Seeing the light, and healing the hurt. Breaking free from 'him'.

[surereadyforchange]

Hello, this is a new thread following on from my last one where I received lots of wonderful advice and support regarding the reality of the situation I was in with an abusive shit of a 'man'.
I am seeing things more and more for what they are now, but I still have along way to go
Old thread here:
Previous thread

Sure

You are not making a fuss over nothing, and you are not a drama queen. Over the last few weeks you have had dozens of Mumsnetters read your account of his behaviour and they have all agreed, to a [wo]man, that his behaviour is at worst, scarily abusive, and at best, unacceptable harassment.

I have never been in a situation like this, so i dont know what else to say. If you can force yourself, I would be inclined to try to speak to someone in the police again, ask what is being done, why it seems like they are downgrading it to just a "talk" when you were told he would be arrested, and go from there.

I do still think that police need to speak to him [at the very least] to make him realise that you are very serious about him not contacting you again. And he IS harassing you, no doubt about it.

Good to read that your tutor is supportive.

And yes, the vrooming around on the motorbike is fun....technically i can continue to do this on L plates with just the CBT certificate for two years before i would need to redo the CBT, but i want that bike licence, just to prove to myself that i can do something that i never thought I would

Get that licence! :)
I just really feel like he needs to feel what he's done, I think as well as me normalising his abuse and trying NOT to see what he did as rape, he has done the same, I mean, why would he want to acknowledge that he has been raping and abusing someone he supposedly loves for years?

I really, really want him to feel what he has done, too. But sometimes that comes later, in ways we don't get to see. I bet he hates himself for how he behaves, so he twists things in his mind to make them more acceptable. But that is HIM. What about you? You are moving ahead with your life in the best possible way, one day at a time, with your DS and your studies, etc. And I think that is more important. Living well really, truly is the best revenge of all time. Some people would be destroyed by a man like HIM, but not you!!

I don't know what the answer is. It is a shitty situation. But just try and remember, you have come so far already...try not to let this delay bring you down. Focus on you and all you have achieved/are achieving, not him.

I am sorry if that sounds trite, appreciate it isn't always that easy...am sure someone with more wise words than i have will be along soon.

Yes, what whitsernam said:

Living well really, truly is the best revenge of all time. Some people would be destroyed by a man like HIM, but not you!!

I know I shouldn't get bogged down in what hes done or doing, I need to build whats left over.

I know how hard it is to put this stuff out of your mind and focus on what you need, right now. When I have difficult issues I often have to put a time limit on how much I deal with them, and really force myself to stick to it. Ex: No more than one hour per day dealing with SS for my mentally ill relative, because I don't want to be in the hospital right alongside them! You may benefit from something similar? I hope your studies really help your mind focus on something besides HIM, that would be the best of all: giving your mind a break, and pushing you forward to a better future. Some people call it investing in yourself, and I find that fitting for your situation.

Hi, sure, I am sorry you have been left 'dangling' by the authorities. I wonder whether the 'talk' from the police involves some kind of formal 'caution'?

Do you feel able to detach yourself a bit from the legal processes? This is the rest of your, not his; your way forward, not his; your trajectory as a person, a mother, a student etc, not his.
It's about you, not him.

I also think that he is likely minimising his behaviour towards you - most people who rape don't consider themselves 'rapists' even though that is what they are. He is likely to reap the consequences of his behaviour in ways that none of us may be able to predict just now.

I agree with the 'living well' thing; I also think you should have this framed as a cross stitch sampler or summat on the wall - btw it's a Dorothy Parker quote - so it has good pedigree

That's a brilliant quote Pacific.

Another one who is shocked at the confusing messages the police have given you. I'm almost wishing for you that you could bump into him so that you could say one last time "No, I am not going to cuddle you. You raped me. You know that you did. I have taken legal advice and you are now harassing me which is not permitted either. I've moved on. Goodbye."

There again, you know, in your head that is true. Hoping that you can focus on you (and your ds), find some stuff that you can enjoy and forge steadily ahead, with or without the help of the police.

Too true Pacific.
'He' has said today he wants to take me out for dinner at the weekend. What a treat!
I am counting my blessings. One of which being in my warm bed snuggling a sleeping DS, who is in turn snuggling my Nanna's ancient pooh bear I adopted after she passed away.
Parents evening tonight. Massively surprised DS dad turned up, think he'd forgotten as he "hadnt been able" to book his own slot so had to share mine. 1st time he's ever been to his school. 1st time at any parents eve.
DS got a glowing report ("He's everything i could ask for, he's bright and passionate and interested in everything")
So proud.
What made my .... year, is in DS' exercise book he'd had a task to draw and describe his family. His dad nowhere to be seen, a gorgeous little drawing of me and him holding hands and beaming with arrows pointing to us with his name and "Mum", and the words: "In my family is Mum and me".

Aw, that just made me well up - I'm not kidding! (what DS3 calls 'happy tears')

I am reconsidering the quote I linked to - I know you are not after 'revenge', but after getting him to acknowledge what he's done. Hm. Tricky. Because he has to arrive at that conclusion himself, you cannot 'make' him see it IYSWIM.
So, live your life.
Not 'what's left' - but the infinite possibilities that are now yours without being constrained by his fuckedupness (this is a real word, or should be anyway ).

