Seeing the light, and healing the hurt. Breaking free from 'him'.

[surereadyforchange]

Hello, this is a new thread following on from my last one where I received lots of wonderful advice and support regarding the reality of the situation I was in with an abusive shit of a 'man'.
I am seeing things more and more for what they are now, but I still have along way to go
Old thread here:
Previous thread

Hopefully he wont turn up...but you have ignored him before, and can do so again. The police have the details and know that you are being harassed so should take it seriously.

What are your plans for today?

Marina, I have blocked his numbers from calling, but texts still come through. plus I have been keeping them for evidence he is still trying to contact me for police.
I have to head out in about 2 mins for uni, so hopefully once I clear my road, i'll feel better.
Will keep phone accessible though. Whats he gonna do if he approaches me and I ignore in public? He cant do anything.
Will be very hard to ignore though.
I will update from uni.
Thank you all for being here, it helps so much, it really does. Keeps me seeing things for what they are.
Oh, and I've had a banana! :)

Hope you have a good day...well done on the banana!

Yay!!! Banana! Go, Sure!

If he turns up or confronts you in public either say nothing and call police, or tell him to go away and call the police. It will be difficult, but if you do some deep breathing first then it'll be easier. Do deep breathing whenever you remember to anyway, my neuro-psych said it is a good way of centring yourself and calming the mind whatever the circumstances and she 's right (though I was really sceptical at first).

Yay for banana!

Hope he left you in peace today - I am not sure whether he is just rather pathologically persistent or whether he can just not believe that you would not do what you've previously done and go back to him

Who was it who said "What makes you a fool is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome"? Einstein? Darwin? Somebody clever, anyway.

You are doing something different and you will get a different/better outcome because of that

I hope so.
Its so difficult, and its hard to understand why.
I still miss him, and its horrible knowing everything has come to this.
It chills me that he thinks he isn't in the wrong. I guess he's buried the FACT that he is a rapist and abused a gentle woman he professed to love.
This is all horrible.

It is OK to be sad. It is OK to miss having someone there for you. It is horrible that someone you wanted to love and trust could not be loving or trustworthy, it is horrible that the relationship you wanted to have wasn't possible. It is ok to be sad and to grieve for lost hopes and dreams.

It is normal to want to understand why are he is the way he is but the sad truth is it won't make any difference. It won't change how dreadfully he has abused you and it will not change his behaviour either now or in the future. You cannot fix him and you cannot change him. All you can do is try to build the best possible life for you and your dear son and do your best to move on. This man has already taken so much from you, he has cast a shadow over 4 years of your life. Please don't waste headspace on him, don't let him take more than he already has.

You will get past the grief, you will be past missing him....and life will be better for you.

Pacific: it was Einstein defining "madness".

sure - hope today was incident-free. Yay on the banana! I was going to recommend Slim-Fast. Yes, the theory is that it makes people lose weight, but in the short term it's got lots of vitamins and is easy to go down.

But, more than that, Please PLEASE go see a doctor! Get the stress that this is causing logged.

Your spirits will ebb and flow, sure. I wouldn't even assume he was telling the truth when he said he was in your city. The drawbridge to your city is well and truly UP I imagine!

And yes, I actually really like slim-fast. But then I make it with whole milk. As a result it has never caused me to lose weight, but when I simply can't be bothered with food it's a delicious gluggy thing (I like the strawberry, banana's too)

I just started writing him a letter, because I wanted to contact him, so I thought id write it down in a letter instead.
I've only done three paragraphs and it consists of how much I love and miss him, and how I know why he does this to me and how much I wish he would stop.
What's wrong with me???

Write the letter, work at getting it out of your system, just don't send it.

But be honest...yes, write that you love and miss him, but dont forget to write about how much he has hurt you, how you hate it when he treats you bad, how angry you are that he has abused your love and trust.

Acknowledge that he is not going to change his behaviour towards you. If he was capable of it, he would have done it long ago.

You have asked what is wrong with you. Remember someone said earlier that there were probably shades of Stockholm Syndrome, as well as the fact that you have been conditioned from a young age by your family situation to accept all the shit of the day, to be the scapegoat. It is all part of it.

