think I may be guilty of getting in my own way, and the 'what if's' and 'I can't's' are regular occurrences, uh oh. Thanks for making me aware.

It's just the end result seems a bit...empty. I need to build, but what i'm not sure.

Actually, sure I think that would be a great idea (if it was something that everyone wanted) helping with new babies!

Don't get in your own way - of things you want to do, as well as things you have to do.

I'd like to walk in the woods, and i'd like to make some new friends. I'd like to buy a fire guard and get the chimney swept so i can have a proper fire in the evenings.
oooh, that was easier than expected! Thanks Captainmummy

Maybe I need a 'want to do' list as well as a 'need to do' one.

Everyone should!

I'd like to go see the poppies tomorrow. And make some more friends.

-Actually I need to get my chimney swept too (that time of year ... I love my log-burner!)

I love the sound of that 'want to do' list! Like a "bucket list" but for a young mom who's in school.

Do open those curtains every single day; just a sight of the sky and its changes can help keep you from being too much inside yourself. And I just love your DS! Having him around has to help, too.

One day you will look around yourself at 14:00 and think "I haven't even thought about "him" today!! Then it'll be 22:00 another day before you have that thought... then a whole week sometime. Try it; you'll like it! It is really, really hard, but you ARE doing it.

Also love your idea to help new moms. Almost every new mom on the planet could use help, especially the single ones. Maybe you could put that idea on your 'want to do' list?

Sure - actually that's reminded me of a thread earlier this year, celebrating what we can do HERE . there is a bit of a derail in the middle, but generally it's uplifting and positive.

That is a lovely thread, captain

sure, I have nothing to add, just to say, yes, you are doing it. And you life will be full with things you want to have in it without any of the walking on eggshells or, you know, sexual and emotional abuse.

You are SO doing it and doing it well

Still following and applauding your strength. I was reading your list of things you need help with and with the heavy boxes to be put in the loft I wondered if you could split the contents up into smaller boxes. Then I thought that's exactly what you've been doing - splitting major problems (like 'him') into smaller steps which you can cope with!
So it's a metaphor for your life...

That's a fabulous metaphor, Teeny. :)

And I spoke to a fab friend on the phone today - she's an extraordinary woman I've known for years, who was reduced to just a mumble of herself by a deeply dysfunctional man over the last ten years. Bit by bit she finally pulled herself out from under it last year, despite a tsunami of self-doubt - today she was just bubbling with joy and hope - her OLD SELF - down the phone. I almost cried with delight. She's back. And she had all the same doubts as you Sure. Oh, yes, you're definitely doing it. Don't stop now. You're on your way! :)

Melb14, so pleased to hear that your friend is 'back' :)
I like the 'things we want to do' lists.
Captainmummy, are you going to see the poppies today? They look beautiful.
About the making new friends, I am not really sure where to start with that. There are lots of ways to meet guys, like online dating, but not much for friendship.
Can I call you my online friends?
I have resisted the urge this am to have a massive rant about DS' dad, because I think that requires another thread altogether, and I can only really manage this one at the moment .

List update:
Have rung about loft insulation and booked a survey
Have emailed Landlord about electrical safety stuff he 'cant afford at the moment' like broken plugs and exposed light fittings
Have enquired about fire safety home visit where fireman will hopefully come and put in free smoke detectors and carbon monoxide detectors cause landlord 'cant afford it'
Going to try and get DS a decent bed today that he will be able to actually fit in and not have to keep coming to sleep in with me ( not that I mind, but we both sleep diagonally!)
I did a hair mask and painted my nails and i'm about to shave my legs and pits in a bid to feel more together and groomed. Might actually put make up on.

I am missing DS so much, I really protested him going to his dads last night, but he turned up and took him anyway .
I hope you all have a lovely weekend. xx

hi Sure

Of course we can be your online chums. I think a lot of people would agree that making new friends in real life can be difficult.... Nothing to be ashamed of, just one of those things.

Sounds like you have had a very busy weekend so far.... Well done on making progress on the list....always a good feeling to see things getting ticked off the to do/want to do list. Enjoy the grooming.....I am a lazy sod but always feel better when legs have been deforested and I have a littlebit of slap on, just to emphasise my best bets (for me, I like to play up my eyes!). It is self care really, something that I think is a really good thing for you right now. If you can do that, it will have a gradual effect on you, just lifting you that wee bit....if it makes sense?

Sorry if I am wittering....not long in from a very wet, and therefore stressful, motorbike lesson....was soaked through to my knickers so now warming up nicely but brain is mushy. Gonna watch some rugby and have a snooze. Hope rest of your day is good

My best friend started out as someone who used the same online forum as me for a hobby we have in common. We chatted online, there was a meet up suggested for a whole group of us, I went, she went, (along with another 60odd (very odd!) forum members) and we started chatting more privately via msn and email, started phoning each other and now we text daily and see each other whenever we can - sadly not often enough! Which is an incredibly long winded way of saying it is possible to find friends online as well as dates.

Actually, most of my real life friends now started out living in my computer!

I agree that anyone on here who is a real person can be a real friend.