I can just see you and your DS and ancient poo bear

He's snoring
Him and pooh are taking up the majority of the bed.
I hope DS dad saw that pic, it sounds mean but maybe it's an eye opener for him to actually see his son's school, that the other kids recognise me and ask after DS and have no clue who he is, that the things DS talks about in his book are how he "helps Mummy unpack the (moving) boxes" and that he has only drawn us in his family. He may rethink his opinion he is God's gift to parenting when he actually stopping there cause feeling myself go into rant

I suppose what I mean is it's moments like seeing that drawing that make the whole struggle hugely hugely worth it.
And hopefully with 'him' there will be a point too where I think yes, it was the right thing to do. Whether he sees the error of his ways or not.

..and "fuckedupness" is so a word!

And hopefully with 'him' there will be a point too where I think yes, it was the right thing to do. Whether he sees the error of his ways or not.

Amen to that - the day will come.

Oh yes, sure, that day will come.

Yes! Echoing Dogwood and Jux here....

Sorry I missed your updates 'live', so to speak, sure.

Your description of the picture made me well a bit . And I'd be proud if you were to call me your friend.

What a lovely picture, Sure. And a lovely parents evening (for you ) your boy is a total gem.

Re 'him' - have you contacted the police? Isn't it time he (like your ds father) came to terms with his actions? My thoughts are that the longer you leave it up to the Police, the more they may start to think you are not serious, that it is blowing over - wrong wrong wrong. It shouldn't need your further input to get a rapist arrested. I'd be on to them every day, squeaky wheel and all that.

Have a good day.

Don't ever doubt it, you have reported a raping piece of scum that pretends it's a man. Please don't go out to dinner with him, Sure!

I don't think you need send the police a christmas card either, given that they're still living in the past. Seems like they're ignoring all the recent upgrades in attitude to DV and rape that are being recommended by report after report. Even the misogynistic media keeps trying to kick their arses into gear with regard to the abuse of women.

This doesn't make you a silly whiner, it makes them look bad and, as your tutor said, is on the way to be secondary abuse.

I emailed investigating police officer yesterday, he said he was still reading the case notes
Its been weeks since I made the statement. Onto another one now.

I also signed and circulated a petition regarding who I think you're talking about Tipsy. Is it really 2014?
I would actually really like to do my research paper on something like this. How misogyny in today's society impacts on the roles of women, how it affects their lives and how they carry out their occupations.

Don't worry, I will NOT be going out to dinner with him!!

Email again today, Sure, or phone. Make sure that the PO is actually doing something. Go above his head if you can; sometimes it's the only way.

I signed that petition yesterday too; disgusting. It won't mean anything to him tho, hard-done-by poppet he is.

It's not right or fair, but you may have to become a squeaky gate and pester them on a regular basis to get somewhere….

I cannot help but wonder whether dragging their feet and/or the 'system' being v slow is partly at least designed to make the accuser become disheartened or bored of the whole thing and not pursue it…?

I've emailed PO again today, ended up saying how I worry he is going to charm his way out of it, oh well.
I wanted to let him know I am concerned about it all. Asked for progress report, asked if he'd spoken to people at B&B.
Hope he will get back to me today.
Had a night full of dreams, some of which were lengthy conversations with 'him'.
In his messages he talks about how he has spoken with me in his dreams, and that I have got someone else.
I think that just goes to show that he's doing in his dreams what he always did in real life, equating my trying to get away from his abuse with the fact that I must have somebody else.
As I said so many, many times to him, NO. There is no one else. I am backing off for a while because you have HURT me, you are relentlessly damaging me and I am in pain.
But to him no, it couldn't POSSIBLY be that he is a hurtful abusive raping bastard, it MUST be because i'm having sex with someone else and I want them instead.
He absolutely could NOT see the correlation between how awful he was to me and me trying to run away.
It always HAD to be that I "didn't love him enough" or I "Wasn't prepared to commit to him" or he "suffered constant rejection" or I was "fucking someone else".
"Princess", "Cunt", "Sweetheart", "Bitch".

You are well off out of it. I can feel your frustration at him, He will never change. He will never take personal responsibility and will always treat those around him as his own personal whipping boy/girl. It is soul destroying and dangerous for the mental health of those around him, as you have found.

I am so glad you have made the break away from him. please rant away on here if you need to....but only for a little bit, and then move on to nicer things. Dont let him take up too much headspace today.

Appreciate that may be difficult as i think sometimes dreams can set the tone for the day....but I know you have so many other things to be doing that make your life a better place to be xx

Yep, he will never change.
It does help to rant on here, it does help to go through what he's done, because it puts me more on a "I did what I could, I don't want to go back there because X,Y,Z"
Rather than trying to put it out of my mind and all of a sudden something will remind me of him and my mind goes
"Remember when you did that lovely thing together/ remember that night by the sea/ what about when he told you this" and I feel all sad.

DS mentioned him the other day, about his fat bum ( we always used to joke 'he' has a massive arse- it was actually fantastic and the best one I've seen) and I just felt a bit sad again.
Need to programme in a bit of "BUT remember he did this, and said this" for when he pops up in my head.