But being the recipient of everybody else's shit is NOT your role in life. You deserve better, and you are well on the road to a better life. Stay strong.

Hey, sure - just started reading this; these are strong and wise women (and men, possibly) - think of them as the unconditional light ahead of you, and him as the very very conditional, dodgy, knackered old electrically dangerous, sparking lamp behind. Choose light; choose life. :) You can trust this huge army of Mumsnetters - look how far you've come already with them. You must be made of impressive stuff to do this; you're nearly there now, and everyone is walking with you. We're all still walking with you. You're bruised, but unbowed. UNBOWED. :) OK? :) :)

I am up to my eyes in uni work, but yes I plan to write it all out later (if I don't fall asleep after taking DS to fireworks).
It is so good to hear people are here with me, cause i'm sat in my bed with my laptop writing about other people's lives, and it feels lonely when I think of him. When I think of how isolated I am, yet how scared I am to change things, meet people, be what I know I can and should be.
So used to sorting out and healing everyone else but I have no clue where to start with myself

But you are doing it - healing yourself, I mean. Even if you cannot always see or feel it

Write the letter: both sides of the coin, the good, the bad and the ugly.
Then burn it [closet pyromaniac]

There is nothing wrong with you wrt what you are feeling.

Thank you. When i get time between uni and DS I'll write it properly.
Still nothing, no contact from police, no arrest.
Coming up 3 weeks now since i made the statement.
I guess its reinforcing the " it's only Sure" thing.

Hey Sure

Please don't interpret it like that....it isn't that at all. Unfortunately things take time, it isn't meant to be sending you a message of any sort. Putting it into context: obviously 3 weeks feels like an eternity when you are waiting for something, but weigh it up against the 4+ years that you have lost by being unable to move on because he has constantly and consistently dragged you back into his web.

You are a strong person, strongervthan you give yourself credit for. Be proud. And keep on at the police....show them you are serious about wanting action taken.

Thanks Ipokebadgers.
I guess it was because at first the policeman said that literally as soon as I make the statement he'd be arrested and questioned (like, the next day) that I am losing faith at how long it's taking

doesnt it have to go through different locations/stations though. These things can often get held up in the logistics. Dont take it personally. If they didnt think it was worth you following up with a statement they wouldnt have wasted their own time, as the amount of paperwork for the most simple thing is a nightmare. They are taking it seriously, but things plod exceptionally slowly through layers of beaurocracy sometimes

I know it will take a while, i just wish he hadn't said he would be arrested within days.. I could have prepared myself for more of a wait. It would have been a relief actually, I've been on tenterhooks, high alert for weeks and I feel like I'm losing my nerve

Don't lose your nerve, Sure. Look - you even made a new name after your Nanna. You're doing this with her right by you. :) Remember that Bjork song, about mess me about and "you'll meet an army of me"? That's exactly what you have on your side, now. We're your army, and we're with you all the way. :)

(My wee phrase I keep telling myself as I find my own way out is "Don't lose sight of the light". Keep your eyes open - you're nearly there. We all are. :)

Just popping in to say we're thinking of you. Hope you're well.

Sure, it is unnerving just waiting for something to happen, and yes, it tests the nerves. You will get through it, like you got through labour, sleepless nights when ds was a baby, when he was ill the first time, and all those other times from when you yourself were a small child up to now.

Getting through those sleepless nights of ds' babyhood was so so worth it, even though at the time you probably thought you would never see a good night's sleep again and had no idea how you could possibly survive. And this will be worth it too.

Thanks everyone.
Jux, to be fair (possibly weird) I loved the sleepless nights with DS, even when his dad told me to "fuck off" when I asked him to change a nappy I did it all on my own, just me and DS, and even when I put him in his little basket and my ex told me to go to sleep, sometimes I would look at pictures of him on my phone under the covers :) Just couldn't believe how great he was. And it was part of me.
And after it all came more wonderful DS.
Right now its a few messages here and there, and when he's arrested it'll be nothing.

Just stress and regret.