Can I also suggest a book group as a great way of making new friends? (Most libraries have a list of local groups.) You only have to meet up once a month and have a book to discuss when you do, so there are no awkward silences. But you have a good book to read during the month, and reason to email each other in between meetings - someone has invariably forgotten when/where we are next meeting. I found that you could build up friendships around a common interest - reading - in a fairly pressure free environment.

There is an organisation where people who have raised children can help other people! It's called Surestart (great name for you!) and always seems to need volunteers! Alternatively you could look out for adverts for local mum and toddler groups, meeting in church halls etc. We had two lovely ladies who volunteered at our local baby group who were fabulous at making cups of tea for us, holding babies whilst we popped to the loo, and being generally useful - one found my washing repair man for me!

Continuing to think of you and your lovely ds, and hope that the police get their act together soon for you.

Oh, online buddies can be fabulous!
The entire collective of MNers are my 'friends' except for the ones that piss me off

Seriously, I think online friends can give a good perspective from afar, they can be honest and you can get many different perspectives.

sally, I want to joint a book group now! Great suggestion

Ipokebadgers- you are learning or teaching how to ride a motorbike?
I have always wanted to do that!
Longtallsally - A book group is an excellent idea - I adore reading. I have also looked into Surestart volunteering, after training you can do two hours a week, which is probably doable around uni. There is also a "Lets get out" befriending service for older people, which looks lovely. I have a car, so can take people out to groups/activities/shopping or whatever. I know its a commitment, but I might look into it and get some further information.
Mums and Tots groups tend to be weekday mornings, which aren't good for me due to lectures.
I sat and drank wine again last night and rocked out to some of my favourite music, and (slightly under the influence) booked some tickets to some concerts in December and next March, so got that to look forward to, as live music is one of my favourite things.

DS' dad is being a right twat today, was wondering whether to start another thread about him as it really would be a lot to post here.

Still nothing from police, still getting messages that 'he' wants to come round for a glass of wine and a cuddle (so sad that he thinks that's on the cards) Of course that sounds wonderful, and I would have probably have let him come round before, before MN.

Hi Sure

I am learning to ride a motorbike....wanted to do it for years but was always too scared....which is a bit daft as I happily would ride pillion on my other half's bike. But this year, when I saw the bikes starting to come out in springtime, something in me just decided i wasn't going to get another year older without at least knowing if it was something for me. So booked a trial lesson, enjoyed it so did my CBT and bought a wee 125 to play with....and currently taking BigBike lessons on a 600cc bike cos I want to get a full licence. It is good fun and I am enjoying learning but not looking forward to doing the tests....

Good for you, booking some tickets for music gigs....great to have fun, positive things to look forward to. Glad you seem to be feeling upbeat and in a good frame of mind....shame he is still behaving like an arse but you have moved on, he has no power over you anymore which is great

Sure, volunteering at Surestart and the befriending both sound right up your street. I am sure you will get so much fulfillment from them. And the book group, too. That's really the best way to make friends, isn't it, by doing things you yourself enjoy and are interested in.

Yes, he does seem to still be thinking along old lines: "if I keep this up long enough she'll come round, how could she resist me after all? She never has before...." I guess he'll be learning something new too. Let's hope it sticks.

Good grief, he is persistent

Or a bit slow in the uptake - you just keep on planning your way forward, you and your DS and your uni course and book club.
Befriending sounds like a lovely idea
Just don't learn to ride a motorbike

Oh my, overuse of smileys!!

Sure - its been ages. I think I'd get onto the police again today, to start pushing for some action. You are still getting texts and contact, and you shouldn't be. You sound so much stronger now, but you shouldn't be put back into the situation where you might be tempted to reply to him.

I did go and see the poppies - along with about 14million others! so packed. Stunning display, very moving and thought-provoking. Loved it - and then went to the beautiful Leadenhall market (Victorian covered market) near where I used to work. Sat in a pub there and had a nice trip down memory lane - not that I would want to go back there, iyswim. Nice to reminisce and think about the good old times, but the reality would not be so nice - much like your situation. The memories seem nice, but the reality would not be.

Ipokebadgers - that sounds so fun, I bet you'll ace the tests. Just imagine how nice it will be in summer vrooming around.. quite jealous :)

Jux and Pacific, yes he is very persistent. I guess I used to confuse it with him just loving me soooooo much. It almost is what I used to like about him - when in a good way, he's determined, feisty. When he's obsessively relentless in his detached-from-what-he's-actually-done way, not so much.

Captainmummy, Glad you saw the Poppies, they looked wonderful in pictures.
" The memories seem nice, but the reality would not be " - that's exactly it. I am definitely tempted to reply on occasion, as he paints such a nice picture of what we could have if I would just give it one more chance ...he has had about 50, literally. Probably more. And nothing has changed.

I spoke to my tutor today at uni, she is really pissed off at how long its taking, and that its almost like secondary abuse. WA lady said the police said they are now just going to "talk" to 'him'. Tutor says it seems to be making me feel like i'm not being believed, or its not important. I have thought about dropping the whole thing so many times, due to feeling I am making a fuss over nothing and everyone thinks i'm being a drama queen.